by Mark Roeder
“I know I am, but that’s not the point.”
“I’m okay with it. I already told you that.”
“Are you really okay with it?”
“Yes. I have feelings for you, Shawn, probably more than you do for me. Of course, I wasn’t head over heels in love with someone else when we met. I liked being your almost-boyfriend for a while, but I’m happy things have worked out for you. We can still be close. I’ll miss the sex—and the hugging and kissing—but I get to keep the most important parts of our relationship, so I have no complaints. Besides, there has got to be a boyfriend out there for a sexy guy like me.”
“Yeah, there must be. As far as hugging is concerned, I don’t think Tristan will mind the occasional hug.”
“Just watch where you put your hands,” Marc said, grinning.
I knew then everything was going to be okay with Marc. I was sure he experienced some sadness over this, but he was right, we still had the best part of our relationship.
Dane
Strong arms wrapped around my chest from behind. I flinched momentarily but then felt a kiss upon my cheek.
“Knock it off. You want my boyfriend to catch us?” I said.
I turned around, pretending surprise. Tim grinned at me.
“I think you should forget a career in theatre,” Tim said.
“Well, I do kind of have another boyfriend.”
“Dead boys don’t count. Did he show up last night?”
“I don’t think so. I felt really cold at one point and thought someone was in the room with me, but I’m not sure if it happened or if I just dreamed it did.”
“I wish he’d just go away,” said Tim. “I don’t like it.”
“I’m not too thrilled about a dead boy in my bedroom, either.”
“Who would be?”
“Maybe Devon?” I suggested.
Tim laughed.
“Devon gave me the nastiest look this morning,” Tim said. “He shouldered me and called me a pillow-biter, but then he spotted Brandon. Devon disappeared so fast I wondered if he beamed out.”
“That boy is going to get his ass kicked if he keeps it up.”
“No one deserves it more.”
“Come on, let’s go eat. I’m starving!” Tim said.
The usual crew sat at our table, but my thoughts went forward to next year. Don’t ask me why. I have no idea why I think the things I think. Next year, Brendan and Ethan would be gone. Every year, more of us would disappear, and then there would be no one left. It was sad. I guessed new people would be added every year. Tristan and I were recent additions. By the time the current crew left, a whole new group would probably be phased in. I liked the idea of our table continuing on through the years.
“You look thoughtful, Dane,” Tristan said. I noticed Shawn was sitting close by Tristan’s side. He looked happy. Both of them did.
“I was just thinking…”
“Ohh, everyone quiet! Dane’s thinking!” Jon said.
“Ha-ha. Shut up!” I said.
“I was just thinking about next year and how Brendan and Ethan won’t be here. It doesn’t seem right.”
“Oh, don’t worry about that,” Brandon said. “There is no way either of them will pass. They probably won’t graduate until they’re like…forty.”
Brendan and Ethan both flipped Brandon off.
“I’m one of the newest guys here, but…I don’t know…it just seems like this is how things should be.”
“Things change,” Brendan said. “You get used to it. Casper and I understand that better than most. We used to live in an entirely different place and attended a different school. I thought my life would just go on and on the same as always, but it changed. Not all of that change was pleasant, but now I’m here, and I like this life. Next fall, if I go off to college, that will be a different life, too, but that’s okay. Change is a part of life, and even though most things change, not everything has to do so. I know that Casper will always be a part of my life no matter what happens or where I end up.”
“Do you write greeting cards for Hallmark?” Jon asked.
Brendan shot him a look but didn’t retort.
“Change can be good. This year is way better than last year!” Tim said.
“In more ways than one,” Shawn said as he gazed at Tristan.
“You should go out for football next year, Dane,” Tim said.
“Uh, no!” Brandon said. “If he’s going to play a sport, soccer is the way to go. Soccer rules here, and everyone knows it!”
Jon didn’t argue with Brandon for once, but then he was a soccer player, too.
“Maybe so, but his boyfriend doesn’t play soccer. He plays football!” Tim said.
