by Rae Agatha
Nobody was suspecting anything, they were both very cautious when they were back in town, and they would never tell their parents they would go camping alone, only the two of them. The official version was that they had joined a new group of campers, a mix of people from the scouts, from some catholic youth organizations, that the new group started during their very first trip in May. Matylda and Dorota would often joke they were like Ennis and Jack from “Brokeback Mountain”, another story that Matylda was introduced to by her lover, a story she would never have a chance to get to know otherwise; it wasn’t exactly reflecting her parents’ literature taste.
In December Adam came for Christmas to visit them. Ewa and Piotr were incredibly happy and excited, they were absolutely sure that Adam would stay, that he would recall his wonderful life in the family home, and he would miss it so much he wouldn’t be able to go back to England. Matylda knew it was all completely groundless; she regularly spoke with Adam on the phone, she knew that he started his own company, he had a bike shop where he would not only sell but also repair bicycles, something he was completely crazy about - the two-wheeled vehicles fan that he had always been. Matylda also knew Adam lived with his girlfriend, something she had to swear not to tell their parents. It wasn’t any big problem for her, she wouldn’t think of sharing anything personal or intimate with them anyway, especially nothing concerning someone else. The news made Matylda smile, though, as she thought that now they both had secret girlfriends.
The Christmas time was difficult for all of them. Adam arrived home a day before Christmas Eve. He was very glad to see Matylda, but only partially happy to see his parents. It felt obvious. Adam was laconically telling them about his life in England; he was renting an apartment in Liverpool, his company was doing well, he employed one more worker, but had so many clients he was considering getting one more person to help. Just as he was getting a bit more relaxed at home, their parents asked him if he didn’t feel it was time to come back home, to his family, to God. Adam took a deep breath and patiently asked them if they were listening to what he was just saying, that he liked his British life, that he felt good there, was becoming successful with his bicycle store. Ewa said she did hear everything clearly, but they couldn’t believe that being away from one’s motherland could actually make anybody happy. Adam looked at her and at Piotr, sighed and decided not to say anything. It was pointless. It was Christmas, he came home after more than a year and a half and fighting with his parents four hours after he had walked inside the house was not an option. He asked Matylda if she wanted to go for a walk, and soon they were both outside.
She was wondering if it was safe to tell Adam about Dorota, but decided not to do it. He did get free from their toxic home, but she had no idea how much of their parents’ preaching he did respect, how much he didn’t, she was afraid that if she told him she was gay, he would reject her. Besides, Dorota was away with her family, they went to visit her grandparents for Christmas and she wouldn’t be back until the beginning of January, so there was no need to tell Adam anything.
He told her a lot about his life in Liverpool, about his girlfriend, about how he learned to breathe deeper when he moved out. She understood him, she had some kind of a substitute of that feeling every time she went camping with Dorota. Adam told her he really wanted her to come to him after her final exams in high school, which were to take place in May. Matylda was very happy he kept on inviting her, she truly cherished the fact she mattered to him so much, that he wanted a better life for her. They were walking around the town for about two hours and finally came back home to help their mom preparing Wigilia a Christmas Eve supper.
Half of the Christmas time they spent in church, the other half at home, eating, watching television, talking. There were no more fights between Adam and the parents, but the atmosphere was quite dense. They felt disappointed he was going back to Liverpool even though they specifically asked him to stay, he felt he wasn’t able to talk to them as openly as he would want, because he knew they wouldn’t understand or come to terms with many things. Like the fact he was living with his girlfriend while not being married, or that he was renting his apartment from a gay couple, or that he had happened to smoke pot a couple of times. There was no slightest point in telling them that; mother would have most probably started crying and praying, father would have most probably kicked him out of the house.
Two days before the New Year, Adam came back to Liverpool. Matylda was about to spend the last night of 2002 alone at home as the parents were going to a New Year vigil in the church, to pray for a good year. When the sky was lit with exploding fireworks, Matylda sent a kiss to Dorota. Two minutes later she received a kiss back. Matylda smiled. She was looking forward to 2003.
VIII
“You know what?” Dorota said smiling. They were lying naked in their tent during their first camping after the winter break. It was the beginning of April, the ground was still quite cold, but it was already warm enough to sleep in the tent, although they had to put on a lot of warm clothes to feel comfortable.
“What?”
