by Susan Crosby
Before she’d even come down all the way, he lifted her, her legs wrapped around him, and carried her down the hall to her bedroom, dropping her on the bed. His shorts fell away. He didn’t bother with his shirt, just plunged into her and drove hard, his face contorted as he moved rhythmically.
“Come with me,” he murmured, slipping a hand between their bodies, dipping his fingers low, stroking her with incredible softness, considering his own need.
She slammed into a hard, fast climax that startled her with its intensity. He joined her, his body as hard as marble, his groans primal and flattering.
He said her name, low, almost painfully. She wrapped him in her arms and held him, wanting to soothe. He didn’t move. Didn’t roll off her, but lingered, his weight on his elbows but still heavy against her body, and exactly where he was meant to be.
“If I’d known you like negligees that much,” she said when she couldn’t stand the silence any longer, “I would’ve worn one sooner.”
He lifted his head, kissed her gently, making no joke in return.
“What’s wrong, Donovan?”
He finally moved away, pulling off his shirt, then settling down beside her. “Nothing’s wrong. In fact, a case could be made for saying something’s amazingly right.”
“Are you going to tease me all night?”
He tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. “That would be a first, wouldn’t it? We’ve never had ‘all night.’”
No, they never had. Never more than a few hours at a time. She’d come to resent that in ways that surprised her. “If you don’t tell me right now what’s going on, I’m leaving this bed.”
He grabbed her hand, keeping her there. “I never expected we’d have this conversation naked,” he said, smiling for the first time.
This conversation? Alarms blared in her head. Even before he started talking, she knew it would be about his work. Then he did talk, confirming it. And what an extraordinary job offer—life offer, really, because it would change his life forever. And Ethan’s.
“When are you leaving?” she asked, wishing for the protection of clothes.
“I haven’t accepted the job, Laura. I haven’t even come close to it.”
“How can you not? You know what your chances are of having another opportunity like this. Really, Donovan, how can you not take the job?”
“Because there are other things to take into consideration. Like Ethan.”
She waited for him to add, “Like you,” but he didn’t.
She wanted to be done with the conversation. Wanted to give in to that bright ball of pain building inside her. She couldn’t do that in front of him.
“What do you want from me?” she asked. “What’s my role here?”
He moved back a couple of inches. “I’m thinking out loud so that you can help me see every angle.”
She couldn’t deal with it naked anymore, so she got out of bed and went into her closet, coming out wearing a robe. He’d pulled on his shorts and T-shirt and was sitting against the headboard, looking…distant.
Laura sat on the bed, facing him. “Ethan will grow where he’s planted. You’ve already witnessed that. It only matters that you be together, and that his father is happy and fulfilled. That’s all he needs.”
He frowned. “I expected you to talk me out of it.”
“I don’t think you did. I think you came to me for honesty.” She was glad now that she hadn’t told him her secret, that she could continue to keep it. She could go back to her life as it was, which was just fine. Give her a few months—or years—and she would be fine, anyway.
“Actually, I’ve been dealing with something similar,” she continued. “The partners are pushing me hard to come on board full-time. They’ve decided part-time no longer works for their purposes.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m seriously considering it. It’s not like the people of Chance City couldn’t drive to Sacramento to consult with me.” Except many would be priced out of it, probably, considering that her hourly rate in Sacramento was almost double what she charged here in town.
“But you told me you’d have to be working eighty-hour weeks,” he said. “Add your commute, and you won’t have a minute for yourself.”
“I’d move to Sacramento.” She figured she could buy a house or condo, and if Dixie decided to take her own job offer in Sacramento, too, they could share until she had the resources to go out on her own. It might be fun having a roommate, a true girlfriend. Laura had kept herself private for too long, far too long.
“Move to…? Are you serious? You said you’d have a full-time practice here, if you could make a living at it.”
His memory was too good. “Well, I’ve rethought it. Like your offer, it’s tempting.”
He stared at her for a long time, a usually successful technique, she knew, for getting someone to say more. She didn’t add anything. Couldn’t add anything. Because any second now, she was going to break down and sob on his shoulder, pleading for him not to go, pleading for him to love her back.
She couldn’t do that to him. They had no future. He wanted more babies, a real family life. She would even move to D.C. with him, if he asked, if she thought they could make a go of it, that he wouldn’t eventually resent her for not giving him more babies. He’d made enough comments lately that she knew the inevitable.
“So,” he said finally. “You’d be okay with me leaving?”
“I’ve had a great time with you. And you know I adore Ethan.” That bright ball of pain was reaching epic proportions. If he didn’t leave soon…“But, Donovan, you have an incredible talent. It shouldn’t be wasted.”
“And it wouldn’t matter to you if I left?” he asked again.
I love you. “Do what you need to do.”
“You didn’t answer the question.”
“Your decision has to be based on what’s best for you and Ethan.”
His gaze was steady. She looked right back.
