by Marcy Blesy
I arrive at work a half hour and a hot mess late for my shift. Garry takes one look at me and shakes his head in disapproval. I grab my fanny pack and order pad. Before I walk out onto the floor, Matt stops me. His grip on my wrist snaps me back to reality, and I wipe my eyes with my free hand.
“Are you okay?”
“Great,” I say, as I look up at Matt. “You haven’t talked to me all week, and you pick now to start? All I had to do was cry to get you to feign any interest?” I know I’m being a bitch, but it’s the best I’ve got right now.
“I’m not feigning interest, you word snob. Forget it.” He releases my wrist and stomps back to the work stations. Pots and pans slam onto the counter. This is going to be an awesome night. Why is my little, unimportant life so complicated?
Chapter 4:
I’ve never had to wait up for my mom to get home, not once in my life, and the one night I need some clarity, she’s on a date. At first the thought of my mom dating made me kind of happy. She’s a beautiful, caring woman. Someday I’ll be gone, and she’ll be alone again. The thought of that makes me sick because I know I’ve already been the cause of that hell once when I ran away from home after Dad, Laura, and Grandma all died close together. Of course, I know now that my decisions didn’t cause their deaths, but at the time I didn’t, so running away seemed like the most logical solution to protect her from anything bad happening again. All it did was cause extreme sorrow and worry. This time when I leave for school, or a job, I’ll be back to visit, of course, but she’ll still be alone. Won’t it be nice for her to have some company once in a while? That was my thought until she started getting serious about Greg. It’s been happening slowly. At first it was just a few calls a week. Then a dinner on the weekend. Then multiple weeknights. Now, most nights she’s off doing something with Greg. I’ve met him a few times. He’s nice. He opens car doors and helps put on her jacket and stuff like that. The problem? He’s not my dad. Dad was silly and thoughtful and a very big presence no matter the company he was in. Greg is kind of mousy. Mom deserves someone with more personality. Maybe it’s my job to tell her that.
I wake up on the couch when my phone dings.
Sarah: Come to U of I soon.
Me: Why?
Sarah: My best friend is missing in action.
Me: Sorry.
Sarah: So, come?
Me: I think that would be a good idea.
Sarah: Awesome. I’ll email the directions.
A trip out of town, and not to Woodson, might be exactly what I need. Long distance friendships are a lot easier to maintain than long distance romances. No matter how much time passes between our visits, it’s like we are little girls all over again when we’re together. Maybe Sarah would be a better judge of my current predicament than mom anyway. Why burden her just when she’s got a new chance at happiness? I fold the blanket on the couch and turn on the front porch light for mom. It’s weird having our roles reversed. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could both be happy at the same time?
With Spring Break over and classes back in full swing, I haven’t worked at all at the restaurant. Plus, Matt and I don’t have any classes together this semester. I’m taking more English courses, and he’s got more business courses. It’s probably for the best anyway. The only problem? I miss him like crazy. Without Ty bugging me all the time with texts, it’s been a little clearer in my mind to see that Matt is the one that makes me the happiest now. True, Ty’s not out of my mind for good. I mean, how can he be? I still credit him for saving my life, in a way, but being with Matt is so easy. I even miss our Thursday night video game sessions with his friends Caleb and Leo. Sure, they weren’t too keen on a girl crashing boys’ night at first, but when I proved that I was pretty deft with the video controller and could go toe-to-toe with their pizza consumption, I won them over. All the credit goes to Matt. He made me the video gamer I am now. In fact, it would be a shame for me to miss game night just because of my squabble with Matt. I’m sure the other guys will welcome my presence. Yeah, I’m going tonight. Maybe Matt will even have a good time.
