by Michael Noe
Audrey liked to call herself a magnet for losers. What she wanted was someone to make her feel as if she mattered, but always fell short. She was attracted to the bad boys and I could see it didn’t work out for her. She had a lot of scar tissue and baggage. It would take a long time to earn her trust and in all honesty, I didn’t think I had that kind of time. She was an investment that I just couldn’t take a risk on. If times were different, maybe I would have, but now I just didn’t have the energy.
“Fine, but what are you going to do in the winter?”
There was a question I wasn’t expecting and I honestly hadn’t thought about the winter at all. It never even entered my mind. Why should it? I was so consumed with surviving day to day that I couldn’t see weeks or even months out. “What do you mean?” I feigned ignorance but I knew where this was going.
“Northeast Ohio in the winter. How long do you think you’re going to last when the snow starts?”
Global warming aside, I couldn’t lie my way through this one. The odds were pretty slim that I would make it very long. There was no electricity and therefore no heat. The Ohio winters could be brutal and I of course knew that, but I hated that she was right. “I’m sure I could find a propane heater somewhere. I’ll be fine.”
Now she laughed at me. It was a beautiful sound. “Oh my God. You’re deluded, you know that? Is this part of your no hero bullshit?”
It was and I wasn’t afraid to admit it. Once I followed her, there would be a huge risk of finding others who would want to join us. I saw the movies and read the books. Nothing good would come of it. The larger your party, the greater the risk of trouble finding you. I would rather freeze to death than have to help save a band of merry survivors. “It’s more than that. We don’t know what’s out there! At least here, we know that there’s no zombies. What happens once we start traveling?”
She shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know. I do agree that the zombies follow a food source. Odds are we won’t find anyone alive and if we do, so what? We can tell them to fuck right off. I traveled a lot on my own and I encountered nothing. You can stay here alone and die for all I care, but I don’t want to do this without you. I need you.”
That got my attention. She needed me? I felt my heart begin to speed up in my chest and for the first time ever I was at a loss for words. I don’t think I had ever been needed before. I wasn’t sure if I liked it. “I don’t believe that for a second.”
She walked toward me and reached for my hand. I wanted to move them out of the way but she was too fast. I knew what she wanted and I allowed myself to be guided by own emotions. We kissed and then she told me that she loved me. Was it true? At the time, maybe not, but there did come a time when she did. She did it to keep me alive. She figured that by telling me she loved me, I would allow myself to be something other than a coward. It was noble and I was grateful for the lie.
“That’s not fair.” We kissed again and I knew I was a goner. There was no way I would ever be the same. Audrey had not only been the worst woman I had ever known, but also the best.
“So I take it you’re coming?” She bit her lip seductively and that sealed it. I knew in that moment I would follow her through the gates of hell, singing Taylor Swift songs at the top of my lungs.
“Against my better judgment, yes.” I pulled her in close and kissed her nose.
“It’s going to be fine. You’ll see.”
I felt like the Joads in The Grapes of Wrath. We were heading out to find paradise, but what if we didn’t find it? What if there was nothing out there? We could be traveling forever, looking for something that didn’t exist. I wanted to believe her when she said that everything would be fine, but deep down I knew that it wouldn’t be. We were going on this journey, but so had many others. I wondered how many others were out there, just wandering around, hoping they would be safe. Leaving the house was suicidal but when Audrey looked at me, I was ready to go on this crazy ass journey without a second thought. It was unfair that she would put me in this situation but she had, and despite my hesitation, I couldn’t say no.
I understood just how blind love made you. I was whistling as I packed. The roads, for the most part, were clear. When the event happened, most people were too stunned to do anything but die. There were a few cars here and there, but we would be able to drive. It almost seemed like a vacation. We were just a couple, heading out to relax for a bit due to the stress of our daily lives. We could go anywhere and be anyone. “So beyond here, are the highways clear?”
“Surprisingly, yes. Things happened so quickly that no one really had time to go anywhere. I think we should be okay, but who knows for how long.” The thing I was most concerned with was gas. How the hell were we supposed to work the pumps without electricity? The answer was simple; we would switch cars when we got too low and just to be safe, I raided as many garages as possible in hopes of finding a few gas cans. It wasn’t ideal given the situation, but it was all I had.
“This is crazy. I can’t believe I let you talk me into this.” We were heading toward Florida for some reason. It was where Audrey was headed before taking a trip into Milford. I still didn’t know where she came from, and I guess all that mattered was that she and I ended up together. Of course, now we were headed toward the great unknown. You could have said no. I could have been curled up on my couch, popping Xanax and reading a book, but as I looked at Audrey, I knew that this was better.
“You could have stayed in your house. You just couldn’t bear the thought of being away from me. It’s romantic.” She held my hand and I shoved aside the fear that threatened to swallow me whole. Romantic? No, this was anything but romantic. It was suicidal.
“Romantic? You won’t think it’ll be so romantic when the zombies start showing up.” I shuddered at the memory of the day they swarmed in and reduced the population. There was the smell and the screaming. I still sometimes heard it in my dreams.
