by Moore, Lila
15
The door was locked. I slammed my shoulder against it. The door bent inwards. I focused all my anger on the locked door before me, then rammed it again. The door frame cracked; the wood splintered. With a loud snap, the door opened.
I’d put so much force into hitting it, I tumbled forward. I fell face down, but caught myself with my hands. The floor was covered in dirt and paint chips; the room smelled stale and old. With a grunt I pushed myself back up and wiped my hands on my jeans. Stumbling forward, I reached above me for the light. It took me a minute to find it. When I pulled the cord, the light snapped and sparked. I thought it would die, but with a flicker it held on, casting a dull glow on the room.
What I saw left me disappointed. The room was cluttered with unfinished paintings and empty canvases. Dried brittle paintbrushes were scattered around the room along with empty tubes of paint. I’d forgotten what a slob Tom could be. The sight made me smile. Then I remembered I was on a mission.
I pushed the paintings aside and opened drawers. The room was full of art supplies and nothing more. I went through all the containers, shelves and drawers a second time, determined to find something.
My leg was starting to ache, but I knew there was something here, something I was missing. I sat down on the floor to rest. Without thinking, I’d laid Tom’s paintings out in a circle around me. I felt lost in their shadowy world. Dark storms and rotting trees; all painted in various shades of green, brown and red, surrounded me.
When I looked at his paintings, I saw only death and destruction. Tom had seen hope.
I turned my head to the side to examine one of the bigger paintings. The dark trunk of a tree was covered in dead bark and bugs. It was then I noticed something. There was an owl hidden in the painting. It was the same color as the bark of the tree, but I could make out its big eyes and round face.
I moved closer. It wasn’t an owl- it was a woman’s face. I picked up the painting, bringing it as close to my face as I could. Up close, the woman was easier to see. She had long hair, big eyes and a pouty mouth.
I tossed the painting aside and grabbed a second. The same woman was visible in the twisted roots of a tree. I looked at a third and found my face staring back at me. I was down in the dirt, beneath the roots of the trees. My face was abstract and hard to discern, but I knew it was me.
Tom had painted me into his work along with another woman.
I started to tremble. Not with fear, but with rage. I threw the painting at the wall, then picked up another and broke it over the back of a chair. I threw everything I could get my hands on, breaking piece after piece of his treasured work.
Another woman- right under my nose this whole time. I’d been such a fool.
Once my anger was spent, I sat down heavily in the midst of the destruction I’d caused. I buried my face in my trembling hands.
Who was Tom? I thought I knew him well, but he had a hidden life, and I’d been oblivious to it our whole marriage.
A torn piece of canvas lay at my feet. The woman’s wide eyes stared up at me. I picked it up and stared closely.
“Who are you?” I asked out loud.
The woman was pretty, but in a generic way. She could have been any number of women. Besides, her face was distorted by the surreal nature of the painting. It wasn’t meant to look true to life.
“Sabine? What are you doing?”
I jumped. Maddie stood at the entrance to the art studio, gawking at me.
“Are you okay?” she asked. Her eyes drifted over the room several times before settling on my knee brace. “What happened?”
I wasn’t sure if she was referring to the room or my leg.
“A little redecorating,” I said dryly.
She didn’t laugh. I crushed the woman’s painted face in my fist and shoved the piece of canvas into my pocket.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“I’ve been calling and calling. You never return any of my calls or texts. So I decided I’d just come over.”
“Why? Is something wrong?”
Maddie tilted her head to the side and frowned. “You’ve got to stop assuming the worst all the time. You know I read that it’s actually better psychologically to be optimistic. When something bad happens, feeling surprised or disappointed is better than the alternative.”
“What’s the alternative?”
“Your worst fears being realized.”
“If something happened to Aiden I would be devastated regardless.”
“Well, of course you would, but I’m talking about the small things in life. You always assume the worst.”
I squeezed the image of the woman’s face in my fist.
“Not always,” I whispered.
If I’d been more suspicious of my husband, what would my life look like now? Would I have learned of his mistress and left him? Would he still be alive today? Would he be living a happy life somewhere with his home wrecker?
My temper flared again. After his death, I swore I’d give anything to have him back. Now that that alternative future was laid out before me, I realized what a bitter pill it would have been to swallow. I’d still take the deal though. I’d rather Tom was alive and living happily with another woman than dead.
“Anyways…” Maddie said, drawing out the word to make it sound ridiculous. “The reason I came by was because you promised to go out with me.”
“I did?”
Again, she tilted her head to the side and gave me an exhausted look.
“You said we’d get coffee sometime. I’m here to force you to keep your promise. By the looks of things, I think you’re in need of a friend to talk to.”
Before I could protest, she was at my side, helping me to my feet. She grabbed my crutches and handed them to me.
“What happened?” she asked, not for the first time.
“I slipped on the back porch and broke my knee.”
“Shouldn’t you be on bed rest?” She sounded alarmed. “You should have called me. I would have come over and helped you with Aiden. You’re in no condition to cook or clean, or run after a kindergartener.”
