by Michael Noe
“I’m lost. What day is it?” She asked in a voice that was created from years of cigarette use and maybe whiskey. She smiled at me, but there was little joy to be found in it.
I shrugged my shoulders. Of all the questions to be asked, this was the hardest to answer. My watch still worked and it gave me the date but the days usually all ran together. Time was no longer relative to me. It wasn’t like I had shit to do anymore. I watched as she tried to stand up, but failed horribly. “Saturday? You okay?” It was a dumb question but it was all I had.
“I don’t know where I am,” She began walking toward me and I suddenly wanted to be anywhere other than where I was. I had made a mistake but it was too late to go back now. She reached out and touched my hand. I could smell soured sweat and beer rolling off of her. Her brown pajamas fit loosely on her skeletal frame. “I saw God. He talks to me.”
This is not good, I thought with a feeling of dread. Her voice though slurred, was filled with awe. I backed up and felt the doorknob pressing into the small of my back. Any other time, I could have called the police and they would come out and taken her someplace where she could get the help that she needed. Now? We were alone and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to help her. Despite her rough appearance, her hands were soft and felt good against my skin. I didn’t want her touch but at the same time, I was thinking that there were other places she could touch.
“God talks to everyone. He’s everywhere.” I looked down at the ground, wishing it would swallow me. There was no end to this conversation no matter what I did. It was as if everything I said was exactly what she wanted to hear. She was obviously crazy, but more than that, she was lonely. Hell, I was lonely too. That could be me! I wonder where she came from. Where exactly was she going? Wherever it was, I know that she wouldn’t make it safely.
“Do you live here? It’s a pretty street. I’m a hundred years old.” She looked up to the sky and pointed. She smiled blissfully as if she were hearing something that only she could hear. “He’s coming back. Do you have Jesus in your heart?”
I was reeling from her words, but as I looked in her eyes, I could see something that I knew no one would ever see in mine and that was conviction. She may have been drunk, or crazy, and maybe both, but the thing underlining that was that she was convinced somehow, or some way, Jesus was in fact coming back. Her eyes twinkled when she said it. In her life, she must have found the one thing that kept her going. Even in her condition, I envied that about her. It made her more real than I ever could be. All of my life, I never bought into things I couldn’t see or touch with my hands, but this woman? She had faith.
It was also possible that she had lost her mind, but I didn’t think so. Even drunk, she sounded so sure that among the rubble and the chaos, her Lord would come back and set things right. Who was I to say that he wouldn’t come back and save us all from this horrid mess we all were in? I remembered a Bible verse that said; “In those days, people will seek death but will not find it. They will long to die, but death will flee from them.” Sounded exactly right. I don’t put much stock in the Lord or The Bible but that verse sent a chill down my spine.
“Where are you headed?” I wanted to avoid the talk of God. It wasn’t going to solve anything anyway. We were left to die while wandering the wasteland without any hope or idea where we were headed. Deep down, I was still happy I was alone, while being amused that the first person I had seen was this woman. Life was indeed full of surprises.
“Everywhere! There’s no place that I’m headed. Hard to find a place to go when you got the devil on your trail. Can I kiss your cheek?” She still had a hold of my hand so I couldn’t move even if I wanted to. “Just a little peck.” I felt her dry lips on my cheek and my mind instantly flashed to memories of my grandma. She would kiss me the exact same way and it always felt as if my cheek was being rubbed with sandpaper. She let go of my hand and backed off the porch. Her pajama top fell open revealing small, saggy breasts with dark brown nipples that pointed at me like accusing fingers. I looked away and found myself staring at her tanned stomach that had a crisscross of stretch marks. I stared at those breasts mesmerized.
