by Rachel Lee
“Except for the separation anxiety. I hope that passes.”
“Too soon to be sure, but she also seems resilient. We must have scared the dickens out of her last night, but she seems fine today.”
She certainly did, Vicki thought. Unlike her mother. But maybe that was a blessing of childhood. Last night had scared her, but today everything was happy and upbeat again. Vicki could take some lessons from her. “She seems to have an innate wisdom.”
“Or maybe she’s far more willing to live in the moment than adults. We’re always thinking about tomorrow, or the past, and often overlooking the moment right in front of us.”
“Too true,” Vicki acknowledged. “Except when we get shocked out of our shoes. That kind of wakes us up.” But maybe only briefly. How much time had she spent thinking about last night, instead of just being grateful she still had Krys? Except for a short time when she had felt the blessing, she’d been back-and-forthing about things that had happened and things that might never happen.
“Seems to be human nature after a certain age. God knows how much time I could have spent with Callie that got wasted because I was so busy with anger and grief in anticipation of losing her. Unfortunately, I don’t think we can change the way we’re built. Nor, I suspect, would the world do so well if nobody learned from the past or looked toward the future.”
Vicki gave a quiet laugh. “True. But we could probably spend a little more time actually being here and now.”
“Worth a try.”
They heard the back door open. Vicki snatched her hand back instantly and Lena entered the kitchen carrying two cloth totes. “Get ready, folks. The butcher will never forget my visit. Big juicy T-bones, specially cut. Dan, you’re in charge of grilling. Found some good sweet corn, too, so, Vicki, you can wrap the corn for the grill. You up to it?”
“I thought you didn’t want to cook,” Vicki said, smiling.
“Did I say I was cooking? I seem to be designating everyone else.”
Krystal appeared in the doorway, rubbing her eyes. “Can I help, too?”
“See?” said Lena with satisfaction. “Pass me a mint julep. Y’all just got your orders.”
Chapter Eight
Watching Lena and her friends depart for Denver turned into a hoot. Six ladies had to load two cars with luggage, decide who was going to sit where and try to decide what hotel to stay in. Vicki suspected some of the lighthearted arguing was for the benefit of their audience, herself and Krys. Finally, Lena jammed her last bag into the back of Rebecca’s Toyota.
“It’s only three days,” Vicki teased. “How are you going to bring anything home with you?”
Rebecca, a slender woman of Lena’s age, laughed. “That’s what laps and half the backseat are for. Although one year we rented one of those little trailers.”
Vicki blinked. “For real? What in the world did you buy?”
“Too much,” Lena said drily. “We’re older now. We take it to the post office and ship it home.”
All the women started laughing and were still laughing when at last they set out.
The Friday afternoon was bright and warm. Vicki took Krystal to the park for a playdate with Peggy, and spent the time talking with Janine Dalrymple and a few other women, one who pushed a stroller back and forth steadily as she watched her two-year-old son play. Her infant slept peacefully the whole time.
In fact, the whole scene was peaceful and nearly perfect. Vicki felt herself uncoiling, in part because she loved the sound of children having a good time.
When the other women learned she had taught kindergarten in Texas, they suddenly bubbled with ideas for her. “You should try to teach at the preschool at Good Shepherd,” one said. “I think they need more help.”
“Or start your own,” said another. “Good Shepherd is too crowded.”
“That would be too expensive,” Janine said, before Vicki could point it out. “A building, a playground, licensing, hiring other people... That’s why the only one we have is at a church.”
“I was thinking something else,” said the other woman, Daisy. “More like just a couple of hours a day, where kids could get a leg up on reading, the alphabet, numbers. The academic stuff. More personalized attention.”
That actually appealed to Vicki. Even though she’d applied for a license here before she’d left Austin, she wasn’t sure she was ready to get back into full-time teaching. Her decision to be available to Krys after Hal’s death remained with her. It was too soon, especially considering Krys’s separation anxiety, for Vicki to be gone all day. She understood plenty of other mothers weren’t blessed with her choices, but since she was, she had chosen what she thought was best.
