by Mark Roeder
“Football is important to you, isn’t it?” Tristan asked.
“Yes. Maybe it’s silly to love a game that much, but I do.”
“It’s not silly. If you love something, that makes it worthwhile.”
“I do love it. It’s just…it’s hard to explain. I love getting out there and plowing though the linebackers. I love racing down the field with the ball, running flat out, feinting and dodging my way toward the goal. It’s a battle. I work out all my frustration and aggression on the field. There’s more to it than even that, but I don’t know how to put it into words.”
“Then it is truly important to you. The most important thoughts and feelings can’t be put into words. No words exist to express them. Poetry can sometimes come close to expressing those feelings, but even at its best, poetry is merely a poor imitation of the real thing.”
“I…I think I know what you mean.”
“Language is very limited when you think about it. I think that’s why music is so valued all over the world. Like poetry, music can sometimes touch upon those thoughts and feelings that words can’t express.”
We sat there in silence for a while. I enjoyed just being near Tristan. He looked so much like his cousin that it was scary. I’d never had a chance with Taylor, but with Tristan…maybe.
“This tea is good.”
“Thanks.”
I paused. My heart was racing. I felt so awkward just then. There was so much I wanted to say but so much I feared to say.
“I wish I had more time to spend with you,” I said at last. My words didn’t express what was in my heart, but it was as close as I dared come.
I reached across the table and ran my hand over Tristan’s. He paused before pulling his hand away, but I knew I’d crossed a line I should not have. The only reason he didn’t jerk his hand away was out of politeness. I could tell he made a conscious effort to pause for a few moments before he reached for a spoonful of sugar he didn’t really want. I didn’t quite understand. I had grasped his hand once before. It was when I’d first shown him my loft, but I remembered that moment as though it was yesterday. He had smiled at me then. Was he just being kind that time? Had he decided twice was too much?
I pulled my hand back, and we both pretended nothing had happened. I felt faintly humiliated, but Tristan was so kind that the feeling quickly passed. We talked about school. We talked about the way Brandon and Jon went at each other. It was so wonderful just to have someone to sit and talk with. I had my brother, of course, but our relationship had changed. I was more parent now than brother, and that put a distance between us that had not been there before.
“I should get home,” Tristan said later on. “I have homework to finish up, and you probably do, too.”
“Yeah. I’ve really enjoyed our time together,” I said.
“Sometime we can hit the Goodwill and the resale shop in Plymouth.”
“I’d like that, and if you just want to come by to…talk or whatever, that would be good, too.”
Tristan smiled at me and put his hand on my shoulder. That’s when I did something really stupid. I leaned in and tried to kiss him. He pulled back as if I’d tried to strike him.
“Shawn, no.”
Tristan picked up his coat and put it on.
“I’m…I’m sorry.”
“I’ll see you at school tomorrow,” Tristan said, and then he was gone.
Tristan didn’t seem angry, but when I apologized, he didn’t say it was okay. He clearly didn’t like what I’d done. He just as clearly didn’t want to kiss me. Why wasn’t he as interested in me as I was him? I felt depression setting in.
I sat back down at the kitchen table, staring at the mug Tristan had so recently held in his hands. I felt his absence like a ghost.
When Tim came home a few minutes later, I was sitting at the kitchen table, banging my head on the tabletop.
“Bad evening?” Tim asked.
“I’m so stupid,” I said. “Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.”
“You’re going to have to be more specific, Shawn.”
I gave Tim a ‘screw you’ look.
“I tried to kiss Tristan.”
“And?”
“You have to ask? He pulled away.”
“Bad breath? Sorry,” Tim said, catching on at last to how rotten I felt.
“I don’t think he’s interested in me at all—not like I want him to be,” I said.
“I’m sorry.”
“He knows how I feel about him. I told him soon after we first met. He gave me this let’s-be-friends-and-see-where-it-goes line. I wonder now if he was just too nice to say he wasn’t interested.”
“I hate to say this, but he does seem nice enough to do something like that.”
“Exactly. That same day, I asked him about holding his hand and kissing him. He said it was okay to try—that if he didn’t feel it, he’d pull away. I tried both today, and he pulled away.”
“Why don’t you look for someone else, Shawn? I know you really like Tristan, but there are other guys out there. You’re good looking—you’ve got a hot body—there’s got to be someone out there for you.”
“Maybe, but Tristan is the one I want.”
“I hate to say this, but you don’t always get what you want.”
“I know.”
“Listen, Tristan obviously doesn’t want to be anything more than friends now. Right?”
“It certainly looks that way.”
“If you push too hard, you’re going to push him away. I know this is easy for me to say, but why don’t you just forget about a romantic relationship with Tristan—at least, for a while. Just be friends. Find yourself a boyfriend and just be friends with Tristan. You can’t have what you want, so make the best of the situation. You like hanging out with him, don’t you?”
“Sure.”