She began singing again as she walked away. I wondered if I’d ever see her again and if so, would she be alive? The odds were quite slim, but anything was possible, wasn’t it? Where had she come from? As I walked into the house, I locked the door and fell onto the couch, exhausted. I tried to read, but I just couldn’t focus. I kept thinking of the crazy lady and wondered how far she would make it before finding the wrong people. I knew they had to be out there somewhere. The law of averages made that pretty clear. She would be singing one day and fall into a hungry horde of zombies. I wonder if she’ll finally find her Jesus? Is that why she was walking? Was she looking for her own version of paradise?
It was possible that I was overthinking it. She was drunk and crazy. It sounded like a country music song written by Hank III or maybe even David Allan Coe. That was deep country right there. It just doesn’t get purer than that. That’s the kind of music that makes your soul ache and want to drink. I drifted off to sleep, dreaming of that woman singing while she gleefully ran into a horde of zombies. As they ripped and clawed at her flesh, I could still hear her singing Jesus Loves Me. She was a sacrificial lamb being led to the slaughter for the sins of all mankind. I watched as she rose above the zombies with a halo of light around her blood-streaked hair. Her eyes shone with a life that wasn’t there before.
“It’s all for you, I have given my life so you may live!” She ascended away from the horde and into the sky. The sun was blotted out for just a moment, plunging the world into an inky blackness. I felt a peace and a joy I’d never felt before. Despite the blood that poured from her wounds, she looked angelic. When I woke up, I realized that I was crying. My pillow was damp with my tears and I looked outside my window, almost expecting her to be there, but the road was empty. I turned away and tried to distract myself with a book, but it didn’t work.
My mind kept returning to the woman I had seen the other morning. I needed to forget about her but I couldn’t. Where had she wandered to? Did it really matter? I was the selfish one. I watched while others died and now I was pondering the fate of a crazy woman who had obviously been drinking a little too much. I looked out the window and saw nothing. It wasn’t a surprise at all. Did you really expect to see her out there? No, but at some point there was bound to be someone out there. This person could be even crazier than she was. Why had she affected me so much? It was loneliness. That was it.
That didn’t ease my mind at all. I knew all about loneliness and what it could do the human mind. It made you crazy. Was I next? I didn’t feel lonely. I had exiled myself. I saw the world implode and I hid. I was a coward, but I wasn’t lonely. I sat back down in my chair and stared at the walls for a while. I tried to read but my mind just wouldn’t focus. A walk would clear my head, but did I really want to go out there? This wasn’t like my usual runs. This was just a stroll to unwind. Once upon a time, it was possible to just go for a walk around the neighborhood. Now it was on that huge list of shit you shouldn’t do unless you had a death wish.
Instead, I sat on my back porch and drank a beer. Ohio was now heading into Spring and soon the heat of Summer would hit. What would it be like now without the modern convenience of air conditioning? That was enough to get my mind moving in a new direction. Now I was thinking about dying from heat stroke. Jesus, what a mess. I looked at the sky and wondered why God had to have such a sick sense of humor. Why had he abandoned us? Pretty soon, I was too drunk to care and fell into a cozy drunken slumber.
Chapter Seven: Audrey
My life had continued on in the same pattern it always did. I went out to get supplies and came home to an empty house. To my knowledge I was totally alone. It was easier to take now and the hollow pits of loneliness seemed to ease a little. This was what I had chosen for myself and there was nothing I could do about it, unless I wanted to take a trip and t
ry to find some survivors. That took too much effort though. I was content to go on the occasional beer and pill run, but I still couldn’t bring myself to find people.
I hadn’t really even thought about it. If I were to walk down the street and saw Lizzy Hale or Taylor Momsen, I would break my damn neck trying to save them. Maybe that’s a little fucked up, but aside from my mother, there really wasn’t any other woman I would risk life and limb to save. Forget about trying to join a group of men. I saw a hunting video once when a group of men went into the woods to hunt deer or something. That was all fine and well because I know where meat comes from. It’s not all prepackaged for you and yes, some animals were killed in order for you to partake of it.
