The kiss that followed was stunning for its strength, as Allyn drew her tighter than ever and crushed her lips with authority.
“Okay, then,” Bea said, shaking her head as if to clear cobwebs. “Being late isn’t all that big a deal.”
“Happy birthday.” Allyn handed her the box. “I wasn’t sure what to get you, but when I saw this I knew it was exactly what you needed.”
Bea carefully peeled off the silver bow and paper to find a high-end digital camera. Very expensive, she guessed. “Holy wow!”
“I heard you complaining at JoJo’s last week about the camera on your phone. I wanted you to be sure you got some good photos of Dexter.”
“Awww, thank you.” The thought of chronicling Dexter’s final months made her eyes cloud with tears. She’d never forgive herself if she wasted the opportunity to memorialize him in pictures, and it was touching Allyn had thought to see that she did. “I’m sure I’ll be thanking you again and again. This is wonderful. Way better than a baseball game.” Or half a baseball game, in this case.
“It has a really fast shutter speed and a zoom lens. Plus there’s this little flap on the side that you can open and take video. I don’t know a thing about photography, but I told the saleswoman how Dexter ran in circles through the house, and this is the one she recommended. Oh, and it’s got an autofocus, so you just point and shoot. Hold the button down and it’ll take three pictures in a row.”
Bea didn’t know much about photography either, but she knew expensive cameras took better photos than cheap ones. Allyn had dropped a pretty penny on this one to be sure she got good memories of Dexter. “This is so sweet.”
“Speaking of sweet, stay right here.” She left and returned from her car with a massive layer cake wrapped in cellophane. “I was going to pick up some cupcakes at Trader Joe’s, but then I got hung up at the Rankins’ because they were all sitting down to dinner and…” She shook her head, as if to indicate that being late hadn’t been her idea. “Anyway, Melody’s mom surprised me with this. It’s a hummingbird cake. The very best cake you’ve ever tasted.”
“And I didn’t even tell her it was my birthday,” Bea said dryly. She wasn’t a traditionalist who needed an elaborate cake with candles to commemorate her special day, but if she happened to get one, she preferred it not be a hand-me-down from her girlfriend’s former mother-in-law.
“I know it’s not technically a birthday cake, but it’s delicious and she baked it just for me. We can’t let it go to waste. I don’t need to eat the whole thing by myself. I’d rather share it with you than anyone.”
Bea took a deep breath to swallow her objections and followed her into the kitchen, where she doled out rice with sweet and sour pork. “Let’s eat in the living room in front of the fire.”
“I’m not hungry, but you go ahead. Just a glass of water for me.”
So not only was she late for dinner, she’d already eaten too.
Once Allyn removed her jacket and scarf and got settled on the couch, Bea muted the sound on the TV and turned off the lamps so they could enjoy the fireplace as they kept an eye on the game. She needed help to quell her annoyance and allow Allyn to turn the evening into something resembling a celebration.
Using chopsticks, she scooped a clump of sticky rice and dragged it through the orange sauce. With her mouth full, she asked in the most cheerful voice she could muster, “So how was your day?”
“My day was…it was really nice.”
Bea would rather have heard it was miserable, that Melody was obnoxious and she was never going back again.
“I didn’t realize how much I missed everyone until I saw them again, and I could tell they were all glad to see me. It wasn’t awkward or anything. In fact, I got the feeling they were trying to apologize to me for Melody, you know?”
“Did they say that?”
“Not in so many words, but they all acted like they were ticked off at her. Mom said—I mean Melody’s mom, Sheryl. She always wanted me to call her Mom too. Anyway, she told me she never knew exactly what happened between us, but I was welcome to come back whenever I wanted with or without Melody. I think her sisters figured everything out because they knew she moved to Tucson to be with Naomi.”
Okay, she could probably deal with Allyn going off to visit her former in-laws every now and then. After all, Allyn accepted the importance of her trips to see Wendy. “If it makes you feel good to keep in touch with them, you should do it. It sounds like they really missed you.”
