by Tracy Brown
“Nah, Jada,” Born said, getting out of bed and whispering, so as not to wake Anisa. He was glad that his fumbling the phone hadn’t woken her up. He was in a state of shock, hearing Jada’s familiar voice over the phone after so many years. He walked downstairs quietly and slipped into the kitchen to avoid being heard. “I’m glad you called me.” His face bore a smile so wide that his whole face lit up. “It’s good to hear your voice.”
Jada, too, was smiling. She hadn’t heard him speak her name in far too long. “Thank you for the flowers,” she said. “I was real surprised when I read the card. I didn’t expect to hear from you again.”
Born had almost forgotten the sad occurrence that had prompted him to contact Jada in the first place. He apologetically said, “I’m sorry, Jada. I’m sorry to hear about your moms dying.” Born knew how strained Jada’s relationship with her mother had been. There were many times over the years that he had sat and listened to her tell him story after story about her childhood, and about how her mother had let her down. Still, even with all their faults, Born knew that when one loses a parent, there’s a terrible emotional barrage that accompanies that loss.
“Thanks,” she said. “I’m dealing with it.” Jada switched the phone to her other ear. Jada’s voice was tinged with regret. “I wish I could have told her that I forgave her.” She sighed, thinking of her mother’s delicate face, her soft voice, and her calm demeanor. Jada had never wanted to be as soft, as weak as her mother. But after a day spent thinking back on her addiction, she realized that she had been just as weak, just as pathetic.
Born cleared his throat. “I know how that is. I had a lot of shit that I never got to say to my father before he died.”
Silence filled the conversation, as the two of them searched for what to say. So many days, months, and years had passed since their last conversation. So many things had taken place, and the two of them were so very different from the people they’d been when they were younger. But they were also still very much the same.
Jada searched for something to say, but it was Born who filled the silence. “I think about you all the time,” he said. He was being honest. “I really do. I know that the last time we saw each other, it wasn’t nothing nice. But I just want you to know that I still think about you. I think about you a lot.”
Jada wanted to cry and smile at the same time. His words were such a comfort to her, and yet it hurt her so badly to know that he still cared for her after all she’d done. “Born, I’m sorry that I ever hurt you. I don’t know what to say to explain why I did what I did.” Jada paused, knowing that there was no excuse for what she’d done. Born had loved her enough to make up for all the love she’d never had. And that hadn’t been enough to keep her from going back to drugs. She knew that she had let him down just as much as she’d let herself down. “All I can tell you is that I never meant to hurt you. I always loved you, and I’m so sorry for everything.”
Born held the phone, with his eyes closed. Hearing her say those words, he felt her sincerity. He knew in his heart that she hadn’t meant to cause him any pain. “I wanna see you,” Born said before he realized it. “I need to see your face.”
Jada held her breath, completely mesmerized by what he’d just said. She was still amazed at the fact that she was talking to her soul mate after so many years, and so many tears. “I want to see you, too. We’ve got so much catching up to do.”
“Good, so let’s meet somewhere tomorrow,” Born suggested, wasting no time.
“I can’t tomorrow. I’m burying my mother tomorrow. Ava’s staying with me, and Sunny’s here with her daughter. I got a house full of guests coming, and I can’t slip away, even after the funeral.”
“I understand.”
“But what about the next day? Friday. Can’t we see each other then?”
Born thought about Anisa’s birthday plans. She was going away on Friday with Precious and Kiara to Atlantic City. He smiled at the perfect timing, and agreed. “Yeah. That’s perfect. We can get together on Friday.” He was glad that he’d allowed himself to be suckered into footing the entire bill after all. He would be rid of Anisa for the weekend, and free to catch up with Jada, the one who still held the key to his heart. The situation was a win/win.
“Good. I can’t wait to see you.” She paused, summoning the courage to say what was on the tip of her tongue. She could feel her heart racing in her chest. “I miss you.” Jada’s voice sounded soft and unsure.
