by Rachel Lee
Random thoughts flitted around in her head, a break from more serious occupations. She must need it.
Downstairs she found Krys, who had dressed herself in her favorite T-shirt and jeans, with pink running shoes, practically bouncing up and down in her excitement. Lena appeared ready to go with them, and she remarked, “Dan’s going to meet us there.”
Well, well, Vicki thought sourly. One big happy family outing. Shame filled her an instant later. She really had to do something about her resistance to friendship. All Hal’s friends had ever tried to do was help in every way that they could think of, and if it had overwhelmed her, maybe she should have found a way to let them know that she needed space, rather than running away.
But run away she had. Now she was here, and trying to fall back into her old habitual thinking. She looked at Krys as she put her in her booster seat, and wondered if she needed a mental health check. She’d run, claiming she felt smothered, and had perhaps caused her daughter more problems. Moving hadn’t sound like such a bad thing when she had justified it, including thoughts of Krys that had always ended with Well, she’s so young.
“Yeah,” Vicki muttered to herself. Maybe she had utterly misjudged how much more secure her daughter might have felt in familiar surroundings. She guessed now she had a whole load of new guilt to live with, because she couldn’t take back her decision.
“Mommy?”
She finished buckling the harness and looked at Krys. “What, honey?”
“You sound grumpy.”
Caught, Vicki almost colored. “I’m a little mad at myself,” she admitted.
Krys touched her cheek with small, soft fingers. “Don’t be mad, Mommy. This is fun.”
Wisdom from a child, Vicki thought, as she climbed in behind the wheel. Lena was already in the passenger seat.
“Maybe you need to talk a bit later,” Lena remarked casually. “Been getting that feeling. I’m available. So’s Dan if you want a man’s perspective. Although to my way of thinking, us gals do a better a job of the thinking part.”
A small laugh escaped Vicki. “Maybe so.”
*
As it was Sunday morning, the fair wasn’t as crowded yet as yesterday. Most people were probably in church, Vicki thought, and knew another pang of guilt. That was something else she’d let slip since Hal. It might be good for Krys, the nursery school, the Bible school classes. Or then again...
“You went away again,” Lena said as they walked toward the ponies. “What’s going on?”
Vicki took the safe path. “Just wondering about church around here. I haven’t taken Krys in a long time. Would you recommend one?”
“Good Shepherd,” Lena answered promptly. “Good pastor, nice folks for the most part. Great children’s programs from what I hear. But don’t be rushing into it.”
Vicki, whose arm was swinging as Krys hung on to her hand and skipped beside her, looked at her aunt. “Are you trying to say something?”
Lena snorted. “Not in front of the girl. You may not approve of my heretical notions.”
That surprised a laugh from Vicki and she let the subject go.
Gideon Ironheart was there with his ponies and welcomed them warmly. Then he introduced them to a teenage girl. “Kiana, my daughter. Took me a while to get her away from her swords and sorcery games.”
Kiana, who had long, inky hair and beautiful dark eyes, laughed and gave him a shove on his shoulder. “I’m only impossible part of the time, Dad.”
Gideon’s eyes crinkled as he looked at Vicki. “She takes after her mother.”
“Like you’re easy?” Kiana asked. She squatted down and held out her hand. “You must be Krystal? That’s such a pretty name. My dad says you liked Belle a whole lot yesterday. Wanna feed her a carrot?”
Krys, her eyes huge, nodded. She took Kiana’s hand and let herself be led over to the string of ponies.
“Break out that camera, Vicki,” Lena said.
Vicki was already reaching for it. Any nervousness she might have been feeling vanished the instant the pony snatched the carrot from Krys’s tiny hand and the girl laughed with sheer delight. Kiana then showed her how to pet the horse, and soon it was clear Krys felt she’d made a friend for life.
Kiana seemed endowed with amazing patience for someone her age. She walked the horse and Krys around the small corral countless times, all the while chatting with her about horses and how she could come up to the ranch anytime Kiana was home and Vicki could bring her. The teen talked about the dozens of horses her dad had, and all the work involved in caring for them. “They say,” she told Krys, “that my dad is a horse whisperer.”
