by Leanne Davis
Ally suddenly sat up and wiped her face with her hands almost angrily. “Why did he leave us? I don’t understand. What did we do wrong?”
“Nothing, honey. Oh, my girl, you didn’t do anything wrong. Neither of you did.” She grabbed Ally’s face and stared hard into her eyes, trying to fill Ally’s heart with her complete and utter certainty this was not their fault, but Micah’s. She held Ally’s gaze before she spoke with emphatic confidence. “You did nothing wrong. Ever. This is on him. He did this. Not you. Ever. Please, please believe and accept that.”
Ally’s lips trembled as she finally whispered, “Why doesn’t Dad love us enough to stay? Why doesn’t he love me enough?”
Tracy pulled Ally forward against her again. The lump in Tracy’s throat was too big to speak over. She could not find the words to comfort her daughter, or even soothe her broken heart. She simply cried into Ally’s hair and convulsed in tears.
That was as honest as she could be. There were no words, only deep, physical, grief and confusion and sadness.
****
And so it started. The first day passed. The second day passed. The third day passed. A week passed. Their new, terrible life kept moving forward no matter how much they tried to resist it. No matter how many tears they spilled, or angry words they hurled, nothing changed the reality. The girls skipped school the rest of the week and the next, as well as all their usual sports. But by the following week, Tracy determined it did them no good to sit at home. They were miserable at home, or at school. At least, school provided some structure and gave them a few moments to forget the neglectful emptiness that awaited them at home where their father no longer resided.
Gretchen, Tony and Olivia stayed with Tracy for a full week. Olivia understood grief. Her own father died when she was young, and the grandmother, who raised her, died less than two years ago. She was a good kid to have around. She let the girls cry and carry on at times, while at others, she took them away to do things that helped them forget for awhile. Gretchen kind of did the same for Tracy. Tony was quiet and sweet to her. He was unobtrusive, which she appreciated. He spent a lot of time going through everything in Micah’s office, and made a list of what he found that needed immediate attention. He hired a neighbor kid to take care of the yard and any outdoor chores that needed to be done. Tracy was grateful for the help, since she couldn’t find the wherewithal to concentrate on any task. She’d try, but nothing could captivate her attention. She was completely preoccupied with her grief and her kids’ grief.
On day four, one of her daughter’s friend’s parents called to confess her complete shock and offer her sympathy. She was the first of many. Although Tracy knew her interest wasn’t malicious, it would, nonetheless, travel around the small circles of town as gossip. It really was that tasty of a tidbit and especially because it was about Micah and her. They were the kind of couple that no one thought would ever divorce. Ally told her best friends, and Kylie told a couple of friends, and from there it started. Then, each day, the phone calls and emails increased. The displays of sympathy came too. Next, ready-to-heat dinners from concerned friends and neighbors started showing up on her doorstep. It was nice. And awful. No woman wants to be the pitied, pathetic, abandoned wife.
She was, however, that woman now.
Donny and Vickie laid low that week. Her mother told her Vickie was going to rehab on October sixteenth. She, Gretchen, and her mom had several long, drawn out conversations about Vickie, and Micah, and her. It was an unprecedented time for a family who preferred to completely avoid any drama or conflict. Now, their entire family was the center of two big scandals.
She heard from the people at Micah’s work. Their shock was exponential. His boss called her with a detailed description of all the evidence the police found, and the warrants out for his arrest. She had the honor of being interrogated. She surrendered everything they requested from her without a thought of refusing. Tony, however, stepped in and said no, then hired an attorney to protect her interest. Now the case was being handled through the attorney, who Tony paid the bill for. Another validation for her constant praise and gratitude to those around her.
Nobody heard a word from Micah.
