by L. Ann Marie
He wipes the sweat from his face. “We’ve talked. I asked for time while we moved. Jessie I love you, you’re my Brother in everything, but I can’t keep playing at this when I can’t be all in. I feel like she sees me as a hologram to be fixed. She was honest and agreed. I didn’t expect she’d be here this soon though. I just got here.”
I can’t sit by him. I need to see his face, no, I need to punch him in the face. “You’ve been in the fuckin’ yard for the last six months while I’ve been jumping back and forth here. When she came down I didn’t talk about what you two were doing and now I get that you aren’t in? Since when?”
He looks right at me and I feel like a shit. “Since you left. Without you we have nothing to talk about. There is no buffer for me and she’s so focused on work and what she’s doing I have nothing to say.” He looks away. Fuck! “If you wanted it to work you would have asked. This can’t be a shock to you.”
I sit the fuck down. “I didn’t ask because I was jealous. You had her all that time and all I got was a couple of hours when I wanted all in.”
“I’m sorry Brother. I can’t be the one that does that for you. She doesn’t think of me as anything more than a friend and I have to tell you, I just want to run when she starts talking about anything engineering. If it isn’t computer related, I’m not really listening and she likes everything, but programming.”
Fuckin’ hell. “I have no fuckin’ clue what to say to her today. You guys talked about this and no one said a word to me. Why not?”
“This is something you’ve wanted right from the beginning. I hoped the move would put someone else in your path I guess.”
“I talked to you every fuckin’ day dude. It’s not like you had no opportunity.”
“I didn’t want to let you down Jess. You’re my closest Brother and it fuckin’ sucks that this isn’t working for me.” He stands. “I need a shower before Church. I’m sorry Jessie.”
That’s it? I drink my fuckin’ cold coffee and sit in the back against the wall. Jesus a whole fuckin’ year wasted. They always had fun together. Maybe it was me that thought it was fun. We’ve done everything together hiking, climbing, sailing. Jess is up for anything that’s outside and fun. What am I supposed to do now? Growing a pair seems like a good plan. I get up and thank God Prez shipped the ‘rents home. Tiny would be shoveling tampons in my pockets. I laugh picturing a big orange snow shovel filled with tampons while my pockets are held open.
I stop quick. “You all right Jessie?” Dakota asks as he’s walking up the stairs.
I look at him and his question hits me. “I don’t know. I think Darren just broke up with me.”
He laughs. “I am sorry Brother, but you might want to re-word that.”
I think about it. “Fuck I mean us. Or Jess. I don’t know what the fuck I mean. I need coffee.”
I put the pod in and wait for my cup then laugh. Dakota must be laughing his ass off. Jesus. I take my cup out back and call Uncle Danny. “Jessie long time and all that shit.” I smile. He’s been in my life since I was a baby. I’m so fuckin’ lucky to have him.
“I need some help. Darren isn’t all in with Jess. I had no fuckin’ clue and Jess is due here today. What do I do?”
He laughs. Not what I was hoping for, but at least he’s still on the phone. “I can’t tell you what to do Jessie. I’m glad he finally told you, but let me ask you this; why didn’t you know? You talked to him every fuckin’ day.”
I sit down hard. “I was jealous he was up there with her all this time and didn’t want to know how much fun they were having without me.” It hits me. “You knew! How the fuck did I not know?”
“You didn’t ask. That says something Jessie. I talk to you almost every day. You never asked me either.”
I look out at the field. “Uncle Danny I wanted this to work so bad I don’t know what to do here. I know Jess is the one, but now I don’t know what to do about it.”
“You talk to her Jessie. Have a real conversation and tell her what you just said to me. If she’s the one that won’t change even if Darren does.”
I nod my head like he can see me. Jesus I’m losing it. “Yeah. I’ll do that today. Thanks Uncle Danny. Is there anything else I should know here?”
He laughs. “Tell Little Ben he owes me a hundred.”
Shit they’re betting on me now. “Does every fuckin’ body know, but me?”
He’s still fuckin’ laughing and I think I should have called my other dad. “Jeremy, Rich and Tiny. Oh and Jamie, he owes me two hundred.”
