by Olivia Fox
I climbed into bed, head still spinning, body still shuddering on the verge of orgasm. Within a minute I… how to put this?… reached my end point (!) and before I knew what had hit me, was waking up to sunlight and the smell of freshly ground coffee. I’d slept for ten solid hours.
OK. That’s quite enough about my risque antics for the time being. Except to add that Christoph did indeed get in touch. I didn’t see him in person. He’d left before I got up. But he’d asked Grayson to pass on a message.
Grayson hurried me into the office as soon as he clapped eyes on me at the base of the stairs, and excitedly pulled a file from the shelves. His eyes sparkled with something other than raw amusement as he said the words I’ll never forget: ‘Christoph wants to force himself on you.’
What the fuck?! And what’s more, for reasons too uncomfortable to go into, I actually found myself considering his offer. Craziness. What’s wrong with me?!
Yours urgently-in-need-of-lobotomy,
Lily x
21
Lily put down her pen and slumped onto the couch. Her couch. It had been a fruit-loopy whirlwind of a day, and she was glad to be back in her own space. Back on solid ground, where her thoughts felt more like her own. She snapped off another piece of chocolate, cursing herself for only buying the one bar. Her period had started the moment she’d walked through her front door, and she’d immediately turned about tail to get stocked up on chocolate and tampons; physically exhausted, but grateful her body had had the decency not to bring on Aunt Flo yesterday evening.
She reread her last few sentences. Forced sex. He wants to force himself on me. Jesus. It was a crazy notion, one she’d never entertain, surely, except - well - a little bit of her was entertaining it. That ‘little bit’ was also trying to come to terms with the most shocking part of the masquerade - something Lily couldn’t even bring herself to write about, it was that ridiculous. Ridiculous and somehow very, very painful.
She and Grayson had been in the office while Grayson did his best to explain how Christoph’s proposal was actual quite run-of-the-mill. Lily hadn’t bought into it for a second, but she pretended to listen all the same, allowing herself some time to recover from the shock of this mad-cap suggestion.
“OK, so I’m not saying it’s something all that many of our clients request, but it’s hardly unheard of either,” he’d said, flicking through his file until he’d found the section he was after. “Here we go. There’s a bunch of consent forms here. See for yourself.” He stood next to Lily then, so she could see the document, though he covered the signatory’s name with one hand. “You probably don’t know her, but just in case,” he’d explained. Lily couldn’t have cared less who the client was. She’d already spotted a different name on the document. And suddenly she no longer knew which way was up and which way down.
Grayson caught on a little too late. “Shit. Sorry - bad example. Here, I’ll find another. Just a minute…” he started flicking the pages but the damage was done. She sat down, her head swimming. Drowning more like. One sentence had done that. Just a few little words which were now tacked to her heart with drawing pins: ‘The client requests that Sebastian Harper take the role of aggressor.’
“Oh, God… Lily, it’s really not such a big deal. Honest to God, it’s not. You want a drink? You’re white as a ghost.”
She shook her head. It made no sense. Seb was so vehemently against Lily getting involved in rape role-play. Not that she’d have considered it for a second anyway. Was it a case of ‘do as I say, not as I do’? Could he really have done that? Did he… enjoy it?
Grayson gently closed the folder and rested it on the desk before wrapping an arm round Lily’s shoulders. “That’s why Ana was so pissed with him at dinner - you know - about the whole the ‘forced sex’ issue,” he sighed, holding her tight. “But I am sorry, Lily. I know you think highly of him.”
Lily’s eyes glazed with tears but she fought them back, feeling suddenly childish. Grayson kept going, though nothing he could’ve said was going to make Lily feel any better. “But - you know - other than being an extreme hypocrite, he’s not done anything wrong. He only role-played with women who specifically wanted to act out that fantasy. And the feedback was amazing. I mean - wow - happy customers! And…” Grayson trailed off, realizing a little too late that Lily really didn’t want to hear this stuff. “Are you OK?”
No, she thought, her thoughts melting into a swirling chaos. Not OK at all. “I don’t know.” Lily chewed on her bottom lip, staring absently into the middle distance.
