by Leanne Davis
“Yeah. Pretty much. Do you see any other choice? She can’t do it. But she is Julia’s mother. So as long as Julia can at least know her and try to understand her, maybe it will minimize the ultimate damage done to her. Don’t you think I know what I’ve done to my daughter? I know, Tracy. You don’t have to relive it for me. I know what kind of mess I brought my kid into. But she’s here; and I wouldn’t undo it for anything. So if I have to put up with my ex-wife coming and going out of nowhere… well, I can, as long as it reduces the damage to Julia.”
“And where did you ever think this could fit into that? Vickie will never accept that, as she should not. I would not. Turn the tables: what if Tony slept with her?”
He laughed. “Tony is more likely to murder her first. I think we both know the politics around all this. It isn’t easy. For any of us. I get that. But if we’re not going to deal with all this, why did you come in here last night? What were your true intentions?”
“Because…” She wanted to blurt out she was horny. She was unhappy. She was lonely. He was there. He was easy. He was hot. But her true answer was none of those. She came in there because some emotional pull towards him seemed to physically draw her to his presence. Because he made her feel better than she had in a long time. Because she was lonely, and he made her forget her solitude. He was her best friend. He was someone she wanted to look at every single day. He was someone she wanted to talk to, listen to, and make love to.
But the thought of starting a new relationship with anyone scared her. She felt all of these things before and then, twelve years later, she was a decimated mess in an empty bed.
And Micah wasn’t even married to her sister.
He turned so they were face to face, body to body. His hands came up to her back and starting kneading it. The anxiety started to waffle away. His hands pressed as if he knew exactly where her tension lay, and he drew the stress into his fingertips before releasing it from her skin. She groaned at how good it felt. How long had it been since she felt connected to another human? Or cherished? Or loved?
“I can’t talk about it yet.”
He smiled as he kissed her face. “Take all the time you need to get comfortable with it.”
“You mean, in secret, right?”
“Yes. If that’s what it takes for you. But I’m not listening to how wrong or bad it is anymore. I have enough shit in my life to feel bad about. Julia growing up motherless. Losing most of my money. Still being in debt up to my damn eyeballs, and that’s before your sister demolishes me in court.”
“Oh my God. This could totally give her complete dominance over you. You can’t go to court saying you’re sleeping with her sister. She’ll take everything you’ve got.”
He shrugged his big shoulders and kneaded harder into her, yet again, tense muscles. “I’m not going to hide it for that reason. She doesn’t have much to stand on with the alcoholism and history of neglect for her daughter.”
“But…”
“But nothing. Between you and me, we are not wrong, or bad, or committing sins. We are just in love, Tracy. Unless you try to tell me you did this, despite every moral you hold so dear and clearly cherish, just for a quick lay? A good time? I don’t, not for a second, believe you even though you try and tell me that. I knew the moment you got into my bed that you were in love with me. You wouldn’t risk that unless it was for a really strong reason. A reason like: you being in love with me as much as I am with you. Am I wrong?”
Tracy took a deep breath. Answering him could change everything. If she denied what he said, it would cheapen what they shared, which was a deep, abiding love and friendship. What they shared was clean, refined and beautiful. And even if no one else saw that, between them, it was so. “You’re not wrong. But maybe I’m not right. I just told you last night, I sometimes still want Micah. I sometimes still have feelings for him that come to me out of nowhere. I’m still grieving the loss of my former life. So how can I end up knowing for sure if I love you?”
He lifted a hand and ran it through her hair. “It won’t end up being wrong; you’ll see. We’ll find a way to make this real without destroying everything between us, or losing the trust of those around us. And Micah? I don’t care. You can feel however you need to feel. I was there. I know your relationship was a lot more than mine. I’m willing to let you do whatever you need to do about it.”
She shivered at his words. She wasn’t half as convinced as he was.
They stayed in bed the rest of the afternoon and made love. Each time was different. It was slow and long and sweet. Then it was hot and fiery and fast. It was deep and earth-shattering the next. It was… everything. Everything she formerly was missing, needing and wanting.