She lay in their bed each night alone and stared at the ceiling. She couldn’t sleep anymore. She watched the night countdown to morning. When she did sleep, it was fitful and filled with awful dreams that symbolized the anxiety of her life, and impeded any actual rest. She cried silently in her bed every night. When no one else was around. Where no else could witness it. No one could understand it. Her feelings were so volatile at first, but had now settled into a fist that remained lodged in her chest. She hurt all the time and physically ached. Her heart ached from longing, her throat ached from unshed tears, her stomach ached from raw nerves. She was sick and tired, but nothing could relieve it.
Night was the only time she cried now. Alone. Quiet. She started to embrace the grief that was now her constant companion.
The girls floundered completely, which Tracy fully expected. Both were moody and withdrawn, but in completely different ways. Ally was snarky and difficult, while Kylie completely cocooned into herself. Nothing excited her anymore. She didn’t smile. She didn’t laugh. She didn’t gush about her latest crush at school. She had nothing left inside her. It was like a blank wall had swallowed up her heart and soul.
Tracy put them both in counseling. What else could she do? The insurance, however, was now gone. She had new forms to fill out, and agreed to let her parents cover the costs. That path, however, was becoming far too familiar and well traveled.
Donny called and asked if Tracy would take Julia. She pressed her fingers into the phone to keep from flinging it across the room. Damn him! Damn Vickie!
“I told you I don’t want to right now.”
“Please?” was all Donny said. He didn’t continue to talk. He didn’t guilt trip her. He just asked in a soft, gentle tone.
“What’s happening today?”
“Gayle’s coming with us. We’ll check Vickie into rehab first thing in the morning. And then I guess I go to work. It seems strange to drop her there and leave.”
“You know, I’m supposed to have class.” Tracy hadn’t been to class since Micah left. She hadn’t really done anything, except the laundry. She did a few loads when they ran out of clean underwear. They ate whatever meals she could make from a box or were frozen. She did the dishes sporadically. She hadn’t dusted, vacuumed or scrubbed anything since Micah left.
She knew she had to get herself together. There was too much stuff to do. And she needed to get a job. She needed to start tending to herself and her kids and this new life of theirs. But instead, she did nothing.
“How is she?” Tracy wished it was happening any other time. She would be there, full front and center for her little sister. It’s just that there was so much in her own life for once, she couldn’t muster any concern for her sister. That was sad, considering it was the first real challenge her sister had to deal with.
“She’s okay. She doesn’t want to do this. But she’s doing it.”
“Alcoholic. I still can’t believe it.”
“Yeah, well, I still can’t believe Micah did what he did. To me. And to you.”
To him. She felt an inner sigh stirring her soul. There was no end to it. “Okay. Drop her here.”
Instead of relief, he was quiet. Then, “Thank you. You are…”
“So freaking wonderful my husband ran off and created another identity. Just drop her off.”
“Yeah, well, my spouse finds me so wonderful, in response to my request, she could do something while I was at work, she turned most of my white work shirts pink.”
“She did not.”
“Oh, she so did. She has a hellacious temper. I could tell you stories…”
“I don’t think I can listen. She’s my sister, so I have to take her side.”
He laughed. “Good luck with that.”
Donny showed up half an hour
later. His expression was contrite as he handed over Julia and her things. He kissed the top of her head. She couldn’t fault him for the love, attention, and care he showed his daughter. He looked almost as exhausted as she felt. They both seemed to age a decade in the last few weeks. He didn’t smile like he used to. His expression was stern and his mouth tight with his jaw locked.
“Five?”
“Yeah. I’ll try to get here by then.”
“Five, Donny. I have a lot to do now with my own kids. There’s no one to take up my slack.”
He nodded. “Why don’t I?”
“Why don’t you… what?”
“If you let me work until six, I’ll grab dinner and bring it by. Then I can help you for awhile. Dishes. Homework. Whatever you need. That way, I’d be paying you back a little. What do you say? It’s not like I want to go home and sit in my quiet, empty house.”
“You miss her already?”
“I already missed having a normal house to come home to, period. I feel so guilty, I’ll take any distraction.”