“From the sound of it, they didn’t care much for Naomi.”
“They probably won’t like anyone who isn’t you. Just wait till Melody starts seeing somebody else. That’s bound to happen one of these days.”
Allyn set her water glass on the coffee table and looked at her somberly. “She wants me back.”
The words landed with a thud. A long silence followed until Bea finally muttered, “Can’t say I didn’t see that coming.” The very fact that Allyn hadn’t adamantly dismissed it out of hand was all the proof she needed—Melody was a legitimate threat.
It also explained the intensity of their kiss when Allyn arrived. She was probably feeling guilty. Not only about being late, but about being disloyal. Now she wondered how much encouragement Allyn had given Melody to pursue a reconciliation.
“We don’t have to talk about this today, Bea. It’s your birthday.”
“Fuck,” she said under her breath, but it was more than loud enough for Allyn to hear. “Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow I’m cutting your heart out.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“What else didn’t you say?” The urge to withdraw was overpowering, and she shoved her food aside and slid to the far end of the couch, instinctively putting a protective distance around herself.
“I didn’t say yes, if that’s what you’re asking,” she answered sharply. “I don’t trust her anymore. But at least she finally told me the truth about why she walked out. She knew from the very beginning that she’d screwed up. She left because she couldn’t face me—or herself. She couldn’t deal with the shame anymore. That doesn’t explain why she had to be such an asshole about it. It was just a defense mechanism, I guess. We all do that out of self-preservation. Plus Naomi was pressuring her to cut things off.”
It didn’t take a genius to read between that particular set of lines—Allyn hadn’t told her no. She not only accepted Melody’s explanation, but now was making excuses for her.
Allyn squeezed her eyes shut and grasped her head with both hands. “I know you want this to be cut and dried, but it’s more complicated than that. One thing I can promise is I’m not going to rush back to her just because she finally took her head out of her ass. I’m not the same pathetic, wailing, deer-in-the-headlights housewife I was a few months ago, and I owe that to you. I’m my own person now. I don’t need her validation anymore to feel good about myself.”
Bea retreated farther, crawling onto the floor to sit beside Dexter. “What does it mean when you say you aren’t going to rush back? That you’ll go back gradually?”
“Don’t put words in my mouth.”
“It’s not the words in your mouth that bother me, Allyn.” Her voice rose with anger and frustration. “It’s the words you’re not saying. Did you happen to tell Melody you were in love with me?”
“She knows about us.”
“That’s not what I asked.” From the sound of it, Allyn hadn’t given Melody the whole picture. The question was why. It was reasonable to want to protect their privacy—Allyn had been adamant all along that she didn’t want Melody to know her business. A more cynical reason was that she was trying to maintain an aura of availability.
The family visit had done exactly what Bea feared it would—triggered a longing for the old days. With Melody hammering her to get back together, it was only a matter of time before she gave in. This had been Bea’s worst nightmare all along and now it was coming to pass. “Look, if you’re seriously trying to de
cide between her and me, let me make this simple. She’s got all the game pieces, and all I have going for me is the fact that I haven’t hurt you. Also the fact that I won’t. I’m a better person than that.”
“This isn’t a game of you against Melody. I’m not asking you to compete with her. I want you to give me enough credit to make a decision about what’s right for me.”
“That’s it? That’s all you want from me? No reminders that I love you?” Or that you said the same to me?
“You’ve already given me the one thing I want most—your honesty. You have no idea how much that means.”
There was nothing honest about trying to act as though Allyn’s wavering on Melody didn’t hurt. Nor could she step back and pretend to be mature and supportive while she tumbled aimlessly in limbo. No matter how much Allyn downplayed the threat of Melody, Bea knew she was walking on a wire where if she said or did the wrong thing, there would be no safety net. Allyn would use it as justification to leave her.
