by Mark Roeder
“I’m a solitary creature,” Tristan said. “At least I have been. I want to change that somewhat. Sometimes, I think I spend too much time with my art or with my nose poked in a book. I feel as if I’m drawing life and reading about it instead of living it. In Tulsa a lot of people thought I was aloof and even a little snobbish, but the truth is I was just pursuing my own interests. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the company of others. As much as I love school, lunch with the gang is the highlight of my day. The Brandon & Jon Show alone is a blast. It’s just that I’m so interested in reading great novels, drawing, and painting that I largely live in my own head. Like I said, though, I want to change that. I guess you could say I want to be more balanced.”
“Does that mean you’re imbalanced now?”
Tristan threw the paper wrapper of his straw at me.
“Hey, has Dane seen his ghost again?”
“Did my mention of the word imbalanced make you think of Dane?” I asked.
“No. I quite firmly believe in ghosts, especially here recently.”
“The latest, at least I think it’s the latest, is the shower incident.”
“Shower incident?”
“Yeah, Dane told Tim that the ghost appeared to him while he was showering at home. What’s more, it touched him.”
“Touched him?”
“Yeah, it felt his chest.”
“That would be unnerving.”
“Dane is pretty spooked.”
“I would be, too, but I’d also be fascinated. A ghost actually touched him.”
“It was nearly a grope. I don’t know how I’d feel about that.”
“Yeah. Dead boys have never been my type.”
“You’re most discerning,” I said.
“I’d love to get a look at Dane’s ghost.”
“I’m not sure I’d want a look. It’s interesting, but stuff like that freaks me out. Hey, what did you mean when you said you firmly believe in ghosts, especially here recently?”
“Well, I told you about my cousin appearing to me the night he died.”
“Yeah?”
“I saw him again, two nights ago.”
“What happened?”
“He came into my room and looked at me. He was only there a few moments, but I know it was really Taylor. I’d been reading, and I felt someone looking at me. When I looked up, there he was. He was there just to check on me and make sure I was okay. He never spoke, but I know that’s why he was there.”
“Were you scared?”
“No. I was startled, the way you are when someone surprises you. It’s not fear, just momentary shock.”
“I think Dane is telling the truth,” I said. “I don’t think he’s crazy, either, although Tim says Dane is beginning to wonder. He’s the only one who has seen the ghost.”
“I think it’s far more likely he’s being haunted than going insane. I don’t think ghost sightings are nearly as rare as most believe.”
Our food arrived. My pasta was delicious, and Tristan’s salad was enormous. Neither was a surprise. We sat and ate and talked and laughed. I was finally having the date with Tristan I’d dreamed about for so long. I hoped this was the beginning of a long and serious relationship, but I wasn’t going to get ahead of myself. I planned to enjoy what I had, and if our feelings for each other deepened, so much the better.
An hour later, Tristan and I sipped our drinks while the waiter boxed up my fettuccine. I don’t think I ate a third of it. Tristan ate most of his Caesar salad but not all.
When we stepped outside, darkness had fallen. I drew close to Tristan, and he took my hand. The marquee lights of the Paramount lit the sidewalk with flashing light as we passed underneath. I couldn’t wait until Tristan and I could watch a movie there together, sitting close, my arm around his shoulder, perhaps sharing a kiss. That’s not quite true. As eager as I was for that event, I could wait. I was content to walk by Tristan’s side, holding hands, as we left the lights of the old theatre behind. Tristan even leaned his head against my shoulder for a while as we walked and talked. I don’t think I could possibly have been any happier.
I walked Tristan home under the moonlight. We paused before his door. I didn’t want to move too fast, but…I leaned in and kissed him. Tristan kissed me back.
“I had a wonderful time tonight,” he said.
“Does that mean we can go out again?”
“Of course,” said Tristan.
I gave him a hug.
“Good night,” I said.
“Sweet dreams.”
Tristan turned and went inside. I walked down the steps. Sweet dreams. There was little doubt of that.