It’s warm for April, not quite shorts weather, but that’s not stopping me. Pairing my new silver shorts with a pair of tall black wedge sandals does its job: to accentuate my legs. I knot my hair into a loose bun at the nape of my neck and put on a new layer of pink lip gloss to match my pink tank top. I grab a white cardigan, scribble Mom a note, again, and drive to Matt’s. It’s a little after 8:00, so I know Caleb and Leo should be there. Most likely they are entrenched in a Call of Duty battle with strangers across the internet. Killing strangers does nothing to my adrenaline meter, especially since it takes a good ten minutes to stop feeling dizzy when I start playing, but if that’s on the agenda tonight, then I’m game.
“Come in,” someone yells over the sound of gunfire. I open the door to a familiar scene. I can’t help but smile, seeing the three of them. Leo, the quiet nerd of the group, who can never string more than a few words together when talking to me, like Raj in The Big Bang Theory. Caleb, the cocky former Student Senate President from Andersonville when I was there. The first night I came over, we both did a double take with recognition. When Matt went to pay the pizza guy, he’d whispered in my ear, “Don’t worry. Your past is your deal.” He’d offered his hand in an I’m giving you my word kind of way. Despite his arrogance with every stupid game we play, I trust him very much, which is quite appealing. If Sarah lived closer, he’s exactly the type of guy she should date, though I’m sure it would take some convincing since he never landed on her radar in high school. Matt doesn’t even look up from the television.
“There’s a twenty on the table, man. Thanks for the pizza. Keep the tip.” Leo is the first to notice me.
“You have a problem, Matt,” he says.
“Huh?” Matt throws a grenade. His kill count goes up.
“Just look.” Leo waves at me and looks away. Caleb looks up next.
“Hey, Mae. Good to have you back. We’ll add you for the next match.” He tosses me a remote. That gets Matt’s attention.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
“Come on, Matt. Let her play. She’s not hurting anyone. Plus, she’s pretty, well, and pretty good, too.” Caleb winks at me. I smile and sit on the couch, waiting for the round to end.
Leo adds my player to the game without another word from Matt. It doesn’t take long for me to realize that Matt’s not warming to my presence in his apartment, though, when he keeps launching missile attacks my direction. It’s kind of ridiculous. Caleb and I double team him the best we can, but the fun this evening was supposed to deliver is non-existent.
“Dammit, Matt. Cut that out. Find another target.”
“If you can’t take the heat, you know where to find the door.” That’s when the doorbell rings. I get up to hand the pizza guy Matt’s money and take the pizza to the kitchen. He is not chasing me away. I rummage around the kitchen cabinets until I find the paper plates and napkins. Instead of throwing everything on the coffee table in the living room, I set the plates out on the kitchen table. I grab some beers and decide to pour them in real glasses. Finding four glasses that aren’t Styrofoam or plastic proves a bit of a challenge. I reach to the back of a cabinet above the stove and pull mugs out of the way to feel for a glass. One of the mugs catches my attention. “Love you forever, Matty,” it says. On the other side there is a picture of a pretty blonde girl with medium length hair and bright blue eyes. She’s sitting on Matt’s lap, and their arms are wrapped around each other. I’m not sure how long I stand staring at the mug.
“What’s taking so long?” Matt interrupts my thoughts which are very confusing. He never told me about any past serious girlfriends. Isn’t that something I should have known? “Where did you get that?” Matt grabs the mug out of my hand.
“I…I was looking for some glasses for the beer.”
“We have bottles.” He grabs the beer from the fridge and starts back toward the living room.
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br /> “Matt, wait.” I put my hand on his arm. He flinches. I realize how bad I want him to touch me back. “Please don’t storm out. I’ve missed you so much. I’m sorry for everything. Please, let me be a part of your life, your whole life.” I stare at the mug that he’s put in the sink.
“You know what?” He turns around to look at me. “I thought maybe I was ready again. Meeting you, getting to know you. I thought maybe you were the real deal. I thought you were someone special like…like someone that was once very special to me, still is actually, but you’re not the one.”
“What one, Matt?” I don’t take my hand off his arm.