After more than a minute of strained silence, she pulled Dexter’s head into her lap for comfort. Her comfort, not his. As he lolled beneath her loving caress, she was struck by her sense of inevitability about losing him, and how similar that was to her feelings about Allyn.
“Here’s some honesty for you, Allyn. I have a bad feeling about this. I don’t blame you for how you feel…there’s a lot at stake and you have more to think about than I do. You have a right to decide what kind of life you want—not for me, not for Melody—for you. But while you’re doing that, we should back off. Dexter needs me now, and I don’t want to spend another night like tonight wondering where you are and what you’re doing.” Her words were honest, but the calm, rational delivery was indeed Oscar-worthy.
She wanted Allyn to fight her, to say she’d already made up her mind, and it wasn’t Melody she wanted.
Instead, Allyn nodded as she pushed herself up from the couch. “I understand. I’m sorry I ruined your birthday.”
“My birthday doesn’t matter. It’s just another day.”
Allyn looped her scarf loosely around her neck and slung her jacket over her arm. “I’ll call you in a couple of days…if that’s okay.”
“It’s fine.” Bea struggled to her feet and went into the kitchen, returning with the cake. “Under the circumstances, I think you should take this.”
*
Blinded by her own tears, Allyn mindlessly navigated the route to her apartment. Bea’s words had scorched her. For the first time, she knew the guilt and shame Melody must have felt under the weight of her allegations. Lies of omission were still lies, and that’s what she’d done to Bea.
She also understood why Melody had danced around the reason for her leaving until Allyn finally forced her to admit there was someone else. It was easier not to say. Easier for the one keeping secrets.
The kiss she’d shared with Melody hadn’t been her idea but she’d let it happen. It didn’t matter that she’d gone completely slack, returning neither the physical nor emotional sensations. She should have pushed her away forcefully, if not for Bea, then for her own sense of pride. No matter what kind of epiphany Melody had finally had, she couldn’t erase her betrayal and cruelty with a few words of remorse.
Had Melody ever cried like this over what she’d done? Or had she merely sighed with relief that it was over?
It wasn’t over with Bea.
And yet she couldn’t bring herself to let go of Melody once and for all. Their years together were the happiest of her life, and now she had a chance to reclaim them. What would Bea do if she could have Wendy again?
Before climbing the stairs to her apartment, she took a side trip to the trash bin and dumped the hummingbird cake. What an insensitive gesture that had been. Yet she’d rationalized it so perfectly with pragmatism, ignoring how it might have made Bea feel. Something Melody would have done.
Bea deserved a better apology than the cursory one she’d given when she walked in the door, but Allyn couldn’t face her again until she’d answered the question of why she’d allowed Melody to kiss her. If she secretly wanted it to happen again, it meant she’d chosen Melody over Bea.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Bea rarely used her desk anymore, opting to spread her papers on the office floor so she could be close to Dexter. With each passing day, he grew more like his old self, pouncing on her to play and covering her face with slobbery kisses. He didn’t seem to notice Allyn’s absence. No dashing to the window when a car went down the street, no circuits through the house to see if she was hiding in one of the other rooms. On the contrary, he seemed to sense that Bea was out of sorts and stuck beside her like glue.
Out of sorts was a mild way of putting how she’d felt since Saturday night. Four days of walking around like a zombie and four nights of fitful sleep. Allyn would appreciate the irony.
Bea didn’t expect hers to last as long as Allyn’s had. It wasn’t as though they’d been married, or even committed to one another. They had only ten weeks of history, barely enough to honestly call it love. No wonder it had crumbled so quickly when Melody returned waving hearts and flowers.
As of right now, it sure felt as if it had crumbled. Allyn said she’d call in a couple of days but she hadn’t. Obviously, she’d accepted Bea’s surrender and felt no need to beat a dead horse. By petulantly taking herself out of the picture, Bea had given her the perfect exit strategy, one she could rationalize as what Bea wanted.
