by Ashley Logan
“Easy, Damon,” Jake says slowly and calmly, obviously sensing my temper ramping up again. “Take it outside to cool down in the fresh air. I can’t go another round with you. Whatever it is, it’ll pass and things will be good again.”
Biting down hard, I use a gloved hand to swipe at my chin strap, needing to be free of it. It’s useless of course and I close my eyes and take a deep breath to say ‘please’ through my gritted teeth. Jake quickly flicks the strap loose and backs up again. Shoving it off, I scoop up my towel and wipe off as best I can on my way to the door.
The cold slaps me with a sting, but it’s not enough to cool the rage in me. Turning to the brick wall, I pound it with my gloves until those tight fists I can feel turn warm and wet. Then I punch some more. I’ve thought a lot about the corresponding sensation I feel in my phantom hands when I fight, and I think it somehow relates fighting to bleeding, but oddly - and thankfully, it’s without pain.
Leaning my forehead into the wall, I take a deep, calming breath. It’s been a long time since I raged out.
“Is your tantrum over now?”
Spinning to see my audience, I knock her with my gloves, because I haven’t calculated their addition to my arms. Catching her before she hits the sidewalk, I freeze.
I don’t know if I really believe in a God, or heaven, and I’ve definitely never held an angel in my arms before, but I know this is what is happening right now. I know it, because my whole body becomes weightless. There is no pain, and no suffering.
I feel alive all over.
My heart beats more strongly, air feels crisper in my lungs, and my eyes are filled with nothing but beauty.
Standing in the cold, I feel only warmth as I gaze upon this girl with hair of gold and eyes of pooled amber as she looks up at me without fear or disgust. Her eyes seem to be searching my face for something, but she doesn’t seem concerned that I’ve knocked her over, or that I have my arms around her, or that I’m covered in sweat, or even that her back must be getting uncomfortable. We probably look as if we’ve been dancing and I’ve dipped her, only now I can’t bring myself to lift her back up, because it’ll mean I have to let go. Suddenly, she smiles and it’s as if the sun has come out.
“Nice catch.” Her voice is as sweet as her face and I know immediately that I am unworthy of her leniency.
“I’m so sorry. This isn’t how I normally behave. I’m Damon.”
“Alexa.”
“Alexa,” I repeat to myself in a whisper and her smile grows as her body sends a subtle shiver through mine. I feel it course through me like liquid sunshine. Fuck. This girl is a drug and I’m already addicted.
“Damon?” she says in a husky tone that has my eyes drop from her eyes to her full, glossy lips that smell tantalizingly of cherry cola.
“Yeah?” I whisper back, wondering what it would be like to taste those lips. They press together as I watch them, but they’re still smiling.
“I - I forgot what I was going to say,” she says when my eyes meet hers again.
“I’ve forgotten everything in existence before I wrapped my arms around you,” I say in all honesty. “I know I should set you back on your feet, I just can’t seem to let you go.”
“If you let go, I’ll fall,” she says, looking away for the first time as she glances over her shoulder to the ground.
“I won’t let you fall.”
Her eyes return to me and she smiles.
“I know you won’t, because I definitely won’t kiss you if you drop me.”
My jaw goes slack as I study her gorgeous face for signs of a joke, but there’s none. The blush in her cheeks has deepened and she almost looks a little shy after such a bold suggestion. I can’t believe it. I don’t know why today is my lucky day, but I’ll take anything I can get from this heavenly creature.
“I can kiss you?”
“Do you want to kiss me?” she asks, watching me with knowing eyes as her lips part ever so slightly.
“More than anything.”
“You should then. Don’t you think?”
“I can’t think at all with you in my arms,” I whisper to her lips as I gently brush them with mine.
Fireworks.
Actual whizzing and popping at the end of my arms, but without any burning sensation at all. Wow.
Pressing my lips to hers more firmly, the sensation dulls a little and I back off a bit, finding an exquisite zone of flying sparks with a more gentle approach. Alexa’s mouth opens to me with a soft sigh and I explore her with the same light tenderness. The sparks begin to hum.
