by Olivia Fox
She pulled herself upright, and looked Seb squarely in the eye.
“You don’t understand,” she said. “I’ve fucked it all up. I’ve really fucked up. He’s read my diary. I never should have - I just never thought anyone would read it. And he was manic - I’ve never seen him so out of control. God knows what he’ll do. What if he goes to the papers?! What if…”
“Easy, Lily, it’s OK. You’re in shock. He’s not going to do anything.”
“You don’t get it! Read it. I want you to read it, then you’ll know.”
This is it, she thought, this is rock bottom. He’s going to read it, and whatever’s starting up between us will be over. But he had to know. If she’d landed him centre-stage of a scandal, he deserved to know what he was up against. Against his protestations, she retrieved the diary and handed it to him.
“Please,” she insisted. “Go on, just read it. Then we’ll talk.”
Seb clearly had no interest whatsoever in reading her diary. He gave her a look of abject frustration, but as Lily faced him, arms folded, deadly serious, he must have seen he was fighting a losing battle. He opened the blue velveteen cover: Jan 2nd, What on earth am I letting myself in for?…
While Seb read, Lily rearranged her kitchen. She binned the flowers and, after a momentary thought to her wastefulness, she binned the wine too. Then the anti-bac cleaner. Then her tights. She needed every bit of Tom gone; every last fingerprint. She filled a bucket with bleach and hot water, and she scrubbed every surface until her arms ached. Then she started on the bathroom. It was simultaneously cathartic and stress inducing. The more she cleaned, the more she needed to. First the rooms, then herself. She stripped off and scrubbed herself beneath the luke-warm shower until her fingertips had shriveled to prunes, and her soap dotted the plug hole in limp little blobs. Her shoulder stung like a burn.
When she finally came back to the living room, engulfed in a huge white towel, damp hair dripping down her shoulders, Seb was pacing. Holding his phone in a vice-like grip, he spoke coolly, but the taut muscles in his jaw gave the game away.
“I know. Fine. Yes, I know. I owe you one. Hang on a minute, Lily’s here,” he said, his frown evaporating. Then, muting his mobile, and beckoning her to him, “Don’t panic, I’m just talking things through with my lawyer. Nothing to worry about. Just a second… Grayson? You still there? Uh-huh. Yeah, I think so. OK, fine. Talk to you in the morning.”
Seb put his phone on the mantelpiece and wrapped his arms around Lily, holding her as gently as possible, careful not to touch her raw shoulder.
“You’re not mad at me then?” she asked, looking up at him.
“Jesus. Of course I’m not mad at you. That stuff doesn’t matter. I’ll sort it. You didn’t name any of our guests, which keeps things relatively simple. Let me worry about the rest.”
"I called you an a-hole control freak."
"I liked that part,” he said, running his fingers into her hair, then stroking a thumb against her lips. “Look - just tell me what to do, Lily. I'm struggling here. It's all I can do not to hunt down that piece of shit. So you tell me what to do and I'll do it. Anything. I'll even sit down and shut up if you tell me to.”
What I want, thought Lily, is the evening we were meant to have before that rat-bastard showed up.
Seb looked lost.
She could feel that all too familiar heat rising in her cheeks. “I’m OK,” she said. “I’m just - pissed off - I guess. I want to rewind a couple of hours, to the bit where you still wanted to seal the deal - as you put it - then we’d get in the cab, and I’d tell the cabby to take us someplace else. Anywhere would have done. Anywhere dry, warm and psycho-free.”
Seb watched her tentatively. “The bit where I still wanted that? I still want it. Believe me. But I’d be a bigger shit than your ex if I still expected to have my way with you. Wouldn’t I? Why do I feel like I’m missing something here?”
“Because you are,” she said. “I want you to - you know - what you said - have your way. I think maybe I need you to. Here I am again, stressing over that arsehole - and I need to unwind. I need you to unwind me…”
Seb pulled her closer. His hands gripped her waist, then slid beneath her towel to stroke the soft flesh of her belly. He leaned in, kissing her with his velvet mouth, pushing her lips apart, nibbling them, teasing them, then pushing in further, massaging her tongue with his. His hands explored the smooth curves of her buttocks, and he pulled her close against the rock-hard bulge in his jeans.