Born pictured her face, and wondered why he started smiling. “I miss you, too.”
They hung up after agreeing to meet at a new soul food restaurant on Forest Avenue that Friday. They both fell asleep with thoughts of each other running rampant in their minds.
The next day Jada and Ava set about the task of burying their mother. She didn’t mention to Sunny or to Ava that she had spoken to Born the previous night. She kept replaying their conversation in her head, as they headed to the church. Throughout the ceremony, Jada cried and Ava consoled her, and then they’d switch roles. Sunny sat with Sheldon and Mercedes, trying to keep them entertained in the somber setting. She played a game of hangman with them silently in the last pew of the church, while some of the older women in the congregation looked at her disapprovingly. One of the ushers whispered loudly enough for Sunny to hear that it was wrong to play games in God’s house. Sunny resisted the urge to give the Christian women the finger, and simply ignored them, while she continued playing with the kids. The service was beautiful, and when it was concluded, they all piled into the limousine for the journey to Edna’s burial site. Ava had her Gucci shades on to hide her eyes, bloodshot from crying all day. She turned to Jada and held her hand. “I want you to know that it wasn’t easy for me to forgive her either, Jada.”
Jada squeezed her sister’s hand. She had often wondered how Ava had been able to forgive Edna after all their mother’s emotional neglect had driven Ava to run away and to attempt suicide.
“I couldn’t forgive her at first, because I knew that she suspected J.D. was pushing up on me long before I told her that he was. Later on, after me and her started speaking again, she admitted that she was suspicious and that she was in denial. She said she wanted to keep us and keep J.D., and so she made herself see what she wanted to see rather than what was really going on. The picture-perfect family she wanted outsiders to see was really a twisted mess. She tried to hide it. That was her way of dealing with things at that time. Mommy never found the courage to fight until she found Jesus.” Ava wiped her eyes. “It took me a long time to forgive her for being so weak. So don’t think you’re the only one who wasted valuable time being angry. I did, too.”
Sunny handed Ava a tissue, and Jada rubbed her back to comfort her.
At the cemetery, the entire congregation seemed to be present, as they all circled Edna’s final resting place. Jada held Sunny’s hand, and Ava’s, and they prayed with the minister, who said a final prayer for the soul of Edna Ford. As soil was thrown upon Edna’s casket, the minister said that from dust they had all come, and to dust they would all return. Jada glanced around as Edna’s fellow parishioners gathered around her grave. She smiled, seeing that her mother had made such an impression on so many of the members of her church. It seemed like the entire congregation had come out for Edna’s funeral. Jada was happy that her mother had managed to find solace in her faith. She held Ava’s hand, as Ava cried softly with her head on her sister’s shoulder. As they headed back to the limousine for the ride to Jada’s house, Sunny put her arm around her best friend’s shoulder. “Your mother must have been so proud to see who you are now, Jada. You came a long way, and I’m proud of you.”
Jada smiled, and held Sunny around her waist as they walked back to the car. She nodded her head, too choked up to respond verbally. Because after all she had been through, Jada was proud of herself. They piled into the limo, and headed to Jada’s house to welcome the steady stream of well-wishers that they knew would surely come. Some of Edna’s fri
ends would be there to show support, and to genuinely express their condolences.
Others would only be coming to see what was what. They had heard about Edna’s two daughters—one who was a recovering crackhead, and the other, a successful attorney from Philly. They wanted to see what they looked like, and how Jada’s house looked. For that reason, Jada began to straighten up the house, so that the nosy broads coming to snoop would have nothing but good things to run back and tell the rest.
Soon the guests began to arrive, and they all had stories about Edna. One after another, they regaled Jada and Ava with story after story about Edna’s acts of kindness. How she’d volunteered at soup kitchens, and visited the sick as a member of the missionary board. The solo that Edna sang off-key whenever she got the chance. They all spoke of Edna’s faith and devotion to the church. Jada and Ava were soon overwhelmed with hearing all the wonderful stories about their mother. Jada listened, happy that so many people had come to love her mother. She continued playing the perfect hostess, as guests milled about her house. But her mind soon drifted elsewhere.