By the time everyone returned, Donny and Tracy were showered and re-dressed. She wore the hideous, anti-sex outfit. Her skin flushed red as she felt his gaze often landing on her. Instead of being ugly, the outfit had somehow become a secret joke between them. They would catch each other’s eye, and he’d dip his head towards her, pretending to check her out. It made her laugh each and every time, like a teenager on her first date.
Her parents never caught on, or picked up on the signals that seemed to be causing actual sparks to shoot off between Donny and her. Instead of nearly feeling sick at the thought of seeing him that morning, now she couldn’t stop staring at him. She had to restrain herself from watching him with big, love-sick eyes. She had to dim her happy smile and tried to concentrate on what her kids said to her about their day. She had to lie on the floor across from Donny as they both played with Julia and avoid touching him, even though the urge to do so was almost tangible.
By the time everyone went to bed, and Tracy had paced her bedroom floor nearly raw, she saw her opportunity to sneak into his room. She felt like a naughty kid, suddenly set free from her parents’ tight rein. Nearly bursting into his room, she had to slap a hand over her mouth to keep the laugh of glee from being heard.
For the rest of the week, she was young and stupid and free again. She was falling in love like a teenager, but with the wisdom of an adult. She fell in love with the same single-mindedness usually reserved for teens. She knew there were monumental risks and inherent failures. There would be hurt feelings and plenty of recriminations. But somehow, it all slipped away when their eyes met and he smiled a small, secret smile at her. His eyes ran over the length of her with visible adoration that soon had her blushing.
Donny was so convincing in his feelings towards her, his whispered longing, and confessed desires to have her and her body, all of her, that she quickly ceased comparing herself to her sister anymore. Or wondering how he could leave Vickie for her. The way he presented it, there was no comparison. None at all.
And no one grew the wiser. She sneaked into his room at night, and during the day, they simply behaved as they had for many months. It was pretty clear even then that she and Donny were already half a couple before any sex entered the equation. She still tended Julia while he messed around, teasing her girls. He was either serious with them or teasing. She was good at comforting Julia as she always had been.
On the second to the last day of their two-week vacation, Tracy looked up after hearing a soft knock on the front door, and there stood Vickie.
Chapter Twenty-One
VICKIE SMILED AS SHE entered the room and Tracy jumped to her feet with Julia hanging on her hip. It was five in the afternoon and everyone had just come in from the beach. Sun streamed through the windows and the happy family was sitting around, enjoying the pleasant breeze and soft sounds of the sound. Ally was listening to music and Kylie played games on Tracy’s phone.
Her parents turned at Vickie’s entrance. Gayle squealed, “Vickie!” Standing up, her dad quickly strode towards her. She hugged him warmly while meeting Tracy’s gaze with a smile. Tracy’s open mouth of shock revealed her disbelief that Vickie was actually there. Tracy lifted her stricken gaze to Donny. But he did not appear stricken, or even concerned. He held her gaze and t
ilted his head. His eyes stayed on her as if to say look at me. Stay steady. Everything will be okay.
However, Vickie stepped between them and swiftly interrupted their connection. She threw her arms around Tracy and Julia at the same time, while glimpsing Donny over her sister’s shoulder.
“Tracy! Oh, let me have her. She’s grown inches, I swear. And all this gorgeous hair.”
Julia smiled and cooed, lifting her chubby hands to grab Vickie’s long, blond locks.
Donny stepped closer and his hand touched her arm. “What are you doing here?” His tone was gentle, caring, and concerned. Vickie was supposed to still be in rehab.
She turned and Tracy couldn’t see her eyes, as she replied, “I have a new plan. Don’t worry. We’ll talk about it later.” Then she tilted her head casually and walked towards Ally and Kylie.
A new plan? What? Tracy’s heart started pumping in painful thumps. What if she wanted Donny back? What if her new plan was becoming a happy family together? Shame singed her skin to reddish pink. She deserved it. Her second broken heart in a year, so of course, she deserved it.
