by Ally Blue
Keegan’s entire body trembled violently and his eyes glazed with panic. It was all Scott could do to resist the urge to sweep Keegan into his arms and hold him tight. He stopped, his gaze never leaving Keegan’s face.
“I’d never hurt you,” Scott said softly. “Tell me why you’re so afraid.”
Keegan’s back hit the wall. His teeth chattered together and his eyes darted like flies around the room, refusing to settle on anything. He looked utterly terrified, and suddenly Scott saw the connection.
“This has something to do with your nightmare, doesn’t it?”
Keegan shot a wide-eyed look at Scott. Their eyes only met for a second, but it was enough for Scott to know he was right.
“Keegan, please,” Scott said, taking a step forward. “Whatever it is, let me help. You were there for me these last few weeks, when I wanted to leave Logan but didn’t know it yet. Let me be there for you now. Tell me what happened to make you like this.”
To Scott’s surprise, Keegan’s eyes filled with tears. He slid down the wall and sat huddled on the floor, shoulders hunched and knees bent up to his chest. “Go away,” he whispered. “Leave me alone.”
Wanting to comfort Keegan, Scott reached out and touched his shoulder. Keegan flinched and curled up tighter, squeezing his eyes shut. Tears leaked down his cheeks. Scott had never seen Keegan lose control like that and it scared him.
“Keegan…”
“Leave me alone!” Keegan shouted. He covered his face with his hands.
Scott ached with the need to fix whatever was wrong. But Keegan obviously wouldn’t accept his help now.
“Okay,” Scott said reluctantly. “But I’m not letting this go. I’ll be at the club tonight, and every night. When you’re ready to talk, you know where to find me.”
Keegan didn’t answer. Scott sighed, stood and started looking for his clothes. While he dressed, Keegan sat there on the floor, face still buried in his hands. Clothes on and hand on the doorknob, Scott turned to look at Keegan again. He hadn’t moved.
“I really did mean it, you know,” Scott told him. “When you’re ready, I’ll be here.”
No response. He hadn’t expected one. Taking a deep breath, Scott opened the door and left Keegan’s apartment. It was the hardest thing he’d ever done.
* * *
Scott didn’t see Keegan at the club that night. By the time he left Ganymede’s Grotto the next night, Keegan still hadn’t shown up and Scott was frantic with worry. The only thing that kept him from busting down Keegan’s door to make sure he was all right was Earl, who was concerned but not overly worried.
“Keegan’s a very private person, believe it or not,” Earl said when Scott finally approached him Tuesday evening and told him a heavily edited version of events. “He just needs some time on his own, to think things over.”
They were sitting at a small table in the corner, talking over Irish coffee. Earl was easy to talk to, Scott found. Though clearly curious about what precisely Scott had said to upset Keegan, he didn’t push, and he seemed confident that Keegan would get over it in time.
“But he hasn’t even left his apartment.” Scott thought about it and realized he didn’t actually know that. “Or at least he hasn’t come to work the last two nights that I’ve seen. I just want to know if he’s okay.”
Earl patted his hand. “He’ll be fine, honey, never fear. I went to check on him Sunday night when he called in sick, since he’s never done that before. He was terribly upset still, but he’s working through it.”
Scott nodded unhappily. “Did he tell you anything about what happened?”
“Nothing at all.” Earl sighed. “I’ve gotten much more from you, actually.”
Scott stared at the tabletop, tracing a swirl of purple paint with one fingertip. “I told him I’m in love with him. He, um…wasn’t happy about it.”
Silence. Scott glanced up again. Earl was studying him with a keen eye, one hand stroking his lavender tie. He gave Scott a reassuring smile.
“That explains a lot,” Earl said.
“Why?” Scott leaned forward across the table. “Why would that upset him so much? Even if he doesn’t feel the same…” He stopped. The thought that he may have lost Keegan already hurt something deep and vital inside him.
Earl took his hand and squeezed. “It’s not my story to tell, Scott. Suffice to say, our boy has had a rough life, with far too little love in it. Eight years ago, when I first met him, he probably would’ve kicked your ass and thrown you down the stairs. He handles it better these days, but it’s still difficult for him to accept real affection from others. He hasn’t let anyone close enough to love him in a long, long time.”