She was right, but I’m not sure I could stomach her high energy and perky attitude all day.
“C’mon,” she said, “we’ll have our coffee inside instead of downtown.”
Too exhausted to fight, I followed her into the house.
16
“Should I even bother to ask?” Maddie said.
She set a steaming cup of coffee before me. I sipped it and shut my eyes as the warmth moved down my throat. The rush of caffeine instantly made me feel better, more alive.
“Ask about what?”
“About what was going on out there? This isn’t healthy, Sabine.”
“I’m just now getting around to sorting Tom’s things.”
“It didn’t look like you were sorting them, it looked like you were about to burn the place to the ground.” She laughed nervously. “And what about this?” she asked.
She went over to the couch and picked up Theo’s jacket. In his rush to get Mrs. Devereaux home, he must have left it.
“Nothing,” I said dismissively.
Maddie raised an eyebrow. “It’s a men’s jacket.”
“Very observant,” I said dryly.
“So, who does it belong to?”
I rolled my eyes, but I couldn’t help smiling.
“I bet I know,” she said. “It’s that hot manny everyone’s talking about.”
“Who’s talking about him? What are they saying?”
Maddie shrugged. “He’s the hot new guy in town so people are talking.”
“What do they say?”
“Well, obviously it’s not true if he’s been spending the night over here…”
She gave me a look like she was fishing for confirmation that he had in fact spent the night. I kept my poker face.
“People are saying he’s gay,” she said.
“Why do they think that?”
“I think Mrs. Devereaux is spreading that story. Rumor has it, he turned down her advances. It just goes to show how arrogant she is. She thinks any man that could turn her down must be gay. What a narcissist.”
Had Theo turned her down? Then what was last night about? I was missing something big.
“She’s going to shit a brick when she finds out he’s been sleeping with you. She can’t stand competition.”
Too late, I thought. There was a knock at the door.
“Great. Now what…” I mumbled.
I shooed Maddie away and limped to the door. I was in no mood for company this morning. It was bad enough Maddie had found me tearing Tom’s art room apart.
I opened the door.
“Mommmmy!”
Aiden jumped at me, wrapping his arms around my waist and practically knocking me to the floor. I laughed. He hugged me like it had been months since we’d seen each other.
“Did you have a good time?” I asked.
I ran my fingers through his hair and gave him a hard look. I half expected to see some mark, or sign of injury, as a result of his time at the Devereauxes. It was a mad thought. Maybe Maddie was right; I needed to loosen up and stop worrying so much.
Aiden launched into a long-winded speech about everything he and Bella had done together. I was only half listening. My eyes were trained on Theo. He stood a few feet away, watching us.
“Mom, can I?” Aiden said.
“Can you, what?”
“You weren’t listening!”
“I know, I’m sorry.”
“Can I sign your cast?”
“I don’t have a cast. It’s a brace.”
“Can I sign it?”
“Uh… no.”
I was having a hard time focusing.
“Can I come in?” Theo asked.
Suddenly, Maddie was at my back. “I don’t think we’ve met,” she said. “I’m Sabine’s best friend, Maddie.”
Best friend? That was stretching it. Theo looked surprised to see her.
“Hello,” he said. “I’m Theo. The Devereauxes’ hired me to care for their daughter.”
“Did they?” she said, feigning ignorance.
“Maddie was just leaving,” I said.
“I- um… yeah I’ll let you two speak in private,” she replied.
She looked disappointed to be kept out of the loop. She gave me a hug and kissed my cheek.
“I’ll call you later and get all the details,” she whispered.
As if I wanted to give her all the details? Maddie had no sense of boundaries. I was happy to see her get in her car and leave. I was sure nothing would give her more pleasure than to stick around and ease drop on our conversation. She would probably tell everyone in town what we talked about. I had no doubt she’d embellish the story to make it juicier.
As she drove away an idea hit me: Maddie was one of the town’s biggest gossips. She probably knew everything, like who was cheating on their spouses? Maddie might be the key to unlocking the identity of Tom’s mistress. I wanted to call her back to the house, but it was too late. Her car pulled away in a cloud of exhaust. I frowned.
“Mama, you’re not listening- again,” Aiden said.
I could tell he’d been up all night. When he didn’t sleep his voice became high-pitched and whiny.
“I bet you and Bella were up all night playing,” I said.
Aiden wasn’t sure how to answer. He was afraid of getting into to trouble for staying up late.
“I think you should take a nap before lunch.”
“But mom…”
“You should listen to your mother,” Theo said.
Aiden sighed. “Okay.”
I led him through the house to his bedroom. Surprisingly, he didn’t fight me as much as I thought he would. He must have been really tired. When he collapsed on the bed I didn’t bother to take off his clothes. I didn’t have the energy. Besides, he looked comfortable and I didn’t want to wake him.
I limped into the living room on my crutches. Theo was standing in the kitchen, leaning against the bar. His hands were crossed in front of his chest. He looked pale and tired. Mrs. Devereaux must have kept him up all night. I didn’t want to think about it.
“Sabine-”
“Theo-”
We talked over each other.
