by Teri Blake
“We’ll talk more in the car. There’s so much I know she’ll never actually tell you. She promised me, but she won’t.”
“So you really are just there to help her. I thought…” She’d hoped someone finally came along to care for Ryla, since she was all alone in that big house on the shore.
“I know, but no. Ryla and I have never been romantic. She doesn’t feel comfortable with anyone, though perhaps me more than anyone else. Only because I’ve seen her at her worst and still come back every day to check on her.”
Hospice had to be hard, especially caring for someone who had been a friend beforehand. “Thank you for that. I don’t know why she didn’t think she could reach out to anyone. I would’ve come.” Even as she said it, her mind and heart convicted her of the lie. The date to visit had been moved back many times.
Paxton gave her the side-eye but said nothing in response. He opened the trunk to a red sedan and she headed for the passenger side as he closed it. She couldn’t leave now. No question, The Cincinnati Museum of Art would do just fine without her. Ryla needed her.
“How much time?” She swallowed hard. How could this be? Her sister was younger than her by three years. Ryla wasn’t even thirty yet.
“Not long. Her doctor gave her a month after the last event. She’s living on borrowed time at this point. I was hoping you wouldn’t push your visit back anymore, but that can’t be helped now. You can’t go back in time. I should’ve gone against her wishes and contacted you anyway, but that would’ve meant digging through her phone to contact you like I did tonight. That was a safety concern, so I justified it.”
She’d pushed the date back because of other commitments, and right now she couldn’t remember a single one. Had they really only been a week ago? Had she really put her dying sister off for engagements that meant that little? Did it matter that she hadn’t known her sister way dying then? It shouldn’t have.
“If she’d gotten sick, would you have gone into her phone then? Would you have called me or our parents?” The idea that she might have lost Ryla without ever even knowing something was really wrong was a blow. Ryla used to tell her everything.
“If that had happened, yes. I don’t always get a sign when someone is going to go, but once you’ve done this for a while, you often can see a change right before.”
“Who’s with her?” She’d taken away the one nurse her sister felt comfortable with so she would have a ride. Quin wanted to just melt into the seat. What if that change happened while she’d selfishly asked Paxton to drive her?
“Her other nurse. We take her care in shifts. No one can be with her twenty-four hours a day.”
Nurses. Twenty-four-hour care. How had Ryla hidden this from everyone? “What happens when…?” She couldn’t even say it. What if that wasn’t the eventual outcome and she ended up looking crass for even thinking such a thing? What would those last hours even look like? Was she a monster for even worrying about it? So many questions and only a stranger to answer them.
“We’ll be there for her when the time comes for her end of life care,” he stated as matter-of-factly as if he were talking about a math equation.
“End of life care…” She swallowed. “I didn’t come home for this.”
“You absolutely did,” he replied quickly, gripping the wheel until she could see the strain in his knuckles, even in the dark car. “You didn’t know it, but that’s exactly why you’re here.”
“I want to go back. I want to be given a choice. I can’t do this.” The words came rapid-fire without a pause. She needed a minute to herself but that wouldn’t come with Paxton in the car hurtling her toward home. A place she absolutely did not want to visit now.
“Funny. That’s exactly what your sister said you’d say.”
She held her breath as she watched the headlights of other cars pass them in the oncoming lane. Tears burned her eyes and blurred the oncoming lights, turning them to white blotches. They were all people who probably weren’t headed home to see their terminally ill sister for the very last time. “How could she know?”
“She’s remarkably perceptive, and she talks about you a lot.”
That explained why Paxton didn’t like her. Ryla would’ve told him Quin was selfish and unyielding. But she wasn’t, she was just a sister. “What else did she say about me?”
He laughed for a moment before he settled back into his relaxed command of the situation. “Can’t tell you. Patient confidentiality.”
She didn’t believe that for a moment. He didn’t want to tell her which meant Ryla had been just as foul as a sister was supposed to be when they weren’t talking to each other. “I’ll let her get away with talking about me behind my back for now.” Then it occurred to her that her sister might never speak about her again. “I just don’t understand.”
“It’s really okay to break down here in the car. You’re safe here. No one can see you and I certainly won’t say a word. I would ask that you try not to in front of Ryla. Her heart is under a lot of strain and the stress of seeing you crying could be hazardous.”
Never had she ever carried tissues in her purse, but she still dug through the depths of the thing to see if she had any. To think, she’d complained about her flight being delayed. “I feel like such a jerk for asking Ryla to come pick me up. I had no idea.”
He remained silent for a moment before he spoke. “How could you? She was keeping it from you. When she said she was going to rest and then try to go get you, that’s when I had to step in as her nurse. Technically, I’m not supposed to tell her she can’t do things. But we’re friends first. I’ve known her since Duggy got loose last summer and ended up hiding from a stray cat on my back porch.”
Finally, something they could talk about that wouldn’t make her cry. Duggy was a lop-eared, bunny menace who didn’t like anyone but Ryla. “How in the world did Duggy escape? He’s always in that cage.”
“She lets him roam free all the time when no one else is around. He’s a good little guy. I just don’t want him on my back step. I can give pretty good first aid to people of any size or age…but a rabbit?” He chuckled again.