“You’ll protect me, won’t you?” She nuzzled closer to me and I hated to lie to her, but what choice did I have? I lied and felt no guilt whatsoever. I knew that I wouldn’t. It wasn’t in me to be a hero. She deserved to feel comforted though.
“Of course, but I thought you didn’t need a hero.”
“I don’t, but just in case, it’s good to know that you’ll be there for me.”
I told her exactly what she wanted to hear. All the bullshit she needed to feel safe and comforted, I spewed without blinking, or even thinking. I loved her so I told her lie upon lie so she would know that I loved her. Here’s the thing I learned about love. If you love someone, it’s a given that you would lay down your life for that person. I wasn’t even close to that stage yet and wondered if I ever would be. Why did love have to be so obsessive and possessive anyway?
Was it really about empty promises? I guess it must be because there were countless books and movies on the subject. I thought back to Amanda and how much I had loved her. I had never thought about giving my life to protect hers, but surely there was a time that I would have, wasn’t there? If there was, I couldn’t remember it. I hadn’t even told Audrey how I felt about her. What good would it do when we were balls deep in zombies?
“Why are you so quiet?” It was in a moment like this that I hated silence. She had stopped looking out the window and was looking at me intensely.
“I was just thinking,” I began slowly. “Where should we sleep? I don’t think we should sleep out in the open. Too dangerous.”
“Motel maybe? I’m sure we’ll find a house or something soon. You aren’t tired are you? If you are, I can drive so you can rest.” She stretched and I watched as her shirt crawled up a little, exposing her tanned belly. I wanted to kiss her stomach, and feel her nipples in my mouth. I had to look away or else I’d wreck. I needed to stay focused on the road and not day dream about seeing Audrey naked.
“I’m not, but I’m just thinking ahead is all.” I maneuvered our stolen Kia around a stalled car and wondered where the owners were
at that moment. Were they dead? Or did they find shelter somewhere in the dense woods that surrounded us? In the three hours we had been on the road, there wasn’t much to see. No zombies, no people. It was as if everyone was just gone. The road whizzed by but we hadn’t seen a soul.
“That’s good, but at some point you’re going to have to stop thinking ahead.” I couldn’t help but laugh. How was I supposed to stop thinking ahead? That was just asking for trouble. There were too many variables and too much that could go wrong. Someone had to be logical.
“This isn’t a summer vacation, Audrey. We don’t know what’s out there,” I replied angrily. She didn’t seem scared at all which worried me.
“I know that, but it won’t help either of us if we’re so high-strung we’re prepared to shoot anything that moves.”
I allowed the comment to remain unanswered and just drove. It was pointless to try and make her see just how dangerous this was. The silence was unnerving. It felt as if something was out there, just waiting for us to make a mistake. What then? I had no idea. All I could do was press forward. Audrey had gotten me into this and there was no way out. As I watched the rolling scenery, I realized that there was one option. When we stopped to rest, I could just run. Leaver her there and head back home. Fuck this traveling bullshit. This was exactly how people got themselves killed. I was becoming a horror movie cliché and I didn’t like it at all.
Chapter Ten: Another Interlude
As we headed toward our doom, (yes, I said doom) I realized that Audrey was fearless almost to the point of recklessness. She wanted to explore towns as we entered them and I often found myself wondering if maybe she wanted to die. It was possible that she was insane and hell bent on dragging me down with her. It was dangerous and we did run into people. For the most part they were docile and friendly enough, but then we hit the ones that were crazy and violent. I can’t tell you the last fight I had been in but protecting Audrey made me more aware of what I was capable of.
There was a married couple just outside of Pennsylvania who scared me because they were so damned happy all the time. It was as if nothing affected them. They had begged us to stay and we didn’t try and get them to come with us. I wasn’t sure if I could have handled all of their optimism. It was actually Audrey who mentioned that we should leave and I agreed. There was something wrong with them and I wondered if it was catching. Then you had those who were convinced that this was all the work of God and he was calling his faithful home. Those people were the worst. They would quote scripture at you and ask if you had accepted Jesus into your heart.
I was always worried about myself. Just merely surviving and now? It was more than that. I can’t tell you how many nights I had laid awake, thinking that this was the moment I was running. There was nothing out there for me at all, but then she would scoot close to me and it reminded me that I had a reason to live and I couldn’t leave if I wanted to. This was a new me. A me that was thrust into this new world, filled with love and remorse for being a coward. If I hadn’t been a coward and hid, would I have met Audrey? Would we be together? I like to think that maybe we would have met some sunny day, but the odds are pretty slim that we would have.
As I write this, I’m trying to string together the right words. This could even be my own journal, detailing a life spiraling slowly out of control. Life and death merging together to form one quivering mass of humanity. We all need hope. That’s the thing that saves us in the end, isn’t it? In the old world, we liked to cling to hope and we clutched it against us at night when the cold winds of despair blew against our fragile bodies. In the end, hope is all we really have, but it’s not guaranteed. I had hope coming out of my ears, but I knew that nothing lasted forever. All we had after all, was faith and hope.