“Even me?”
He grinned. “Even you.”
She shrugged. She didn’t care what she did anyway. Each day came and went, no matter how little she cared. Or what she did. “Fine. I’ll see you at six.”
And so began the next strange phase in her life. She and Julia were together all day long, since her own kids got home after three. She wondered sometimes, how she became, once again, a stay-at-home mom. It was not what she wanted to do; but it was better, she supposed, than doing nothing.
Donny soon started bringing home restaurant takeout or fast food each night. She should have started cooking. Eating out cost a lot more, and it was less healthy. But still, she let him. He came every night and they all ate at the bar, or in front of the TV. There was no formal sit down dinner, or a set table each night, like they had with Micah. They grabbed whatever they wanted to eat, with whatever drink they wanted. They didn’t bother with any niceties. They just ate. The girls talked sometimes. Other times, they didn’t. Donny felt comfortable because he wasn’t really a guest or company. He didn’t expect anything out of Tracy, and neither did she from him. They often ate in silence, or talked to the girls, or simply watched the news. They never inquired how each other’s day was. And they didn’t talk about the family. They didn’t even talk about Micah. They didn’t talk about Vickie either. They talked about Kylie and Ally; Julia was always a distraction. That ended their conversation. But each evening, they didn’t eat completely alone.
And it was better than anything else. For both of them.
****
The first fast pitch game for Ally since her dad left was scheduled for the coming Saturday. It was also the first time Tracy had to venture out in public, beyond everyday errands, since Micah left. Over the course of that time, she had about twenty conversations with various people she encountered, from Ally’s science teacher, to the grocery clerk, whom she often chatted with on and off for ten years. Everyone called to offer sympathy. More food appeared also, as if to nourish the grieving widow and children. Most asked how she was doing in subdued, quiet, and very unsure voices. No one knew what to say to her.
So today, she had to go out. She wasn’t sure how to do that. This group of team parents had been formed for three years since the team’s foundation. The team played almost year round, so it was a tightly knit group. Now, however, they surely must have known her husband was a fugitive from the law.
She finally decided to put makeup on. It had been four weeks since the last time. Four weeks since she got up to go to her school, wearing makeup, jeans and a sweater. Since Micah kissed her cheek and left for work as she made her kids’ lunches. That was the last day they hustled around the house to get ready for their day. That was also the last day she felt like she’d ever been normal.
She needed to make a public appearance without looking like the pathetic, sad, mass of raw emotions, and drudgingly incapable woman she embodied during the last few weeks. The kids were despondent. She was depressed. There was nothing happy inside their house except maybe, Julia, because she was too young to know better. Too young to clue in on the social cues that everyone around her was miserable.
But today, Tracy didn’t want to be judged. She wanted to appear strong and capable as though she were handling things well. She wanted to look the complete opposite of what she felt. She wasn’t sure even why this newfound spark of pride suddenly showed up now. Then again, she saw no one but her family and Donny since it happened. Even her kids were in school. She quit going to her bookkeeping program completely and finally made the call to withdraw from the class. It wasn’t working. Not now. Her next move, however, she couldn’t yet comprehend.
She smiled when she entered the kitchen and tried to regain the sane, normal, functioning mother image she used to have for her younger daughter, who was munching on bananas and yogurt.
“Mom! You look so pretty,” Kylie said. Her happiness pierced Tracy’s heart with guilt. Her younger, more fragile daughter looked positively relieved to see her looking how she used to. Clad in mere jeans and a sweatshirt, at least her hair was brushed and the makeup faintly camouflaged the dark rings from sleeplessness on her pale, drawn visage. Kylie stood up and hugged her tightly. Tracy rested her chin on her younger girl. Damn, she needed to do a better job and move past this.
She nudged Kylie with her toe. “Thank you, honey. You about ready? Where’s Ally?”
