by Jamie Summer
The moment our gazes met, warmth spread throughout my body, melting the iciness that had taken up permanent residence within me the past few years.
Anger rose when I realized what happened.
I wouldn't let myself love him again. I couldn't.
I left for more than one reason, and not getting close to Jake Barron was one of them.
When he spoke, the ache I saw in his eyes almost made me reconsider. I couldn’t let myself care. I couldn’t let myself consider, even for a moment, what the softness in his expression communicated all too clearly.
With every word I flung at him, every reason I threw his way as to why I didn't want to have him with me, my heart cracked open a little more.
Everything I said was true. My reasons were just. I hadn't been lying. So why did it feel like every single part of me rebelled at the sound of my own voice?
Jake stayed quiet the whole time, but I could tell the exact moment he resigned himself. His eyes changed from soft to sad, the emotion close to breaking me.
As I watched him walk away, I suddenly didn’t know right from wrong anymore.
Should I have let him help me? Let him ease my pain?
Arms wrapped around me from behind, the sweetness of Anna's perfume hitting my nose. The strawberry taste in it was hard to miss.
“I know it's not my place to say anything, but I don't understand why you torture yourself. I get you want to protect your heart, but sometimes it’s not that clear-cut. He’s a good guy. Don’t forget that.”
I didn't reply. What exactly was I supposed to say? That my heart hurt at the thought of seeing him again just as much as at the thought of leaving? It didn't make sense.
“Let’s go back,” I said, turning toward the house.
It loomed there, a shadow of the beauty it once was. The wooden structure was my father’s pride and joy, and while I’d only been gone two years, the weather had done a number on it. There were cracks on the outer walls, green moss growing along the sides. The wood was wet to the touch, a clear sign the rain currently falling wasn't the first to creep into the house’s pores.
A rush of sadness overwhelmed me, making my heart even heavier. Dad wouldn't have wanted me to leave the house in this condition. He built it with the last pennies he had, and I knew he'd turn in his grave if he saw it now.
Shame replaced the ache within me when I realized how disappointed my dad must be. He always wanted me to stay in this house, raise a family here. We had talked about it more than once, and I always joked it’d be a long while before he would see that. Now he never would, no matter what.
The house was partly in ruins because I would have rather drowned in my pain than tried to honor his memory.
“Wherever your head is right now, you need to come back,” Anna whispered gently, her hand on my arm.
“My dad wouldn’t have wanted me to leave it like this. Barely recognizable and a shadow of its former self.”
Anna didn’t reply, but she didn’t have to. She knew the truth of my words as much as I felt it in my bones.
“Maybe if the storm doesn’t kill everything on this island, I can come back and rebuild,” I thought out loud, seeing a smile spread on Anna’s lips.
“I know your dad would love nothing more. However, I know he’s proud of you no matter what you do.”
I doubted it, but didn’t voice my concern out loud.
We walked inside. Even though I had already been in the house, I was still surprised nothing had changed. I shouldn’t have been, considering no one had stepped foot inside since I left, but somehow, I thought change was inevitable.
The interior looked the same, the decorations I had put up exactly where I left them. Memories assaulted my mind. Days I spent in this living room, my dad on the chair, me sitting in his lap with a book in my hand. We would switch up who read. He’d read to me one day; the next, it was the other way around. All the times we cooked, fished, or played together. Some of my best memories happened in this very house.
The pain felt different than when I saw Jake, but the way my chest tightened was similar. This was one of loss, of missed moments, of years with my dad I didn’t have anymore. Memories we would never be able to make together. Walking down the aisle, seeing my first child. It seemed stupid to think about these things, but I couldn’t stop them from raining down on me.
I felt tears run down my cheeks before Anna took me in her arms. She let me cry on her shoulder, silent tears I had kept bottled up, thoughts I hadn’t allowed myself to consider because I didn’t think I deserved them.
“He’s still with you. Right here.” Anna pointed to my heart, her trembling chin letting me know she wasn’t unaffected by being back here.
“I know,” I whispered.
We stayed quiet after that, both of us hanging on to our own thoughts for a moment. At some point, the tears stopped, my whole body feeling a tad lighter than it had been before.
“What do you wanna do first?” Anna asked as she surveyed the room. It was clear I couldn’t take much to the mainland, so I needed to be careful with what I chose.
“Let’s walk around first, then decide.”
I walked through the living room, gently stroking the old leather couch and the soft armchair next to it. Looking at the small fireplace, I remembered my dad and me sitting in front of it, talking into the wee hours of the morning.
He always wanted to know every little detail about my life. It didn’t matter nothing stayed secret on this island. He always wanted to hear it directly from me. And I loved talking to him. He never failed to show interest in what I had to say, never dismissed my crazy notions. He always encouraged me to follow my dreams.
I came to a stop in front of the fireplace. There were a few picture frames on top of the mantel, moments captured at a better time. When life was still easy.
“When was this taken?” Anna asked, coming to a stop beside me. Her eyes were fixed on a picture of my dad and me by the marina, him holding a huge fish. I didn’t remember what kind it was, my knowledge of the ocean disappearing with the past two years.