His mouth drifted to her jaw, the nape of her neck, her ear lobe. “This may be a bad idea,” he murmured. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Then don’t hurt me.”
She slid her hands under his t-shirt, as he shrugged off his jacket.
“Slowly does it young lady. Hasn’t anyone told you yet? I’m an a-hole control freak in the bedroom.”
He pulled Lily’s towel loose and held her pressed naked against him.
“Lucky for me, we’re not in the bedroom,” she said, starting to unbuckle his belt.
Oh-so-gently, he kissed her shoulder, just above the broken skin, then, much to the dismay of Lily’s eager hands, he dropped to his knees, telling her, “Don’t move a muscle.”
He pulled his t-shirt over his head, then pushed his strong torso against her belly, arms wrapped around her, holding her just below her buttocks, his fingers achingly close to her sex. His stubble brushed her belly as he kissed her, working his way tantalizingly slowly down her pubic bone, then between her legs, then easing his middle finger, slowly, tentatively, inside her, circling her clit with his tongue. His moved in a slow pulse as his expert tongue seduced her clit with long gentle caresses, making her wetter, readier until her whole body tingled with sensation, longing for more. He read her reactions effortlessly, moving his finger more vigorously.
And just when Lily felt she might collapse, he drew out, gripped her waist and pulled her down onto her knees.
“You’re going on top, Lily Wilde. This may be a one-time-only deal due to unforeseen injury, so feel free to enjoy it,” he grinned. “But let’s get one thing straight - I’m still, most definitely, in the saddle.” Then before she could respond, he kissed her mouth passionately, jangling the buckle on his belt loose, and unbuttoning his jeans. Then pushing his jeans and boxers down to his knees, he pulled Lily against him, his naked cock pressing into her belly.
She leaned her face into his neck, feeling the line of his jaw, hard against her cheek, and inhaling that cinnamon-tobacco scent. Her breath was jagged, out of control, as she struggled with her retort, “We’ll - just - have to see - about that.” Oh, sure - way to go. Could I sound any less convincing?!
“Back-chat. I like it. Keep going - let’s see how far it gets you,” he laughed, then pushing himself up onto his haunches, he reached for his jacket and pulled a condom from an inside pocket. He brought himself back down onto his knees, and handed her the packet. “Go ahead.”
“Fine.” Does he know I’ve never done this? Oh shit, he probably will soon. In all her eight years with Tom, they’d used condoms maybe twenty times tops. She’d already been on the pill before they got together, to regulate her crazy cycle. Though she’d asked Tom to wear a condom in those first couple of weeks, he soon persuaded her they’d be safe without. It’s not like I sleep around, he’d said. So he’d worn them at both the very beginning and the very end of their relationship; always insisting on doing the job himself. It had never been part of the foreplay; not that there’d ever been much of that. And when Seb had rubbered up the previous Saturday, she’d been a little tied up.
All fingers and thumbs, Lily fiddled with the packet. He’s enjoying this - watching me flustered.
“Need some help with that?”
“No, thank you.” Yes! Finally the condom was free of it’s wrapper. Now, which way round does this thing go. Think, Lily. Ah ha! Yes, that’s it - it kind of sits on top then you-”
“You might want to pinch the
top,” he advised, barely masking his smile.
“Shush - I’m getting there.” She pinched the top - thanks for the reminder - then unfurled the condom down his length. “There!” Oops- try to sound a little less pleased with yourself!
“Perfect,” he said, with perhaps - no definitely - a hint of amusement in his tone. “So - Want to try it for size?” He pulled her closer, both kneeling, drawing her onto him, his cock rubbing wet against her sex.