“So, take my advice. You may find a guy you like just as well or better. If you have a boyfriend, you won’t be pressuring Tristan. You can relax and have fun with him, and that is the best way to get what you want from him. If you play it cool, maybe he’ll begin to feel the same way about you that you feel about him. If you get a boyfriend, he might even get jealous.”
“Great. My little brother is giving me dating advice.”
“I’m not that much younger than you, you know. I’m not a kid. I don’t mean to rub it in—much—but I have a boyfriend. You’ve never had one. Besides, any idiot can see that putting the moves on Tristan isn’t working. Continuing to put the moves on him would just be stupid.”
“I feel like an idiot.”
“You’re not an idiot, Shawn. Right now, you’re just down and upset. You’ve been rejected by someone you really care about, and it hurts. You’re smart enough to learn from your mistakes. It’s time to try something new.”
“I hate it when you’re right—especially this time.”
Tim reached out, took my hand, and pulled me to my feet. He hugged me close.
“You’ll find a great boyfriend, Shawn. I know you will. Maybe you’ll even end up with Tristan, but even if you don’t, you’ll find someone who will make you very happy.”
I hugged Tim back tightly, then let him go.
“Thanks.”
Dane
Mom picked Tim and me up after school. We tossed our backpacks in the front seat, and then we both climbed in the back. Mom pulled away from VHS and headed for Marmont. Moving day at last!
“Your dad called,” Mom said. “The movers have already loaded up everything from his office. They will be emptying out the house by the time we arrive.”
“I’m glad I already put my name on my boxes,” I said.
“How much packing do you have to finish?” Mom asked.
“Not much. With Tim’s help, I can finish up in about half an hour.”
“Good, then you boys can help carry things to the truck.”
I groaned, but my heart wasn’t in it. I was too excited.
Tim and I couldn’t make out in
the backseat. Mom checked her rearview mirror a little too often for us to get away with that. We did manage to hold hands. Every once in a while, Tim teased me by running his hand up and down my leg. It got me excited, if you know what I mean. I needed some alone time with Tim as soon as possible!
The drive to Marmont went by in a flash because I had Tim to keep me company. Before I knew it, Mom pulled into our old driveway.
“So this is where you lived?” Tim asked.
“Yeah.”
I had forgotten Tim had never been to Marmont. Even his brother had only visited me once.
There was a large moving van parked near the front door. Movers were carrying furniture from the house. Mom, Tim, and I entered through the back door. Mom went in search of Dad, and I led Tim to my room.
I closed the door and pressed Tim against it the moment we were inside. I pressed my lips against his and shot my tongue into his mouth. I rubbed up against him as we made out.
We had only gone at it about five minutes before Mom knocked on the door. I opened it, trying to look innocent.
“Dane, when you’ve finished packing and marking the last of your boxes, carry them into the living room; the movers will load them from there. And keep your door open.”
Mom left us alone.
“I guess we should get to work,” I said. Tim grinned at me.
“Why don’t I carry the boxes to the living room that are ready while you finish packing?” Tim asked.
“I knew having a hunk for a boyfriend would come in handy.”
There was very little left to pack. Almost everything was already boxed up. I was amazed at how much stuff I had. It didn’t seem possible that it took so many boxes to hold my things. In less than ten minutes, I was helping Tim carry boxes into the living room. Before another ten minutes had passed, my room was completely empty. I walked back into my old room for a moment. When I left this time, I wasn’t coming back.
“It makes you kind of sad, doesn’t it?” Tim asked.
“Yes.”
“I felt that way when I left home, too. I was glad to get out, but it was still hard leaving the place I’d lived in for so many years. All these memories I thought I’d forgotten came back to me when I realized I was leaving.”
“Yeah. I’m going to miss this place—my room and the house, that is. I’m not going to miss Marmont, especially my old school.”
“Dane, someone is here to see you,” Mom called from some distant location.
Tim looked at me. I shrugged my shoulders. We walked out into the hall and toward the living room.
“Simon,” I said.
“Hey, Dane. Your dad said you were packing up today. I came to say goodbye.”
I smiled. Simon was one of a handful of people from my old school that I actually missed. I turned to Tim.
“Tim, this is Simon, one of my friends. Simon, this is Tim, my boyfriend.”
Simon’s eyes widened, but he shook hands with Tim.
“Just for the record, he’s much hotter than Billy,” Simon said.
“I know,” I said smugly.
I turned to Tim.
“Simon is one of the few cool guys at Marmont High School,” I explained.
“I’m not exactly cool,” Simon said.
“Sure you are, and you were there for me when it counted.”
“I should have been there for you all along, especially after the way you helped me out.” Simon looked at Tim. “Dane noticed I was having trouble with weight training in gym, so we started working out together.”
“It looks as if you’re still keeping it up,” I said. “You’re looking good.”
“Well, I’m looking better. I don’t know about good, but thanks!”
“How are things at school?”
“Homophobic. I keep a low profile so I’ll survive. I cannot wait to get out of there! You are so lucky you escaped.”
“Well, the price I paid was kind of high, but it was worth it. I love Verona. There are several out boys there, and two or three of them are the hottest hunks in school. Well, just look at Tim.”