“Go ahead,” I said.
“No, you.”
Now that I had the floor, my mind went blank.
“Did you get Mrs. Devereaux home safe?”
“Yeah. She’s fine. A mess, but…”
“She seemed pretty drunk. How did she know you were here?”
“I don’t know. The kids must have told her.”
“What did she mean when she said she was paying you to keep an eye on me?”
“She was drunk. She wasn’t thinking straight.”
I turned away from him and stared out the window. I’d left the door to the art room open. I could see inside to the mess of painting. A mad urge to burn the whole thing to the ground overwhelmed me. How would Tom react if he saw the last of his precious paintings melt in flames?
“Sabine?”
“Yeah?”
“You didn’t hear me, did you?”
“No, sorry. I didn’t get much sleep last night.”
“I knew I should have come back sooner. You’re not well.”
“I’m just tired.”
My mind was reeling from one crazy thought to the next. The discovery of Tom’s mistress had thrown me. How could I have been so oblivious? Were there signs I missed? Tom kept strange hours. He went out a lot at night, but I always trusted him. He was an eccentric artist. I didn’t find it odd that he liked to take late night walks, or that he kept odd hours. Now I knew I’d been a fool to trust him. I looked at Theo.
“Does Mrs. Devereaux pay you for anything other than babysitting?” I blurted out.
“Like what?”
He narrowed his eyes.
“I don’t know. You tell me. She shows up at my door in the middle of the night looking for you. I just thought maybe the two of you had an arrangement.”
“An arrangement? Like what? I sleep with her for money?”
I shrugged. “Maybe you do it for free. I don’t know.”
I looked back out at the art room. What sort of arrangement did Tom have with his mistress? Did she know he was married? Of course she did. They always do.
“I don’t have any ‘arrangement’ with Mrs. Devereaux. She hired me to do a job and…”
My mind wandered away. It was becoming harder and harder to focus. I pinched the bridge of my nose and rubbed my face.
“Are you okay, Sabine?”
“I’m fine. I’m always fine, right? When I’m suffering the consequences of other people’s actions, or having to endure their lies…” I gave him a pointed look. “I’m always fine.”
There was an edge of hysteria creeping into my words. I was angry and I knew Theo wasn’t telling me the full story. There was something between him and Mrs. Devereaux, a secret he didn’t want me to know about. And of course, I was angry about Tom. Only he wasn’t around anymore. The only person I could take my anger out on stood before me. I should have apologized, but I didn’t want to. It felt good to vent my frustration.
“I don’t think you’re angry at me,” Theo said.
“Don’t tell me how I feel. You’ve been lying to me since the first day I met you. You pretend to be some nice guy, but I know it’s a lie. I don’t even know who you are.”
I turned my back on him. Suddenly his hand was on my arm, turning me around.
“I’m not fucking Mrs. Devereaux. I like you a lot even though…” He released my arm and looked away.
“Even though…?”
“Even though I shouldn’t.”
I didn’t understand what he was talking about. I had the feeling he was trying to let me down gently.
“Look, I don’t need your pity. We’re both adults. If you want to fuck Mrs. Devereaux t
hat’s none of my business. Unless of course you drag your personal drama into my house in the form of your drunken, married mistress showing up at my front door in the middle of the-”
In one quick motion, Theo was pulling me to him. Hungry and searching, his lips found mine. I pressed my body against his. I should have pushed him away and kicked him out of the house, but my body had betrayed me.
I could feel his muscular chest, hard and warm through his clothes. Heat stirred inside me. I wanted to rip his clothes off and run my nails down his back.
It had been a long time since I’d been with a man. I’d forgotten what it was like.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him hard. Theo’s hands moved down my back to my ass. He squeezed hard then lifted me off my feet. I tried to wrap my legs around him, but that proved impossible. A shock of pain shot through my knee. I groaned.
“Are you okay?” he asked breathlessly.
“Yeah. Don’t stop.”
Theo carried me to my bedroom. I kicked the door shut behind us. The last thing I needed was an interruption from Aiden. I couldn’t imagine explaining this to him.
Theo and I fell onto the bed. His heavy body was on top of mine, warm and secure. It felt familiar and yet, new and exciting at the same time.
Theo kissed my neck and nibbled on my ear while his hands explored my breasts. He pulled off my shirt. I wasn’t wearing a bra. His mouth found my nipples quickly. He kissed, bit and sucked on them greedily.
I ran my fingers through his hair as he left a trail of kisses across my stomach. Then his hands were on my knee brace removing it. He sat up before me, shirtless. At some point, I’d pulled off his shirt. I couldn’t even remember doing it, but I was more than happy with what I saw. His chest was tanned and wide; his shoulder thick with muscles.
Theo removed my knee brace and started on my jeans. I leaned back and lifted my hips so he could slide them off me. He was careful so as not to hurt my leg. I didn’t want him to be gentle though; I wanted him to fuck me raw.
I sat up and kissed his chest. His skin was soft and warm beneath my lips. I ran my tongue over his nipple, teasing him as my hand slid inside his pants. I found his cock hard and ready.