“Are you sure?” Brandon asked. “We all know he cheats on you with Jacob, so he might have another boy or two stashed away somewhere.”
“Never,” Tim said. “Besides, Dane has way more taste than to go for a soccer player.”
“That’s true,” I said.
“You stay out of this,” Jon said.
I stuck my tongue out at him.
“Brandon has a boyfriend on the soccer team, at least that’s what I heard,” Jon said.
“You wish. You wish it was you! You’re the team blowjob boy! You take care of everyone!”
“Only when you’re not around to bend over.”
“And they’re off,” Shawn said.
Our table sat back and listened as Brandon and Jon went off on each other. I was so glad they weren’t graduating in May. What would I do without The Brandon & Jon Show?
When the bell rang, Tim and I dumped our trays and then walked back towards our lockers.
“Remember how we used to sneak off during lunch?” I asked.
“How could I forget? I miss the noon-time quickies, but now…mmm.”
“True, and there’s the added bonus of not having to worry about getting expelled if we get caught.”
“Yeah, I wouldn’t want to face your parents if we got caught doing it at school. Oww.”
“They aren’t stupid. They know we mess around.”
“Yeah, but they’re in denial.”
“True that,” I said. “You think Shawn and Tristan have done it yet?”
“Not a chance! They haven’t even gone out on a real date yet. It’s as though they’re some old-fashioned couple from the 1950s.”
“Come on, guys our age were just as horny in the ‘50s as we are now. I bet they had plenty of sex back then. It just wasn’t as out in the open,” I said.
“You may be right, but how can they stand it?” Tim asked.
“I bet Shawn wants it bad, but I don’t know about Tristan.”
“Come on, I know he’s like all intellectual, but he’s still a guy. Guys need it.”
“True. I need it right now,” Tim said.
“Hold onto that thought.”
“You know…we haven’t gone all the way yet…” Tim said suggestively.
I began to breathe a little harder, and something else was harder, too. I’d given some thought to what it would be like when Tim and I finally went all the way.
“Maybe we should.”
Tim and I gazed at each other. The possibility excited me beyond belief, but frightened me a little, too. Tim and I hadn’t discussed going all the way much before, only to say it was something we were saving for later. We had been going together for quite a while now, so I guess now qualified as later. I wondered if Tim was a top, a bottom, or versatile. For that matter, I wasn’t so sure about my own preferences. I’d never topped, and I’d only bottomed once. That hurt like hell, but then being forced by Boothe made the experience useless for figuring out if I liked it or not. With Boothe it wasn’t sex, it was violence. Tim and I needed to discuss our preferences before we did the deed. That was going to have to wait, though. I could just imagine some of our classmates overhearing that conversation!
Tim and I went our separate ways. My afternoon classes were pretty cool. I had P.E
. last period so it was kind of like getting out of school early. Calisthenics sucked, but I mostly liked P.E. at VHS. I wasn’t exactly athletic, yet I was in pretty good shape and well-coordinated, so nothing gave me too much trouble.
There was some fine scenery in the showers, but I didn’t look around too much. For one thing I was out, and I didn’t want to make the guys uncomfortable by checking them out. For another thing, I had a boyfriend, and too much sightseeing in the showers would have felt like cheating. Besides, I had Tim, so I didn’t need anyone else. He was hotter than any of the guys in the showers, at least to me.
Tim walked me home after school. It was my favorite part of the day. I not only loved being with Tim, but I loved anticipating that time with him. Tim walked me home most every afternoon. Throughout my day, I went to my classes knowing that, after school, I’d be walking along with Tim at my side. That knowledge made me feel comfortable and warm inside. Our walk home wasn’t just a walk; it was more. I don’t think I can even put what I mean into words. Walking home together was an expression of our love and our commitment to each other. Our walk was about companionship, friendship, and the intimate connection we shared. To anyone watching, we just looked like two boys walking together, but we were much more.