Scott’s throat went tight. “What can I do?”
Earl regarded him with a keen blue gaze. “How late can you stay out on a work night?”
“Actually, I already took tomorrow off. I was kind of hoping, you know…” He trailed off, feeling foolish. He’d asked off for Valentine’s Day and the day after a couple of weeks previously, telling himself it was for Logan. He knew now even then he’d harbored a vague hope of spending that time in Keegan’s bed.
“Say no more.” Earl grinned. “Do you know where Café Noctem is?”
“That all-night coffee shop? Sure.”
“Be there at one a.m. Keegan will meet you there, and you can talk.”
Scott’s eyebrows shot up. “How do you know he’ll agree to meet me?”
“He will,” Earl promised, looking smug. He stood. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.”
“Okay.” Scott gave Earl a wan smile. “Thanks.”
“Any time, hon.”
Earl patted Scott’s shoulder and waltzed off into the crowd, already calling to one of the waitstaff. Scott sat there, sipping his coffee and gathering his courage. By the time he left to go back to his hotel room and get ready to meet Keegan, he thought he was ready to hear whatever Keegan would tell him.
Chapter Six
Earl was back, knocking on his door. Keegan pulled the pillow over his head.
“I’m fine, Earl, go away!” he shouted.
“I’m sure you are,” Earl called back, the sarcasm coming through loud and clear, “but Scott is not.”
Scott. A bubble of misery rose in Keegan’s chest. “I’m sorry,” he said, almost to himself.
“Keegan Matthew Rourke,” Earl growled, “let me in right this minute.”
Keegan threw the pillow on the floor and glared toward the sound of Earl’s voice. He knew how stubborn Earl could be when he was on a mission. The man would stand there yelling all night if he had to. Sighing, Keegan got up, stomped over to the door and threw it open.
“What?” he barked.
Earl arched an elegant eyebrow at him. “You have company, love, you could at least put on clothes.”
“I didn’t ask you to come here,” Keegan snapped, slamming the door shut and shuffling back to the bed. “If it bugs you to see me naked, don’t fucking look.”
“My goodness, aren’t we in a nasty mood,” Earl commented mildly, taking a seat in one of the wobbly plastic chairs in Keegan’s tiny kitchenette. “Fine, lie there in your birthday suit and sulk if you must, but you”—he pointed a stern finger at Keegan—“are going to damn well listen to me.”
“Whatever,” Keegan muttered. He knew he was acting childish, but he couldn’t seem to stop. It helped to know that Earl would understand why he was being so sulky, and not hold it against him.
“Scott came to talk to me tonight,” Earl said. “He told me what happened.”
“Well that’s just fucking great,” Keegan grumbled, blushing in spite of himself.
Earl leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees, his expression earnest. “Honey, I know how difficult it is for you to accept what he wants to give you. But don’t you think it’s time to try?”
“What if it happens again?” Keegan asked, eyes fixed on the ceiling. “I couldn’t handle it, Earl. I just couldn’
t.”
Walking over to Keegan’s bed, Earl sat on the edge and took Keegan’s hand in both of his. “Scott isn’t Tony. Most men aren’t, thank God.”
“I know,” Keegan whispered. “It’s just hard, you know?”
Hard not to see Tony’s face when he’d held Keegan close and told him he’d love him forever, that he’d take care of him and never hurt him. Hard not to see the contempt twisting that same face a few short weeks later, when he’d left Keegan nude on a street corner, confused and sobbing and too weak to walk. So fucking hard to ever believe in love again after that.
“It’s been eight years, sweetheart,” Earl said gently. “Let it go. Let Scott give you the kind of love you deserve. And let yourself give it in return.”
Keegan didn’t bother to tell Earl he didn’t love Scott. Earl could always smell a lie a mile away.
Keegan laced his fingers through Earl’s. “I was awful to him. He won’t want me anymore.”
Earl chuckled. “You’re dreadfully mistaken about that. He’s beside himself with worry, and he definitely still wants you.”
“So what now?” Keegan turned to meet Earl’s gaze. “I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what to do.”
