by Rachel Lee
He looked away for a few beats, then spoke slowly. “It was awful when Callie got sick. Maybe when she finally died I felt some relief. For her. For me. Selfish, maybe, or just realistic. Those last few months were so hard on her. Then it hit me that I’d never see her again. I don’t have to tell you what that felt like. Purely selfish then.”
“Really?”
“Unlike you, I’d watched my wife waste away and suffer tremendous pain. I can’t help but think my grief was selfish, because she’d had enough, and wanting to keep her longer...well, that wasn’t for her benefit, was it?”
“Dan...” Vicki reached out to touch his arm, feeling such an ache for him. It reached past all her defenses, spearing her.
“It’s all right.” He gave her a crooked smile. “Long time ago, and I’ve worked through it. Grief is really something, though. It’s not enough that we miss someone so much we can barely stand it, but it gets all mixed up with other stuff, like guilt. Kinda like walking across a glacier, never knowing when you’ll hit the next crevasse.”
She nodded, agreeing with him. She let her hand fall from his arm.
“And as for that stages-of-grief thing... I don’t know about you, but they come in no particular order, and some of them keep popping up again for another go-round. It does start to get easier, though, Vicki. I can promise you that much.” He looked toward the house. “Say good-night to Lena for me. I’ll check with her tomorrow.”
Vicki watched him turn and walk across to his own front door. He waved once, then disappeared inside.
For the first time she saw Dan Casey as a man who could understand her.
Chapter Five
“When can we leave?” Krystal demanded, practically bouncing with impatience. “Soon?”
“Soon,” Vicki answered. The day of the county fair had arrived. For the past week, she and Lena had spent a lot of time putting prices on the things Lena intended to sell out of her garage that day. Vicki had often thought the prices too low.
“I just want it gone,” Lena had answered.
“You can always haggle. Start higher.”
“Ah, the garage sale guru.”
Vicki had laughed. “People expect to bargain. They’re not going to pay your asking price, no matter how low.”
Muttering something about interfering nieces, Lena had complied. She’d been running an ad in the local paper all week, and Vicki and Krystal had busied themselves putting up signs on light poles and passing out fliers. If anyone in town hadn’t heard of the sale, it would be a miracle.
Vicki gathered a handful of fliers to take with her to the fair, and glanced at her daughter. “Ready?”
Krys looked about ready to pop. “Yeah,” she said eagerly. “My pony ride. And cotton candy.”
“There’s other stuff, too,” Vicki reminded her, but these two things had been Krys’s major preoccupation all week.
They took the car, because Vicki fully expected that by the time Krys wanted to leave, she was going to be awfully tired. Vicki’s cell phone rang just as she was pulling away from the curb. She stopped to answer it.
“Hi,” said Dan’s familiar voice. He was on duty for the first half of the day. “You guys coming?”
“We’re on our way.”
“Gideon’s got the ponies here, at the north end of the field. Try to park close, because Krys gets as many rides as she wants.”
Vicki laughed. “I’ll try.” After she disconnected, she twisted to look at Krys in her booster seat in the back. “That was Dan. The ponies are waiting for you.”
Krys clapped her hands together and gave a little squeal of delight. “Oh, goody!”
All the traffic was moving in the direction of the fairgrounds, if you could call them that. It was a big vacant lot just to the west of town, on the north side of the train tracks. Bleachers had been hastily assembled, probably for the rodeo later, and plenty of folding tables had been set up beneath canopies. Just to the west of the booths a carnival had risen almost overnight, and the Ferris wheel was already spinning slowly. To the north side of that were some ramshackle lean-tos that Vicki assumed held prize livestock hoping for blue ribbons.
The fair wasn’t huge, but it was big enough. An afternoon might be sufficient for an adult, but for Krystal it might be too much to do. A man in a reflective vest, holding an orange-coned flashlight, directed her toward a row of parked cars. She slipped into place and turned off the ignition. They’d arrived.
