“I got into a few. It didn’t matter in the end.” Tommy kicked at the water. Foam from the waves coated his foot.
“Why not?”
“I always wanted to go to Michigan State. I applied even though my parents didn’t really want me to. Told them it was my safety school.”
“Why didn’t they want you to go there?” They reached the near end of the public beach.
Uncomfortable with the turn in conversation, Tommy gestured toward the tree line. “Have you been to the playground with your other cousins? The younger ones, I mean.”
Chase paused, as though he was trying to read Tommy’s face, then shrugged, accepting the change in subject. “No, I didn’t know there was one.”
“Come on, I’ll show you. It’s a nice distraction when the little kids get stir crazy.”
They picked their way through the sharp grass and over a small incline. The playground had a wooden roundabout that Tommy knew would never be allowed on newer playgrounds. Both Hannah and Ethan had fallen off of it when the momentum from spinning got too strong. Still, they always begged him to spin it for them. When their parents weren’t around, he did. A few scraped knees never killed anyone.
The playground was empty. The tall trees created a hushed canopy.
“Come on,” Chase caught his hand briefly, tugging him toward the swings. He let go too soon, so much sooner than Tommy would want. Reading into the touch wouldn’t help the burgeoning hardcore crush. It was a friendly touch and nothing more. He followed gamely. Chase settled on a swing and nodded at the one next to him. Tommy sat, watching as Chase built momentum. Tommy listened to the quiet of the trees, searched for the sound of water, and enjoyed the pocket of calm. Chase slowed his swinging after a few minutes.
“What about you?” Tommy asked.
“What do you mean?”
“You’re graduating from high school, too, right?”
“Oh! Yeah. I’m going to Tulane.”
“Wow.” Tommy let that sink in. “God, that’s so far away,”
“Yeah,” Chase said. He rested his head against the swing chain. “It’ll be weird, being so far from home, but I’m really excited.”
I’m terrified. Tommy swallowed the words. How embarrassing, to be so nervous about moving one hour from his family when this boy was traveling almost an entire country away.
“Sounds like you’re an adventure seeker.” Tommy said. The smile he got, wide and warm, was worth hiding his anxieties and insecurities. Chase’s sunglasses were pushed up; his hair was a mess above them, and his were eyes bright and beautifully framed by dark lashes. Chase did seem interested in him, and no one would be interested in a boy so cowardly he was scared to leave a home he sometimes got very tired of.
Louisiana, though, that was something. Chase was something, something else. And this moment, fingertips still tingling from Chase’s touch, what was that? Tommy met Chase’s eyes and matched his smile. It took some work and wasn’t as genuine. But then again, Chase didn’t know him well enough to read him. This—this smile and the brief touch of Chase’s fingers curling around his, the assessing and interested gaze—was a blip. Two lives colliding for the briefest moment. Tommy had never had this: a boy interested in him, a boy who wasn’t hiding it, an opportunity.
And in the end, it would amount to nothing. It would come and go, and who would Tommy be then?
Chase stopped swinging. Tommy wasn’t sure what his face was doing, but it was enough to give Chase pause. Chase closed his hand around Tommy’s forearm. His touch was electrifying, too much despite being almost nothing at all. Suspended in the moment, Tommy had to catch his breath.
On the beach, a child wailed. The suddenness of the cry broke their moment.
“We should get back,” Tommy said. He stood and tried so, so hard not to catalogue the ways the simplest touch had awakened his whole body. In fact, he had to push the thought away.
“Okay.” Chase stood, allowing Tommy to redirect them yet again.
Tommy lingered in bed on Tuesday as long as he dared. Gray clouds scudded in low, but his weather app assured him it would be warm and mostly sunny in the afternoon. He thumbed over to his message app. Texts exchanged with Chase ran late into the night.
Chase: Epic Volleyball tourney planned today. Be on our team?
Tommy: Are you looking to epically lose? ;)
Chase: Looking for an epic good time
Tommy had given himself a good five minutes to settle the flutters in his stomach that one set off.