Earl smiled, leaned down and planted a kiss on Keegan’s forehead. “I told Scott you’d meet him at one a.m. at Café Noctem. Go tell him the whole story, right from the beginning. He’ll understand. And what’s more, I believe he can help you learn to let the past go.”
Cold fear churned in Keegan’s guts. Starting his first real romantic relationship at age twenty-nine-and-a-half was one thing. Telling Scott the sordid story of his life—which he’d never told anyone other than Earl—was another thing entirely.
Scott loves you, a hopeful little voice whispered in his head. You’re safe with him.
Deep inside, he knew it was true.
“Okay,” Keegan said, his voice only wavering a little. “I’ll go. I’ll tell him.”
Earl smiled. “You’re doing the right thing, hon.”
“I know.” Moved by a sudden surge of affection for the first human being to ever care for him, Keegan sat up and flung his arms around Earl’s neck. “Thanks for being so good to me, Earl. I love you.”
“Love you too, son,” Earl answered in a choked voice, rubbing Keegan’s back. His eyes glittered wetly when he pulled away. “Now go get cleaned up, you smell. And for God’s sake, put on clothes.”
Keegan laughed. “Yeah, yeah. Go on back downstairs, before somebody misses you.”
“Yes, I know, the place is in danger of falling apart if I’m gone for five minutes.” Earl patted Keegan’s knee, stood and started toward the door. He turned and gave Keegan a wide grin. “Good luck. I’ll expect full details tomorrow, of course.”
“Of course,” Keegan agreed. “Bye.”
Earl blew him a kiss and breezed out the door.
Keegan lay there for a while longer, trying to gather enough nerve to actually do what he’d promised Earl he’d do. He’d never laid himself bare the way he was about to tonight, and it terrified him.
“Scott loves you,” he repeated aloud. “You’re safe with him. He won’t hurt you like Tony did.”
Keegan kept saying it, over and over again until he believed strongly enough to overcome the fear that blazed through his mind and made his body shake. He hauled himself out of bed and into the shower, hoping he could hold himself together long enough to apologize to Scott, and to make him understand.
He refused to consider what might happen if Scott didn’t understand after all. One hurdle at a time.
* * *
Keegan walked into Café Noctem at five after one. The place was packed with the usual up-all-night crowd, huddled around the little round tables singly or in groups, talking or reading or writing over lattes and double espressos. A Billie Holliday tune played in the background. Something more raucous and bass-heavy thumped up through the floor from the basement below, punctuated by bursts of laughter.
A group of college-age kids in togas came running up the stairs from the basement, made their way across the room and disappeared through the door into the night. Oh yeah, it’s their Celebration de la Vie party. I’d forgotten. Keegan smiled, thinking that explained the hordes of costumed revelers in the streets.
Walking a little further into the room, Keegan scanned the faces around him. Scott was nowhere to be seen. Keegan’s stomach dropped into his feet.
A hand on his shoulder made him jump. He whirled around, startled, and came face-to-chest with Scott, who had evidently been sitting at a table in the corner near the door.
“Fuck, you scared me,” Keegan said weakly. He looked up into Scott’s eyes. “Um. Hi.”
Scott stared at him with worry written all over his face. “Are you all right?”
“I am now.” Keegan twisted his hands together, wishing his heart would settle down and stop galloping like a prize thoroughbred. “I, uh, I’m gonna go get a coffee, you want anything?”
“I’ve got mine already.”
“’Kay. Um, I’ll be right back.”
Keegan turned and headed for the counter to place his order. A couple of minutes later he started back toward the table carrying a huge mug of the featured dark roast. He made it the whole way without sloshing coffee on himself, in spite of his trembling hands.
Keegan set the mug on the table, avoiding Scott’s eyes. Now that he was actually here, he had no idea how to begin. Scott saved him by speaking first.
“I’m sorry, Keegan.” Scott reached a hand across the table, bit his lip and pulled it back. “I didn’t mean to upset you like I did.”
Surprised, Keegan looked up at Scott. His dark eyes were sorrowful. Keegan took Scott’s hand in his. “We both know that I’m the one who ought to be apologizing here, not you.”