Overhead, a blindingly blue sky held only a few puffy clouds, what a pilot she had once known called “popcorn clouds.” Rain later? Well, now was not the time to wonder.
She helped Krys out of her booster seat. “Now remember, don’t let go of my hand and don’t wander away from me.”
“I won’t.” But Krys’s eyes were already on the delights awaiting her, her head full of excited anticipation.
“Krys,” Vicki said firmly.
The girl looked at her.
“Rules?”
“Hold your hand and don’t go away from you.”
Satisfied, Vicki locked the car and held out her hand. Krystal took it and skipped alongside her.
“What first?” Vicki asked as they approached the gate, even though she already knew the answer.
“Ponies!”
She laughed. As they reached the gate, she saw a face that had become familiar from somewhere. “Howdy,” the man said. “You’re Vicki Templeton?”
“Yes, I am, and this is my daughter, Krys. And you are?”
“Jake Madison, sometimes chief of police. We met when you were out walking with Dan. Right now I’m temporary ticket-seller extraordinaire. Make sure you come by the sheds to see my prize Angus.” He winked. “She’ll be heartbroken if you don’t.” Then he reached into his hip pocket and pulled out a white envelope. “Dan Casey left this for you. Come on in. Your entrance is already paid.”
Once they passed the gate, Vicki looked in the envelope. “Oh, my!”
“What, Mommy?” Krys asked, tugging impatiently at her hand.
“Dan left us tickets for everything. All the rides, the rodeo...”
“Cool. Can we see the ponies now?”
Vicki looked around, trying to locate them. The north side, Dan had said.
Jake called out. She turned and he pointed. “Dan said ponies first.”
Vicki had to laugh. An orchestrated day at the fair, and she didn’t feel at all suffocated. She tucked the envelope full of tickets into her old fanny pack, which she wore around front so she could get to it, and the two of them set off.
The dry grass, already fairly well crushed even though it was still early, crunched beneath her feet. Tinny, cheerful music issued from loudspeakers on poles. The narrow paths between booths weren’t overly full of people yet, but everyone nodded and smiled, and she returned the greetings. She found the booth to leave the flyers for Lena’s garage sale, and the two women there oohed over Krys, who kept impatiently pulling Vicki toward the ponies.
Little kids bounced along like balloons that were barely tethered to the ground. Older kids wandered in small groups, most of them eating something, most of it food on a stick. Everything looked deep-fried one way or another. The only thing Vicki didn’t see were the deep-fried turkey legs that were a staple at home.
At home. She caught herself. This was their home now.
They found the ponies without any trouble. A rope corral strung from metal posts contained four Shetlands, all saddled and ready, and tethered to the rope.
A strongly built man sat in a folding chair nearby, wearing jeans, cowboy boots, a plain Western shirt and a battered cowboy hat. He stood as they approached, and smiled. Very definitely Native American, he had his long black hair caught in a thong at the nape of his neck.
“Gideon Ironheart,” he said, holding out his hand and shaking Vicki’s. “The Templetons?”
“That’s us.” Vicki smiled. “I’m Vicki and—”
“I’m Krys,” the little girl announced, boun
cing on her toes. “These are real ponies?”
Gideon squatted to her eye level. “They sure are. Just about your size. What do you think?”
Krys studied them. “They’re not too big.”
“That’s why I brought them. Smaller people can get afraid of the big horses. I know dogs that are bigger than my Shetlands.”
Krys giggled. “You’re teasing me.”
“Not really.” But he winked. “Wanna take a ride?”
Oh, yes, she did. Gideon helped her into one of the miniature saddles, adjusting the stirrups for her, showing her how she should press her feet into them. He kept up a patter the whole time, telling her the horse was called Belle, and her favorite thing in the whole world was a carrot.
Vicki realized her cheeks hurt from grinning so widely. She couldn’t remember having felt this good in a long time, and she just loved watching Krys have so much fun.
“The pony ride’s a success, huh?”