“Right here. Did you bother to wash my lucky socks?” Ally grumbled as she came shuffling in behind them. She was dressed in her team uniform and her hair was pulled up under the ball cap. She held her mitt and water bottle loosely in her hands.
The rude, demanding tone often edged Ally’s words of late, but since Micah left, it was all she used. “You will not talk to me like that regardless of what happened.”
Both girls froze and lifted their faces to hers, their shock apparent. She held their surprised gazes. “Okay, I’ve been a little out of it. But quit taking advantage of it, Ally. Talk to me with respect, or don’t bother talking to me at all; got it?”
Ally’s nod was fast and almost eager. Her heart shifted. All they wanted was her attention and care, the way she used to be. They even enjoyed her scolding and rules. They just wanted Tracy to act like the mother she used to be. They wanted everything to return to normal. Even though it couldn’t. She had to do a better job. She should not have been able to shock two girls by simply scolding them in a rude tone.
“And yes, I washed your socks. They’re on the dryer.”
Ally smiled and quickly passed by her without another complaint. Tracy stood there and finally smiled. This morning she was mothering them again. Just how she used to. It was a small step, but it was a start.
****
When they showed up at the game, there was a brief series of stares and people nudging one another at seeing them. Still, there was no outright pointing, and no one blatantly tried to corner them. There were a few polite inquiries about her health that were asked by parents Tracy frequently talked to. She smiled and said the requisite “fine.” She was unprepared to say anymore. For the first time since Micah left, she forgot about him. It only lasted for the final three innings of Ally’s game because the score was tied. For each play, the crowd and team held their breaths to see who would pull ahead. Still, for three blessed innings, Tracy wasn’t sad or mad or depressed, but cheering and hollering with the others around her, like she belonged. She temporarily returned to the present. And wasn’t lost inside her head. She was really getting tired of being cooped up in her own head. Kylie went off to talk to some of the siblings of other players. And for a few minutes, she felt normal. Micah didn’t make every game. So this dynamic was not so weird.
Just as the last inning was finishing up, a hand touched her shoulder. She jumped half a foot, or so it felt, and turned with her stomach in knots. She wondered who would now give her the sad-faced sympathy. Instead, a huge smile brightened her f
ace.
“Donny. What are you doing here?”
“Your mom mentioned Ally had a game when she came by earlier to see Julia. She took Julia for the afternoon, so I decided to come see Ally play. I figured it might be a hard game. So here I am.”
She held her hands rigidly at her sides to keep from throwing her arms around him. “Everything is hard. But yes, all firsts are the worst.”
Tracy scooted over as he slid onto the cold, metal bleacher. She caught his eye the first time he let out a “Go, Ally! Bring it home!” when Ally came up to bat. He cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled out a deep, manly cheer that was loud and nothing she could have replicated. Smiling her appreciation, she nudged his shoulder with hers.
As the game finally came to an end, Ally’s team won. The girls gleefully circled each other in the dugout, screaming, before they crossed the field to give high fives to the opposing team. Ally’s smile was real and bright. It was the first time Tracy had seen her smile since her father left.
Kylie spotted Donny and came over timidly. She stopped short of reaching him, but he grabbed her in a feigned headlock and rubbed her hair with his knuckles, making her shriek about messing it up. That was the loudest and the most playful Tracy had heard or seen Kylie since this all started.
“Should we go get some ice cream or something? A win deserves something.”
“It’s four o’clock. It’ll ruin dinner.”
Donny grinned. “Don’t be such a mom. They don’t care, right, girls?”
They both giggled and smiled. For that, Tracy decided Donny was worth having around even if he were a nuisance at times with Julia and babysitting.
After the ice cream, Tracy stopped Donny beside his car. “Thank you. I know what you did here.”
He shrugged, his expression, formerly happy and cheerful around the girls, dimmed. “Yeah, well, it’s not their fault, and still not forgotten by me.”
“I hope it gets easier.”
“It can’t get any harder, right?”