“Don’t apologize to me,” Scott said, weaving his fingers through Keegan’s. “Just tell me I haven’t fucked it all up.”
Keegan dropped his gaze to the tabletop. “You haven’t. I just hope I haven’t.”
Scott’s chair scraped across the floor as he moved closer. “I’m here, aren’t I?” Scott brushed a light kiss across Keegan’s forehead. “And I still… Well, you know.”
It killed Keegan to hear the hesitancy in Scott’s voice. He hooked a hand around the back of Scott’s neck, pulled him close and kissed his lips. Scott made a soft, desperate sound in the back of his throat. Keegan fought the urge to open his mouth and take the kiss deeper. It could wait. They had talking to do.
“Earl said I should tell you about my past,” Keegan said as they drew apart. “I want to. I want you to understand why I reacted like I did.”
“I’d like that.” Lifting Keegan’s hand, Scott kissed his knuckles. “But not unless you’re ready to tell me.”
Keegan gave a hollow laugh. “Scott, if I wait until I’m ready, it’ll never happen. I have to do this now, before I lose my nerve.”
Scott smiled reassuringly. “Tell me.”
Here goes. Keegan took a deep breath.
“I grew up in Charleston. My parents kicked me out when I was fifteen. Don’t ask why. I was a wild kid, always in trouble, and they never wanted me to start with. I was happy enough to leave. I felt safer on the street than I ever felt at home.”
“Jesus. What did you do?”
Keegan shrugged. “I tried getting a regular job, but I found out pretty quick that no one’ll hire a homeless high-school dropout. I was living in an abandoned building and they wouldn’t let me back in school, not that I tried all that hard.”
“Shit, Keegan,” Scott said, brows drawing together. “Please tell me you didn’t have to—”
“I never whored myself,” Keegan interrupted hotly. “Not once. I found out about the peep shows from a girl I knew who worked at one. She said there was a big demand for boys. So I went down to the place she worked and talked to the owner, Ray. He hired me on the spot.”
Scott frowned, his expression thunderous. “He hired
a fifteen-year-old kid?”
“I told him I was eighteen.”
“There’s no way he believed you,” Scott declared with an impatient gesture. “You barely look eighteen now, I can only imagine how young you must’ve looked then.”
Keegan smiled grimly. “The regulars there liked ‘em young, and Ray wasn’t about to ask questions that might cost him money. There wasn’t a performer there over nineteen. Most were seventeen or eighteen. A couple of them were even younger than me.”
Scott growled, dark eyes flashing. “Those fucking perverts that went there didn’t lay hands on you, did they? Tell me they didn’t.”
“Customers were supposed to stay in their booths and not touch the performers, but they never paid attention to the rules. The booths didn’t have glass in front, so there was nothing to stop them doing what they wanted.” Keegan stared at the table. “I knew there were worse things I could’ve done to survive, but I hated it when they touched me. I kept telling them they weren’t supposed to, but they always ignored me.”
Scott cupped Keegan’s cheek in one big hand. Keegan raised his eyes reluctantly to Scott’s face, half-afraid he’d see disgust there. Leaning forward, Scott kissed him, light and quick, and the fear inside him eased a little.
“I’m sorry,” Scott said softly. “I’d beat them all bloody for doing that to you, if I could. How long did you work there?”
“Three years, five months and sixteen days,” Keegan answered. He smiled grimly at the realization that he still remembered. “I left and went to work at a gay strip club not long after I turned eighteen. I’d been working out and practicing my act, and of course at that point I was legal. They hired me right away. It was my first legitimate job.”
“I hope it was better than the peep show.” Scott looked like he’d gladly murder all the people who’d used and abused Keegan all his life, if given half a chance. It made Keegan feel warm right to his toes.
Keegan took a sip of his coffee. It was hot and almost lethally strong, just the way he liked it. “The strip club was way better than the peep show.” He stroked the back of Scott’s hand with his thumb. “I actually enjoyed it, when the crowd was good and gave me tips instead of trying to grope me. At least security was better there. Anyone who came on stage or tried to grab me got thrown out. And all I had to do was take my clothes off.”