For the third time since sitting down she lost her place matching the inventory sheet to her order form. If she didn’t get her mind on her work, she’d end up with a whole truckload of packing tape and no boxes to wrap.
“Hey, boss.” Kit darkened her doorway and stooped to pet Dexter. “Is it okay with you if I cut out a little early? Grady’s got the counter and I need to go put some air in our practice balls before the match.”
“Sure, go ahead. Speaking of volleyball…I think I’m going to bail tonight. I’ve got a headache that won’t quit.”
“Bullshit.”
“What do you mean bullshit? Are you inside my head now?” Kit could be infuriating when she went into her know-it-all routine.
“You’ve been in a shitty mood all week. Something’s going on with you and Allyn.”
“Something that’s none of your business.”
Kit joined her on the floor and traded kisses with Dexter. “I saw Melody at the game last week, so I take it she’s back in town.”
Bea should have known better than to think Kit would take “none of your business” for an answer. “Not yet, but it’s just a matter of time. She came into town to talk with someone at the UW about getting her job back, then she showed up on Allyn’s doorstep. Allyn went with her last weekend to visit her family and got caught up in all the old memories. Now Melody wants her back, and all of a sudden she’s developed amnesia about all the shit she dragged her through last year.”
“So that’s it? You guys are done?”
“Who the hell knows? I have to let her try again if that’s what she wants, or live with the fact that she’ll pine away for Melody and resent me for the rest of her life. I want her to be happy. I just hoped it would be with me.”
“If she goes back to that conniving bitch, she’s fucked in the head.” The coarse words sounded even more vicious coming from someone as physically imposing as Kit. “But you might as well come to the game tonight and get your mind off it. I just got a text from her about five minutes ago, and she’s not going to be there.”
“That figures. I don’t even get the satisfaction of sulking.”
She could hardly fault Allyn for bailing on volleyball since she’d been prepared to do the same. From the way they both were acting, they were finished.
But not from the way Bea was feeling.
*
Allyn checked the clock and shut down her employer contacts file. Since Monday she’d dreaded the end of her workday knowing she’d spend the hours before bedtime sitting in the dark
brooding, much like when Melody left. Only now she was brooding over how she’d treated Bea. It felt nearly as bad as being on the receiving end, except it wasn’t over. She still had a chance to make things right.
“That stupid cake.” Could she have been more thoughtless? As though it wasn’t enough that she’d shown up over two hours late on her birthday. As though she hadn’t spent those two hours entertaining pleas to come back to her ex-wife. As though they hadn’t kissed.
All afternoon she’d waffled on whether or not she could face Bea at the volleyball match. The women on the team were Bea’s longtime friends, and she’d already come between them last week when she caused her to skip the gathering at JoJo’s. What if she went and their teammates picked up on the rift?
She should have kept her promise and called earlier in the week. With every day that passed it grew harder to know what to say. Bea would want an answer and she still didn’t have one.
The decision should have been obvious—Melody had destroyed her. Yet she couldn’t bring herself to close the door once and for all, not when she had a chance to turn back the clock and pretend the whole tragedy had never happened. That future was there for the taking, since the job at the UW had come through and Melody was already plotting her move back to Seattle in only two weeks.
There was another reason she couldn’t talk to Bea right now. The very idea she would consider returning to Melody was humiliating. Bea would say all the right things about how she had to listen to her heart and do what was best for her, but on the inside, she would judge her. Everyone would. She’d be like a battered wife returning to her abuser.
Her cell phone chimed and she knew who it was without looking. Melody had badgered her relentlessly until she gave out her number and knew she stopped work at five sharp.
“Hello,” she said flatly, not bothering with the social nuance of faking cheer in her voice.
“Hey…is this a bad time?”
“No, it’s okay. I’ve been dealing with a stubborn client.” It shocked her how easily the lie rolled off her tongue.
Life After Love Page 21