Vickie held Julia, who captured both her parents’ rapt attention and Donny stood close by while Julia jabbered to him. He nodded and patted her head, coming closer to Vickie.
Tracy felt dizzy standing there. Her sister’s family was a pretty picture and she grew sticky from the sudden sensation of sweat rolling off her. What did she expect? She and Donny would just go off together and happily raise their three children as a family? As if it didn’t ruin other lives around them? As if it weren’t so totally taboo? As if they somehow deserved that?
She started to quietly slip out the through the kitchen when a voice stopped her dead.
Holy shit. Gretchen was here.
****
Tony and Gretchen were coming in through the back door. Olivia rushed past them with a quick “Hi, Auntie” as she flew by Tracy. Then she squealed with joy at seeing Ally and Kylie. The three of them ran down the hall without another thought to the adults or Julia. Tony started chuckling as she ran past him. He was holding a bag.
He leaned down and kissed Tracy’s cheek in a rather impersonal greeting. That was because he couldn’t shake her hand or hug her with his one arm already occupied. It was exactly how a brother-in-law should have properly said hello to her. Tracy shifted uncomfortably with the knowledge of how inappropriately she greeted her other brother-in-law. She was nearly reeling under the weight of her crime against her sister. The presence of both sisters suddenly crashed through the pleasure bubble she and Donny constructed for themselves this week. She had no idea why her sisters came there, especially with no previous notice. But now that they were there, it became abundantly clear how wrong Tracy’s actions were.
Gretchen was standing behind Tony, and grinning a toothpaste commercial-worthy smile. Towering over Tracy, Gretchen quickly enveloped her in a hug. She gave her arms a special squeeze. The private bond they always shared included their understanding about Vickie. And their parents. And life in general; but that all suddenly seemed fractured to Tracy. No one else fully understood what it was like to have Vickie for a sister. Maybe Donny. He understood. But Gretchen accepted and tolerated the love/hate attraction to Vickie, and the need to care for her, as well as show disdain to her. It was so unfair how Vickie became the favored child of their parents. It’s not like she or Gretchen could claim bad parenting or neglect, however. Not compared to so many others, but both sisters were hurt by it. And there was no denying it. Gretchen and Tracy, in their own ways, did everything right; and the daughter who did it all wrong became the one their parents revered. Who knew why?
Tracy’s stomach began to cramp all over again. She feared Gretchen would hate her for what she’d done. She could barely find the strength to smile at Gretchen in greeting. Her smile seemed fragile, and barely able to stay put. All she could think about was the terrible sin she committed.
Moving purely by rote, Tracy followed everyone into the living room for more heartfelt hugs, polite kisses and happy smiles. She watched Vickie and Gretchen embracing, and her knees started to shake as her mouth suddenly felt dry.
Her mother was smiling like a young girl. “What are you all doing here? I thought you couldn’t get the time off. I can’t believe you’re here,” her mother exclaimed gleefully.
Gretchen was tickling Julia before hijacking her from Vickie. She glanced up long enough to grin. “When Vickie called, we decided we should be here.”
Vickie called? What was she doing here? Obviously, she was not in rehab. Did she relapse again and just give up? What?
Tony glanced around before he touched Gretchen’s shoulder. “I think more of an explanation is needed. Ladies, why don’t you elaborate?” He nodded towards Vickie.
Vickie dropped her gaze and shrugged her shoulder. “All right. Here it goes. So, I uh, called them. I asked them if I could stay with them for awhile.”
“What? Why in the hell would you do that?” Donny asked. She finally looked at him. He was tucked into the corner, standing out of the way, and off to the side. He felt unsure where he fit in. Just like Tracy did. The crazy part was: they fit perfectly with each other.
“Donny. Let her explain. We’re thrilled she’s here.” Gayle scowled at him.