“We went fishing that morning. I think it was a few years ago, not long before—” I couldn’t finish, the words not wanting to leave my lips. I cleared my throat. “I watched my dad as he single-handedly caught this monstrous fish. He had his net out, but he always told me there was nothing like doing the fishing yourself. The moment this one took his hook, he beamed. I had rarely seen him so happy. We took this picture when we got back. The whole marina showed up to congratulate him on such a catch. We cooked half of it that evening, sharing it with everyone. Did the same the next day. It was a great two days, everyone coming together to eat, laugh, drink.”
Anna nodded, a smile on her lips. If I recalled correctly, she had been off to the mainland those few days visiting a university she considered attending.
I studied the picture once more. My breath hitched when I caught sight of Jake in the background.
He had been there, too. It was his first or second week on the island. He was still somewhat of an outsider, but I remembered us striking up a conversation about the amount of people in attendance. He was a little overwhelmed, but at the same time in awe of how much everyone truly cared for one another.
I ignored the ache in my heart and pushed the thought of Jake to the back of my mind, knowing I couldn’t deal with this pain on top of losing my dad all over again.
I wordlessly continued walking through the house. Anna followed silently so I could have my peace and quiet, yet always close enough to help should I need it.
I went into the kitchen next. The appliances stood where I’d left them, and besides the dust and dirt, you wouldn’t know they’d been abandoned for two whole years. I let my fingers glide over the counter, leaving a clean trail in their wake.
“My dad loved cooking.” I stopped, remembering how Anna had been on the receiving end of it often enough. “His meatballs were my favorite. I know fish was his specialty, but when
he cooked those meatballs with barbecue sauce, it was always the highlight of my day.”
Anna smiled as she stood next to me, her eyes focused on the cupboard. She opened it, dust trickling from the edges of the door, and got out one of the bowls. “He’d always put them in bowls and serve whatever he made with it separately. He used to say he didn’t want to taint the meatballs. Do you remember?”
I nodded. My dad had the flair for the dramatics, especially when it came to his cooking.
“He was a great cook. He always said my mom taught him everything he knew, so whenever we cooked together, it was as if she were there with us.”
I let the memories wash over me, painful and healing all at once. It had been so long since I’d allowed myself to reminisce, the pain in my heart too great to bear. It felt different now.
Anna moved around the kitchen with ease. I watched her for a moment before deciding only one thing in this room could make its way with me to the mainland. I had limited space, so the cookbook my dad worked with most was all I was going to take. It still sat on the shelf over the sink. As I took it out, several pieces of paper fell out. Recipes my dad scribbled on scraps of paper, receipts, whatever he found on his hunt to get the latest masterpiece down.
Besides fishing, cooking was his passion, so I was never surprised by the recipes he tried…and sometimes failed at. It was for that reason I couldn’t leave the cookbook here.
Anna smiled at me knowingly as I picked up the papers, stuffed them back into the book, and held it tightly against my chest. Maybe it would bring me closer to my dad for just a second.
I returned to the living room and put the book down on the table, deciding it would be where I placed everything I wanted to take with me. As I looked at the clock hanging on the wall, I noticed it was almost noon.
“Do you wanna go and grab a bite to eat?” I asked Anna.
She nodded. “Do you feel like going down to the store? They have a small café there with a lunch menu. Remember?”
I did. It was where I used to meet my dad for his lunch break. And Jake.
Would he be there?
I shook off the thought and smiled at Anna. “Let’s go.”
We locked the door and made our way into town. There were a few people around, some stopping for a quick chat with us. I was quiet and hesitant at first, not knowing what kind of reception I was going to get. I had seen a few of them at Earl’s the night before, but it had been loud and crowded. Now the soft rain falling was all I heard.
Most of the townspeople had nothing but good things to say about me being here. They missed me and hoped coming back would make me realize this place was still home.
I wanted to tell them the only reason I was back was because of the impending storm and the possibility of losing my home, but I stayed quiet. I couldn’t bring myself to utter the words, for reasons unbeknownst to me. Anna was the one who held up the conversation until they left.
“Nobody wants to make you feel guilty. They miss you. Your dad was a big part of this island, as were you. When he died, they didn’t only lose him. They lost you, too. It was harder on them than you might expect.”
I turned my head to look at her. The gentleness in her eyes made me feel bad. I started intertwining my fingers, something I always did when I got nervous or felt backed into a corner. Both of these things applied now.
“I only came because of the storm,” I said in a soft voice, not sounding as convincing as I would’ve liked.
“I know you did. But it doesn’t mean you have to leave because of it.”
“I think a storm like this is a good reason to leave the island,” I replied, making Anna laugh.
“Yes, but once it blows over, you could come back. You said it yourself. You may return to fix up your dad’s house.”
“Possibly.” I hadn’t made up my mind. The mere thought of returning permanently had me breaking out in a sweat. I wasn’t completely there. Yet.
We reached the small store and I smiled at some of the familiar faces sitting in the small café adjacent to it. I remembered most of them from my dad’s company.