I’ve never had my phantom hands hum from kissing alone, but this is no mere kiss. Not only are my hands sparking and humming, but my mind is quiet and my whole damn body feels ready to blast off into the sky. Alexa is nothing short of a mind-blowing, full body experience.
Reluctantly, I eventually pull back, knowing I must surely be taking advantage of her most generous offer. Looking down at her as I lift my lips from hers, I see no impatience in her expression. Her eyes flutter open and she stares into mine.
“You’re really good at that,” she whispers.
“I’m glad you thought so. I want to do it all day, but I’m sure you have things to do.”
Alexa’s eyes widen and for the first time, her body shifts in my arms. Hating what was always inevitable, I return her to her feet.
“I have another class to run,” she says, looking around in panic. There are several adults and children approaching from every direction. “Fudging’ fudge-crackers,” she mutters, raising a hand to her forehead as she starts pacing. “They probably just saw that whole thing. I don’t even know you! I’m going to be the slutty dance teacher with no morals that will corrupt their children.”
“I’m sure they’ll just see the beautiful girl who helps the homeless, soothes the savage beast and gives them a break from their darling offspring. That girl deserves every kiss she gets. Would you like to get coffee after your class? I could give you a lift home after?” I suggest, gesturing towards my car.
She sucks in her bottom lip and shakes her head. “Sorry Damon. I don’t ride in cars with strangers,” she says quietly and begins walking back to the dance studio. Holding the door open, she greets each group as they arrive, paying special attention to the children.
Not sure if I’ve been blown off, or if she’s just flustered from the arrival of her students, I whip back into the gym and scoop up my jacket, ignoring Jake as he calls out to me.
Waiting for the last people to go into the studio, I reach out a still-gloved hand to stay Alexa before she can follow them inside.
“If you won’t ride with me, would you at least take my jacket?” I say, holding it out for her. “I saw you give yours away, and you’ll freeze without one.”
Looking from the jacket to me, she sucks in that bottom lip again, bringing all those sensational feelings of our kiss, back to me. It hurts a little, because she is now looking very uncomfortable in my presence. I swallow nervously.
“I’d really like to see you again Alexa, but I’m not so sure the feeling is mutual, so I’ll leave it up to you.” Pressing the jacket into her hands, I pull away quickly, making her grab for it as it falls. “Keep it. Or give it away too, if you like. And thank you, for brightening my day.”
Leaving before she turns me down flat, I escape back into the gym. Heading straight for Jake, I hold my gloves up for him to unwind the tape keeping them in place.
“Feeling better?” he asks, eying me carefully.
“Not sure,” I reply, running the first freed stump over my sweat damp hair. “I’m pretty sure I just met the woman of my dreams, only she probably thinks I have hands, and she turned cold on me after I kissed her.”
Jake stops ripping tape and stares at me. “You were out there for what? Ten minutes?” he says, his face contorted with disbelief. “You’re telling me, that you went out all fired up and covered in sweat, met the perfect girl and kissed her?”
I shrug.
“I’m productive with my time. She was too busy to get a coffee now, and I’m not sure she even wanted to, but I have to see her again Jake.”
“Did you just give her your jacket?” Jake asks, frowning at the door before turning back to me.
“I didn’t want her to be cold. It has my number in it, so she can call me. If she wants.” Sighing, I rub my wrists together where Jake has pulled off the tape and gloves. “Maybe I should just wait for her to finish work and talk to her then.”
Jake shakes his head. “Um, that sounds a lot like the beginning of a campfire story. How happy do you think she’ll be to see a stalker with a hook for a hand?”
Sighing again, I know he’s right. “My hooks burn, so I probably wouldn’t be wearing them,” I reason, only to stop myself from going any further. As soon as she sees me without hands the dream will be over anyway. Maybe it’s for the best that our brief time together remains untainted. If she calls, I can warn her about my lack of hands then. That way I won’t have to see her face when she finds out. If she stays on the line, maybe I’ll get a chance to see her again.