I walked home in the moonlight, humming to myself. I felt as if I was inside a movie, a musical to be precise. I was only a step away from dancing and singing my way down the sidewalk. I laughed out loud at the thought, then looked around to see if anyone noticed my bizarre outburst. I was quite alone, but I truly didn’t care if I made a fool of myself or not. I hadn’t been this happy…ever.
I felt like running, but I wanted to savor this moment. My date with Tristan was magnificent! Yes, I’d said and done a few less-than-intelligent things, but Tristan didn’t care. Tim was right. Tristan liked me, imperfections included.
I walked on, thinking my thoughts of Tristan, noticing how the moonlight gave everything a silvery-bluish glow. I loved the night. It was mysterious and romantic, quiet and peaceful. I wanted to take Tristan on a moonlit picnic. We could eat and talk and lie back and watch the stars. There was so much I wanted to do with Tristan. I was glad I’d met him now. I just knew that one lifetime with him wouldn’t be enough. What if we hadn’t met until we were thirty or forty? I supposed the “what ifs” didn’t matter. There were too many of them to consider anyway.
Once home, I ran up the stairs, entered the apartment, and gave Tim a big hug.
“Whoa! If you were any happier you’d turn into a Disney character. I take it your date went well?”
“It was wonderful! Tristan was wonderful! The whole night was…”
“Let me guess, wonderful?”
“Yes!”
I hugged Tim again.
“You are so lucky Brandon and Jon aren’t here to see this. You’d never hear the end of it.”
“I wouldn’t care.”
“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were drunk.”
“I’m drunk on love!”
“Oh, my God. I cannot believe you just said that. You are such a dork.”
“Yes! I am!”
I laughed. Tim laughed, too, and I have no doubt he was laughing at me, but I didn’t care.
“I was just getting ready to have some coffee. I’ll make you some tea,” Tim said. “Sit down, lover boy.”
I sat at the table while Tim put a kettle on in the kitchen.
“Where’s Dane? I thought he’d be over tonight.”
“We had a quick fuck, and then he went home.”
I raised my eyebrow.
“Actually, he had tons of homework, so he was busy tonight. I’ve been writing a paper while you’ve been out having fun.”
“Sounds fair.”
“Shut up, or I’ll tell Brandon and Jon what a dork you are.”
“Oh, like they don’t already know.”
“Yeah, I guess it is common knowledge.”
I stuck out my tongue.
Soon, we were sitting across the table from each other, Tim with his coffee and me with my tea.
“So, did you get any?” Tim asked.
“Tim! My goal with Tristan isn’t to get some. I just want to be with him.”
“Come on. I know you’re in love with him, but isn’t the ultimate goal in any romantic relationship to get naked?”
“It’s a goal, a part of the relationship, but it’s not the ultimate goal.”
“So you didn’t get any.”
“It was our first date, Tim. I want more than just sex with Tristan. If I just wanted sex, I’d call up Blake.”
; “Or Marc.” Tim grinned.
“Or Marc. I want Tristan, yeah. I want him so bad I can’t stand it. I want his companionship and his love even more than that. If we start out with sex, that’s most likely all it will ever be. If we take it slow, we’ll have time to become intimate friends, then lovers.”
“Is that you or Tristan talking?”
“Both. I wanted to start dating him the moment he walked into Ofarim’s that night, but even then I wanted more than just to get into his pants. I probably would have screwed things up by moving too fast. Sometimes, I think with my dick. That doesn’t change my intentions, though. I want sex, but I want everything else, too.”
“Yep. You’re in love.”
“Don’t you want more than just sex with Dane? Don’t you have more? I know you’re both horny little bastards, but isn’t there more between you than just sex?”
“First of all, neither of us is little, thank you very much. Second of all, there is more than just sex between us. Sex is a big part of our relationship, but I get what you’re saying. I love Dane. He’s my best friend as well as my boyfriend. What I’m saying, though, is that getting to sex, getting to that level of physical intimacy, is the goal of any romantic relationship. You see what I mean?”