Whoa. “That’s fucked up. This is his daughter we’re talking about.”
“I got Brothers waiting to start Church here Jessie. Call if you need me.” He hangs up.
Fuck. I run to the meeting room and sit before Little Ben comes in. Not a minute goes by and Darren walks through the door. “Prez wants you in his office.” What?
I jog to the office wondering what’s going on. He’s never late for Church. He’s behind his desk watching the door. “Are you okay?” I look at him thinking this is nuts, Church is waiting. “They can wait. Are you okay?”
“Yeah Brother. We can talk about this after Church.”
“Sit the fuck down.” I close the door and sit not happy with the fuckin’ order when he’s the one holding up Church.
He laughs. “Fuckin’ Brother. You make me laugh even after Darren talked to you. Do you need to talk this out?”
“For fuck’s sake! No. I talked to Uncle Danny and I’m good. Well not good exactly, I told Dakota Darren broke up with me, but that was before I talked to Uncle Danny.” He busts out laughing.
“You think we could go back to concern for me instead of me being comic fuckin’ relief for you?” He puts his hand up and clenches his jaw then starts laughing again. “What the fuck ever! I’ll be at fuckin’ Church where my Prez may show up sometime today.” He stops me when my hand is on the knob.
“I’m sorry, but he ‘broke up with you’ is funny even to you Brother.”
“You knew Little Ben and you didn’t tell me.” I lean my head on the door not wanting to look at him.
“Yes. You know why I couldn’t. I’m sorry it has to be like this, we’ve been together our whole lives, I can’t lose you to a vision nightmare.”
“That means there’s more to it.” Fuck.
He comes to me and puts his hand on my shoulder. “Yeah Brother. Tess will tell you it all works out.”
“Fuckin’ great.” I say with absolutely no enthusiasm. I don’t turn around. “Is she the one Little Ben? Do I have anything in my fuckin’ life right?”
He doesn’t say anything right away. “There is a fuck of a lot that’s right in your life Brother. Think about the people we know with two partners. One is dominant the other is capable of protection and also needs protecting. Two strong men that are similar in their fierce protective nature, but needing each other to be complete.”
I repeat the words in my head. “I know you have to guard that, and it isn’t fair to ask when it may mean someone’s life, but this threw me Brother.”
He turns me and gives me a real hug. “It will work out Jessie. I swear it will.”
“Don’t. No more Brother. Let’s go to Church.” I let him go and open the door.
“Are you okay with Darren?” he asks locking his door.
“Yeah Brother, he can’t change what is. I get it.”
We walk into the meeting room and everyone is quiet. I sit and Little Ben stands at the head of the table and apologizes for keeping everyone waiting like this was his fault. He tells me ‘it was’ making me smile. Fuckin’ Prez.
He goes through the whole Security fuck up for everyone who missed it and tells them everything is now Princes Security. They cheer like that wasn’t already a company and Dakota laughs looking at me. I just shake my head thinking I’m going to start charging him rent. He looks down with his jaw clenching and I think I’ve found a new source of entertainment when the Brothers need information
repeated over and over and over.
“Jessie! You think you can focus on Church for a while?” Prez asks and I stop and give him my undivided attention. He cracks up and tells Joey to give us the financials. When everyone looks her way he slaps me upside the head with a smile. ‘Fuckin’ rings are killing me.’ I sign at him.
He smiles and signs, ‘You’re more than ok. Fuckin’ Brothers.’
I smile and catch Dakota looking down trying not to laugh again.
A Brother that is capable of fierce protection and needs to be protected. Uncle Danny said, “Even if Darren changed.” My eyes snap to Little Ben. He’s looking right at me smiling. Fuckin’ hell! He’s younger than us so I never would have looked his way. I turn toward Joey and listen to her whole fuckin’ report clearing everything out of my head quick. Jesus. It’s the longest meeting of my life. We go out to the tent where the Brothers are and do the cut ceremony over and over until the last group is done. When I think we’re finished we get the Prospects cuts and I want to slit my fuckin’ wrists so I can get out of it. Prez puts his hand on my back and I settle down and get the cut on the Prospect. When Prez congratulates everyone and tells them to go have some fun, a cheer and Indian call goes out. I finally look over at Dakota and grab his arm. Fuck. We should have thought about this before we put him in the middle of it. Chevy notices and we get him out the back and sit him against the fence. “I didn’t notice until we were done.”