“You’re not the one to fill that place in my heart. You can’t. You’ll never be able to because…because part of your heart will always belong to someone else. I guess it’s not fair of me to ask you to try, either. You can’t help who you fall in love with. Some love never dies. Some holes never get filled.”
“Matt, what are you talking about? What holes? And, I’m not in love with Ty anymore.”
“Never mind, Mae. I’m not going to force you to leave, but I think after you’re done with the pizza, maybe it would be best if you just left.”
“I don’t want to leave. What do I have to do to prove to you that I’m over Ty?”
“Stop lying to yourself. Be happy.” He kisses the top of my head and returns to the living room. I go into the bathroom to splash water on my face to stop from crying. I sit on the floor and run images of my life over and over in my mind. Dad and Laura and Grandma. Running away and meeting Ty. Falling in love and Ty leaving. My insecurity and Ty breaking my heart. Matt and his kindness and charm. And Ty. Matt’s right. I can’t shake Ty. Will he always be a What if? in my mind, closing any doors to new relationships? The thought only makes me sad, though, because to pursue anything with Ty means ending the possibility of anything with Matt. I don’t know how long I have been sitting on the floor when there is a knock at the door.
“Mae, you need to come out. Everyone’s gone now.” I open the door. Matt is wearing his plaid pajama bottoms and holding his head in his hand like he has a headache. I throw my arms around his neck and rest my head on his chest. His body relaxes as he slowly puts his arms around my body. When I look up into his eyes, there is a slow trickle of tears that flow down his cheeks. He pulls me closer again and away from the emotion on his face.
“I’m sorry,” I say. His heart beats faster, and I inhale his scent. I want to capture this moment because I know it can never happen again. I can’t be with Matt when I am not completely free of Ty. But Matt means so much to me. I reach for Matt’s face and wipe away his tears. Then I pull his face close to mine and kiss away the rest of the visible signs of his pain. I kiss his lips. He kisses back, and for but a moment, I am his and he is mine. No one stands in our way.
“You’d better go,” he says.
“It’s complicated,” I say.
“I know.” He hands me my cardigan and opens the front door. “Good luck, Mae.”
“Matt, I can’t. I don’t want to—”
“Goodbye, Mae.” He gently pushes me outside and closes the door. How can I walk away? How can I take a chance on heartache again? Because that’s all I know? What a fool.
Chapter 5:
Mom and Greg are sitting on the couch when I get home. I swear they look like they’ve been busted. Can this night get any worse?
“Hi, Honey,” says Mom. “How was your night?”
“Horrible,” I say. “I’m going to bed.” I know it’s rude to not even acknowledge Greg, but I really couldn’t care less at this moment. I throw off my clothes meant to entice Matt and put on a pair of sweats and an old t-shirt before getting into bed. I recall wearing similar clothes, only Matt’s oversized sweats and half marathon t-shirt, the night I crashed on his couch after catching Ty with Jess. Matt had confessed the next morning that he really hated to run and preferred weight-lifting work-outs in the fitness center to hitting the pavement, but that he’d run the race for a friend who was a leukemia survivor. He’d raised a $1000 washing cars over the summer and donated it all to the Leukemia Foundation. There is so much I’ll never know about his life, including who that girl on the mug was. I curl up with my pillow between my arms and prepare to cry myself to sleep.
Mom knocks on the door. “You still up?”
“Yes, come in,” I say.
“Everything okay? I haven’t seen much of you lately.”
“Yeah, you’ve been a little busy.” I know I’m being unfair. “Sorry, Mom. It’s just been a rough night.”
“I could tell. Want to talk about it?”
“Matt and I are over…for good.”
“Really? I’m so sorry to hear that. He’s a great guy, and he seemed to make you happy.”
“He did. He does. It’s—”
“Ty?” she asks.
“How did you know?”