“What’s that?”
“He speaks in a way the horses understand.”
“Oh, I wanna hear!”
“It’s not something you hear,” Kiana said. “I’ll get Dad to show you someday.”
“My daddy’s dead.”
Silence ensued. Vicki’s heart plunged so fast she felt as if she were in free fall. A strong hand gripped her elbow and it was a moment before she realized Dan had joined them. “Easy,” he murmured. “Take it easy.”
Vicki didn’t know what else she could do. If Krys had mentioned it, then she’d needed to say it. Everything now depended on a girl who couldn’t be more than sixteen.
“I’m sorry,” Kiana said. “You miss him?”
“I have his picture in my playroom.”
“That’s good,” Kiana replied.
“He sees me,” Krys said with absolute certainty. “Is Belle sleepy?”
“Not yet. Are you?”
“Nope.” Another word she had learned from Peggy. “I like this lots!”
“Belle likes little girls like you, too. When I was smaller, she was my favorite. Now I have to ride bigger horses.”
Finally, Kiana called a halt, explaining that she didn’t want Krys to get saddle sore. Then she had to explain what that meant. “You won’t be able to sit down for a few days.”
The thought made Krystal giggle, and she accepted that her ride had come to an end. They moved on, with an invitation from Gideon and his daughter to come up to the ranch soon. That seemed to thrill Krys, who announced in no uncertain terms that she wanted to see bigger horses.
More people were arriving, and tempting smells were issuing from a lot of the food booths. Silence had fallen over the three adults, but Krystal skipped merrily along, hunting for the face painter. When they reached the booth, her face sagged. “She’s gone!”
“Maybe she’s just late,” Dan said. “A lot of people come late on Sunday. Are you hungry? Because I sure am.”
Vicki’s stomach growled as if in answer, making everyone, including her daughter, laugh. “I guess I am,” she said, laughing at herself and shrugging.
“Well,” said Lena, “there are two good reasons to ignore a diet. This is one of them. Let’s go stock up on all the fat we can find.”
“What’s the other one?” Krys asked.
“To break a diet? Holidays, like Christmas and Thanksgiving.”
Krys slipped her hand into Lena’s. “Can I pick?”
“Anything you want.”
Dan, walking beside Vicki, said, “You weren’t really thinking you could feed her fiber and low-fat, were you?”
Vicki had to laugh again. “I don’t do that to her. Balance is my goal. No balance today, I guess.”
Krys got the corn dog she’d wanted the previous day, and a deep-fried pastry that was loaded with powdered sugar. Vicki gave in and had a corn dog, too. Dan once again filled a plate with a variety of fried foods, and Lena chose a big order of fries. “Fried in lard,” she said with satisfaction.
At long last, Vicki allowed herself to really look at Dan. She’d been avoiding it since he’d gripped her elbow, but as the four of them sat at a picnic table, there was no way to avoid it any longer. Out of uniform today, he looked amazing in a blue chambray shirt that stretched across his broad shoulders. A cowboy hat, clearly one that had seen a lo
t of use, was tipped back on his head. Behind the table, his narrow hips were concealed, but Vicki couldn’t help remembering them, anyway. If ever a man had been built for jeans, it was Dan Casey.
Without realizing it, she slipped into a dreamy state of mind, into a place where she and Dan were alone, where everything else had ceased to exist. Absently, her eyes wandered his face, remembering how his lips had felt on hers, how his arms had felt around her. Her whole body craved a repetition, and finally she closed her eyes, letting the anticipation and hunger fill her. Why not? At the moment she was safe, and daydreaming wasn’t a crime.
“...in Denver.”
Abruptly, before her daydream could turn her into a torch, Vicki snapped back into the conversation. “Denver?” she repeated.
“You’re falling asleep there, Vicki,” Lena remarked. “Do we need to get you home?”
