by Bradon Nave
“Jessie,” a girl’s voice said from behind me. I didn’t turn to see who it was.
“Yeah,” I said, blinking my eyes rapidly to ward off any tears.
“Where’s Coach?” Sarah asked as she walked in, looking down to me.
“Gym,” I muttered.
“You okay?”
“Fine.”
I saw her eyeing the box of Cory’s belongings from the corner of my eye. “Nope. We’re friends now, buddy. You’re not getting off that easy,” she said as she pulled up another chair and sat next to me. “I’m actually a good listener when I’m not being a bitch. Promise.”
“I don’t know how much more talking I can do. I’m sick of hearing myself talk.”
“Is this Cory’s stuff?” she asked.
“Yep. Coach decided to give it to me…first hour of the day.”
“I’m glad you get to have it,” she said softly.
“Yep.”
“So…Kacey. She’s a cutie.”
“Yep,” I said again, staring over the desk.
“She likes you.”
“How do you know that?” I asked.
“Trust me…it’s obvious.”
“Yeah, well, even if she does, it doesn’t matter,” I said.
“Oh? And why is that, Jess?”
“As soon as she finds out my head is on a different planet, she’ll lose interest. It’ll be better that way.”
“A different planet? Jessie, you need to stop tearing yourself down. You’re a good guy…an amazing guy. You’ve got better morals than the majority of the faculty here, and you’re definitely easy on the eyes.”
“Okay,” I said sarcastically.
“I mean it. You’re going through something I could never even imagine…and you’re coming out on top. That’s a catch, Jess. A total catch.”
“Whatever,” I said, trying not to smile.
“I’m serious, Jess. People have gone through not even a fifth of what you’ve been through and they completely cracked. Look at you. You’re all spiffed up…got your swag back. You’re getting there. Stop beating yourself up on the way.”
“You mean that, Sarah? Be real with me, please. You mean all that?” I asked, watching her expression.
“Jessie, I messed up once already. I’m not going to do that again. I’m not going to lie to you…I’m gonna be real with you; every time. I mean that. A girl like Kacey would be lucky to snag a guy like you.”
I couldn’t help but smile at her comments. She made me feel good again—like how I felt before Coach called me into his office. “Thanks, Sarah. That really does mean a lot coming from a girl like you.”
“Yeah. I am pretty damn hot,” she said, flipping her hair over her shoulder.
We laughed as we stood simultaneously, looking at the box.
“May I?” she asked.
“Let’s,” I replied as I took a deep breath and lifted the stained jersey from the box of belongings.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
“How was school, bud?” my dad asked as he walked into the kitchen. I was gulping water after a three mile run.
“It was okay,” I said happily.
“Are you hungry? You wanna go grab a bite to eat? Want me to make some supper?”
“Um…actually, I was going to ask if I could maybe have some money. There’s this girl, Kacey—” Before I could even finish my request, my father was fishing for his wallet in his back pocket.
“Yes, sir. Just bring me the change,” he said as he handed me a one hundred dollar bill.
“Dad…”
“Would you rather take my card? Here, just take my card,” he said, handing it to me.
“Are you sure?” I asked.
“Kacey, huh? Did you meet her at school?”
“Yeah…her and her mom just moved here from the South…from Louisiana.”
“Cute?”
“Oh my God…she’s seriously the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on.”
“You take the Mustang,” he said.
“What? Oh, I can’t. I haven’t been in that thing since…”
“Jess, if you wanna impress this girl, pick her up in a ’67 Mustang. That and just be yourself,” he said, tossing me the keys.
“Okay…” I said, smiling at the thought of pulling up to Dr. Cline’s office in the shiny, black car.
“What’s that?” he asked, pointing to the box Coach Danes had given me.
“It was Cory’s…Danes gave it to me. He said he wanted me to have it.”
“Can I have a look?” he asked.
“Yeah, Dad. Of course.”
As my dad cautiously opened the box, his nostrils flared slightly as he reached inside, grabbing the jersey and pulling it out. He stared at it for several seconds as his lips opened slightly. He turned his shoulder slightly from me, but I could still see his face and make out what he was doing. His eyes—they looked overcome, saturated with grief. He lifted the jersey to his face, inhaling through his nose. He placed the jersey back in the box, refusing to look in my direction. “Jess…I’m going to take a nap. Have fun tonight…keep your phone on you,” he said as he walked briskly from the kitchen.
***
“Hey, D.”
“’Sup, Jess?”
“Can I come over? You mind if I swing by before I take Kacey out?”
“Dude…what part of you don’t need an invitation don’t you get?”
“I just don’t want to walk in on any more throes of passion.”
“Nah. If you would have called about four minutes ago, I would have let you cheer me on.”
“Really, D? You’re disgusting.”
“Ha. Come over.”
“’K.”
***
“Duke? Where are you, D?” I called up the stairs as I walked in his house.
“Jessie,” Lily said from behind me, frightening me.
“Lil…you scared me.”
“My bad. So where you taking Kacey?” she asked as she put her sneakers on.
