Understanding perhaps? How could she understand how he felt? Nobody could. Not even Abby knew the full story. But she was dead. Drowned and it was all his fault. He’d only insisted on going to church because his bad dreams had frightened him.
He worked through the night, telling himself the mare needed his attention just in case her foal came early. The sun had barely risen in the sky when he heard her voice.
“Mr. Petersen, may I please speak with you?”
Brian looked up to find the young Indian girl standing in front of him. She stared back at him but her hands were shaking. She’s terrified.
“What do you want?” he said, his tone gruffer than he intended.
“Say sorry. Please do not blame your wife. It was my fault.”
“Sorcha knows how I feel. She should obey me. She is my wife.”
“Yes, she is. You are a very lucky man to have such a kind, honorable, hardworking wife. There are many braves in my tribe who would envy you.”
“One of your braves wants my wife?”
Nandita giggled. “Sorry, Mr. Petersen, for laughing. They do not want a white woman, but an Indian woman like Sorcha.”
He grunted, hoping she would take it as a dismissal. Instead, she stood there staring at him.
“What?”
“I just wonder why you hate us so much. Did my tribe do something to you, Mr. Petersen?”
“Go away. I don’t have to justify myself to you.”
“I am very sorry for the loss of your first wife and your son. I was told they died in the floods. We lost many too that winter. But we do not hate those around us. We will not come to your property again. It pains me to say this as Sorcha is a good friend. Please treat my friend as well as she deserves.”
The girl turned and walked away slowly. He sat, as his legs would have given way otherwise. He did treat Sorcha well, didn’t he? She had plenty to eat, warmth, a home and a family. Everything she wanted. Well, perhaps not everything, but as much as she could have expected given their situation. She was happy. She smiled a lot and she had friends in Clover Springs. She didn’t need any more friends did she?
Chapter 45
The barn door opened again. Surely the Indian hadn’t come back. He rose to find his daughter staring at him. He opened his arms, welcoming her for a hug but she didn’t move. Her anger hit him in waves.
“Why do you hate the Indians, Pa?”
Brian rubbed at the back of his neck. He didn’t want to have this conversation. “I don’t hate them. I just don’t want them around you. They could be dangerous.”
“Nandita wouldn’t hurt me. The rest are just children.”
“Children grow up.”
“But they never hurt us before, Pa. Why would they do something now? Has this something to do with Grandpa?”
A cold sweat covered Brian. “Who told you about Grandpa?”
“Ma showed me old pictures of him. He had his uniform on. He looked smart. It was taken before he left for the war.”
Brian stared at Jenny but it wasn’t her face he saw. It was his Ma’s. She was holding him tight, to stop him from running down the road after his Pa marched off to war. He’d thought that was the worst day of his life. He was wrong. The worst one was when Pa had come home. He turned away from Jenny.
“Pa, what’s wrong. Why are you crying?”
“Crying? I got a piece of dirt in my eye. Don’t you have chores to do?”
“Well, yes, Pa, but I thought…”
“You thought you would get out of them by talking to me. I don’t have time for lollygagging out here. Now go get those chores done and then read your bible. I haven’t seen you with the good book in your hands for some time now.
“You would if you ever came in the house.”
Brian stood still. “What did you just say?”
“Nothing, Pa.” She ran and he didn’t stop her. Where had it all gone wrong? He’d once had a happy family and now it was gone. Just like it had disappeared before.
Brian sat as the memories assailed him. His Ma’s joyful face as the man she loved came back from the war. The joy didn’t last. The man who returned may have looked like Pa but that was it. This stranger drank heavily and was bad tempered. He took the switch to his children with increasing regularity. He left only when he hit Ma. Brian had been Jenny’s age. He’d come back from school early to witness his Pa strike his Ma knocking her to the ground. He had run at his father, beating him as hard as his little fists could. “Go away, go back to the war. We don’t want you here. We don’t need you. We hate you. I wish you were dead.”