“Don’t be mad at him. He thinks he’s protecting you, I guess.”
“I guess.” It didn’t sound like her voice. The words were disjointed, too croaky.
“Well, look - I’ve told Christoph you’ll need time to think it through, so no pressure - none at all. I just wanted you to have all the facts so you can make your own decision.”
Grayson’s words barely penetrated the wall of doubt stacking high between Lily and her supposed lover. Do I even know you at all, Seb Harper? She thought. Is this what you’re into?
“Lily? Did you hear me, honey? I said do you want to get back to me in a day or so?”
She turned to look at him. “I know my answer.”
Grayson shrugged. “Sure. I understand. I mean Seb was pretty clear on this - of course you wouldn’t want to rock the boat by going against him, and…”
“It’s not about Seb,” she interrupted, meaning every word. “I wouldn’t enjoy it. I don’t want it.”
He nodded. The sparkle in his eyes had been well and truly snuffed out. Lily even found herself feeling a little guilty; but there was no point dragging things out. She knew how she felt, and she knew how she’d feel tomorrow, and the day after that.
Just as Lily was about to make her excuses, Ana walked in. She clocked Lily’s shell-shocked expression in an instant. “Lily, are you alright? What’s happened?”
“She knows about Seb.” He pointed at the folder, and Ana’s face eventually morphed from confusion to understanding.
“Oh.”
“Oh, indeed,” he said. “I’m such an idiot.”
Lily’s shock was beginning to mingle with embarrassed. She felt foolish getting so upset. Anyone who stepped foot in Hatherly was expected to be open to just about anything and everything, and here she was, feeling like her heart was about to break. It was ludicrous. “I’m fine. Really.”
Ana shook her head. “You’re not fine. Lily and I need some girl only time. Come with me - we’ll go somewhere private.” Lily didn’t have the energy to refuse.
Ana led Lily down the corridor. For a mad moment, Lily thought they were headed for the dungeon, but they veered off into the Gym, settling opposite each other on two adjacent weight benches.
Ana launched into her monologue. “I need to apologize for yesterday. My family drive me crazy - and their timing! Right before the masquerade - I won’t go into it, but I hope I didn’t seem unfriendly.”
Lily had been so wrapped up in thinking about Seb, she’d actually forgotten about Ana’s weird behaviour last night. But thinking on it, yes, she had seemed unfriendly. Very. No point dwelling though. “No, it’s fine.”
“Do you promise? Because I feel terrible. You disappeared for most of the night and -”
“I promise. I mean - I was worried maybe I’d done something, but I wasn’t avoiding you. I just got tired early.” No need to go into details…
Ana reached out to stroke Lily’s hand. “We’re friends, Lily. Never think otherwise.”
Lily feigned a smile, and Ana smiled back. Fake or real? It was hard to tell. “Anyway, no more talk about me and my moods. I want to talk to you about this ‘forced-sex’ thing, without Grayson or Seb. Girl to girl. OK?”
Lily shrugged. She’d let Ana say what she wanted to say. It could hardly make her feel any worse.
“OK,” Ana began. “Lily, the first time I wanted to try that particular role-play, half of me was insanely excited,
the other half was petrified. Seb’s girlfriend at the time - Maria - she used to be a big part of our scene. She was experienced - believe me, that makes a big difference - and she offered to role-play with me. It was some of the most amazing sex I’ve ever had. I was totally at her mercy, but I knew she’d respect my limits. It’s such a thrill - I just can’t describe the feeling. Maria gave me that; safety and exhilaration, all mixed into one. And Seb’s done the same for many of our clients. They ask him because they trust him to know how far to go. He’s a good man.”
Ana looked at Lily expectantly. Did she want some kind of response? Lily felt numb. Many of our clients… Many?! How many women had he pretended to rape? No; she didn’t want to know. Had he enjoyed it? Ah yes - that was the key question here. A question she might never feel brave enough to ask for fear of knowing the answer. “If I were you,” Ana continued, realizing Lily wasn’t going to join in this conversation any time soon, “I would take time to think your reactions through, before you go saying anything to Seb you might regret.”