“No, Gayle, we’re not. It means she left rehab early.” Donny stood with his hands on his hips and his arms straight out. His face was a menacing scowl. Tracy wanted to lean over and run her hand down his arm and clasp his hand. His big hand that would envelop her. Then he’d glance down at her and his expression would soften and lighten. That sweet, half smile would stretch one side of his mouth up.
No. Damn. She was not there to comfort Donny. She turned her attention back to her family. Her parents. Her sister. Her brothers-in-law.
“I did,” Vickie said, darting a glare at Donny. Tracy tried to ignore her jealousy and insecurity, and simply objectively judge what she saw, which was two people glaring at each other, and very much at odds.
“This is not what we agreed on.”
The agreement being… their strange arrangement? Although any man who could put his pride aside and let Vickie do whatever she wanted in order to obtain a few scraps of attention for his daughter, certainly had character.
“I know. I left because I just think it isn’t what I need. I have all the information. I need to learn how to live in real life. I need—”
“You don’t need anymore excuses. You need to do this, Vickie.”
“Donny, you don’t know what’s right for her,” Gayle interrupted. “You are so quick to toss her into rehab. Maybe she just needs some extra love and help at home.”
“Oh my God.” Tracy jerked to attention when all eyes turned her way. She didn’t mean to say that out loud. But another pity party for Vickie? She could not listen to it again.
“She’s an alcoholic, Mom. Alcoholics can’t stop drinking. What part don’t you understand?”
“How come you can’t show any more compassion towards her?”
Tracy never disobeyed or sassed her parents. Not in all these years, and after all the stunts her sister did. Tracy never once questioned her parents’ wisdom or authority. It made her stomach feel jittery as she did so now.
“I do. But your constant excuses for her makes her think she never has to do anything hard. She doesn’t have to commit, or stay with anything. She doesn’t have to—”
Vickie whirled around on her. “At least, I don’t go after my sister’s husband. Shall we talk about being faithful and committed? I am. You can’t say that anymore, now can you, Saint Tracy? You fooled everyone into thinking how wonderful you are, huh? But why did Micah leave? Never knew a dude to go to the extreme of creating a new identity just to leave his wife. Pretty extreme measures, huh?”
“Vickie!” Gretchen admonished her before anyone else could talk. Tracy stepped back as her face drained of color. Her mouth twisted. Vickie was staring hard into her eyes. She knew. The panic she felt
bolted up her spine. Somehow, Vickie knew things had advanced with her and Donny. Tracy glanced around with panicked eyes. Vickie knew! She kept chanting over and over in her brain. What could she do with that knowledge?
“At least, I never fucked my sister’s husband. I do a lot of things wrong. And I might be an alcoholic, but even I never did that. Not like you. Not like Saint Tracy.”
The entire room became deathly silent. Tracy was caught in a stare down with Vickie, and could not react suddenly. She could not look around. The room started to spin before her eyes. This should not have happened. It wasn’t real. She didn’t do this. No. No way. She was not this kind of person.
Her stricken gaze traveled from Vickie to Gretchen to her mother. They all had horrified expressions: rounded eyes and gaping mouths. The shocked looks and ensuing deep silence emphasized how deeply offended they were.
Donny suddenly snorted, “As if you even care.”
His odd, almost casual, statement soon had the entire room looking at him. He sighed and dropped his hands to his side as he strode across the room. Taking Vickie’s arm, he shook her gently. “Why don’t you start this over? Tell us why you left rehab. Tell us what Gretchen and Tony have to do with this. And for God’s sake, why don’t you admit that you and I ended our relationship months ago? And that you don’t really care about me and Tracy?”
Vickie threw her head back with a mean laugh. “Well, I do care.”
“You’re just being a bitch about it because she questioned why you came here.”
Vickie chewed on her lip, but finally smiled. “You always did cut through my bullshit fast. I never really thought you’d get her do it. I’m shocked, actually. How did you manage it?”
“You knew?” The question came from their mother in a high, almost squealing voice. She blasted Tracy with a glare so menacing and full of anger, disappointment and disgust that Tracy wanted to fall on her knees and beg forgiveness. “How could you?”