Tommy: Can’t say no to that.
With breakfast came the rude smack of reality.
“This is a family vacation, Thomas,” his mother said, plopping pancakes onto his plate. Tommy thumbed up syrup that was splattered on the tablecloth.
“I know! God, I know. I’m here, aren’t I?” His shoulders, taut and pulled up, began to ache.
“Sleeping in a cottage doesn’t imply active participation in a family vacation. Actually doing stuff does.”
Across from him Jerry’s eyes meet his, sympathetic but silent. Traitor.
“You’ve got to be kidding! Haven’t I been watching the kids, taking them swimming, helping with lunches and sunscreen and playing freaking ice cream palace with buckets of sand for hours? Mom, I’m eighteen.”
Elise set down a bowl of fresh fruit hard enough that he worried for its continued structural integrity.
“And just what does that mean?” Jeez, his mom could freeze water when she was pissed.
“That it’s not always fun! That there are kids my age up here, finally, and it’s been nice to spend a little time with them.” Tommy threw his hands up. He tried to leave the table, but the heavy wooden chair caught on a deck plank, effectively ruining his snit. “Look, Mom.” He took a deep breath and tried to settle his thumping heart. “I do love coming here. And I love playing with Hanna and Ethan. Trust me, I want this family time, because soon–” His voice broke, which caught her attention. Jerry put his fork down and cradled his coffee while watching with careful eyes.
“Tommy, we’re still always going to do these family things,” he said. “You’ll always be welcome.”
“What?” His mom turned to Jerry. “You say that like there would be a reason for him not to feel welcome.”
“You mean, like I might choose not to come,” Tommy clarified, holding Jerry’s gaze. Jerry nods.
“Well, that’s— That’s just— Of course— ” She stopped and gathered herself. Unasked, she spooned fruit onto his plate, directly into the syrup pooled to the side of his pancake. Gross. Still, he ate it, just to create space between their words and too many feelings. He wanted to reassure her, tell her of course he’d keep coming with them. Mostly, he was confident he wouldn’t want to miss this. But everything—everything—was about to change, and he had no idea what that really meant.
“Mom.” He couldn’t take the silence anymore. “C’mon.” He didn’t clarify what he wanted, because he didn’t know. But he really hated her being mad at him. He really, really, didn’t feel like shopping in tiny tourist traps and eating ice cream and going to the vintage motorhome expo Jerry was so excited to see.
“You’ll have a family day tomorrow.” Elise compromised, voice steel and eyes tight. “We’re going to the arboretum.”
“Of course.” An easy promise and a simple compromise. He loved the arboretum. It was by far his favorite place in Caseville.
“And you’ll make smart choices.” The look on her face brokered no give, no other option than agreement—which he would give anyway.
“Mom, I always make smart choices.” The levity fell flat. “No, really. I’ve worked hard to be responsible and make good choices all my life, even when there was a lot of pressure this last year not to.” Tommy didn’t want to be that kid who let too loose in college, who had been so straight-laced he had no idea
how to manage newfound freedom. Every choice he’d made—drinks turned down, parties he attended as the designated driver, gatherings he avoided because there would be drugs there—had been conscious and deliberate. Maybe that was partly because he was scared, but also because he was responsible. “I’ve always made those choices for me though. I don’t make them because you force me. I’d really like it if you gave me more credit than this.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry.” She squeezed his hand. All of the unsaid, potential words hanging in the air, heavy as rain-laden clouds, went unspoken. Tommy forced himself to finish breakfast, even if it sat like rocks in his stomach.
Every year, his family suited up and went for a hike at the Huron County Nature Center & Wilderness Arboretum. Despite it being summer, long sleeves, pants, even hooded sweaters were necessary. The arboretum was beautiful, in spirit and place. But also swarmed with mosquitos.