“You don't have to worry about that,” Lily told her. She wasn’t planning on talking to Seb any time soon. She needed time, alright, Ana was dead right about that. But how much time? A day, a week, a month? Would she ever be able to talk to him as though he were anything more than an bewildering stranger?
She hoped so.
Still Sunday, 13th Feb
Dear diary,
I just spoke to Seb. I didn’t want to. He phoned me. The phone kept ringing, and I kept thinking it’d go to voice-mail, but I guess I need to set that up. Anyhow, I eventually caved and we spoke. And do you think I asked him about any of the shit I’ve spent all day struggling with? Did I hell. Here’s why - good old fashioned fear. I want to ask him - of course I do - but I’m scared a. of what he might say, and b. of what I might say - if I’m going to leave the guy, I don’t want it to be a flipped-out spur-of-the-moment thing.
I’ll talk to him tomorrow though. Otherwise I’ll go nuts thinking about it all. But right now I’m going to bed. It’s only 8:30pm but I’m shattered. I just need to stop thinking for a while.
Lily x
Dear Diary,
It’s gone 1am and I’m still awake. This is beyond a joke. I need SLEEEEP! I just keep going over and over the weirdness of Seb doing that ‘thing’ with those client women, and I can’t get my head round it. If I could just understand why those women would want that then maybe I could accept Seb’s involvement. They asked him. I keep telling myself that. THEY ASKED HIM!!! But then the niggling doubts seep in again… what did he get out of it? I should phone him. He’d still be awake. I need him to explain how it was, then maybe it’ll all make some kind of sense. He’ll be pissed at Grayson for telling me, but that’s not the point. Anyway, I’ve a right to know what I’m getting myself into. We just need to talk this out like adults. There’s no other way.
Oh shit. Oh heck. Is there?! Is there another way? If I say yes to Christoph I’ll know first hand how Seb’s clients felt. Would that help? Maybe I’d see it’s all just a game; just role-play. But no. I’d be consenting for all the wrong reasons. I’m just tired. I’m not thinking straight.
L x
22
The next few days trudged along in a sleep-deprived haze. Ever since Christoph had propositioned her, she’d been a mess. It was the indecision. It dulled her appetite and had her waking in the wee small hours unable to drift off again. She’d lie in bed, stacking up reasons not to sign the contract, but without any real conviction.
Work was a struggle. The office stuff she could cope with, just, but the prep-work was simply too much for her flagging energy levels. On Thursday, Lily passed out half an hour into setting up a corporate lunch, having climbed one too many flights of stairs, and spent the remaining day in bed while Cayley covered for her.
Lily didn’t expect to sleep, but somehow sleep found her, and between 5pm and 5am the next morning she was dead to the world. Blissfully absent. She dreamed fragmented dreams; playing hide and seek with Ana, searching a crowd for Maria; finding Maria locked in Seb’s embrace, then watching the scene play out in black and white within a neat white frame.
She woke disoriented but renewed, shedding her dream-state and finding a freshly rational Lily underneath. She determined not to waste her newfound energy mulling over Christoph’s contract, but as she waited for her alarm to sound, she drifted habitually into those same thought patterns which had plagued her week. She thought of Seb’s ferocity when Ana first brought up the issue of forced sex, she thought of Ana’s rapturous description of Maria. Seb’s response had been instinctive, uncompromising; Ana’s words were logical, considered, gentle.
‘Maria gave me that; safety and exhilaration, all mixed into one. And Seb’s done the same for many of our clients. They ask him because they trust him to know how far to go. He’s a good man.’
Seb is a good man. Whatever else she believed, she had to believe that. But was Christoph? Could she trust Christoph to know how far to go? He was experienced. He should know. But did he? Would the thrill of the game turn it into more than a game for him? Lily thought back to Saturday night. He’d pushed her limits, always skating close to the edge, but he’d known when to hold back. She’d been at his mercy, but she’d not come close to using her safety word.