“Me either,” Chevy says and starts talking to him in Mohegan. I need to learn the fuckin’ language.
“I will be okay,” Dakota says.
“That’s what you always say, but you’re not fuckin’ all right. We should have noticed or even thought about this. We can’t keep doing this to you.”
“I thought we were done, but the Prospects came up. They hugged me like Brantley.” Jesus.
He’s talking slow and I know he needs to get away. “Dude just jump already. We’ll be here when you’re done.” He nods and I watch him take a breath and close his eyes.
I wish it were that easy for me to get away.
“Where would you go?” Chevy asks.
“The wind is sounding good right about now.” I sit because I’m going to be here a while.
“Is he okay?” Prez asks walking toward us.
“Yeah Prez. The Prospect gave him a bear hug.” I tell him looking away. I should have been watching out for him.
“He should go to the reservation for a few hours. It will help. He’s had a rough week.” Chevy says.
I look at Prez. “I’ll take him. I need some time with Jess and he can do whatever the fuck he needs to do.”
Shit, he smiles. “Sounds like a plan.” ‘Fuck off, I should have had his back’ I think. I owe him a fuckin’ ride at the very least. He smiles bigger. “That’s what I meant to say.”
“Sometimes you can be an ass.” He laughs and pegs me a finger without turning around. Chevy laughs.
“What the fuck ever.” It dawns on me I didn’t say anything to him about his cut. “Welcome to the Princes, Brother. Glad to have you as an Officer. Dakota will be able to talk to you about everything now.” Maybe he can clue us in before we screw with his head.
He laughs. “Prez shields you most of the time when he’s close or even in the same room. He must be too far right now. Thanks. I’m glad your thought was for Dakota’s safety.”
This surprises me. Prez shields me when he’s around isn’t so surprising, but our Brotherhood should have been apparent to him before this.
He nods. “It was, but I didn’t expect your first thought to be about Dakota. I’m relieved to know it is not just Prez that is protective of him.”
Oh what I could say right here. I throw it out and answer him. “You’ll find every Officer putting him first because that’s what we do. What we’re about. Protect those that need to be protected and make it better for all. Those aren’t just words to us, but the way we were raised. Just like you. We just go about it different.”
“I see that now much clearer than before. Maybe the cut has the power to guide us in the way of the Brotherhood, like the ancestors, but on bikes.” He smiles and I laugh.
We sit quiet until I hear the helicopter. Jess is here. I stand and hold my hand up blocking the sun. Kevin sets down and she jumps out running for me. I wave to him and he’s off again. Thank fuck. Chevy laughs and I catch Jess holding her up. “I am so fuckin’ happy to see you. No, strike that. I’m so fuckin’ happy you’re happy to see me.” She laughs and kisses me.
When I put her down I turn to Chevy and see Dakota watching us with a smile. I turn Jess to me. “Do you mind taking a ride to the reservation? It’s about forty minutes from here.”
“Not at all I’m here for a couple of days.” I kiss her again and tell Dakota we’re taking him home for a couple of hours.
“Why?” he asks. I guess he checks out when he’s gone.
“You need more go-go juice to be set for the hellacious week we got coming up.” Jess and Chevy think this is funny, but I don’t know how to put it that doesn’t make it sound like he’s a weak link when it’s just the opposite. Chevy stops laughing and Dakota thanks me in my head. Fuck this gets weird when people are watching. I nod and wait for him to stand. He’s slow and I know Chevy was right.
“My truck is behind the bunk house. I’ll meet you on the other side of the tent.” It’s maybe fifty feet and I can get Jess away while he makes it. I turn Jess and head to the bunkhouse and get the ‘thanks’ in my head again. He’s good if he can get this far with a thanks. I have to clench my jaw when he says he is.
At my truck I pull her to me and take another kiss. “We need to talk, but I need to get Dakota to the reservation. It’s beautiful there and we can talk while he gets what he needs.” I open the door and lift her up.