“Well, Ty’s been calling me, too. He said you don’t answer, and he figured he could get to you through me, but I decided that if you really wanted to talk to him, you’d have answered him yourself. I hope you’re not mad that I didn’t tell you.”
“I’m not mad.”
“But you did talk to him then?” she asks.
“Yeah, a couple of times. I went to Woodson.”
“You went to see Ty?”
“Mom, I got accepted to the University of Michigan for next fall.”
It felt good talking to Mom. She didn’t tell me I was stupid for wanting to see if Ty and I had any foundation left for our relationship to build upon. She reminded me that she and Dad had had rough patches in their relationship, too. Yeah, like I needed reminding that a huge fight over my pregnancy scare with Kyle after my sophomore homecoming had sent Dad packing, never to come home again because of the freak falling accident. She said she was going to ask Dad to move back home when she saw the ambulance pulling into the parking lot of his apartment building just ahead of her. She was too late. I’m not going to be too late with Ty. Either it will work or not, but I’m ready to try. I tell myself I am, but I can’t stop thinking about my last touch from Matt. I can’t keep hurting him, though, because he deserves better. I check my phone to see if Ty has responded to my earlier text.
Me: I can come.
Ty: Really?
Me: Yes, but Sarah’s coming, too. And Carmen.
Ty: Okay. Friday?
Me: Saturday, mid-day. Sarah’s coming home Friday.
Ty: K. C u soon.
Ty: Can’t wait.
Chapter 6:
“This long-ass ride had better be worth it,” says Sarah. We are halfway into our trip from Andersonville to Ann Arbor, the home of the University of Michigan. Sarah was pissed that I wouldn’t come to see her at U of I this weekend, but she agreed to come home and ride with me and Carmen to see Ty after I promised a weekend of parties and non-stop fun. Whether that will really happen or not is yet to be determined, but since Carmen and Sarah seem to be hitting it off so well, I have no doubt that they can find their own fun without me.
“It’s all in your attitude, Sarah,” I say.
“Well, so far my attitude is that this trip is too long, and I totally get why you and Ty couldn’t make it work the first time,” she says.
“Gee, thanks,” I say.
“If we’re all for offering opinions, I don’t know why you’re even considering a second time,” says Carmen. She’s got blue hair today, with the former red style so last year. She’s usually more level-headed than Sarah, so I thought that inviting her would help the situation, not hurt it.
“I should have left you guys at home,” I say, pushing the accelerator harder. “And I thought Ty was your friend, Carmen.”
“He is my friend. You are, too, but I’ve seen just as well as you have how he has changed since going away to school and getting out from under the perfect boy image he tried so hard to uphold. He wanted to make the Barbers proud, and they did save his life, if you think about it. Otherwise, he’d
have been bounced around the foster system. Then what? I doubt he’d be at U of M. That’s a lot of pressure. And what about your choices? No offense, Mae.” She looks at Sarah. “Sorry, I can’t call her Macy. That doesn’t sound right. Sarah shrugs her shoulders in the front seat next to me, like she couldn’t care less what I tell people my name is. On the run, Mae set up her own life, protecting the people she loved, or so she thought. I’m in no hurry to erase that part of Macy. “Anyway, you’re fragile. You don’t fit with Ty anymore. I’m sorry. It won’t work.” Anger isn’t the right emotion to peg for what I’m feeling inside right now, more like disbelief and astonishment. How could my friends not understand how important it is for me to try and make this work with Ty? After all, if I’d been ready to move on with Matt, I would have, right? There’s unfinished business here.
The rest of the drive consisted of Carmen and Sarah synching their iPhones to my Bluetooth in an attempt to construct their best top ten songs of all-time list. I should have known they’d both pick Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” and Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven,” but “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen? I hate that song.
Carmen plays navigator the closer we get to campus. Her dad’s a huge Michigan fan, and they have season tickets to the football games. It dawns on me how odd it is that I could potentially be attending school here in the fall, and I’ve never even stepped foot on the campus.