Which, as with so many things in parenting, might be a two-edged sword.
“I’ll think about it,” she said as Daisy continued to press her. Vicki returned her attention to Krys, who was now on a swing, talking to another girl as they passed each other in endless arcs. It was also possible that Vicki was making Krys more dependent on her. Crap. Were there no easy, clear answers?
After the park, they walked to town. Krys wanted a hamburger, and since it had been a while since the last junk meal, Vicki decided to give it to her. Besides, she didn’t feel like cooking tonight. Her mind seemed preoccupied, though she wasn’t exactly sure why.
Dan had been among the missing most of the week, although he had a reason for it. They were approaching championship season in baseball, which seemed a little ludicrous to her. Apparently, the Little League needed some extra umpires, so he was there every evening he could be, helping out. At least he’d dropped by on his way home, staying for a brief chat with her and Krys.
Vicki missed him, and was surprised that Krys hadn’t been carrying on about it. She always greeted him with huge excitement, but didn’t seem to have a problem with him being needed elsewhere. Once, Krys had said that she wanted to go to a baseball game, and Vicki had promised they’d go next week.
She was just entering the courthouse square, right before the turn to Maude’s, when she saw Dan come out of the sheriff’s office. Once again, for the first time since the fair, she saw him in full uniform. Her heart jolted and she would have frozen in place if Krys hadn’t spied him and cried his name. It’s not the same, Vicki told herself. Hal’s uniform had been dark blue. This uniform was khaki. Different.
Oh, hell, it wasn’t different at all. The badge, the belt with the gun, the white plastic restraints hanging like loose loops on his hip...no, it wasn’t different.
Dan heard Krys call his name. He smiled and waved, and trotted toward them, making an exaggerated effort to look in every direction before crossing the street. In spite of herself, Vicki had to laugh.
“Two of my favorite ladies,” he said warmly when he reached them. “How’s my pumpkin?” he asked as he lifted Krys for a hug.
“Super,” Krys answered, her new favorite word. “I’m getting a hamburger.”
“Oh, that sounds yummy. No pickles, right?”
“Nope. Mommy always gets pickles.” Krys made an exaggerated face.
“So she’s a sourpuss?”
That sent Krys into a gale of laughter as Dan set her down. He smiled at Vicki. “How’s Mom doing?”
“I’m just fine,” she answered. “Are you off on an important mission?”
“Actually, I was about to go in search of food. We had a busy day, and I haven’t eaten since breakfast. I was thinking about calling you and asking if you wanted me to bring dinner home with me, but you beat me. Mind some company?”
“Of course not.”
Krys clung to both their hands as they walked, crossing one more street, then turning toward the City Diner.
“What was so busy?” Vicki asked.
“Youthful miscreants. Too much time on their hands this summer, school’s about to start again, and I guess they figured this was their last chance to misbehave. Heck, I don’t know. The Little League championships have some people wound up, too, and a lot of f
olks have come to town for the weekend games.”
“For real?” It amazed her.
“Hey, for some it’s important. Important enough to overimbibe, to forget that the sun is supposed to pass the yardarm first...you get the idea. Speeders, vandals and inebriates, and some fisticuffs. You could almost swear something gets into the water from time to time.”
She noted the way he tried to phrase it so Krys couldn’t follow, and Vicki expected a raft of questions from her daughter. But Krys seemed to be more interested in getting to the diner.
“Summer’s almost over,” Dan said as they approached the restaurant. “The last hurrah. Until cabin fever sets in sometime this winter, anyway.”
Coming from Texas, Vicki couldn’t imagine summer being over already. “I’d still be thinking fall was a bit down the road in Austin.”
“I imagine so,” he said as he opened the door. “We’ll probably see our first snow flurry here while you Texans are just starting autumn. Or not.” He looked down at Krystal. “Ever been sledding?”
She shook her head.