“She wants to go to that little pizza place, that hole-in-the-wall off Tenth Street,” I said.
“Oh…I like that place. I wouldn’t want to go on a first date there, though,” she said. “Silly girl.”
“Yeah. My dad probably doesn’t mind…he’s paying. Where’s D?” I asked.
“Bathroom.”
“What are you two doing tonight?”
“Gym, supper, calculus, and sleeping,” she said. I liked Lily. She was a sweet girl. I was glad Duke was dating someone like her.
“Are you leaving now?” I asked.
“Nope. We’re gonna toss the ball around in the backyard ’til you’re ready to go get Kacey.”
“I don’t wanna hold you guys up.”
“Jess,” Duke yelled from the top of the stairs as he tossed the ball to me. “You’re not holding us up,” he said as he walked down the stairs.
“Sure?”
“Totally sure,” Lily said as the three of us walked toward the back door.
“Hey, Jess. You taking your dad’s car? You can take mine if you need. I can ride with Lily to the gym.”
“I appreciate it, D. I’m taking the Mustang.”
Duke stared at me a few seconds—a blank stare. “Really? That…that’s awesome.”
“You think so? You don’t think it’s disrespectful?”
“What? Hell no, Jess. It’s disrespectful to leave that thing just sitting in the garage. He’d…he’d want you to drive it.”
“Cool,” I said, throwing the ball to Duke.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
My dad had taken up the overall maintenance of the Mustang. He would take it out at least once a month—never with me, though. As I climbed in the car, I nearly became overwhelmed by the smell—Copenhagen, WD-40, and old leather. Smells I associated with him. Cory’s can of chew was still in the ashtray, his bottle of water was on the floorboard. I instantly regretted agreeing to take the vehicle. I felt guilty, like I was snooping through
his room while he wasn’t home.
Guilt aside, I started the vehicle. A song by Jake Bugg came on. I hadn’t heard the track since well before Cory passed. It was the same CD Cory would listen to repeatedly. Turning the volume down, I put the car in reverse and exited the garage. My foot was so shaky it felt as though I was tap-dancing on top of the brake.
As I pulled out into the street, I felt my respirations increasing. The sounds of the engine, the slight rattle of the dashboard—the last time I’d heard either of these, I was living a different life. It wasn’t a perfect life. I didn’t have my mother to sneak in at night and kiss my forehead as I pretended to sleep, but I had my brother. My brother and I were invincible; we were supermen with purple-and-white jerseys for capes. The entire world could have turned against us and we would have shrugged it off.
When his own body turned against him, I quickly realized we were nothing more than small-town teenage boys. Mildly talented, we were no more invincible than the stars of the sad stories I’d occasionally “like” on Facebook.
“You’re bigger than this, Jess,” I reminded myself as I crept down the street at a snail’s pace. I feared what judgement others might pass my way. Why is he driving his dead brother’s car? I wondered if that’s what they would think as I drove past them. I cautiously looked out either door window for signs of disapproval on my neighbors’ faces—there were only smiles and the occasional wave.
***
“Hey, beautiful,” I said as she climbed inside.
“Your car…”
“Huh?”
“Your car is beautiful,” Kacey said. Her blue jeans and a loose-fitting T-shirt had me feeling overdressed. “You look nice,” she said.
“I tried,” I replied nervously.
“You nailed it. Just pizza, though, right?”
“Yeah…just pizza.”
“Let’s go before my uncle starts creeping on us.”
“Does he know you’re going on a date with me?”
“What? A date?” She chuckled. “Did you think this was a romantic type of thing?” she asked.
I instantly felt blood rushing to my face as I turned my gaze to the steering wheel. “Um…uh…”
“I’m kidding,” she said as she grabbed my hand, resting on top of the gearshift.
“Wow. That was pretty mean,” I said, smiling at her.
“No…he only knows I’m going out with a nice guy from school. A nice guy with a very classy car.”
“Well, I’m technically only borrowing it,” I said.
“Oh. Well it’s a nice ride, regardless.”
“I think so too.”
As we began driving from the parking lot, she cranked the window down. “It’s stuffy in here,” she said.
“Yeah, I agree.”
“So, you and Duke…how long you two boys been buddies?”
“He’s always been my best friend. Well, since third grade. But seriously, does anyone really count anything before that?”
“I guess not. He seems like a good guy.”
“He is. He jokes around a lot and can be a little much sometimes, but he’s one of the best people I’ve ever met in my life. He’s a great guy.”
“And Lily…how long have they been dating?”
“Define dating,” I said, smiling at her.
“Oh…that’s cool.”
“They’re official now. But they’ve been study buddies since the summer.”
“And you?”
“Me?” I replied.
“Do you have a study buddy?”
“Nope…I’ve had study buddies in the past. But nothing too serious. Just was never the right time.”
“I hear ya.”
We sat silent for a while as I pulled to a stop sign. The pizza place on Tenth required me to drive to the outskirts of town. There was a field of scattered weeds outside Kacey’s window.
“You have really pretty teeth,” she said. “Nice and white.”
“Um…thank you. So do you—”
“Let’s keep them that way,” she said as she flung her hand out the window.