He’d gotten his wish. His Pa was found a few days later. He needed to get away, ride off his anger and frustration, before he turned into his Pa and hit his children.
Chapter 46
He slowed the horse as he neared home. “Sorry, Jackson. I guess we both had to run it out of our system.” The horse snorted but Brian was distracted by sounds coming from the house. The door opened, framing Sorcha in the light, her shawl wrapped tightly around her shoulders. He dismounted, waiting to see if she would walk toward him.
“Jenny went to bed crying. She said you were upset. She doesn’t know what she did to make you so angry.” Sorcha stared at him with such a distasteful expression on her face, he wanted to get back on the horse and gallop away.
“I’m sorry. She didn’t do anything.” Brian said softly. “Go back to the house where it’s warm.”
“I’m warm enough. What happened to make you this way? You are so kind to your animals yet you terrify your own child.”
Brian tended to his horse, playing for time. What could he say? Nothing justified upsetting his child. Sorcha stood watching him. The silence continued with only Jackson’s snorts interrupting.
“Tell me, Brian. Make me understand. I don’t think you are a cruel man. You couldn’t treat your animals the way you do if you were. You behaved like a monster. I cannot live with that person. Neither can the girls. What happened to make you like this?”
Brian continued rubbing down the horse. What could he say? Nothing justified the way he had treated Jenny, never mind Nandita and her children. He took so long thinking, Sorcha let out an exasperated sigh before turning away from him. She only took one step before he started talking.
“Ma died soon after my Pa. My aunt took me in but I wasn’t welcome. I ran as soon as I was old enough to make my own way. Headed to Denver where nobody knew me. Met Abby and we came here because she had a hankering to settle in a small town.
“I am really sorry about your Pa but that has nothing to do with Nandita and her friends.” Sorcha turned back to look at him. “They weren’t even alive then.”
“It’s in the blood, Sorcha. We can’t help ourselves.”
“Don’t you mean they?” Sorcha stared at him for a few seconds. “What do you mean it’s in the blood?”
“My Pa was at Sand Creek.”
“So what?”
“The massacre, Sorcha. Pa killed loads of Indians and not just men but mainly woman and children. That’s why he drank so much. He had to forget. He used to rave about them in his dreams. The sights he saw. He couldn’t ever forget.”
Sorcha put her arms around him as he broke down. “He said he was cursed. His whole line was cursed and he was right. Abby died because of me. Ethan too. I can’t lose anyone else.”
“The Indians didn’t kill Abby or Ethan. That was a freak accident, a tragedy. Nobody is to blame, least of all you. Your Pa was a solider. He had to live with his actions but you are not him. You were only a child yourself when Sand Creek happened, Brian. The same age as Jenny. Do you think Jenny would be responsible if you were to kill Nandita and her family?”
“But if Nandita knew, then she would tell the braves and they would hunt me and my children down. They’d kill you just as quick.”
“You don’t know that. From what I have seen, the tribe is peaceful.”
“Try telling that to the Eblers.”
“T
he Eblers were killed by dog soldiers. We don’t know if they came from the same tribe as Nandita. Indians’ are just like us Brian. They have good and bad people too. But the actions of a small minority shouldn’t mean they all suffer.” Sorcha took a deep breath. She let her arms fall to her side. He wanted to tell her to put them back. He liked the feel of her against his body. But he couldn’t speak.
“Please think about your children. They are too young to be kept away from everyone. They need friends and family around them.” Sorcha paused biting her cheek. “I would give anything for a real family. “ Sorcha’s voice quivered.
He wondered if she was thinking of her sister, the one the Nun had told her about. From what she had told him, she didn’t even know if she was real or a figment of the Mother Superior’s twisted imagination. The pain in her voice made him feel worse.
“You have a family. Jenny, Meggie and… Me.”
“Do I?”
With that, Sorcha walked away.
Chapter 47
He watched her leave. She was right. He had to make changes now or life would continue to be miserable. He killed a couple of minutes putting away some tools. He was trying to find the courage to make changes. He shook his head at his actions and walked purposely to the house.