“We will definitely have to take care of that.”
She imagined sitting behind Dan on a sled, her legs and arms wrapped around him, and decided they would definitely have to try sledding. A small smile danced across her face.
The place was fairly crowded, but Dan managed to get them a table near the window. Or maybe Maude, the owner, did. She kind of pushed them toward it.
“She’s sweet on you,” Vicki couldn’t resist murmuring to Dan, although she suspected she might be projecting her own feelings. Was she getting sweet on him? Instead of being terrified by the thought, she actually tucked it away and savored it.
“Hey, I’m a sweet guy.” He winked humorously.
Their dinners were served, and Vicki talked about the school idea the women had suggested, because it seemed utterly safe. Dan listened, nodding, and Krystal appeared more involved with her giant hamburger.
“I agree setting up a preschool would be an awfully expensive venture,” he said. “But a tutoring kind of program for an hour or two a day? I bet a lot of people would be interested. The church preschool is overloaded. They’re trying to raise funds right now to expand, because they’ve reached their code limits.”
“Well, it’s just an idea, and that’s all it’s going to be, at least for a while.”
He smiled. “Try taking some deep breaths and getting your feet under you first.”
He was right about that. She felt far from settled yet, and while she was beginning to make some community ties herself, she still had to put Krystal first. The women at the park had been fun and encouraging, very welcoming, but Vicki was still waiting to feel as if she and her daughter had truly landed. Something a little like jet lag struck her every so often, a sense of unreality. She guessed her big move wasn’t yet complete, at least emotionally.
Still, it was kind of nice to play around with the tutoring idea. Her days were full enough, with Krystal, and helping Lena take care of the house, and while Vicki hadn’t thought about it much in the past year, she was beginning to feel some needs of her own, such as wanting to accomplish something. Teaching kindergarten had often given her the sense that she was doing something important that extended out beyond her immediate family. Apparently, that need hadn’t entirely gone away. Little by little it was reawakening, and tutoring seemed like a gentle way to reintroduce Krys to the idea that her mom worked.
A good example for the child, a necessity for herself, and something that probably would wait until Krystal started school next year. Vicki’s whole purpose in leaving her job last time had been to make sure Krystal got over the hump of losing her father, that she knew at least one of her parents was always there.
Maybe that wouldn’t be so important a few months down the road, but so soon after their move, Vicki still worried. Krys seemed to be transplanting well and thriving, but there were still those moments that worried her.
When it came to true stability for Krys, Vicki figured she was it.
After their early supper, the two of them walked back to the house carrying a bag of leftovers. Dan returned to the sheriff’s office, mentioning he’d probably be home soon.
“Come see us,” Krys invited.
Dan looked at Vicki, who smiled and nodded. It no longer totally terrified her that she wanted to see this man often. Just as long as she kept things in safe limits, that was.
“You got it, pumpkin. I’ll be there soon.”
It struck Vicki as they were walking home that it might not be good for Dan to make such promises. She’d already seen that he could get called in on a moment’s notice. What’s more, a department with only about twenty-five deputies probably needed a lot of officers to step up if something happened, or if one got sick. Filling in the gaps was probably a large part of Dan’s job.
And then there was the other problem: the possibility that he might not come home at all. She felt only marginally better since he’d told her that they hadn’t lost a deputy in a couple decades. It could still happen.
But for the first time, she wondered if her fear might be irrational. Yes, being a cop could be dangerous, but when she looked back over her years with Hal, the only death had been his. And he hadn’t even been on duty.
Her throat tightened and she swallowed hard. Hal going to the store to get milk. Sometimes she got so angry, wondering if he wouldn’t have been killed if he hadn’t tried to be the good cop. He hadn’t even been on duty. Maybe interfering in the robbery had cost him his life. But on duty or off duty, he’d been a cop. He could have just as easily walked into that mess wearing his uniform.