She turned her head to see Dan standing beside her. Everything inside her lurched when she saw he was in full uniform, gun on his hip. A tan deputy’s uniform was different from the Austin PD’s blue, but not different enough. It reminded her sharply that this man lived a life she wanted no part of ever again. But even as fear tugged her in one direction, attraction pulled her in a very different one. The man could have posed for a movie poster. Male to the last inch of him.
He’d been watching Krystal and smiling, but he looked at her when she didn’t answer immediately.
“Yes,” she said, finding her voice. “She’s loving it. I can’t thank you enough for all of this, including all the tickets. You didn’t have to do that.”
“No, I didn’t. I wanted to. Some dreams just need to come true. Are you taking pictures? Because you’ll never again see your four-year-old taking her first pony ride. I’ve got to keep circulating, but I’ll be done early this afternoon. I hope I catch up to you.”
He nodded and moved on, leaving Vicki with the feeling she needed to catch her breath. She pulled her cell phone out of her fanny pack and snapped some photos of Krys as Gideon led her on horseback around the small corral. Her daughter, who had appeared nervous at first, had now relaxed and was enjoying repeated turns around the small corral.
Other little kids were beginning to line up for rides, too, and soon two tall teenage boys appeared. One glance at them said they were related to Gideon. Soon other children were mounted and riding around, led by the boys.
And soon enough Krys’s first pony ride came to an end.
*
By early afternoon, Krys seemed worn out by all the stimulation. There had been rides that had left her shrieking with delight, stops to play various games. She’d had her face painted, and taken another ride on the ponies, and now even Vicki was starting to forget everything they’d done. She finally found them some food that wasn’t deep-fried, and a place at a picnic table under a canopy. Since the girl had been running at full tilt since she’d awakened that morning at six, Vicki was concerned that she needed a rest break. Krys was eager to eat her nachos and chili, and kept worrying that her face paint would disappear.
“If it does, we’ll go get some more.”
That settled her, and she dived into her meal with all the energy and concentration she’d expended on every one of her new experiences that day.
The breeze felt good to Vicki, as did the shade. Being from Austin, she was used to a more brutal sun, but that didn’t mean she never wanted to escape it. Probably time to put on more sunscreen, too.
“Hi, ladies.” Dan approached smiling, still in uniform. Despite her reaction to the fact, Vicki couldn’t help noticing how well he filled it out. A powerful figure of a man.
Vicki managed to smile back despite wishing he could change into civvies. Inwardly, she scolded herself, though. This was the same man who was becoming a friend to her and her daughter, and no uniform could change that. But her reaction to it told her she had some serious thinking to do.
Maybe she had moved Dan into a different category without realizing it. Maybe she had successfully managed to forget what he did for a living. Nothing else could explain her earlier reaction to seeing him in uniform. It shouldn’t have felt like such a shock.
He sat across from them with a paper plate full of various foods on sticks, and a stack of paper napkins. “Been having fun?” he asked.
“Yup,” Krys answered, her mouth still full of nachos.
Dan looked at Vicki and she nodded, smiling. “We’ve been running ourselves ragged. I think we tried a little bit of almost everything.”
“I still want my cotton candy,” Krys announced.
“After lunch,” Vicki promised.
“There are rules even at the fair,” Dan remarked. He was grinning at Krys.
“And another pony ride,” she said stoutly.
“If Mr. Gideon has time. Lots of other kids want pony rides, too,” Vicki said.
“What about the rodeo?” Dan asked.
She hesitated. She liked rodeos well enough, although she preferred small local ones to the big affairs some places held, where everyone was a pro. But while she’d expressed interest, she’d begun to question whether it would be a good experience for Krys at her age. Remembering the tickets in the envelope, she knew Dan had bought them admission, and it would seem rude, but...
As Dan noticed her silence, his grin faded and his gray eyes caught hers. “There could be lots of reasons for skipping the rodeo,” he said, barely audible over the endless music playing from speakers, and the crowd noises.
“Like someone being so young.”