“Maybe we’re talking about the same thing, just with different emphasis. The goal is to become intimate, but it’s the non-physical parts of that intimacy that are truly the goal. Sex is biology. Intimacy is emotion. I’ve been physically intimate with Blake and Marc. I haven’t been with Tristan, but I feel closer to Tristan. I have feelings for Marc, but not nearly as strong as I have for Tristan. Blake…well, I like Blake, but there’s nothing there but sex. If sex was the ultimate goal, then a hookup would suffice. Sex is intimate, but it’s got to be combined with emotion to really mean something. Without those feelings it’s just nature and lust.”
“Okay, I guess we are talking about the same thing. You’re just so love-struck you’re thinking like a poet.”
“Me? A poet?”
“I didn’t say you were a poet; I said you’re thinking like one. You’re so in love with Tristan that you’d be spouting Shakespeare if you knew any.”
“Well, you’re thinking like a horny, teenaged boy.”
“Which is exactly what I am!”
Tim laughed, and so did I.
“I’m glad you’re happy, Shawn; you deserve to be happy. I don’t often say it, but I appreciate everything you do for me. I don’t know where I’d be if it wasn’t for you. Maybe I’d be at home still getting beat on. Maybe I’d be living on the streets. I don’t know, but…I know you’ve sacrificed a lot. I’m going to get a part-time job this summer to help out. I’m going to start pulling my weight a little more. You’ve been letting me just be a kid, but I’m not really a kid anymore.”
“I just want us to have a chance, Tim. I want us to be happy. You’ve made sacrifices, too, and you’ve helped me out in ways you don’t even realize. I don’t know if I could have done this all on my own. You’re a really good brother.”
“Damn, why wasn’t I taping this?”
“As if I would have said that if you were recording it. I mean it, though, Tim. I’m lucky to have such a good brother.”
“Me, too.” Tim paused. “Do you think Tom will ever change, Shawn? He wasn’t always… I don’t understand how he could have gone so bad.”
“I don’t know, Tim. Part of me wishes he could be here with us, but I’m afraid that’s just a fantasy. I don’t know why he is like he is. If he was here, it would probably be much the same as before. Even if he wasn’t in prison, I wouldn’t want him here, not after everything he did, not after the way he treated us both.”
“I wasn’t exactly kind to you back then.”
“You were afraid, Tim. No one can blame you for that. I don’t. I understand. You were never as bad as Tom, not even close.”
“He really would have killed Brendan, wouldn’t he?” Tim asked.
“Yeah, I think so.”
“Are you afraid of what will happen when he gets out?”
“Yeah, but I don’t worry about it. Tom probably does blame me for getting caught, but he would have gotten caught even if I hadn’t slowed him down and helped Brendan get away. Taking a gun to school… How could he not have gotten caught?”
“You saved Brendan’s life and maybe the lives of others.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. It’s all over now, anyway. I wish things could be different, but wishing won’t make it happen. How did we get on this topic anyway? I want to talk about Tristan!”
Tim rolled his eyes.
“So talk, but I get to talk about Dane!”
“Deal, but no sexual details.”
“Are you sure?” Tim grinned.
We sat there talking, long into the night. It was one of those times I’d probably remember forever. I certainly hoped so.
Dane
I awakened wearing Jacob’s coin. I didn’t even notice it until I looked in the bathroom mirror. I didn’t remember putting it on the night before. I didn’t wear it all that often anymore, but sometimes I felt compelled to do so. I didn’t want to wear it, and yet…I did. I usually took it off to sleep, but there it was, resting against my chest. I just stood there and gazed at my reflection: me wearing the coin against my bare chest. For a few moments I felt as if I was someone else.
I’d slept well. I drifted off with Tim at my side and hadn’t awakened until my alarm sounded. I had no idea when Tim left.
I wrapped a towel around my waist and headed for the showers as I did every morning. This time I did so with trepidation. What if Jacob was in there waiting for me? What if he appeared and touched me again? Before, I only had to worry about him coming into my room at night. Now, he could appear anywhere at anytime. Or could he? Weren’t ghosts bound to certain locations? I knew so little about ghosts.