“I’ve just thought that, technically, we’re still virgins,” she snorted with laugher. Matylda laughed, too.
“Yeah, guess you’re right. So, we’re clear,” she said.
“Totally, we still have a chance to go to heaven,” Dorota replied.
Their tent was lit by the full moon. It was the middle of the night, they were lying in silence, listening to the leaves rustling. Dorota looked at Matylda seriously and grabbed her hand.
“What is it?” Matylda asked.
“How long, do you think, we can go on like this?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, hiding in the woods, the only place where we can be together, pretending we’re just friends whenever we’re back in town, lying to everyone.”
Matylda turned to her side and looked at her carefully. She stroke Dorota’s cheek.
“I don’t know. What else can we do?”
“I’m not sure yet, but all I know is that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life hiding from the world who I really am.”
She was right. Everything they’ve been doing so far was a substitute of a relationship, a substitute of the real life they both wanted. However, the reality they lived in, their background, the town, those were the obstacles that seemed to be overwhelming, too big to walk around them.
“But what can we do?”
“I don’t know yet, but we’re graduating this year, about a month from now. If that is not the good time to make changes in our lives, I have no idea what is,” Dorota replied while dressing up. She put her jersey on and took her long hair out from under it. She looked at Matylda.
“I don’t want to stay here, in our town. It’s the kind of a place we’ll never be allowed to live our lives. I am getting sick and tired of pretending, of hiding, of going to church, of the hypocrisy. I want to be the person making decisions concerning my life. What about you?”
“Yes, totally,” Matylda answered. “I know exactly where you’re coming from, Dorota, I feel the same, trust me. I just don’t know what we can do. We have no money to leave, it’s too risky to just go without any plan.”
“Well then, let’s have one. Let’s make up a plan, just don’t give up, and don’t think you or we are bound to be unhappy just because we live in this shithole town in the mountains,” she took Matylda’s hand, “The world is vast, it’s big enough to squeeze us in. I want us to be happy, not scared.”
Matylda hugged her tight. Dorota was right, she knew it. Thoughts were running through her head as she considered their options. They needed some money first, and then they’d be able to realistically think of leaving.
“We may try to get to college, it’d allow us to leave the town,” she said.
“I don’t know if I want to go to college. I have a different idea.”
“Like what?”
“We might try opening a survival school. You know, for people who would be inte
rested in learning all the things about being in the woods, navigating with a compass and a map not a GPS, building a shelter in the forest.”
Matylda looked at her surprised. Yes, it seemed like a good idea.
“We could organize overnight outings or some survival weekends in the woods or even some basic camping workshops. What do you think?”
“I think it’s great, it really is,” Matylda smiled. “But then I guess we’d need to stay here, I mean where else would we organize the trips?”
“Oh, Matylda, think outside the box. If we know how to survive in these woods, I think we’re skilled to survive anywhere.”
“Well, maybe apart from the rainforests,” Matylda laughed.
“Maybe, okay, I’ll give you that,” Dorota admitted. “But we’d still need money to start the survival school.”
“Adam,” she said and looked at Dorota.
“What?”
“Adam, my brother. I can ask him if he could try to find summer jobs for us in Liverpool. I mean we’re graduating in May, we’ll have the whole summer to work there –“
“That’s a great idea! You should call him. Tell him we’ll do basically anything; work as waitresses, walk people’s dogs, clean at the hotels. Yeah, I think it might work.”
“I will,” Matylda smiled. Perhaps this was it; this was the perspective they needed. Their ticket to freedom. Survival school, it was a really good idea.
***
Two days after they returned from camping Matylda called her brother and told him she wanted to try her luck in the UK as well and since he kept telling her she should come to him, she thought that perhaps he might help her find a job there and maybe she could crash at his place. Adam was very happy to hear it and promised her he would start looking for a job for her the minute they hung up. Matylda added that she would like to bring her friend, Dorota. Adam was quite surprised at first, but Matylda emphasized how important it was for her, that Dorota came too. Adam, was a bit reluctant at first, but agreed, although he warned Matylda he was living in a pretty small apartment, so if the two of them were coming, they would have to live in one room. She assured Adam it would not be a problem for either of them. He asked if they had money to travel, she said they would buy cheap airline tickets online.