Tim actually blushed. It was so cute.
“I am not one of the hottest hunks in school,” Tim said.
“Yes, you are. You just don’t realize it,” I said.
“You look hot to me. If you weren’t Dane’s boyfriend…”
My eyes widened. I’d always wondered, but Simon had never even hinted before that he was gay.
“Hands off, Simon. He’s mine!”
Simon grinned.
“I promise. I’ll just look. I won’t touch!”
“Dane, can you boys give me a hand?” Mom called.
“Yeah, Mom.”
“Need some help?” Simon asked.
“Sure.”
The movers were emptying the place out fast. Tim, Simon, and I helped carry boxes from the kitchen and other rooms as directed by Mom. We piled everything in the living room, where the movers loaded the boxes onto two-wheeled carts and carted them away. In less than two hours the place was empty. The moving van pulled out, and Dad followed it in his car. Tim, Simon, and I stood in the living room and talked while Mom closed up our old home.
I was kind of sad when I walked out the front door for the very last time. I was more excited than sad, however. I couldn’t wait to get to Verona and begin unpacking my stuff. I hugged Simon goodbye. Tim hugged him, too. I almost laughed because Simon rolled his eyes with pleasure as Tim squeezed him. I had one sexy boyfriend.
“You have my new address,” I said to Simon just before climbing in the car. “Write me sometime. I promise to write back. You should come and visit sometime, too.”
“I will! Bye, Dane!”
“Bye!”
Simon stood in the driveway and waved as we drove away from my old home. I hoped things worked out as well for him as they had for me.
Marmont was behind me, Verona ahead. Moving the last of my possessions marked the end of one chapter in my life and the beginning of another. Verona was my home now. It was where I was meant to be.
Mom had stashed some of her most valuable and breakable objects in the car. The trunk, the passenger seat, and part of the back seat were occupied with boxes of carefully packed treasures. Tim and I didn’t mind the crowded confines of the back seat one bit. If Mom had realized how we were going to be squeezed together, I think she would have trusted the movers with a few more boxes.
Tim took my hand even before we were out of the driveway. Before we hit the highway my hand began to roam. I don’t think I have to tell you my hand’s destination. I almost laughed at Tim’s efforts to keep a neutral expression on his face. I soon faced the same fight myself, but it was worth it. There was something especially exciting about doing something forbidden right under my mother’s nose. The fact that there was no way she could see what we were getting up to made no difference.
I wanted to kiss Tim, but that Mom could see. I contented myself with driving my boyfriend crazy. We stopped before we reached the point of no return. I was so worked up I was ready to breathe fire. Perhaps I hadn’t thought my actions out very well, but it was worth the torment.
We were just a few minutes behind the moving van, but the movers were already carrying boxes into the new house when we arrived. I offered to help Mom carry in the boxes from the car, but she declined. I guess she didn’t quite trust me with her most precious possessions. It was probably just as well. I could just picture myself tripping and dropping a box of costly breakables. Besides, I was eager to get at my own stuff.
Dad was guiding the movers, so the right boxes and pieces of furniture would make it to the right rooms. Tim and I each grabbed a box marked “Dane” and carried them up to my room on the second floor.
“You must have the biggest house in town,” Tim said.
“Yeah, unless someone moves into the old Graymoor Mansion.”
“Yeah, right! Like that’s ever going to happen! That place has been up for sale my entire life, but no one is b
rave enough to even look at it, let alone buy it. Someone would have to be out of their freaking mind to buy that haunted house.”
“Maybe the Addams family will move to Verona.”
“They are the only people who would live there. Well, perhaps the Munsters. Have you seen that old show?”
“Oh, yeah.”
“I’d take your house any day. I can’t believe you have your own gym!”
“We should have some of the guys over to play basketball.”
“That would be awesome.”
Tim and I deposited the boxes in my room and returned to the truck for more.
“You should go out for football this fall,” Tim said.
“I’m not much of an athlete. I like playing with friends, but I’m not much into playing for a team. Besides, I’ve heard about football practices. They sound grueling.”
“They are, but it’s a lot of fun, too. There is the added advantage of all those hot guys in the showers.”
“Hmm, maybe I can be the towel boy.”
Tim laughed.
“I’m gonna miss Brendan this fall. Have you ever seen him naked?” Tim asked.
“Unfortunately, no.”
“Damn, he’s hot! It was worth being on the team just to check him out in the locker room and showers. His pecs drove me insane, and that ass!”
“I hope you were careful.”
“He wouldn’t mind.”
“I was thinking more of the other guys.”
“Oh, I’m always extremely careful. I was terrified of going into the showers right after I figured out I was gay. I was afraid I’d get caught looking at some guy the wrong way and they’d all beat the crap out of me. I was scared to death I’d pop a boner.”
“Did that ever happen?”
“No. Looking at the other boys just about drove me out of my mind, but I was also so scared I was never in danger of getting aroused.”
“Not quite like all those ‘in the shower’ porno stories, huh?”