The point is that these guys went into the woods in their gear, all ready for a manly adventure. One of the men actually mistook his friend for a deer and accidently killed him. That spoke volumes to me. Hunting was never my thing anyway, but after watching that, I was pretty glad I didn’t. I don’t know if it was the excitement of the moment or maybe too much beer but to actually shoot someone you thought was a deer is pretty crazy. Imagine for a second that you found a group of guys who’d suddenly mistaken you for a zombie. That is a fucked up way to die.
My chances of surviving alone were pretty good. There was no way I was stupid enough to shoot myself. Hell, there was nothing here to shoot. I had target practiced a little and nothing came out to eat me. There were no zombies here. There was no reason to leave. I was lonely, but not lonely enough to trek across America to find a new BFF. The thing was, I was content. I knew my life was never going to be anything other than what it was. I was naïve of course, but aren’t we all? We put ourselves in this nice little bubble and refuse to come out, or even change. It’s safe in our bubble. Nothing can harm us there.
Everything changed when I met Audrey. What can I tell you about her? Aside from the fact that she’s stubborn and very persistent, there isn’t much to tell you. I have no idea where she came from. She always refused to talk about it. That was part of her appeal though. She was a mystery that I wanted to solve. It was like this holy quest I became obsessed with. She was striking, with delicate features that reminded me of fine china. She had a smattering of freckles on the bridge of her nose and her eyes always sparkled when she smiled. When she spoke, her voice was confident, but to look at her, I wondered where that confidence came from. She was braver than I could ever be and at the same time she was very vexing. I had never met a woman like Audrey and I believe that a woman like that comes only once in a lifetime. Sounds poetic, doesn’t it?
I didn’t find Audrey. She found me. I thought I had been alone but she had been watching me for about a week. In any other circumstance, it would seem a bit strange and maybe even a little stalkerish, but the world was a different place. You had to be careful. I asked her once what made her decide to approach me and she just shrugged. “You looked safe. I saw you with that woman. Anyone else would have attacked her, but you just talked to her. I knew then that the odds of you being a psycho were pretty slim.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. It seemed absurd to me, but that was Audrey. She always went by her instincts and they were never wrong. “Maybe I just saw that she was too easy. I could have been waiting for a challenge,” I replied, in hopes that it would scare her a little.
“No, despite what you want me to think, you’re not an asshole. A chicken shit maybe, but you’re no psycho.” At that moment, she nuzzled her cheek into my chest and I simply held her. There were no more words. I was content to be there in that moment and I realized just how much I missed them. It reminded me of a time before the world went insane. Have you ever been in a moment like that? For just a little while, nothing matters.
I’m jumping ahead of myself though. It’s just that Audrey coming into my life was such a pivotal moment. I never needed anyone before, but she changed me. I resisted of course but she refused to give up. She wore me down, but I’m glad she did. Who knows? Maybe she restored my faith in humanity. How’s that for clichéd? A woman’s touch can stop all wars, and put an end to starvation and hunger. It’s the truth though. Audrey changed me, but it wasn’t easy. Anyone else would have given up. I would have, but she refused. She always said she saw the good in me. It could have been pure bullshit, but I don’t think so. When she looked at me, I could see that she loved me. You can’t fake that.
It’d been a week after I met the warbler when Audrey came knocking on my door. I had spent the day reading and doing jigsaw puzzles. When the light was good enough, I colored. It was a good way to relieve stress and I became an addict. What else was I going to do with my time? I’d pop a Xanax and color for a few hours. It was all I had. Out beyond my little space of humanity there was probably a war going on. I was content to sit it out in my house and self-medicate.
I heard a knock on the front door. It was an odd sound I hadn’t heard in months. My heart raced as the pounding became more persistent. “I know you’re in there!” It was a female voice that was hinged with annoyance. I ignored it and hoped that she would grow bored and go away. I figured she was just a random person looking for survivors. I, of course, wasn’t in the mood for company despite how excited I was to hear that voice. It was like the heavens opened and God himself had spoken.