The evening before, a storm unlike they’d never experienced in all the years they’d been coming had torn through, leaving them powerless. In the late afternoon, the clouds had gathered, dark and rich gray against waters that were impossibly teal. He’d instagrammed a picture. Ten minutes later the storm hit the house so hard it shook with winds so strong he’d struggled to close the inner door from the porch. Out back, between the cottage and Mare’s garage, Jerry and Greg, Mare’s partner, struggled to pull the flaming grill into the garage. Greg’s hat was sucked up into the wind, and some of Mare’s roof tiles sheered away.
As quickly as it had come, it was gone. Within an hour, the sun shone weakly, and they were trying to determine how long they would be without power. The storm had cut through the thumb of Michigan’s mitten, leaving thousands without power. Brisk wind averaging twenty miles per hour had made it impossible to go near the water in the storm’s wake. Jerry had tried, gamely, to make a sheltered fort area for the kids to play in. Without power, they knew it was only a matter of time before the kids were stir crazy. But no matter what they did, the wind picked up the sand, pelting them. The water was rough and too cold for swimming.
Warmer clothes worked well for their trip, and the winds were not nearly as rough inland, especially once they were under the canopy of ancient trees.
Every year, they paused at the start of the path into the trees, and Jerry let the kids choose their route. “Remember the numbers, kids, because you’re gonna be the guides.”
Ethan pointed to the very top of the map. “Up to station seven,” he said.
“Can we go over the boardwalk?” Hannah asked. Ethan traced the path that would take them through the marsh and to the end of the trail before it naturally doubled back.
“Of course you both pick the longest trail,” Tommy said. He poked Ethan’s side, eliciting giggles. “You’re way too old for anyone to carry you. You’ll have to soldier on when you get tired.”
“We won’t get tired,” Hannah promised. Tommy rolled his eyes at his mom, who shrugged. They would; they always did.
At first, they searched for deer and raccoons. Ethan was on a salamander kick, having just read about them. Any time a leaf so much as rustled, he insisted it must be a salamander. They all played along. Tommy pointed to birch bark, curled like white paper in the underbrush. Here, somehow, the birch trees seemed to have avoided or survived the birch borers which had killed off so many others throughout Michigan.
“We’ll never spot animals if you don’t shush a little,” Jerry noted placidly when Ethan began to shout about a chickadee. Why he was so excited by a bird they saw daily at their own bird feeder, Tommy didn’t know.
Half an hour later, Tommy lagged behind. The forest breathed green, trees teeming with something old and calm. Far above him, the trees muttered, chatting with the wind. He closed his eyes and soaked in the palpable magic. When he opened his eyes, his family were far ahead of him. His mother tossed a look over her shoulder just before they disappeared over a hill. He gestured to his left, indicating he was going to go his own way. With a half wave, she walked on. A little way down the fork in the path, he came across a small wooden structure with benches that overlooked a small hill. The forest floor was carpeted in ferns and small plants. Squirrels rustled among fallen branches. He took a few pictures and moved on, crossed the low planks over muddy ground that led to a raised boardwalk with a beautiful view of marsh and swamp grasses. Soon enough his family would meet him from the opposite direction, but, for now, he allowed himself some reflective moments. The sun was bright, but the day was still cool. The trees stirred. Years of visits had taught him to balance soaking in these vistas with helping to manage his siblings, who, year after year, insisted on trying to climb the railings to see better. Somehow, he’d never been here alone.
Many new moments were coming soon. No, Tommy would not be alone; he’d have a roommate and friends and classmates. But he might never be this Tommy ever again. He would always be a shadow, a new version imprinted on the collective memory of his family. Stomach dropping, Tommy let himself consider, really and truly for the first time, whether he was ready for that.
Chapter Four
Breakfast Thursday was dry cereal and apples: fruit that hadn’t spoiled. The cottage was still dark. Mare kept them updated on the constantly changing estimates for when power would come back. She’d been promised it would be sometime that day.
“If it doesn’t come back on, Jerry, I think we should consider a hotel or home.” Elise sighed. Hanna and Ethan were fighting over a puzzle Tommy had set down for them. The wind had died down a little, but the water was still rough.