From what I heard, most had found a job with the fishing company that took over, while others had decided a change was in order. There were a few people I didn’t recognize, but I hadn’t been here for two years, so that was hardly surprising.
Betty still worked behind the counter, as she had the past twenty years, and when she spotted me, a wide grin spread across her face. We had exchanged a few words the night before at Earl’s, but it hadn’t been enough. She came around and engulfed me in a big hug. “Oh, how I’ve missed you, young lady. I’m so happy to see you here. Your dad would be, too.”
I felt the tears in my eyes, making no attempt to wipe them away. I spent so much time with Betty when I was younger. She was like a grandmother to me. Her own kids and grandkids had moved to the mainland, so the kids on this island had quickly taken their place. She had taught me how to stitch, how to bake, and many more life lessons I would never be able to repay her for.
“I missed you, too,” I told her, swallowing the rush of emotions echoing through me. She had been there for me when my mom died, and she was one of the first to comfort me when the news of my father’s death broke. It was hard to imagine what my life would’ve looked like without her. I had spent countless hours in this café waiting for my dad, doing homework, or helping her out. Betty had been a huge part of my life on the island.
“I’m glad to see you. Though if I know you, you’re not here to stay.”
I shook my head, confirming her suspicions.
“Well, then I’d better make sure I use all the time I get with you. Hey, Anna,” she greeted my friend, then waved us over to one of the tables next to the counter. There weren’t a lot of empty ones left, the lunch crowd already starting to show up.
“Do you need any help?” I asked, falling right into the routine we always had.
“No, dear. Thank you for offering, but I don’t think you came here to help me with the rowdies stopping by for their food. You probably came to get yourself some, right?”
I nodded. “Yes, we did.”
She watched me for a moment. I had the feeling there was something she wanted to say but didn’t know how. That wasn’t like Betty at all.
“I heard you’re going through your dad’s stuff to see what you wanna salvage before this terrible storm hits.” There was no worry in her voice, even though she called it a “terrible storm”.
Are the people on this island not scared at all?
All the years we’d lived here, we never had a storm of this magnitude. How could they all be so nonchalant about it?
“There are a few things I’d like to take home with me.” The words tasted bitter in my mouth. The place I lived now wasn’t home. Never had been and never would be. The second I stepped into my old house, it had felt more like returning home than crossing the threshold of my apartment ever had.
“The usual?” Betty asked as she walked behind the counter. My order wasn’t anything exotic. Bacon cheeseburger with a side of fries.
I nodded. After Anna ordered, Betty walked through the white door I knew led toward the kitchen.
I turned my attention to my friend and found her watching me curiously. I didn’t need to ask to know what she thought about.
“There is a new fishing company,” I stated to divert her attention to something other than the people who so obviously wanted to have me back here.
“They started about two months after your dad died. We needed the income. You know that. They brought a few new people with them, but also took on most of your dad’s workers. Only two didn’t continue working in the fishing industry. Tristan and Jake.”
I tried not to show any reaction to the name, but Anna knew me well enough.
“Are we ever going to talk about this?”
I shook my head. As far as I was concerned, there was nothing to talk about. Jake and I missed our chance, and I wouldn’t let m
y heart get broken a second time. It didn’t matter that the first time was all on me.
There was a stabbing ache in my heart, as if the thought broke it all over again. I felt it spread to my stomach, the hunger I felt two seconds ago vanishing as Jake took up the space. He was still rooted somewhere deep within me, a place I hadn’t managed to shake him out off, no matter how hard I tried.
As if I conjured him up, Jake appeared at the café’s entrance. He was with another guy, one with whom I wasn’t familiar. I watched him scan the area, coming to rest on where we sat. His eyes widened when he spotted me. I wanted to avert my gaze, but I couldn’t. It was as if some magnetic pull—the same one that had always brought us together—wouldn’t let me.
“Hey, Jake. Haven’t seen you in a while. What’s it been? Two days?” Betty’s voice came from the counter and broke the spell we were both under.
I quickly turned away before I saw his reaction. I scooted a little in my chair so my back was toward him. It was petty, but I couldn’t help myself. Being home was enough. I didn’t have any energy left to deal with some deep-rooted feelings I had tried to forget over the past two years.
“It’s only been a day, Betty, but I’m flattered you missed me.” Jake’s voice echoed along the walls, an obvious smile in it. I heard footsteps, but forced myself not to turn and look.
“Of course I did. A day without you is a lost day in old Betty’s life.”
I smiled, loving the way these two interacted. It reminded me of how Betty and I used to be…before I up and left.
“Here you go, ladies. Enjoy.” Betty placed two plates on our table, one filled with greasy goodness while Anna had gotten the spaghetti. It was what she always ordered. We weren’t risk takers.
The scraping sound of a chair being pulled out made me turn my head to my left. I watched Jake and his friend sit down at the table next to ours. I was about to suggest he sit somewhere else when I realized I shouldn’t be bothered by it in the first place. Plus, the table was the only empty one.
Great. Just great.
I felt Anna’s watchful eyes on me. Thankfully, she was too busy eating to lecture me.