“What?”
“Chewing tobacco. Nasty stuff—”
“Did you throw that out the window?” I asked frantically as I began braking.
“Um…yeah. It…it was expired. I’m sorry—”
“Oh my God we have to find it! Why would you think that’s okay?” I snapped as I turned the car forcefully around in the middle of the road. Traffic was dead—which was typical for this area at this time of night.
“Whoa, Jessie. I’ll buy you a new can,” Kacey said.
“It’s not mine…it was his. I have to find it,” I muttered as I straightened the vehicle out and slowed to where I thought she’d thrown it.
“I’m confused.”
I said nothing, I only turned the flashlight on my phone on and jumped from the car parked on the side of the road. I frantically looked up and down the ditch, hoping my flashlight would reflect off the can’s lid.
“Jessie…” Kacey said softly as she walked up behind me with her flashlight on too. “I’m sorry for upsetting you. I’ll buy you a new can—”
“No…I need his can back. We have to find it,” I said hastily as I continued my search.
“There it is,” she said in an irritated voice, pointing to the middle of the road as a car was driving toward it.
Without thinking twice, I raced after it, snatching it up as the driver of the car hit his brakes and flipped me off.
“Jessie!” Kacey snapped.
As we got back in the car, I quickly put the can in the ashtray and closed the ashtray shut.
“Um…Jess, I’m really tired. I think maybe we should do this another night. Cool?”
“Yep,” I replied softly, avoiding eye contact and looking straight ahead. I swallowed hard and put the car in drive. We said nothing for a solid thirty seconds.
“Was it because I littered?” she finally asked.
I inhaled deeply, knowing where the question would eventually lead. “No, Kacey. It…it was his. The dip was his; this car was his,” I said in a defeated tone.
“I would have bought him another one. You could have been hit by that guy, or made him run off the road.”
“I know. I’m sorry,” I replied.
“Is he a dick? Would he have kicked your ass if you hadn’t found it?”
With this question I quickly pulled off the side of the road once more, putting the car in park. “My brother wasn’t a dick. I couldn’t have hand-picked a better role model. He was seriously perfect in every sense of the word,” I said with my gaze fixed on the steering wheel, gripping it tightly.
“You keep saying was, Jessie.”
“He died, Kacey. He died last year. He got cancer and he passed away. I know it seems dumb, but the dip can is just one of the things we have left—”
“I’m so sorry!” she blurted out, covering her mouth. “I get it. I know what you’re going to say. I’m so sorry, Jessie.”
I looked to her, her eyes glistening—wet. She didn’t have to say another word. I knew she understood the value of these tiny keepsakes. Truth be told, Cory’s room hadn’t been touched, either. His clothes were still in the hamper, and the door was locked from the inside.
“I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to yell at you. I’m really not like that. I just freak out sometimes. I was afraid we’d lost it.”
“Please don’t apologize,” she said, grabbing my hand.
I offered her a halfhearted nod. “Were you wanting to go back to your uncle’s office or home?”
“Neither. I want to go eat pizza with you if the offer still stands,” she said softly.
“You sure?” I asked, feeling a smile attempting to force itself across my face.
“Yes. Completely.”
“Well, let’s eat pizza.”
***
“It was cold out…unusually cold. I don’t know why I answered the door because I usually don’t. As soon as I saw
the officer standing there, I knew. I knew something bad had happened to my father. He was the only one that wasn’t home.”
“Did he make it to the hospital?” I asked.
“Nope. He lost too much blood. They said if the driver of the other vehicle would have held pressure to his femoral artery he might have made it, but he was too drunk to follow the operator’s instructions.”
“Did he go to jail? The driver?”
“He shot himself. Twenty-two years old; just got accepted to law school.”
“Do you hate him?” I asked her.
“Do I hate the driver? No…I wish to God every day that I would have said something to him prior to him pulling the trigger.”
“But he took your dad away from you…I would hate him.”
“Jessie, hate requires so much energy. I hate other people, but I don’t hate him. Just…just the weekend before I was at a friend’s house. We drank a pitcher of margaritas to celebrate our sophomore fall break…I drove home. I could have killed somebody. I could have taken someone’s loved one away. I hate what he did…but I know for certain it isn’t something I’m innocent of.”
“Well…I give you credit for admitting your mistakes. I hate what took my brother. And if an actual person would have taken either of them, I don’t think I could have forgiven them.”
“Either of them?” Kacey asked as she set her fork down.
“My mom…my mom died too. My God this is a buzzkill date. My mom died of breast cancer a few years before Cory died of testicular cancer.”
“Jessie…” Kacey said as our gazes joined, momentarily connected by a bridge of pain.
“So you can see why I see your uncle twice a week?” I asked, forcing a smile as I grabbed another slice of pizza.
“Finish eating. Let’s get out of here,” she said with a soft grin.
***
“So what do you want out of life?” she asked as we sat in the Mustang outside of the pizza joint.
“That’s a big question…huge.”
“Nah, boy. The answer may be big…the question is small.”
“I haven’t thought about it…”