More often than not, Tim took me home by a roundabout route. I think our after-school walks were as special to him as they were to me. We walked past lawns just now getting to the point they needed to be mowed, freshly hoed flowerbeds with green sprouts that hinted at the daisies, marigolds, other flowers that would soon reach for the sun, and other flowerbeds with tulips and daffodils in full bloom. We walked in the sun and in the shade of the giant oaks and maples. Spring was upon us in full force. I could smell it in the very air.
I wasn’t sure how long Verona had been here, but a lot of the trees looked as if they must’ve been around for at least a hundred years and maybe twice that long. Most of the houses were old, too. I bet most of them were in use when the old Verona School was open. Some of them were obviously a good deal older. I knew the Graymoor Mansion murders occurred in the 1870s, and I doubted it was new then, so it was well over a century old. It was very hard to find a house that looked as if it had been around for less than fifty years. I don’t mean they were all rundown. Most were well kept, except for the Graymoor Mansion, of course. I just didn’t notice any houses that looked very new.
I was reluctant for our walk to end, but eventually Tim led me to my very own door. We kissed briefly, keenly aware that my parents might be watching. I could feel all the love Tim had for me in that brief kiss. Even the memory of it made me smile. Those end-of-walk kisses might be the best kisses of all.
I watched as Tim walked down the sidewalk and disappeared into the distance. I sighed. He’d barely left, and already I yearned to be with him again. Yeah, I had it bad. I grinned.
The cooler air inside the old school was refreshing after my walk. I’d somehow managed to get a little sweaty even though it wasn’t what I’d call hot outside. I didn’t really need a shower, but I wanted to take one. I climbed the stairs to my room, stripped, wrapped a towel around my waist, and headed back downstairs toward the gym. I still felt faintly strange walking around the old school practically naked. At one time the hallways had been filled with kids of all ages as well as teachers. Now, here I was, parading down those same halls with only a small piece of cloth covering my nakedness.
My steps echoed on the wood floor of the old gymnasium. I stopped for a moment to gaze at Jacob in the team photo hanging near the entrance to the locker room. He looked so very handsome in his uniform.
“What do you want from me?” I whispered.
Jacob just kept smiling back at me, unchanging, but the gym now seemed eerily silent, as if it, too, was waiting for a response. A chill went up my spine. I shook my head. I didn’t want to think about Jacob anymore.
The old boys’ locker room was as eerily silent as the gym. The locker room and showers at VHS were filled with boisterous boys after last-period gym—talking, yelling, cracking jokes and swapping insults. I imagined the old locker room and showers here had been much the same once. I didn’t suppose teenagers were that different way back when. I’d bet my balls that guys were just as interested in sex then as now. I kind of doubted they were able to have sex as often as we did now, but that was only a guess. I knew guys like me had to stay completely hidden; at least, that’s the impression I got. That must’ve sucked—or not, if you get what I mean.
I pulled off my towel and hung it on a hook no doubt used by countless guys before me. I wished I could see back into the past and get a good look at the guys who had once used this locker room. I don’t so much mean checking them out in the showers, if that’s what you’re thinking. I just wanted to get an idea of what they looked like and how they acted. Were they like the boys I knew, or were they somehow different?
I pulled out a metal basket from one of the lockers. The baskets had once been used by athletes and gym-class inmates just like the lockers at VHS, but now I kept my soap and shampoo in one of them. Another basket held washcloths, and a couple of others each held a towel. I carried my supplies into the shower area and adjusted the water so it was just warm, but not quite hot.
The water refreshed me as it cascaded down my naked body. I worked shampoo into my hair and then began to wash my face, chest, and the rest of my body. I enjoyed the warm soapy feeling immensely. I think I could have just stood there all day.
As I continued to soap up, I shivered. I added a bit more hot water to the mix. The water flowing over me immediately felt warmer, but the sensation was fleeting. I adjusted the water to make it even hotter with the same result. I felt almost as if I was taking a hot shower outside in the winter. Steam billowed from the cascading water and I began to breathe faster. I didn’t want to turn around. I knew what I’d see if I did. I forced myself to turn. I froze. Jacob stood there gazing at me.