He reached for her hands, held them in his, still staring at her. She thought she would spontaneously combust, so intense was the fire inside her. She wanted him with all her heart and soul, wanted him in sickness and health, for better or worse. Until death do them part.
She wanted to be a mother to Ethan, to watch him grow, to help raise him to be a man. Ethan was her only hope for that, because she would never give in to her emotions like this again.
“You’re right,” Donovan said finally, breaking a long silence. “You’re right most of the time, you know?”
She shook her head, a lump in her throat preventing speech.
“I should go,” he said.
She walked with him to the front door, her hand in his. He kissed her, thoroughly but without heat, the tenderness almost unbearable. Then he was gone.
One hand covering her mouth, one pressed to her stomach, she ran to her bedroom, fell facedown on the bed and gave in to everything she felt, all the pain, all the longing, all the love.
Maybe if she’d been honest with him from the beginning, it would’ve made a difference. Maybe. Regardless, she’d waited too long, had been too afraid that it would be the deal breaker for them. So she’d taken what she could from him, promising herself no regrets.
Which was the biggest lie she’d ever told herself. She was going to regret his loss for the rest of her life. Of that she had no doubt.
Donovan didn’t sleep. He tried, several times, but he always wound up sitting in a chair on the back patio. If he’d been a list maker, he would’ve done the pros and cons, but there were too many factors to weigh, too many lists to compile and cross-check with others.
In the end, he would have to go with his gut.
By the time he picked up Nana Mae at noon and they were settled in their booth at the Lode, he was no closer to making a decision than when he’d gotten Rupert’s call yesterday.
He didn’t bring up the job offer while they ate, just kept the conversation light, getting her t
o reminisce about her life, asking questions he hadn’t been interested in before, grateful she was still alive when he’d reached an age where he was genuinely curious about her history.
He noticed other things, as well. How elegantly she ate, using each utensil precisely, reminding him of the etiquette lessons she’d given all her grandchildren. He’d gone out into the world prepared to be tested over a meal by potential employers, heads of state, four-star generals or women on dates, knowing he could pass any test of manners with flying colors, not only because he knew which fork to use when, but how to converse, how to put people at ease.
She’d done that for him, for all of his siblings. He loved her, but even more, he respected and admired her.
When they were finished with their sandwiches and salads, Honey brought hot lemon tea and pound cake for Nana Mae, her traditional finish to any meal at the Lode.
“You drink too much of that stuff,” she said to Donovan as Honey refilled his coffee mug. “Moderation in all things.”
“Bores me.”
Her eyes twinkled. “I know.”
“Not likely to change, either.”
“I know that, too. So, what’s the real reason you invited me to lunch?”
He leaned toward her, remembering at the last minute not to put his elbows on the table. “I’ve been offered a job at NewsView, a full-time, permanent, regular-paycheck-and-benefits, big-challenge job.”
“And the but is?”
“It’s in D.C.”
She nodded thoughtfully. “What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know yet.”
She took a careful sip of her tea, her way of gathering her thoughts. “Your father once had an offer like that.”
Donovan sat back, surprised. “He did?”
“Not the same as yours, of course, but an offer that would’ve suited him, a chance to leave town, be independent, see the world. He was twenty-one. He and Aggie had been dating about eight months.”
“Mom would’ve been seventeen.”
“That’s right. They’d known each other for years, but when she started her senior year, he took notice of her in an entirely new way. She was so different from him, you know? Outgoing, bubbly, cheerful. She’s the same now, just more mature, of course. I could see why he fell for her. He’d been too serious all his life. She brightened his world in ways I can’t even describe.
“Then along came this job offer just as he was about to propose, the day of her high-school graduation. He came to me, wanting advice. I told him then what I’m going to tell you now, Donny. You need to do what makes you happy. If you’re not happy, no one around you will be. It all may seem complicated, but it’s really quite simple.”
Donovan had figured that his grandmother would talk him into staying in Chance City. If he’d given it more thought, he would’ve realized she wouldn’t do that. His mother might, but not Nana Mae, which was probably why he was talking to her and not his mom. “Dad didn’t take the job.”
“He did not.”
“Did he regret it?”
“You grew up with him. What do you think?”
His father had remained a quiet man, dependable, patient and consistent. But he’d loved his wife openly, lovingly, their affection public, if subtle on his part. “He seemed content,” Donovan said. “But if he had regrets, we never would’ve heard about it.”
“Yes, you would, Donny. Not directly, but he would’ve been telling you one way or the other all your life. And if he were here today, he would tell you to check with your heart first before you make a decision, not your head. Not your practical side, but your selfish side. And once you’ve made a decision, don’t look back. Don’t regret. Have no remorse. Keep moving forward.”
A hot lump settled in Donovan’s throat. “Mom and Dad were incredible role models. I always knew I wouldn’t settle for less than what they had.”
Which was why he’d never asked Anne to marry him, even though he’d thought he’d loved her. If he’d loved her enough, he would’ve sacrificed for her, and he didn’t. She must’ve known….