If I opened that door, my world of solitude would be forever shattered. I knew how this would play out. She would want to come in and then she would want to chat. It sounded great but I had been alone for so long, I doubted I could hold a conversation. I didn’t care about the world anymore. I had my own and it was safe. The problem was that she didn’t go away. Anyone else would have, but she kept knocking. It just kept getting louder and then she spoke. “I’m not going away. I’ll just keep knocking until you answer!”
I sighed and walked to the door. I threw it open and looked at her with contempt. “What? You’re lucky I don’t blow your head off. How did you even know that I was here?” Her light blond hair was wet and hung around her slender shoulders. She was dressed in a baggy t-shirt with a Barberton Magics logo and jeans that looked a size too big. When she pushed her way inside, I could smell deodorant and a perfume that smelled like vanilla and cinnamon.
“I’ve been watching you. Don’t freak out. I swear I’m not a stalker! When I say that I’ve been watching you, I just meant that I saw you one day and I had to meet you. You almost caught me once.” She smiled and sat on the couch. It was as if she belonged there. When people tell you that they aren’t a stalker, odds are they were. Stalkers were dangerous. Anyone with half a brain should know that.
“Wait, what? You have to go.” I still stood by the door, hoping that she would be leaving, but the way she sat there told me that she wouldn’t be going anywhere anytime soon. It annoyed me and I wondered if she had always been like this or was just a trait she had picked up now that she was alone.
“Aren’t you glad to see another person? The last person I saw around here was that crazy lady. I thought for sure she was going to kill you. I’m glad she didn’t though.”
“No, I’m not glad. I like being alone.” I thought about what might happen now and all of those crazy scenarios came rushing back. The group of people that go rushing into the great unknown looking for survivors, and most important of all was leaving the safety of my home. No, she wasn’t going to rush into my sanctuary and ruin it. It didn’t matter how cute she was, I wasn’t about to ruin my solitude for anyone.
“Really? Look, I know what you’re thinking, but just hear me out. Okay?” She stood up and stood in front of me. I thought for sure she would try and touch me. I have to admit that I wanted that more than anything. She was beautiful, but also annoying. This was not my type of woman at all.
“No, now please just leave. I know what you’re looking for, and I can assure you that it’s not me.” I was close to babbling, but there was no way to stop myself.
“How do you know what I’m looking for? Maybe, I’m not looking for anything. I would kill for a che
eseburger and a hot shower though.” She laughed nervously and stared at me as if I were a ghost. I felt uncomfortable and looked away. If I wanted to, I could have easily had my way with her. A quick punch in the face and she would be mine. Obviously, she hadn’t run the outcomes through her head before deciding to approach me. That wasn’t very smart.
“Everyone’s looking for something. I hate to disappoint you but I’m no hero.” I sighed and looked at her and knew that if she stayed I would only let her down. She needed to find someone better than me.
“Did I ask for you to be? I think you have me all wrong. I get it. You see a woman all alone and you automatically think she needs protecting. Well, fuck you.” I thought for sure she would leave, but instead she glowered at me. I almost felt bad, but I knew I needed to be mean so that she would go away.
I never thought that I would find anyone else. It was naïve of me to think that way, but I did. Of all the people to find, it had to be a woman. I knew that most women didn’t need protecting but it was just ingrained into my way of thinking. Was it sexist? I guess maybe it was, but if you look at all the horror movies, all of the woman are portrayed as mindless, and even weak. They have no chance of survival and need a man to coddle them and lead them to safety. I felt like an asshole, but then again, I wanted to come across that way so she would go away. Once she was on her way, I could get back to my coloring books and Xanax.
“Look,” I began slowly. “No offense, but I don’t want you here.” It was out and there was no way to take it back. It was better to be honest than drag it out. It gave her a chance to find someone that wanted her around and had the same ideals.
“What? You’re joking right? You’re just going to throw me out?” Her voice was tinged with hurt and even a bit of anger. She looked out the window and her shoulders sagged.