“Hadn’t thought about that.” He glanced toward Krys. “Is someone counting on it?”
Vicki shook her head. Her daughter hadn’t said a word about going to the rodeo, probably because she had no idea what one was. Vicki had been thinking about it in odd moments throughout the morning, and wondering if it might scare or upset Krys. All those bucking horses and bulls, riders being thrown to the ground...how would she interpret that? And what if something went wrong?
“I always thought,” Dan said, “that a rodeo was like waiting for an accident.”
Vicki blinked. “You don’t like them?”
“Not my most favorite thing. The cowboys around here like a chance to show off, and some are pretty good. Still not my favorite thing. I spend a lot of time wincing for other people.”
That brought a laugh from her. “Good description.” At least she knew now that he wouldn’t be offended if they didn’t go.
“Peggy!” Krystal nearly screamed in her delight. Dan rose to his feet to greet Janine and her daughter, and soon they were all seated around the same table.
“George couldn’t make it.” Janine screwed up her nose. “And Peggy couldn’t wait for tomorrow. Lena’s still working her garage sale? She ought to be able to close that down soon.”
“Unless it’s going well. Are you taking Peggy to the rodeo?”
Janine shook her head. “Absolutely not. Those idiots are welcome to break their necks to prove their machismo, but I don’t have to watch. What are you guys doing this afternoon?”
“At least one more pony ride and cotton candy. Beyond that... I think we’ve done everything that Krystal wanted to.”
Krystal and Peggy chattered happily to each other about the things they’d done. Vicki thought Dan had to be feeling like a fifth wheel. He sat there eating, occasionally smiling. For the first time, it struck Vicki that it couldn’t be easy for him to see families when he had none of his own. He seemed to like kids, but he didn’t have any. A wave of sadness washed over her. Life could be cruel sometimes. Terribly cruel.
When he spoke, it was to bid them farewell. “I’ve got to clock out and get home. I’m going to see how Lena’s doing. You all have a great time.”
Then Krystal said something that froze Vicki’s breath in her chest.
“Don’t leave, Dan.” She turned toward him and threw her arms around him. “Don’t leave.�
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*
That night, Vicki sat on the front porch swing. Krys had fallen into an exhausted sleep, and the only altercation they’d had was over the face paint. Finally, her daughter had agreed to having her face washed. Little was left anyway but a smear, and while Krys demanded they go back tomorrow for more, Vicki hadn’t caved. She probably would, though. Krys’s words still rang loudly in her head. Don’t leave, Dan.
Lena poked her head out. “Young or old, depending on how you look at things, I’m taking my weary butt to bed.”
“It was a good garage sale.” Lena had spoken about it at dinner.
“Better than I expected. People will probably be bringing trailers off and on for the next few weeks to pick up their purchases, but I’ve only got two unsold pieces. I’ll probably donate them.” Then Lena stepped out. “Are you okay, Vicki?”
“I’m fine. Chasing Krys today wore me out a bit. She was running on excitement. I was just trying to keep up.”
Lena laughed. “Now you know why children are born to young people. She sure talked about it at dinner. Good night.”
“Sleep well.”
“No question of that,” Lena answered, then disappeared inside.
With one leg curled under her, Vicki used her toe to push the swing gently. It was a beautiful night, cooling down rapidly, but she was learning. She’d brought an afghan to wrap herself in.
Twice since moving here, Krys had expressed the fear that someone was going to leave her. Vicki had been hoping her daughter didn’t have much memory of her father’s death, that she could move on more easily because she wouldn’t remember much except what Vicki told her.
But apparently, emotional connections ran deeper than memory, and this move might have reawakened a fear that Krys hadn’t been able to express before.
Vicki heard a sound and looked next door, to see Dan step out onto his own porch. His house was smaller than Lena’s, but it had been built when every house had a porch.
Evidently, he heard the swing creaking, because he turned toward her.
“Beautiful night,” he said.
“It sure is.”
“Do you want company or solitude?”