I couldn’t help but look around as I entered the showers and turned on the water. I kept my eyes open during my shower, except when I had to close them to keep from getting soap in my eyes. I scanned the shower room. I knew I was being paranoid, but being haunted by a dead boy has that effect on a person.
I finished my shower without incident, got ready for school, had breakfast, and headed out.
Tim made no mention of Jacob at school, and I didn’t either. I just didn’t want to talk about him. There was no way I was going to tell the guys about getting hard when Jacob was with me, but even mentioning he’d come to me while I was showering would give Brandon and Jon too much ammunition. I loved it when they joked around, and I didn’t mind being the butt of their jokes at times, but I didn’t think the whole Jacob situation was funny. I didn’t want to be reminded about him, either. He’d been on my mind too much since my disturbing encounter.
I spotted Tim and Shawn talking together between classes. Shawn was just a bit taller, but they were so similar in appearance even strangers had to know they were brothers. I wondered what the odds were of brothers being gay? As far as I knew, their older brother wasn’t, but still, that left two out of three. I wondered sometimes if Tim had fooled around with Shawn. Two gay boys living in the same room sounded like a recipe for sex to me. I know incest was supposed to be bad, but I wasn’t quite sure if I agreed. Hetero incest could lead to mentally retarded kids, but that couldn’t happen with homo incest. I was an only child, so I didn’t know if I would have been attracted to my own brother or not. If I had a brother, the thought of sex with him might have been a total turnoff, even if he was attractive. I was hot for a couple of cousins, but they weren’t my brothers. An image of Tim and Shawn doing it entered my mind. I banished it, not because it disturbed me, but because I didn’t need any help getting turned on.
One thing was for sure, Tim and Shawn were both hot! Maybe the stereotype about all the hottest guys being gay was true. It sure was in my experience; Tim, Shawn, Ethan, and Brendan were all major hunks. Tristan wasn’t a stud like the others, but he was extremely handsome and sexy. Nat
han and Casper weren’t stud muffins either, but they were cute and sexy. I wasn’t hard on the eyes, either, if I do say so myself.
Thinking about all the hot gay boys I knew was a mistake. It sexually aroused me to the point of desperate need. Tim and I hadn’t messed around last night. I was too frightened and freaked out to think much about sex. Besides, I didn’t want Tim to think that I wanted him because Jacob had turned me on. That would have been messed up.
I left school that afternoon with a ton of homework, but that was okay with me because I was still feeling skittish. I knew it was stupid, but feelings don’t have to make sense. Tim called around eight. Talking to him made me feel safer. His sexy voice calmed and comforted me. We made plans to try to get together the next night because we were both needing it bad! I was tempted to forget my homework and race over to Tim’s place, but if I let my grades slip because I was spending too much time with Tim, there would be trouble. Besides, I took a certain amount of masochistic pleasure in sexually denying myself. Tomorrow evening was going to be hot!
I went to bed about ten. My bed was comfy, but I lay there with my ears strained. I don’t know why. I’d never heard Jacob approach in our previous encounters. He didn’t appear rattling chains like the ghost of the same name from A Christmas Carol. He was just suddenly there. That was worse in a way, and yet the whole clinking chains thing would have freaked me out. My Jacob was way hotter than the one in the Dickens story, if you could get past the whole being-dead thing.
I lay there, thinking about my sexy boyfriend and the things we’d be doing the next evening. I got so worked up I needed to relieve the pressure, but I didn’t allow myself. Maybe my worked-up state would cause me to dream about Tim. I hoped so. Now, that would be an intense dream!
I drifted off to sleep, but I don’t remember if I dreamed about Tim or not. I awakened with a shiver some time later. I have no idea how much time had passed. It could have been minutes or hours. A gasp escaped from my lips, and my butt hit the floor about two seconds later as I tried to flee. I’d awakened to find Jacob caressing my bare chest. I stood up, putting the bed between us. I grabbed up the sheet to cover my nakedness. I didn’t like Jacob seeing my stuff, especially after he’d been caressing me in my sleep. Who knew what he’d done before I’d awakened?