I’d begun to hope that Jacob would leave me alone, but I knew in my heart he’d be back. I didn’t understand what he wanted from me. I’d given him back his coin only to find it around my neck again soon after. Was there some weird connection between Jacob and the necklace? Was he forever doomed to reach out for it but never possess it more than temporarily? Was I doomed to be haunted by him forever? I was scared enough by the simple fact that Jacob was a ghost. The fact that he’d forced Boothe to bring that coin to me is what truly terrified me. Boothe wasn’t an easy one to force into anything.
Why me? What did Jacob want?
This was the first time I’d seen Jacob outside my bedroom. I didn’t like it. It was bad enough he appeared to me at night in my room, but now here he was while I was taking a shower. It wasn’t even properly dark out.
Jacob stepped closer. The cold seemed less intense this time, but perhaps it was only the warmth of the shower. There were no windows in the shower area to frost over as there were in my room, but there was no sign the cold was bitter enough to freeze the water droplets on the floors and walls. Still, the steam coming off the hot water was intense enough that it partly obscured Jacob. It was as if we were standing in a fog bank.
I wasn’t wearing the coin. I’d left it upstairs in my room when I’d stripped for my shower. Jacob reached out to me the same as always, however, just as if I was wearing it. I felt the same rising fear I did every time he approached. Jacob had not tried to harm me yet, but I couldn’t shake the fear.
My heart raced as Jacob closed in on me. Had he gotten so close to me before? He kept coming. I fought to keep myself from backing away. I stood there in the shower, shuddering from the chill of Jacob’s presence and from fear. My breath came faster even as I tried to calm myself.
Jacob closed in on me. I stood my ground, but I was beginning to tremble violently. A scream threatened to rise up out of my throat, but I swallowed it. Jacob gazed directly into my eyes. His eyes were green and his hair black! I’d never been able to make out such details before. I realized with a start that
his face was far less bluish-purple than before, too. He didn’t look natural, but his appearance wasn’t quite so ghoulish. Was it a trick of the light?
I cried out as Jacob reached out and touched me. He touched me! The fingertips of his right hand grazed my chest. His fingers felt chilly but not quite cold. I backed against the wall. Jacob stared directly into my eyes as he ran his hand over my chest. I wanted to bolt, but I could do nothing but keep staring into those eyes.
Then, he was gone. I didn’t even blink. He was simply gone.
The water was now far too hot. I adjusted the temperature and just stood there in the warm spray. My breath slowly returned to normal, and my heart slowed. I looked down. My penis stood straight out from my body. I was rock-hard. That, as much as anything, disturbed me.
I turned off the shower and walked into the locker room to grab my towel. My arousal didn’t diminish. I dried off, hung up my washcloth to dry, and put my soap and shampoo back into their basket. I walked back to my room, still freaked out by my encounter with Jacob in the showers.
It wasn’t until after I’d dressed and was sitting in my chair by the reading lamp that my penis calmed down. I didn’t understand why my body had reacted so powerfully to Jacob. He had touched me, but he merely ran his fingers over my chest. Jacob had been handsome in life and looked as if he’d had a good body, too, but he was dead—cold and dead. His face had appeared less purplish-blue this time, but he still looked dead. I had not felt any attraction for him in the showers. I’d felt only fear. So why…I didn’t want to think about it.
I called Tim and asked if he could come over. I told him only that Jacob had appeared to me again and I was scared. He said he was on his way and hung up.
I walked downstairs and waited for Tim in the entrance hallway. The quiet in the old school disturbed me. I kept expecting to see Jacob come toward me. I jumped when, some minutes later, Tim knocked on the glass of the front doors.
As soon as Tim was inside I pulled him to me and hugged him. He wrapped his strong arms around me and held me tight.
“Dane, you’re shaking.”