CHAPTER THREE
ALEXA
Damon’s jacket is way too big and probably more enjoyably cozy than a stranger’s coat should be. There is a worrisome churning inside my stomach and I know it has everything to do with the jacket’s owner. What was I thinking?
I wasn’t, I guess. He has all the trademarks of my usual mistakes. Did I think because he had a partial safety reference from Sam that it’d be okay to throw myself at him? I don’t need those relationships anymore. I know better than this! Psychologically well-acquainted with my track record, I know how to recognize and avoid my classic errors, but this? It’s as if I haven’t moved on at all.
Admittedly, my instant attraction to him was a definite warning sign, but somehow, without intending to, I ended up in his arms. And I definitely didn’t expect that to feel so... right. He was different. He held me like I was precious, and my body went crazy with tingles all over.
And that kiss. The buzz from that kiss traveled all the way to my toes and back, making me want so much more. That man made me forget everything else in the world. I would happily have spent the rest of my life in those arms and that scares the hell out of me.
I see a good looking guy that’s built for fighting, and I automatically need him to want me so that he will feel obliged to protect me. It’s a vicious cycle that I’m trying to break out of, but instincts are hard to ignore. Especially when they’re coupled with the wild sparks that were flying between us.
Today I basically threw myself at a stranger and felt something so strong, that I wanted to see him again just to check I wasn’t dreaming. After dance class, his car was gone and I considered going into Jake’s gym to ask about him. I didn’t though, thank goodness. It was a terrible idea. Damon feels like relationship material and I’m definitely not falling into that trap again. Even if Damon does come with Sam’s stamp of approval - which is incredibly rare, he’s a complete unknown. For all I know, he could just turn into the next guy I need to be protected from, even if he does seem very nice and gave up his jacket to keep me warm.
This disturbingly pleasant jacket.
It smells of a men’s cologne that I am unfamiliar with, but now know to be my favorite. Masculine, but subtle, it embraces me comfortably without making me feel overwhelmed. Kind of like he did. Pulling the soft fabric closer around myself, I walk home from the bus stop.
The apartment I share with ten others - nine, now that Violet has moved out, I remind myself - is above the strip club where we all work. Beyond the Horny Buffalo is not a regular strip club though. It’s a nurturing place for troubled young men and women to openly explore and work through our sexual issues in a safe look-but-don’t-touch environment. Nina Pryzbylewski (or Prez, to her friends), offers free room and board, and work on or off the stage if you want it, to help support us through what no other community program seems to do: steering our sex lives back into the healthy lane.
Several of my roommates are survivors of abuse, like me. Others have suffered damage to their sexual confidence from body-altering accidents, or choices they’ve made in the past, social anxieties, or even the body image misconceptions they’ve received from unhelpful family members. At Beyond, we are a family. A strong one. We support each other to work through our histories, in order to move into the future with hope, rather than fear or shame.
I’m still a work in progress.
Inside the club’s front doors, I step to the right and punch in the code on the door to the stairwell that leads up to our apartment. Trotting upstairs, I breathe a sigh of relief to be home. The whole place smells of freshly baked cookies and I can hear the clanging of trays in the kitchen. I smile in greeting at Kat as she bends to the oven and switches a tray of hot, golden discs with one of beige, dough-y blobs.
“I love it when it’s your turn to cook, Kat. The apartment always smells how country kitchens look like they’d smell in those happy family movies.”
Straightening, Kat flicks her auburn braid over her shoulder, adjusts the temperature, and does a double take in my direction before focusing her full attention on me.
“Nice jacket,” she says with a smirk. “Got a nice story to go with it?”
“There’s a story, alright. How long do you have?” I ask nodding at the oven. “Because I’d love some advice.”
Kat is the oldest of five kids, for whom she has been responsible since she was eighteen, and is still providing for, even though she no longer lives in the same town. She also happens to be a whiz at all things to do with hair, and works part-time in a salon downtown, and she is very good at listening.