The alarm on Lily’s phone tripped her thoughts. She pressed snooze, sighing, knowing she was going around in circles yet again. But Ana’s words played out relentlessly. Safety and exhilaration… safety and exhilaration… wasn’t that what had got Lily so pent up and orgasmic the other night? Not exactly a million miles away from what Christoph was now proposing. Maybe fantasizing about rape wasn’t quite as whack-a-doodle as she’d first thought; not that she’d ever consider it of course. But it kind of made sense, especially for someone like Lily. When she’d been a teenager her dad had totally opted out of the birds/ bees chat. He’d turned a vivid shade of vermilion from the neck upwards, given her a book called ‘Healthy Teen, Happy Teen’ and left her to her own devices. She didn’t blame him. Well not much. It can’t have been easy for him, raising a daughter, alone. All the same, the younger Lily had learned to see sex as something a little shameful. Perhaps she’d not yet quite let go of those thoughts. But with submission, sex didn’t have to be guilt-ridden because someone else was calling the shots. And when it came down to it, weren’t rape fantasies just another form of submission? Safe submission. Safety and exhilaration.
The alarm went off again. She pressed snooze again. She’d been talking herself into texting Grayson for the past forty-five minutes. Was it so totally crazy to consider going through with it? If she were doing it just to understand Seb a little better, then yes, that’d be pretty damn crazy, but wasn’t there more to it than that - wasn’t she also just the teensiest bit curious? Argh! Too many stupid questions!! Lily pulled the pillow from under her head and smothered her face in it. If only she could stop thinking for ten seconds.
Really though, it was just one question: ‘Yes’ or ‘No’? And as the alarm pierced her thoughts for a third time, she pushed herself upright, grabbing her screaming phone, ready to bite the bullet. She turned off the alarm and brought up her messages. She could do this. Just a text. Just a contract. Just a game. Easy as one, two, three. Huh! Yeah right! She told herself. But she could change her mind if she bottled out. Not that she would, but if she did Christoph would understand.
23
Her phone beeped the moment she sat down at her desk. A text from Grayson: Will fax paperwork. Let me know when coast is clear. Christ! Did he mean the contract? She’d only just told him she’d reconsidered Christoph’s offer. Hadn’t taken long for him to get the wheels in motion. And he wanted her to sign it here and now?! Her eyes darted left and right. Still no sign of Cayley this morning. Unlike her to be late. The coast wouldn’t be clear until she knew whether or not Cayley was going to pop up and surprise her at any moment.
She sighed and replied: Too busy here. Why so urgent?
>
Grayson: Tut tut. Not urgent. Just efficient ;-) Date with Christoph Saturday if suits u. Don’t u want time to read it through?
Lily: Saturday?! Tomorrow?!!!
Grayson: No good?
Lily pushed back in her chair, holding the phone at arms reach. Why so soon?! And was it all booked in already? Had Grayson and Christoph been that cocky? As though he’d read her mind, Grayson texted again: Let me know which evenings ur free between now and next Wed. Meeting C after work. Will discuss. Think he’s def free Sat but prob would rearrange other commitments if diff eve is better.
Good, she thought. At least the boys hadn’t decided it was a foregone conclusion. But tomorrow? That was too soon. She needed time to mentally prepare. She’d tell him some time next week. But she really did want to see that contract before setting a date in stone. Still no sign of Cayley.
“Sod it,” she muttered, her fingers darting across her keypad. Can I see contract? Coast clear.
Grayson: OK. Coming through…
The antiquated fax machine on Cayley’s desk woke up. Somehow, though the company was well and truly modern in so many respects, this machine had survived. Lily jumped forward and pressed the flashing orange button to accept Grayson’s fax, then the thing whirred into action.
“Oooh, is it Grayson?” sang Cayley, leaning in the doorway with Mr Bateman at her side. “Grayson’s the only one who faxes us. It’s like some kind of legal thing,” she said.
Lily stared, nonverbal and goldfishy.
Cayley frowned, a question mark forming in her expression, but Bateman’s paws on her butt distracted her from her thoughts.