“Face painting,” Vicki said automatically. “Not before that. You said something about Denver?”
“It’s that time of year,” Lena explained. “The girls and I go on our big shopping trip, take in a play or a concert. Which reminds me, we’re playing bridge tonight. You want to join us?”
Vicki shook her head. “Thanks, but I’m not much into cards. When are you going?”
“Next weekend. Everybody—well, except me, of course—ditches their husbands and we have a hen party. Maybe when Krys is a little older you can join us.” Lena laughed. “By then you’ll be eager to see a city again.”
Vicki managed a laugh, but she felt strangely disoriented. Lena was going away for a weekend. Why should that bother her? What was going on inside her?
Then her gaze leaped across the table. Dan was looking toward Lena, for which Vicki was grateful, because she feared what he might see on her face in that instant. Lena was going away. That meant her chaperone would be gone.
Only then did she realize how much she was relying on Lena to keep her safe from temptation.
Vicki looked down at her plate and decided that she really, really needed to get her head straight. Any more self-delusion might get her into serious trouble.
Daydreaming about a man in a dangerous profession, and then expecting her aunt’s presence to protect her from her foolishness? Oh, boy. She’d been in a cocoon too long. She was a grown woman and needed to deal better than this.
Krys put an end to her soul-searching. “I want my face painted now.”
Vicki looked at her half-eaten corn dog and knew she couldn’t swallow another mouthful. “Let’s go, then, kiddo. Aunt Lena and Dan can catch up when they’re done.”
Escape. Right then she needed it.
*
The following Friday night, Lena left for her bridge game about five thirty. “Call me if you need anything,” she said as she prepared to go. “I’ll try to be back before eleven.”
“Take your time and have fun.”
“We will. A bunch of husbands have probably already headed for Mahoney’s Bar.” She laughed as she walked out.
Vicki had been looking forward to an evening alone with Krys. While she enjoyed sharing the house with Lena, it had seriously cut into their mother-daughter alone time. Early morning over breakfast, weeknights when they’d spent hours playing games or just watching TV. Admittedly, there hadn’t been a whole lot of that, thanks to Hal’s friends, but there had been more of it when she was living alone with her daughter.
But almost as soon as Lena was gone, Vicki realized how big and empty the house felt now, even with Krystal’s energy practically filling the place.
“Should we go for a walk?” she asked. Bedtime seemed out of the question if the girl didn’t slow down a bit.
“’Kay,” Krys answered.
Hand in hand, they started down the sidewalk, bathed in the pleasant summer evening that lasted so much longer here. “Let’s practice crossing streets,” Vicki suggested.
Krys grinned up at her. Wired or not, the girl seemed happier since the fair. Vicki’s heart settled a bit and she gave her daughter’s hand a squeeze. It was going to be all right.
*
Dan, wearing a long-sleeved gray shirt, jeans and jogging shoes, was sitting on his own front porch, doing some heavy thinking, one foot propped against the porch rail.
He saw Krys and Vicki walk away down the tree-lined street. They made a cute pair, Vicki wearing a lavender T-shirt and jeans, and Krys skipping along beside her in the pink that appeared to be her favorite color. They hadn’t glanced in his direction, and for some reason he’d failed to call out a friendly greeting.
Of course, he’d been trying to keep a low profile since the fair. He wasn’t a dunce. As a cop he’d gotten really good at reading people, and he’d picked up on cues that Vicki wasn’t entirely comfortable with the amount of time he spent around her and her daughter.
He understood. He was a cop, after all, and he hadn’t missed Vicki’s startled reaction when she’d seen him in full uniform last Saturday at the fair. Bad reminders. And from what she’d said about being afraid every time her husband had gone out the door, Dan got it.
He idly wondered if telling her that a cop was three times more likely to be struck by lightning than killed on the job would help her relax, then decided little could probably do that in the wake of Hal’s death. Availability bias. He’d studied it in one of his college classes. She was seeing the whole world now through a single incident. As for whether her fears all along had been as great as she’d said, or amplified by Hal’s murder, there was no way to know.