“Something smells good. I’ve washed up.” He shook his hands, trying to make her laugh but it didn’t work. He let them fall to the side.
Sorcha looked a little ragged, as if the tension between them was getting to her too. Silence lingered as she dished up the dinner, handing him the meat to carve. He stared at it before looking quickly around him. They were alone. Putting the dish on the table, he quickly moved closer to her. Taking her gently in his arms, he watched her eyes open wide as his lips grazed hers. Smiling, he pulled her closer and deepened the kiss. A giggle from behind them ruined the moment.
“Pa is kissing Ma, Jenny. Look.” Meggie lisped giggling.
Jenny pulled her chair out loudly. Sorcha pushed him away, the palms of her hands searing through his clothes. He wished his children were anywhere but in the house. If they had been alone, he would have taken Sorcha back in his arms and explored that kiss. Frustrated, he scowled at Meggie who immediately stopped giggling.
The next morning, Brian had to go back to Denver. Cal Sutton was buying more horses and was adamant he couldn’t make the decision without Brian. He paid top dollar and although he would have preferred to stay at the house with his wife and children, he had to go.
“Sorcha, it shouldn’t be too long a trip this time.”
Sorcha nodded but didn’t turn around. Disappointed he looked to his children. “Are you going to give me a hug?”
“Do you have to go now, Pa? Sorcha and I wanted to discuss something with you.” Jenny’s eyes darted from him to Sorcha and back again.
“Can it wait?” Brian looked toward Sorcha, who seemed to be concentrating very hard on the washing up. “I really need to go now or I will miss the train.”
“It’ll keep.” Sorcha spoke but her sad voice made his leaving even harder. “Be safe.”
Brian moved to go to her but she turned back to the dishes. He stared at her back for a couple of seconds. Should he try to kiss her goodbye? He would but the children were there. He didn’t want to do anything to upset them further.
She stood, wishing he would leave but not wanting him to go. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up, waiting to see if he would kiss her goodbye. Couldn’t he see she was upset? Turn around and make it easier for him? No, then he will know I love him. I can’t. The door closing caused her to jump although he hadn’t slammed it. She kept her gaze focused on the dishes in front of her as the tears streamed down her cheeks. Would she ever feel like a proper wife?
“Shall I stay home today, Sorcha?” Jenny asked a while after Brian had left. Sorcha looked up from blacking the stove. She always cleaned when her mind was busy with something. “No, you go on, love. Have a good day. Don’t forget to take an apple and some biscuits with you. I will make bread later so you can have a sandwich tomorrow.”
“Can I take extra for Emily?”
Sorcha’s heart swelled as she looked at Jenny. She was a good girl. With some more attention from her father, she would really blossom. They would all bloom. Sorcha rubbed the stove harder. Charlie Stanton should be ashamed of himself. He made enough money but Emily never had any lunch. Jenny had confided she often shared hers with the little girl, as did Miss Freeman. “Yes love, take extra.”
Chapter 48
Jenny walked slowly off to school, leaving Meggie and Sorcha alone. Sorcha watched her stepdaughter until she disappeared over the hill. She hadn’t skipped toward town as she usually did. Her Pa’s absence must be really affecting her.
Soon it was time for Nandita to call. She had a way of telling when Brian was away. Sorcha didn’t know how her friend knew but she didn’t care. She hated being alone and if Brian didn’t know, then it couldn’t hurt him. You are deceitful and evil. Sorcha pushed Mother Superior’s voice aside. She wasn’t under the protection of the Nun anymore. Her friendship with Nandita was important to both of them. Nobody was going to take that away from her.
The day passed quite quickly. Meggie enjoyed playing with Ama and Salali. Nandita helped Sorcha with some chores before she taught the Indian how to make white man’s bread. The time passed when Jenny should have been home but there was no sign. Growing more concerned as the hours passed, Sorcha’s asked Nandita to stay with Meggie while she checked on Jenny.