“Now - not that I have a problem with your shower-gel - but I’m missing that natural Lily smell…”
“O-kay…”
“Which means, I’m going to have to make you sweat.” He gripped her hips, easing her further onto him. Her breath lurched mid-gasp, and suddenly he was stretching her, filling her, deep and tight and hot as hell. She lent in, forcing his lips apart with hers. Gliding her tongue into his hot, sweet mouth, as he answered her need with his own. He held her in position, guiding her hips, moving her in a slow pulsing rhythm. The fabric of his jeans rubbed rough against her thighs, in stark contrast to the warm smoothness of his flesh. “Hold still,” he told her. Then reaching out, he grabbed his belt before announcing, “Y’know- it’s been a long day. I think I might have a lie down. But don’t mind me. Please continue.”
He adjusted himself underneath her so that she sat astride him while he lay back, a wry smile on his lips, apparently enjoying the view.
“Oh - and just in case you’re forgetting whose boss,” he said, circling the belt around her buttocks, clasping the ends in his hands, pulling her entire body forward with a quick yank, “- that ought to do the trick.” A jolt of animal lust shot through her.
He moved her skillfully, letting her find a rhythm, watching her excitement build, then tugging her, thrusting her forward whenever her stamina dipped, jerking her body against his with such passion that shock-waves of energy ignited her veins.
That same energy roared through him. She could see it. The blood-rush to his lips, the way his eyes frenetically surfed the curves of her body, the way each pull of the belt made his jaw clench, determined, alive. She could have let him lead her, could so easily have taken his direction until she couldn't take any more. But she wanted to give too, wanted to show him how he made her feel.
She drew back, supporting herself on her knees and pulling back until the tip of his cock was only just inside her, then eased down fully upon him, the mirror image of the way he'd fucked her, slick and hard, against the window. His head tipped back as he groaned, his luscious muscles rippling, glistening with sweat. His biceps flexed and he gripped the belt tight, but he didn’t pull it. She repeated the movement, wondering how long Seb could resist pulling the belt. Again and again, she pulled up almost entirely then dropped down, each time a little more forceful, as he visibly struggled with the urge to take charge.
His self-control was wavering, his eyes darkening. Lily pulled back again, onto her knees, running her fingertips across his hard belly, testing him, challenging him to resist. Then as she thrust back down, he groaned again but this time it merged into laughter. He couldn’t do it, couldn’t hold back any longer.
He grabbed the belt tight, staring at her devilishly, eyes dark and wide, lips parted, then jolted her forward, over and over, hard and wild. And then the belt wasn’t enough. He threw it aside and grabbed her soft buttocks in his hands. She gasped as he jerked her fast and unyielding, and she gave herself over to him entirely, her thighs tightening, charged with a lust which coiled through her like a spring.
Seconds became tortuous minutes, until she was so on the brink of orgasm she could barely stand it. But she wanted to hold on. To enjoy the escalating agony. Too bad. She was a goner. Her eyes clouded. He pulled her forward, flat upon him. Her lips met with his then opened, tongues melting together as one final thrust filled her senses with spasms of blinding white light. And at that moment there was nothing else.
Just her body and his. Inseparable.
Lily woke up roughly a half hour later, still on her living-room floor, but now draped in the throw from the sofa. Seb was still lying next to her, but that muscle in his jaw was working overtime again.
“What's wrong?" she said.
"Hmm? Oh, nothing. Nothing's wrong. I'm just - thinking. You know how I told you I want to try something new - clean up my unholy act?” he said. “ Well it's been five years since my last -”
“Confession?”
“…relationship. And I want to try having a girlfriend. You - I want you to be my girlfriend. One hundred percent monogamy.”
Lily propped herself up on her elbows, then winced, remembering her sore shoulder a little too late. "Pleased to hear it," she said.
"But I don't think you're ready."
She sat up. It felt like such a cruel blow. Building her up, just to knock her down again.
"Why?!" She stared at him, now wide awake. "Was it the sex?"
"Christ, no. Of course not." He pulled her on top of him, raking his fingers through her hair. "I loved the sex."
Lily pulled away from him. She scanned the floor for her towel and grabbed it. Somehow, this felt like a conversation she didn't want to have naked. The kind of conversation where you started off sunshine and forget-me-nots and you ended up totally fucking miserable.