“What does he need?”
I look at her for a couple of seconds. She’s going to find out soon enough. “Energy. He’s like Jeremy, kind of, sort of, similar, I think.” I don’t even know what the fuck he is.
She nods, but her eyes are lit. She’ll have a million questions. I don’t mind listening to every fuckin’ one of them. I kiss her lips and drive around to the tent. I want to get out and help, but that would look bad. Dakota tells me to stop fuckin’ mothering him and I laugh. Jess looks at me then Dakota. She fuckin’ knows and I can’t do anything, but smile. My girl is too smart for me, but I love her and hope she loves me. ‘She does.’
“Jesus! Get the fuck out of our heads!” I growl at him and Jess jumps. Fuckin’ great. “Sorry Jessica.” I pull her closer and she leans against me. We’re good. It isn’t fair to her to jump in her head like that.
He’s in my head, ‘She shields, but when she’s excited it comes out. Sorry Brother’.
I clear my head and drive. Jess’ Security can’t hide on the reservation. I wonder what they’ll do then don’t give a shit. At the reservation a tribesman is at the gate. Thank fuck. I don’t want to get shot picking the lock at the gate.
“I did not have my key,” Dakota says.
Jess smiles at him. “You are like Jeremy.”
He laughs. “A little.”
They’ve been talking the whole way and I’ve loved hearing her laugh or get excited about the funniest things. She’s going to the manufacturing plant to see about helping production and using recycled material instead of new plastics. He knows more about reusable materials than I ever will and Jess gives him more. I love that she’s excited about work. I get excited too.
Dakota asks me to drop him at the Shaman and tells me where to find the lake. He’ll come down when he’s ready to go. He tells me in my head, ‘about two hours.’
I drive through getting some looks, but find the road to the lake and park. I pull her out and start walking. “I’m glad you’re here. Darren told me this morning he hasn’t seen much of you.”
“No. We don’t seem to have much in common without you. I wanted to talk to you about that today.” She stops
and turns standing in front of me. “Can we sit so I can see you while we talk?”
I take her to a huge tree and sit so we’re out of the sun. She sits directly in front of me with our knees touching. She takes my hands and I’m relieved. “With you I can’t wait to see you. The wind catching your hair does something to my heart, your smile makes me happy. I feel so many things when we laugh and talk. I don’t have that with Darren. Without you I don’t have anything with him. I was afraid to tell you until my mom talked to me. It isn’t fair to any of us not to be honest. I couldn’t do that when I see you so little. I didn’t want it to be over the phone either.”
I nod. What the fuck can I say? I never asked. “I’m glad I know now. This isn’t on you Jess. I didn’t ask and I should have. I was jealous and didn’t want to know you and Darren were getting closer while I was here. I wanted that.”
She smiles so pretty. Jesus I need to focus here. “You have no reason to be jealous. I did mention how you make me feel didn’t I?”
I smile and pull her to my lap. “You did. Saying it a fuck of a lot better than what I have.”
She has a devilish grin. “And what is it that you have?”
I take a breath. Fuck, all or nothing. “I love you Jessica. No pretty words just love.”
Fuck. She’s not smiling anymore. She’s blinking tears and I hold her to me without a clue of what the fuck I’m supposed to say. “I love you too Jessie.”
Oh my God I can breathe. Thank Fuck! She looks at me with tears still on her face and I want them off. I wipe them away and hold her face so I have her eyes. “Tell me. Tell me while I can see it on your face.”
She laughs and I like this better already. “I love you Jessie.”
“Sweetest fuckin’ sound.” I kiss her and she moans grinding into me. Looking around I don’t see anyone so I pull off her shirt. “Jesus you’re beautiful. I’ve missed you Jessica. Tell me you have panties in your bag.”
She takes her mouth off my neck and I want it back. “Yes.”
She goes right back and I tear her panties off like a Neanderthal. I’m unbuckled and lean forward for my wallet. She pulls the condom leaning back to roll it on me. Because I think this is as sexy as it gets I let her holding my breath and fighting for control. She lifts her skirt and slides down slowly. “It has been a while since I’ve seen you.”