The sound resonated in the car. So masculine. Ben never sounded particularly manly. He often sounded just like any of her other random acquaintances. The difference was stark, and she hated that she couldn’t stop herself from comparing the two men.
“Will you be there when I go in, or will I see her with the other nurse there?” She didn’t want to face Ryla and a stranger with all the questions she had. Not that Paxton was much more than a stranger. But after an hour's drive, he’d be a lot closer to a friend.
“I’ll go in with you, but I can’t stay long. Jane is on tonight and I’ll need sleep so I can be there for the morning shift. I’m usually there from the time Ryla wakes up until supper. Sometimes later, but that’s off the clock. She’s lonely.” He didn’t look at her, but he didn’t have to. Who else would he blame for her loneliness except family? They should be there for her and they’d obviously missed the mark completely.
“In our defense, if we’d known we could’ve been coming all this time.”
“I won’t say it’s indefensible because I have my own family issues. What I will say is that it shouldn’t take the approach of death for you to figure out someone is valuable. They were valuable the whole time.”
Work, Ben, art, life… All of them had taken precedence over Ryla. Quin dabbed at her nose with her sleeve. “I’ve always loved her. I’m just lousy at showing it.” She’d been a planner girl. Put something on the planner and do it. Too bad she’d been horrible at putting her sister in the planner.
“We all fail at something or another. I didn’t tell you about her to make you beat yourself up. You’ll do that enough yourself over the next few weeks if you’re human and I suspect you are.”
“I’m going to need to call Mom and Dad, aren’t I? I can’t do this alone.”
He sighed deeply and he gripped the wheel again, so tigh
tly his fingers looked thin. “I’m afraid Ryla has asked that no one call her parents until she’s gone. It’s part of her directive. Her mother told her when she first started showing signs of heart trouble that she would do everything in her power to keep her alive. That’s not what Ryla wants. She’s tired. You can do it if you want to go against her wishes. I can’t stop you, but I won’t do it.”
Too tired to live? There had been mornings when getting up had been difficult after staying up almost all night to work on her painting. But never had Quin felt so weary she didn’t want to go on. “I can’t believe that.”
“Believe it. She’s so tired, she’s ready to go home.”
Chapter Three
Quin thanked goodness for the darkness as Paxton drove the last few blocks past houses she’d known from her childhood. But no matter how dark it was, she was still going to have to face the house—their house. And Ryla. And the great unspeakable thing.
Just as when she’d been younger and trying to avoid a problem, her world shifted to its most basic forms. Colors. Shapes. Abstract. If she tried to walk around, she would stumble because nothing looked real or tangible. She closed her eyes and forced that part of her brain on hold. There wasn’t time for art now.
Her arms felt heavier the closer they got and even the streetlights looked more familiar. Every other time she’d returned, this point in her journey would’ve been a breath of clean air. She could smell the salt of the sea and knew if she opened the windows, the sound of the waves would be evident, even from there. She’d fallen to sleep to that sound during summers long past.
Paxton pointed to a house as they passed it. “That’s where I live. If you ever need anything and I’m not at your sister’s house, just knock. I don’t have any other cases right now, so most likely I’ll be home.”
She nodded, listening because she had to. Paxton was the closest thing to support she’d have in the next week. What if Ryla let go while she was there? What would she do? Nothing in her past had prepared her for this.
Paxton pulled the car into the narrow driveway and parked. The two-story home was just across the street from the beach. The portion that other homes used as piers was a tuck under garage with open slats to allow for water flow in the case of hurricanes. Though they’d been lucky and had never lost anything to floodwaters.
“What do I say?” she mumbled, hoping she didn’t sound as completely out of her depth as she felt.
“How about… Hey, good to see you. Sorry it’s been so long.” He glanced at her and his eyes warmed slightly. Maybe he wasn’t being cruel, just protective of Ryla.
“I can do that, but it seems…disingenuous. I’d be hiding what I really want to say.”
He nodded, then opened his door to climb out. “The time for saying what you want has passed. It’s time to focus on her and making her comfortable. You’ve had a lot of years of you. You won’t have to keep this up for long.”
“You keep acting like I’ve tried to blot my sister out, but I never did. I love her.” Did Ryla really tell him her whole family was a bunch of losers who didn’t care about her? Even her parents, who were masters at being cold and distant, got love right sometimes.
He turned to face her, almost making her run into him. “Keep your voice down. Just in that one sentence alone, all you could think about was yourself. You’ll handle this whole situation better if you start thinking about her.”
Without anyone there to reach for, she’d thought she could rely on Paxton, but he wasn’t going to be a support. “I need my bag,” she mumbled again. Her voice didn’t seem to work and she hated whispering.
“I’ll bring it in when you guys are talking. Don’t worry about it.”
She wasn’t worried, just looking for something to stall this meeting. Specifically, this hello. Once they got past the greeting, the awkwardness, she’d be okay. Probably. A cigarette hadn’t touched her lips in five years, but she craved one just then and her two fingers pulsed for just a moment at the memory.
Keeping her footfalls light in case Ryla was asleep, she climbed the front steps and opened the door. From the back of the house, she heard a soft thump, thump, thump.