All she could think about was Born’s voice in her ear. He missed her.
He didn’t hate her. He thought about her all the time. Jada went through the motions of entertaining her guests, and she counted down the hours until she could see the man she still loved once again. The hours ticked by so slowly, and she could hardly wait to see his face once again.
Born sat at the corner table in the back of the soul food restaurant, wondering why he felt strange sensations in his stomach. Could it be that Jada still made him feel this fire after all these years? Born was anxious to see her, but nervous at the same time. So much time had passed since the last time he’d been face-to-face with her. He sipped his drink, glancing periodically at the entrance, waiting for the moment that she would walk through the door. She didn’t make him wait very long.
Jada entered the restaurant, greeted all the regulars, and scanned the room for the love of her life. She felt a knot in her stomach from anticipation. It had been so long since she had last seen Born that she wondered how he had changed, what was different. She wondered if he would think she looked the same, or if she had aged. Would the few pounds she’d gained over the years be instantly recognized? These things she wondered about as her eyes subtly perused the scene.
Jada glanced down at her clothes, unsure. But she decided that the 7 For All Mankind jeans, salmon-colored top, and matching stiletto boots she wore were fine. She couldn’t believe her hands were actually trembling from jitters. Born took it all in, noticing how sexy she still was. Her body was still exquisite; she looked even better than she had the last time he had seen her. He sat dumbfounded, in awe of her, and remembered the very first time he had laid eyes on her. Strutting down the street, with all that body and so many secrets. All the years of loving her came flooding back. Jada turned, and their eyes met across the room. She spotted Born at the table in the back, where she knew he had strategically placed himself to avoid being seen. Born had always been the type to lay in the cut, and avoid detection. She headed toward him smiling, her heart racing all the way. He still looked so good. His smile was so familiar, the way the corners of his eyes creased when he did so. His dimples, which Jada loved so much. Jada felt his eyes penetrating her, and she grabbed her snakeskin clutch tighter in the palm of her hands, and scanned his face as she walked toward him. She felt like time was standing still as she approached his table. Each one step felt like two.
Born stood to his feet, and Jada realized that she had forgotten just how powerful his presence was. He towered over her, fifteen pounds heavier than the last time they’d seen each other, but still so handsome, still so incredibly sexy. He wore a button-up Rocawear shirt, matching jeans, and a pair of Uptowns. His icy chain, dripping in brilliant diamonds, hung low on his chest. She took all of him in, and he could see by the look on her face and the sparkle in her eyes that she liked what she saw. Her smile made his heart race. He pulled her close to him in a firm embrace that was so long and so meaningful that some of the other patrons turned and smiled at them, seeing that there was obviously love between these two. The years had passed, so much had changed, and yet his arms—these arms—felt so familiar. Jada lost herself in them briefly. For several moments, he held her. Then he pulled back ever so slightly and gazed into her eyes, seeing the tears that she was trying so hard to hold back.
“You’re still gorgeous. You know that?” he asked.
She smiled, shyly, getting butterflies after all this time. “Thank you.” Jada smiled, still holding on to him for dear life. She felt that if he let go she might not be able to stand on her shaky legs. “And you’re still the Ayes t nigga on Staten Island.”
Born smiled, and hugged her once more. Then he released her body’s familiar softness, and pulled Jada’s chair out for her. She sat down, and he sat across from her. Jada felt like she was sitting in the middle of a crowded room, and all she could see was Born. She knew that he saw her clearly. She felt transparent, and naked, like she had felt the first time they made love. This was the one person who knew her inside and out. And she knew him just as well.
Born sat there looking at her for several moments. No words were necessary, as they took in one another’s presence. He had seen her in his dreams countless times, pictured her face perfectly in his imagination. But seeing her now—in the flesh—brought him a joy that was unexplainable.