“We can wait it out for the day. Mare said the wind should ease up by afternoon. We can go putt-putting.”
“Really? I—” Tommy paused at the loud knock on the back door.
Chase huddled in the alcove between buildings. “Hey, you,” he said with a tentative smile. They’d texted a time or two yesterday, but both had wanted to conserve battery power on their phones. “Still doing the family-only thing?”
Tommy stepped out and spoke quietly. “Oh, my god, I hope not, I need a break like whoa.”
“Well, if you want, we’re having a big euchre tournament. You’re all welcome to come.”
“All?” Tommy leaned against the wall, arms behind his back and one foot propped up behind him, daring and exposed and utterly unlike himself. The only flirting he knew how to do was borrowed from movies.
“Well, I definitely need a partner, but I know you’re all probably bored. The littles are going to have their own card games.”
“I’ll ask. I mean, I’m a yes,” he promised recklessly, not really caring if his mother was okay with it. After their fight Tuesday and the tension Wednesday, and after heavy reflection and a growing understanding of what independence may mean for him, Tommy wanted to make a choice for himself, unapologetically and selfishly.
Well, he’d probably still be a little worried that his mom would be upset, but Rome wasn’t built in a day.
In the end, Hannah and Ethan voted for a trip to mini golf; Tommy was more grateful than he should have been, both for the break from his family and for the potential of more flirtation with Chase without his parents’ observation.
Chase’s family was loud and comfortable. Their banter was inappropriate and hilarious; Tommy hadn’t laughed so hard in a long time. Unfortunately, he wasn’t terrifically skilled at euchre, and he and Chase were perhaps not the best partners, especially because Chase kept knocking his feet against Tommy’s under the table. It was distracting, but also more exciting than it should be. Eliminated early, Chase sat him in a corner to teach him a speed game called Oh Heck.
“Oh, my god, stop, stop, stop!” While he might have picked up on the gist of the game and the rules, he by no means was experienced enough to match Chase’s speed.
“Heck!” Chase called, arms in the air when he played his last card. Tommy threw his cards at him, laughing through his protests.
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“Aren’t you supposed to take it easy on me? I’m new!”
“No mercy,” Chase said. “Go big or go home. Accept nothing but the—”
“No more platitudes,” Tommy was laughing too hard to do more than poke Chase with his foot. Across the room, Jake cheered—he and his mom were slaying all of their opponents.
“This is a nice cottage,” Tommy said. He started sorting cards with Chase. “It’s airy.”
“Haven’t you ever been in here before? You’ve been coming here for years.”
“No, I’ve never seen any of the other cottages.”
Chase took Tommy’s deck and wordlessly put it in its box.
“We done?” Tommy cocked his head.
“Do you want to? See the others?” Chase cleared his throat. “You can see ours, if you want.”
“Oh,” Tommy said. This wasn’t an invitation, like, invitation was it? “Yeah, sure. If that’s fine with—”
“Oh, no one minds,” Chase said easily. Tommy marveled at this and at the other hints of freedom with which he’d seen Chase’s parents entrust him.
“Yeah.” He could be brave. Invitation or not, Tommy thought that maybe the chance would be worth it.
Bravery, apparently, took him only so far. The cottage Chase shared with his cousins was small: a little room with a twin bed, a loft, and a pull-out couch that had been messily pushed back together so sheets and blankets trailed from between the cushions.
Chase leaned against the wood paneled wall in the “hall” outside what he’d said was his room.
“Rock, paper, scissors,” he explained. “Cheryl has the loft.”
“Cozy.” Tommy stood, arms akimbo, unsure where he was meant to be. There was hardly room to move; almost any spot was in most rooms at once. The kitchen was nothing more than a fridge, a two-burner stove, and a counter the size of a postage stamp. His stomach and chest fizzed.
“Hey, wanna play again? I’m not sure I’m really getting it.” Not at all the flirtatious gambit he’d hoped for. Cracking under pressure, he offered a stalling tactic that sounded silly even to his own ears.
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