"I don't understand what you’re talking about then."
"I'm talking about this -" He lifted the diary into view and Lily had the sinking realization he'd been looking at it again while she slept. "- your New Year’s resolution. I'm talking about you wanting to experiment for a while, after eight years with that tosser."
"I wasn't with you when I decided that."
He rolled onto his side to face her. Where the hell was he going with this?
"So you don't feel that way now?" he asked. His gentle tone failed to soften the underlying message that was coming through loud and clear: this was just a bit of fun - don't expect any more from me. Lily prayed that was just her insecurities talking.
Seb continued, "You're telling me that us starting up a relationship right now wouldn't feel like a compromise? Because I think it would."
Screw this. "I'm gonna go get dressed," she said, managing, with difficulty, to pick herself up, and pulling the towel tight around her.
"Lily, will you just listen?”
She didn't answer. She walked off to her bedroom and closed the door.
"Lily?" He called, his voice barely muffled by the thin partition walls.
She ignored him.
Laundry, some clean, some less so, lay strewn across the room. She grabbed a jumper dress and leggings from the bed, pulled them on and tried to centre herself.
"Lily, will you just hear me out?" He knocked gently on her bedroom door.
Oh shit, here we go. Lily pulled open the door. Seb was leaning against the chipped gloss door frame, jeans slung low about his hips, his expression a mixture of confusion and concern. Keep you cool, she told herself, and whatever you do, don’t sodding well cry.
“I'm not saying it's perfect,” she said. “In an ideal world, I'd meet you six months - maybe even a year down the road. But that didn’t happen - did it - so -”
“This is exactly what I'm saying.” Seb tried to reach out to her, but she flinched back.
“What? What are you saying? That you don't want me, because I might not be ready? Isn’t that up to me? Of all the lame excuses. If you don’t really want-”
“I want you.”
He said it with such cool, hypnotizing clarity that Lily was brought up short. Even that nagging voice - the one that told her she’d never live up to his expectations - was forced to temporarily shut up and listen. She waited, listening to the radiators popping to life, while Seb stood there unmoving. It seemed like he was struggling to say what needed to be said.
“Can we sit down?” he said gesturing towards to bed. Lily stepped aside, letting him in, but there was a palpable distance between them when they sat down.
Seb sighed. “I guess what I'm saying i
s I've got a proposition for you. It’s just an idea. But I think you should do what you planned to do.”
What in God’s name does that mean? Lily stared at him. As the moment dragged, her lips seemed to twist into a wary knot of tension, and her brow creased painfully. But she didn’t look away.
“What I’m saying is, I think you should have it - your year of experimentation - maybe six months - we'd have to iron out the details - and then, once you're done, we draw a line under it.”
Whatever Lily had been expecting, it hadn’t been that. All the tension slipped from her expression, her lips parting incredulously. It was like she’d suddenly lost all muscle control in her face, and all she could do was stare, slack-jawed and wide-eyed, for long, drawn-out, seconds. “And you'd - what? You'd just wait?” This was craziness. Surely he could hear how crazy it was.
“Not exactly. I don't think I could keep my hands off you for all that time.”
“So...”
“So what I'm saying is, I won't be seeing anyone else. Just you. But maybe you should see other people.”
“Jesus. And that wouldn't bother you?” Lily was leaning closer now, studying his face in pure amazement. He stole the opportunity to pull her against him, resting her head on his lap, while she gazed up at him astonished.
He ran his fingers through her hair as he spoke. “I don't entirely love the idea of you with other people. But then I don't love the idea of you always wondering about this stuff. If you choose to be with me - which hopefully you will - then I don't want it to be a compromise. And in the mean time, you can always experiment with me too, y’know.”
She didn’t speak at first. There was an odd kind of logic to what he was saying, and though her gut instinct told her this idea was madness, she couldn’t entirely pinpoint a good reason why.
“I don't think I could do it,” she finally said. “I kind of see the sense in what you’re saying. But it would seem so unfair on you.”