“Close the door, he’s going to make an escape!” Paxton forced his voice to a whisper from a few steps behind.
She rushed ahead and slammed the door hard enough to shake the rafters as Duggy lunged into the living room, ran to the center, and cocked his head slightly to eye her. Bunnies were supposed to be adorable, fluffy, sweet creatures, but Duggy was like a pit bull in bunny form. He chittered at her and it sounded roughly like she was being cursed out. Then he thumped the floor loudly and ran off.
The door opened just slightly. “Is he gone?”
She would’ve answered except a figure, thin and pale, appeared in the doorway. Ryla seemed to have lost half her hair and all of her will. “Yes, Paxton. Duggy went back down the hall.” Even Ryla’s voice seemed to have given up on life.
The door swung open and Paxton immediately went to help her finish her trek into the room. He got her settled and comfortable as Quin went to close the door in case Duggy decided to sneak back into the room.
“Quin. So good to see you again.” Even though the words were breathy and frail, she could feel the meaning and heart behind them.
“It’s…good to see you too.” She tried to infuse her own voice with that love she kept claiming she felt. The task was a lot harder than she thought it would be to pull off without bursting into tears.
“Sit. Talk with me. I’m afraid I laid down for a nap a few hours ago and lost track of time. I’m as awake as can be.”
Quin curled herself into a chair nearby and reached for her sister’s hand. At first, because she needed comfort, but then wanting to give it too. “I should’ve come sooner.”
Ryla squeezed softly. “You’re here now. It’s going to be fine. You’ll see.” She smiled in her distant sort of way. “I had Paxton do some shopping, but I wasn’t sure what you eat anymore.”
Two years before, she’d gone strictly vegan, but that had only lasted until she started having issues with her blood pressure and found she was very low in iron. Her doctor had said she could take supplements, but meat was the easiest way to get it, so she’d gone back to her regular diet. “I’m sure I’ll be fine with whatever he chose.”
“So you don’t eat rabbit food anymore?” Ryla grinned.
Quin held back a wince. Even her sister’s mouth seemed tired. “I’ll eat rabbit food if that’s what you told Paxton to get for me.”
Paxton turned to her slightly from his spot kneeling in front of Ryla. She hadn’t noticed he was doing something with her feet. He was so quiet when he wanted to be. “I promise it’s not what Duggy eats. Despite how good hay smells, it doesn’t seem like something to feed a guest.”
She found herself temporarily mesmerized by the slow, rhythmic movements of Paxton’s hands over Ryla’s feet. “Duggy has certainly become more…wild since I was here last.”
“He’s my best buddy.” Ryla patted the arm of the chair twice sharply and Duggy thumped down the hall again, then sat in the doorway. He stood on his back feet and searched the room until his little chocolate gaze landed on Quin. Then he dashed off out of the room.
“He doesn’t seem to like you.” Paxton laughed as he gently pulled Ryla’s sock back on.
“Bunnies are prey animals. They read people really well,” Ryla offered, then glanced at Quin. “Sorry.”
Quin shrugged. She’d never really cared for the rabbit. There had never been an animal in her life that she’d connected with. “I can’t have pets in my apartment, so not bonding with animals isn’t really a hardship.”
“Oh, that’s too bad.” Ryla folded her hands in her lap. “Because I need someone to eventually take him. I wanted you to be that person.”
Take Duggy? The bunny with more personality than her boyfriend? “He’d escape my apartment on the first day and get lost in Manhattan. I would be terrified to have
him there.”
“Then stay here. It won’t be hard. You’ll see.”
Ryla kept saying that and maybe it was because she’d already faced dragons and slain them, but that wasn’t Quin’s state of mind. “I don’t know that I’ll see anything.” She wasn’t handling the first fifteen minutes well, and the next fifteen weren’t looking any better.
Paxton stood and laid a hand on Ryla’s shoulder. “I’m going to go out and get Quin’s bag, then I’m going home to sleep. See you bright and early.”
She smiled up at him. “Thank you for everything.”
Quin bit her lip. She hadn’t thanked him for the ride or the pep talk on the way. If he hadn’t told her, she’d have seen Ryla for the first time and probably had a fit. He was right, she wouldn’t have handled that well. She’d gone into the situation with knowledge because of him. “Yes, thanks. I don’t think I could’ve driven this late. I really appreciate it.”
His lips turned up slightly in appreciation of her words and then he was gone, leaving her to carry the conversation with Ryla.
“How was your flight? You said you had a delay?” Ryla’s huge blue eyes met hers in honest curiosity.
“Yeah, the plane they’d scheduled didn’t pass some inspection and they had to find another plane. But, here I am.” She shrugged, trying to sound excited though she only managed to sound snarky.
“He told you.” She sighed. “He wasn’t supposed to. I wanted to be able to tell you in my own way. Even as much as he knows me, he still doesn’t get that all I want is one last normal thing.”
Quin couldn’t bite her tongue hard enough to keep her thoughts to herself. “The time for normal is gone. I would’ve known there was a problem the moment I saw you. I am sorry for taking so long. If I’d come two months ago, maybe then...”