I can tell you that I was in love with Audrey but the reality was that I was obsessed with her. There was no way around it. If she had asked me to throw myself into a pit of snarling zombies, I would have done it without a second thought. Love had made me stupid and slow. I have to admit that because it’s important. Before the world went to hell, love was something we never even questioned. We could express our feelings with flowers and empty gestures. I was in love so I hopped in a car and put myself at risk, all for a woman.
In order for any of this to make sense, you have to see that I was mad for a woman. It clouded my thinking and my judgment. Did I ever think about the risks? I did and they often consumed me. Being with her made it all worth it. I’m still in this hotel room, gazing out of an open window, (I’m on the 5th floor so there’s no risk of getting attacked) wondering if it was all worth it. That is the big question. The real moral of the story is; was it all worth it? You won’t know until this all ends. If you’re reading this, you must understand that in life there are no wrong answers. Sometimes we want everything to be easily defined, but that’s all bullshit, isn’t it?
Nothing is easily defined. It can’t be. If it could, life would become dull and predictable. We need to have something to motivate us and for me, that was Audrey. Audrey made me realize that I was far better than I ever thought I was. I was capable of doing more than hiding out and seeking out Xanax and coloring books. Life, and God are always just on the horizon. If we choose to find them, that’s on us, but once we find someone who makes all of our pieces fit, then the story changes and we find that we have purpose. Is purpose and motivation the same thing? It could be. It all depends on your perspective.
Chapter Eleven: The Road Block and The Moment I Realized I Was a Bad Ass
Once upon a time, there was a moment when road trips may have been fun. I remember when I was a kid, my parents would load up the car and we would head out to some God forsaken tourist pit. All I remember about those trips was the long car ride and the boredom. I didn’t have a brother or sister to torment so I usually just sat in the back seat with my nose stuck in a book. This was before cell phones and tablets. I had no Farm Heroes Saga to keep me from going out of my mind.
I did a fair amount of traveling for business but it was nothing like those long car trips. My parents always tried to liven it up so that it wasn’t so painfully boring, but they too would soon see how boring these trips were. Sometimes, they would get tired and argue which didn’t help me at all. In those moments, I kept expecting my dad to steer the car into oncoming traffic just so my mother would shut up. The problem wasn’t just my mom. It was also my dad, who for some reason didn’t think that anyone else had a bladder. His goal was to get wherever we were going as quickly as possible.
Audrey and I had been traveling together now for a little over two months and we were feeling the effects of the road. There were no license plate games to play and occasionally she would freak out over a stalled car. We hadn’t seen anyone and the map we had stolen from a gas station did little to ease our growing discomfort. I tried to listen to music but Audrey wasn’t a fan of prog rock so the beauty of Marillion and Yes were lost on her. The only Genesis she knew was the pop fluff that Phil Collins spewed out in their later years. She sang along with Invisible Touch but couldn’t wrap her head around Firth of Fifth.
“Who’s this?” She would ask.
“Genesis.” Her eyes would glaze over as she tried to place them. It always bothered me that the Peter Gabriel era was always glossed over for the Collins stuff. Granted, some of it was better suited to a duller audience and not the ones who enjoyed the longer, more eclectic pieces.
She would lapse into silence and I would eventually turn it off and just watch the scenery roll by. The silences were becoming more frequent, just like my parents’ had on our vacations. I expected a fight to break out yet they never did. The silence was worse because you could feel a fight brewing. The question was how long could we last like this before the storm began?
“Babe,” Audrey was pointing at something up ahead. It was a makeshift road block. Someone was trying to keep us from moving forward. There was a car stopped in the middle of the road, making it impossible to pass. “Can we g
et around it?”
I wasn’t sure. I got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. After what felt like endless miles of not seeing a damn thing, this was unsettling. “I don’t think so,” I stopped the car and threw open my door. “Stay here.” I felt my waist band for the comforting weight of the pistol and hoped I didn’t have to use it. I looked around and saw we were surrounded by thick, dense woods. There was a small path that led from the right side of the road, but nothing else. I was just glad we had this in the early afternoon.
The raspy sound of my breathing echoed in my ears. I peeked back and saw that Audrey was locking the doors. Smart girl. She must have felt the same unease I did. The road block seemed too perfect to be a coincidence. A voice to my right confirmed my suspicions.
“Well, well, well. Look what we have here!” The voice was just a bit too cheerful for my liking. As I turned around, I could see a man with long, greasy, black hair walking toward me. He was wiry thin with not a trace of muscles. He spat onto the blacktop and grinned at me.
“This your car?” I asked. The answer was obvious. He walked close enough so that I could smell his pungent aroma. His jeans looked like they hadn’t been changed in months and his white t-shirt was spotted with stains that looked like blood.
“What if it is? You want past here boy, you need to pay the toll,” He laughed and pointed at our car. “That’s one fine piece of ass you got there. Why don’t you give me her, and you can get on your merry way?”
“No deal, man. Just move your car, okay?” It took a lot of effort for me to keep my voice even. How many others had he done this to? Probably more than I cared to imagine. It was a perfect set up and most people were going to be too afraid to fight back, and if they did, there was probably more of them hidden close by.