He had known cops who thought they were in danger every time they went on duty. They expected it. Funny thing was, expecting it seemed to cause it. Yet some recent stats he’d read said about 90 percent of cops retired without ever having fired their guns except on the practice range. He’d likely be one of them.
He sighed, and knew he was having a pointless argument with himself, because he doubted any of that would persuade Vicki. He didn’t see his job as at all dangerous. Domestics were the only time he got edgy. But how he felt about it couldn’t change the way Vicki felt.
Feelings were immutable things. Burned deep, they guided actions more than thought. You sure as hell couldn’t reason with a feeling, no matter how hard you might try.
Which was part of what was giving him a problem. His feelings for Vicki were going places he was sure she didn’t want. He should never have kissed her. Doing so had started a wildfire in him that wouldn’t listen to his brain. He wanted that woman. He liked that woman. As for her daughter...well, he was fast coming to love that little girl. It was far too easy to imagine a future that contained both of them.
His foolishness almost amused him. He wasn’t usually a foolish man, although like everyone else, he had his moments.
So he’d been staying away to give Vicki the space she seemed to want, and to avoid enhancing Krystal’s attachment to him. That, too, had caused concern to flicker over Vicki’s face a time or two. The woman was under enough stress with just the move. She didn’t need to be wondering if her daughter was growing too close to a man she didn’t want to become a permanent fixture.
Dang! The spinning of his own thoughts was growing frustrating. It should be so simple. Dan wanted the woman, and if something grew between them, he’d gladly welcome her daughter, too. No problem there.
Except Vicki. He knew damn well she wanted him, too, but she was afraid of it. Kinda turned things into an emotional time bomb.
But Vicki was creeping into his dreams, popping up in his thoughts without warning, and every time he thought about her he hardened a bit. Well, that wasn’t enough for the long term.
Staying away this week had been tough. It was not only putting a distance between him and Lena, but he found himself wondering every evening what Krys and Vicki were doing. Missing them.
So he was a damned fool. Fair enough. There ought to be some reasonable way to handle this that didn’t involve avoiding the three of them entirely. Lena must be wondering what the devil was going on, and he prized h
er friendship.
At least he had a game to coach tomorrow. That would help. And two nights this week he’d had a game to play in. That helped, too. Maybe he needed to take up some additional sports. Bowling?
He could have laughed at himself. He liked bowling well enough, but not enough to commit to a team. Anyway, his schedule was often erratic. Hard enough to keep up with baseball and the soccer team he coached.
But he was aware of something else changing in him, too. He’d rather sit here on his front porch mooning over Vicki than go down to Mahoney’s and join the others to watch a game and have a few beers. Oh, that was bad.
He waved absently as cars drove by, passed some idle words with his neighbors who were out strolling, but all that seemed to barely scrape his internal fascination with thinking about Vicki.
The street quieted down as twilight descended. Fewer cars, almost no people now. Everyone was headed home to spend the rest of the night with a book or the TV.
Which was what he ought to do, instead of trying to solve unsolvable problems.
Removing his foot from the porch railing, he stood, deciding to go inside and pick up that book he needed to finish. Some distraction would do him good.
“Dan!”
His hand had just reached for his door latch when he heard Krystal call out. He almost pretended not to hear her, but then he heard something else that made him pivot quickly.
It all happened so amazingly fast, but in that instant time seemed to slow to a crawl. The sound of a car coming way too fast. Vicki crying her daughter’s name. Everything suddenly became acutely clear, from the deepening shadows, the car coming at a fast clip without headlights, the leafy trees motionless as if frozen.
The girl had slipped away from her mother and was running out into the street, heedless of the car. Vicki hit a dead run. So did Dan.
With horror, he saw Vicki trip over a tree root and land on the ground. Saw Krystal still running his way. Gauged the distance and started an almost incoherent prayer in his head as he hit top speed and ran into the street to grab the girl.