Jada broke the silence that lingered, saying simply, “Wow.” She looked at him staring back at her. “I can’t believe it took us this long to see each other again.”
He shook his head. “Me, either. Yo, I thought about what it would be like to see you today, and I never thought it would feel like this.”
Jada frowned, slightly. “Feel like what? How do you feel?”
He shrugged. “I can’t explain it. I feel so fuckin’ … happy,” he said, grinning from ear to ear. “Man, if you only knew how fast my heart started beating when you walked in here!”
He looked at her pretty doelike eyes. He collected himself, and said, “I’m really sorry to hear about your mother.”
She thanked him, and Born looked at Jada. He saw her through new eyes as she sat there, so vulnerable still. He remembered when he’d hated that vulnerability, recalled that he’d seen that as a weakness. The same type of weakness his father had shown. They were one and the same in his mind all those years ago. But now he realized how much he had held Jada accountable for how Leo had let him down, and he was sorry for that. It wasn’t weakness he seen in Jada. It was tenderness, underneath all that tough talk. It was gentleness and vulnerability beneath the surface of her rough layers. What she had needed wasn’t tough love, but a love that would have helped her overcome any obstacle. Looking at Jada, he felt like he had let her down as much as she’d him. He could only imagine what depths she’d fallen to before climbing her way out and rising to the top of the heap. He was proud of her for being strong enough to pull herself up. For being stronger than his father had been.
Jada, on the other hand, stared at Born, realizing just where she’d gone wrong. This man before her was just a man. Nothing more. She had expected him to save her. To change her life and right all the wrongs she’d suffered. And for a while Born had done just that. But it wasn’t up to him to save her life. She’d had to do it for herself. Just like Miss Ingrid had told her. Jada understood how true that was now. She had had to fight her own demons, just as her mother had learned. Like Edna, Jada had wanted to relinquish control completely. She’d wanted Born to rush in and save her. Writing had become more than a job for Jada. It was so therapeutic, and Jada had learned a lot about herself through her writing. She had realized that she had been longing for a father all her life. When she was angry with Edna as a teenager growing up, part of that anger stemmed from the absence of her father. Jada had never really grieved his loss. Instead, she’d mothered Edna back to life, and then gone in search of someone to take her father’s place. Someone
to fill the void of a daddy’s love, which every girl needs so desperately. Born had become that father figure to her, and she had depended on him for everything. She had expected Born to rescue her from addiction. But instead he had left her to fend for herself, and for a long time Jada had been angry with him for that. Now she understood that Born was not to blame. She knew that it had been her fault that she’d sunk deeper into addiction and further away from herself. When Born left her, she still had herself. It took her far too long to realize that she was all she needed. Still, Born had left her alone, when he said he’d never do that. And as much as she loved this man—as much as she adored him and the memories they’d shared together—she somehow couldn’t forget how easily he’d abandoned her.
“Born, I want to talk about what happened between me and you.”
He nodded, glad that there was no need for awkward small talk. Jada had dived right in. “Listen.” He paused, and took a deep breath. “There’s some things I want to say to you about that.” He drained his glass, and felt his chest burn from the alcohol. Then he looked at her intently. “I was never good at trusting people. I don’t usually allow people to get that close to me. But I thought we were friends. I thought we had honesty and love between us.” Born couldn’t hide the pain in his eyes. “You lied to me. You stole from me, Jada. I never cheated on you. That was the first time in my life that I was faithful to any woman.” He looked at her, curiously. “Did you cheat on me?”
Jada shook her head. “No,” she said, truthfully. “I swear I never did.” And she was relieved to know that he hadn’t cheated on her either.
Born continued. “I was good to you, and I had so much love for you.
I tried to show you that. I accepted you and your past… all I ever asked was that you keep it real with me. I trusted you.” He paused, and looked at her. “You broke my heart, baby girl. And I wanna know why you did that to me.”