She tried to tell herself it could have happened to anyone in the store that night, but she didn’t quite believe it. Hal had put it all out there, trying to protect the store manager and other patrons. It was too late to second-guess his decisions, to wonder whether, if he hadn’t challenged the perp, the guy might have walked out with his miserable twenty bucks. A man’s life for twenty dollars. It still appalled her.
“Mommy?”
Yanked back into the present, Vicki glanced down. “Yes?”
“Will Dan really come?”
There it was again, tightening Vicki’s throat once more. Maybe she should speak to Dan about saying things with much less certainty. “He said he would. But he has to work, too, so we can’t be sure.”
“I know.”
There was something dark in the girl’s tone, and it frightened Vicki. What demon was she dealing with now?
Vicki squatted on the sidewalk and Krys automatically turned to look at her. “Krys, are you worried Dan won’t come?”
She tilted her head before answering. “No,” she said finally. “He said he would.”
“Then you’re worried about him being late?” God, Vicki hoped that was all it was.
“Yup. Can we go home and play a game?”
“Of course.” They resumed walking, but Vicki’s heart felt like lead. Late? Oh, she didn’t think that was it at all, especially since Dan hadn’t promised a time. Maybe seeing him in uniform had stirred some reaction in Krys, one she wasn’t even aware of.
Was Vicki making a mistake, allowing this friendship? But how could she stop it now? Her daughter wasn’t the only one who’d become dependent on Dan.
*
Dan didn’t keep Krystal waiting for long. An hour later, dressed in jeans and a black sweatshirt, he popped through the door, looking guilty. In his hand he carried a bag.
Krystal greeted him joyfully, and Dan swung her up into his arms. They all moved into the living room and sat on the sofa. Dan eyed Vicki. “Get annoyed with me if you want.”
“About what?”
“I heard what you said about the tide of gifts, but I brought one, anyway.”
Vicki, inexplicably relieved that he had shown up and put Krys’s concerns to rest, merely laughed. “What did you do?”
“Don’t hate me forever.” He reached for the bag and pulled out
a stuffed gray-and-white wolf, just a small one, but suitable for carrying around. He handed it to Krys. “Your very first wolf.”
She squealed in pleasure and said thank-you before crawling into Dan’s lap, holding her new treasure.
“It’s beautiful,” Vicki said, admiring the wolf, and happy with Krys’s reaction. Apparently, whatever had troubled her was gone now. Vicki didn’t want to think about that.
“Not easy to find,” Dan remarked. “Ranchers don’t care for the wolves at all, and we’ve got a pack up on Thunder Mountain. It’s not the kind of thing most people around here would want to buy.”
Vicki had read about the problems, the concern on the part of ranchers that wolves presented a threat to livestock. She got it, but didn’t say any more about it. She was the newbie here, and reading up on something didn’t make her an expert.
“I like wolfs,” Krys said.
“Wolves,” Vicki corrected gently. “I know, it seems dumb, but that’s the way it is.”
Krys giggled and admired her new toy while leaning against Dan’s chest. “This is a wolfie,” she announced.
“Fair enough,” Vicki agreed. She glanced at Dan and saw him looking down at Krys with a slightly wistful smile. Clearly, he was enjoying having her on his lap, and enjoyed her pleasure in the wolf, but Vicki could only imagine what other thoughts must be running through his head. Perhaps he was thinking about the daughter he might have had.
Between the two of them, she guessed she was by far the luckier.
He suggested they play a game, and Krys ran to get one. When she came back downstairs, she was carrying the children’s version of Scrabble. Vicki felt a little surprised. Krys hadn’t shown much interest in it lately.
“Wow, that’s heavy,” Dan said. “I’m not the world’s best speller. Are you sure you want to play with me?”
“Mommy will fix it if you’re wrong.”
With that assurance they adjourned to the dining room. With a new player in the mix, Krys seemed to have regained her liking of the game, and often laughed delightedly when Dan made an obvious mistake and Vicki fixed it. She suspected most of those mistakes were on purpose, but Krys had a lot of fun. In fact, they all did.