“No, let me go. I will find her faster.”
Before Sorcha could say anything, Nandita jumped on her horse and was gone. Sorcha amused the children but they must have picked up on her emotions. They whined until Nandita returned, cradling Jenny in front of her.
“Sorry, Sorcha. I wasn’t feeling well. I sat down and couldn’t get back up. My legs feel funny.”
Nandita and Sorcha exchanged concerned looks over Jenny’s head. Feeling the little girl’s forehead, she couldn’t detect a fever although her skin was cold and clammy.
“Come on, love, let’s get you to bed. A good sleep will do you the world of good.”
“I gave Emily my lunch. I wasn’t hungry. She was so happy.” Jenny’s glazed eyes turned in Sorcha’s direction but it was as if she couldn’t see her.
“Good girl. Are you hungry now? I can fix you something quick.” Jenny was always starving when she came home from school.
“Maybe after I sleep.” Jenny’s eyes were closing as she almost fell onto the bed. “So tired.”
Sorcha went to get a glass of water but Jenny was fast asleep by the time she came back. Leaving the sleeping girl, she met Nandita in the kitchen.
“You sleep near Jenny tonight. I do not like color of skin. She too white.”
When once Sorcha would have laughed at Nandita’s remark, she didn’t today. Jenny did look too white. She bit her lip continuously wishing Brian was here. He would know what to do.
Chapter 49
She didn’t get much sleep as Jenny trashed about when the fever hit. She sponged her down as gently as she could. The child whimpered as if every touch was torture. Brian come home, please come home.
“How is she?” Nandita’s voice startled Sorcha. She rubbed her neck, the pain in it a welcome distraction from the sight of her stepdaughter lying in the throes of fever.
“She’s way too hot. I tried sponging her but it seems to hurt her when I touch her. What do I do now?”
Nandita reached out to touch the child’s forehead. The frown on her face grew deeper, her eyes widening with fear followed by concern.
“I go now to collect some things we use to help sick people. I wish we had the medicine man. He would know what to do.”
Nandita didn’t take long and soon had a brew mixed up.
“Eeew, that smells revolting.”
“It tastes better than it smells. I do not know the white man name for the fruit but it will help with fever. Try it.”
Sorcha hesitated. Why wasn’t Brian back? What if Jenny died?
“She has a better chance if we help her fight.” Nandita said gently as she stared down at the child. “You must try. She is getting worse.”
Sorcha couldn’t disagree. The last few hours had seen a marked deterioration. Jenny was barely conscious. When she did wake up, her speech was slurred and rambling. She took the cup and brought it to Jenny’s mouth. Holding the child up slightly so she didn’t choke, she dribbled some of the liquid into her mouth. Jenny gagged but didn’t vomit. She lay the child back on the bed. Dear Lord please. Make her better.
The next three days and nights merged into each other as the two adults worked hard looking after the girls. Meggie had fallen ill the morning after Jenny had come home from school. Nandita’s children seemed to have escaped. Going outside, Sorcha let the tears rain down her cheeks.
Why was God so cruel? He had answered her prayers for a family. Now he was taking them away. Just as she had let them all into her heart. They were dying and there was nothing she could do about it. Nandita was worried too. Her friend paced the floor, in between sponging the girls and feeding them the evil smelling drink.
“You must go for help. My medicine is not working. I will stay here.”
“I don’t want to leave them. Can you go?” Sorcha looked from the girls to Nandita and back again. She couldn’t leave them now. Not when they needed her.
“No. It is not possible for me to go to white man’s town. Your people will not listen to me. They may stop me from coming back. You have to go. Can you ride a horse?”
Sorcha couldn’t. Yet another failure.
“Little Beaver will take you on my horse. It is safe. Sit behind him.”
“But is he not in danger too?” Sorcha said as she climbed onto the horse behind the boy.
Sorcha: Clover Springs Mail Order Brides Page 11