“Nine more minutes. Enough time for me to put the kettle on while you go dump your dance bag. How was class?”
“I don’t remember. Good? I think.”
Laughing quietly, she shakes her head at me. “This is going to be a good story. Where will we talk?” she asks, getting out two mugs. “The living room is empty.”
“My room?” I ask with a squeak.
With a knowing smile, she waves me towards the other side of the big kitchen and the long corridor that leads to the bulk of our huge apartment’s bedrooms and bathrooms. “Sounds juicy. I’ll meet you there in... seven minutes.”
Flashing her a smile over my shoulder, I head to my bedroom - the first in the long hallway. Hanging my bag on its hook, I throw my sweaty gear into the hamper and straighten my room a bit to make things presentable for company. Kat arrives shortly after, with our herbal teas and a couple of still-warm cookies. Taking the goodies she’s offering, I shut the door behind us.
“Ooh, complete privacy,” she teases as her eyes travel the shelves. “Well, almost. They really don’t creep you out at all?” she asks of the many dolls standing guard along my walls.
“I like them. They watch over me. Seat?” I ask, gesturing to my cushion covered bed.
Kat makes herself comfortable and blows across the top of her tea as her eyes come to rest on me. “You’re still wearing the jacket.”
“It smells good,” I explain, holding the collar to my nose and breathing in. “Too good,” I admit with a sigh. “Kat I did something stupid.”
“Picked up someone else’s coat from coat check?” she asks, trying to make me smile as her eyes cast their worried gaze over me.
Shaking my head, I eat my cookie and try to think where to start. “I gave my puffer jacket to a friend that was cold. She sort of pointed me in the direction of someone she thought I might like and Kat, I did like him.”
“That sounds... good?”
I shake my head again. “I mean I really liked him. And I don’t even know him, which means I liked him for all the reasons I always like men. Except he felt... different.”
Frowning in apparent confusion, Kat sits up a bit more. “Hold on. Let me try to understand. You met a guy,” she says, waiting for my nod before she continues. “A guy who used to have a very nice jacket...�
� I nod again.
“A guy who you thought might be the same as all the other guys, but he was different. Different from... the bone-head, alpha guys that you let take you for a trophy when they beat up anyone who bothers you?”
Nodding again, I’m glad that Kat and I have already covered this material extensively.
“Isn’t that good?” she asks, her voice uncertain. “I mean, he sounds like a healthier option than what you used to choose.”
“I know, but I’m all confused. He made me feel safe, which is a huge warning sign, but there was something else, and I don’t know... It was as if he made me feel loved, or something, which is crazy, because I only met him for a few minutes. And I approached him like a groupie which is classic Lexi, not sound decision-making Lexi. I practically threw myself at him.”
“Did he catch you?” Kat asks with a smile.
“Yes!” I reply, knowing she’s only joking, but that she’s said it exactly right. “He caught me when I was falling and he didn’t let go, Kat. I thought about it all the way home. It should have felt completely weird and inappropriate that a complete stranger had his arms around me for what was seriously too much time to be considered ‘appropriate’, but it felt so right, I didn’t even notice the time ticking by. I wanted more.”
Kat pauses on her way to taking another sip of tea. “Did you get more?”
Sighing, I take a sip of my own peppermint tea. “I got him to kiss me.”
Kat chokes on her tea and reaches out to put her cup on my desk so she can cough in earnest. “And?” she asks, her eyes watering.
“And that man could kiss, Kat.”
Looking up to the ceiling, I release a wistful sigh. “I felt that kiss everywhere, not just my lips. In a good way. A great way. You know, most guys get rough too quick. They start off nice, but end up mashing their lips into yours, then barging on in. And they only kiss harder when they get more excited,” I add. “But Damon started off gentle, and right when I thought he was going to ruin it, he backed off again and kept his kiss so sweet and tender it made my insides ache.”