Nana Mae patted his hand. “You’ll make the right decision. Whatever you decide will be right, because it’ll be for the right reasons. Let your walls collapse for a while. See what’s behind them.”
Walls. The word triggered a memory of his conversation with Dolly. What had she said? That Laura had put up some pretty solid walls.
Why?
He hadn’t asked why, hadn’t gotten deep enough into her head to know why she’d built walls, why she’d needed them in the first place. Last night, he’d seen her pull back from him. She’d encouraged him to take the job, to go all the way across the country—for a job. She hadn’t expressed any hope that he wouldn’t go—not in words or even in her eyes.
Why? She’d said, too, that Ethan would bloom where he was planted—even though Donovan knew she loved Ethan, knew she loved being with him, and he with her.
And why was it so important to Donovan that she wanted him—and Ethan—to stay?
“You just made a decision,” his grandmother said, watching him.
“I checked with my heart, like you said. It made it for me, loud and clear.” He captured her hand across the table. “Thank you. Maybe I would’ve come to the same conclusion, made the same decision, but I would’ve probably suffered for days trying to make it. You made it simple. You couldn’t have given better advice.”
“When it comes down to it, Donny, most things in life are simple.”
But not people. People were complicated and complex, with walls built around emotions and old hurts. You could chip away at them or shatter them all at once with a wrecking ball.
And there wasn’t time to chip away at Laura’s walls.
Chapter Eighteen
L aura left her hand cradled on the telephone receiver after ending the call, one that had taken her a week to work up the nerve to make. She didn’t know how she felt yet except—
Her doorbell rang. Through the peephole she saw Donovan staring right back at her, waving, smiling.
He’d made a decision.
She drew a steadying breath, then opened the door. “Hi.”
His smile went away. “What’s wrong? You’re pale.”
She choked up a little, wanted to throw herself in his arms and let him hold her. She clenched her fists instead. “I just talked to my father. Come in.”
He did, but stood just inside the front door, not trying to lead her into the living room, but cupping her elbows, steadying her.
“Did he finally track you down?” he asked.
“I called him. Turns out my mom has known all along where he lives—Orlando.” She swallowed. “I have a brother and a sister. Twins. They just graduated from college. He—my father—wants to see me. He wants forgiveness.”
“What are you going to do?”
“You know, given what I do for a living, I’ve seen how easy it is for people to become estranged and not know how to fix it, even when they desperately want to. I’m willing to give it a shot. It won’t be easy, but I want to try. In some ways, I need to forgive my mom, too, for keeping his existence a secret from me. I’m in the mood to forgive.” There were more important things in life, she’d decided, than holding grudges.
“I forgave Anne,” Donovan said.
The short, simple sentence filled the entire room with significance. “I’m glad. How’d you come to it?”
“By realizing I hadn’t done my share in the relationship. That I was at fault, too. She was wrong not to tell me I had a son, but it’s done and can’t be changed. I want a clean slate.”
Laura’s blood ran cold. She couldn’t move. “So you’ve decided to take the job.”
He cocked his head. “That’s an interesting conclusion you’ve jumped to, counselor.”
She would miss that, him calling her counselor in that playful way.
“Let’s go for a walk,” he said.
“Where?”
“Not far
. Come on, Laura. Be spontaneous with me.”
“Bully,” she said, his dare a tempting one.
“Whatever works.”
She grabbed her keys and left the house with him on what was probably the hottest day of the summer so far.
“One of the things I thought about during my sleepless night last night,” he said as they walked, not holding hands, but occasionally bumping arms, “was your decision to move to Sacramento and take on an eighty-hour-a-week job. I wondered what had changed during the past few weeks, because I didn’t get the impression that was something you wanted to do. So the only answer I could come up with was that you’d gone into self-protection mode. More important—into sacrifice mode. You wanted me to leave here with the knowledge that you, too, were moving on to something bigger. Your life would go on without me.”
“You say in all humility.” She didn’t like that he could figure her out so well, so easily. Yes, you do. You like it a lot. Her heart was doing the talking now, instead of her head. No one else had ever read her so well.
He smiled gently. “I understand you. Is that so bad?”
“What do you think you know?”
“I’ll tell you in a minute.”
They rounded a corner and kept walking toward the park. She could usually summon up a great deal of patience, but not today. Not now. She wanted to get this over with. She especially didn’t want to walk by the house. Her house, as she always thought of it. The place where life could be perfect, where a family could be made—and a wonderful life.
“Ever been inside this place?” Donovan asked, pointing to the house. Her house.
She shook her head.
He held up a key. “Let’s take a look.”
“How…?” She stopped the question cold, because she didn’t really need to know how he’d gotten the key, but rather how he’d known that this was the house. Her house.
They went inside. She saw peeling paint, water-damaged hardwood floors, a filthy stone fireplace. She also saw beauty and warmth, peace and fun, which echoed through the house like their footsteps as they walked from room to room, checking out each of the five bedrooms, three bathrooms, unusable kitchen and gorgeous sunroom.