At the end of April, Adam called Matylda and told her he’d found her and Dorota a job in a small hotel. They would be chambermaids for the summer. No health insurance, no contract, but he said he knew the owner, who was a decent man, and paid good money. After all, they were only coming for summer, so Adam thought it was a good deal. Matylda spoke with Dorota, who was delighted with the opportunity and they both confirmed they were coming. Ewa and Piotr had no idea about anything.
It was a difficult time for them and for their parents. Their exams were coming and it was a really big deal. Their parents were very focused on it, much more than the girls themselves. Matylda’s parents were praying for positive results; Matylda preferred to study a little more and count on her knowledge. Ewa and Piotr kept on telling her she should have gone to college, that the parish priest knew some people in Lublin, at the Catholic University, that would help her get there. That would mean staying in Poland much longer. The college entrance exams didn’t start until July. Because her parents clearly would not take no for an answer, she finally told them she would give it a try.
“I’d like us to come out,” Dorota said one evening as they were strolling around the town, planning their travel.
“What?” Matylda stopped and looked at her surprised. “You’re joking.”
“No, I really feel I wanna do it. I want my parents to know who I really am.”
“I’m not sure if I want my parents to know,” Matylda replied honestly.
“But you know, we’re leaving, so we might as well tell them.”
“Yeah, we’re leaving for the summer. I mean I’d like to have a place to come back to in October.”
Dorota didn’t reply at first, they only kept on walking.
“I want to be fair, that’s all,” she finally said.
“But it’s not only about you, it’s also about me, and I don’t think I want to do that.”
“What are you afraid of?”
Matylda looked at her not knowing what to say, that was a really good question. The time when her parents had power over her was nearly over. They already had their plane tickets bought (Matylda used almost all her savings for this; all money she earned helping kids with homework and writing essays for other students at school), they were even partially packed. Both of them had one final exam to pass and then they would be free. Was Matylda hesitating because she didn’t want to hurt her parents’ feelings? Maybe. Although, she immediately recalled dozens of situations when neither her mother nor father cared about her feelings, so perhaps it was high time to stop caring about them in such way. She was, however, scared of defining herself, of finally saying out loud who she was and having no turning point. Matylda looked at Dorota, who took her hand.
“We’ll do it together, on the day we leave.”
“It will be really dramatic.”
“I know, but how can we start a new chapter in our lives, head toward the future without settling things from our past? I don’t think I could do it, I need closure, I need to end this life before I begin the ne one.”
Matylda knew she was right, but she was still afraid.
“I can’t do it alone. I won’t do it alone,” she said.
“Oh, honey, of course, you won’t. I’ll be there. We’ll do it together,” Dorota kissed Matylda’s hand.
***
When Matylda and Dorota started planning their trip, Matylda worried that her parents would see her packing and start asking questions. So, in order to do it as quietly and as invisibly as possible, she bought herself a new suitcase, small enough to put it in her wardrobe so her parents wouldn’t see it, but big enough to take all the necessary things. She packed a few tees, two pairs of jeans and other essentials. When she bought herself a new pair of shoes, she immediately hid them in the suitcase so her parents wouldn’t see them. Matylda was packing in such way as not to make her mother and father suspicious that things were disappearing from her room. Even though she was already nineteen years old, she still had to keep the door to her room open all the time, so she was little by little packing her things, whenever she was alone at home. Matylda recalled thinking that Adam’s way of saying goodbye to their parents was cruel and she smiled bitterly when it occurred to her that she was planning to leave in exactly the same way.
On the day they obtained the final results of their matura exam and received their diplomas, they knew it was time to tell their parents they were leaving and inform them who their daughters really were. Matylda was highly stressed that day but then something occurred to her. She saw her peers walking out of the school with their documents and papers in their hands, happy, smiling, running to their parents that were waiting for them to hug them, to congratulate them and to take them for a special dinner or at least ice-cream. Dorota’s parents were waiting for her at home with cake and a gift, a reward for graduating and passing the matura. Matylda’s parents were waiting for her in church. They were paying for a Mass to be said especially for the intention of her going to college. She felt she had had enough. It really was high time to tell them, to get out of there, to start living and to stop pretending.
Matylda didn’t bother going to the church, she went back home. Dorota was coming over that evening to support her with coming out to her parents and saying goodbye. Their train to Warsaw left at 8:30 p.m. and their flight was the next day at seven o’clock in the morning.
It was a glorious day, late May. The birds were chirping, the air smelled fresh with the coming summer. Matylda looked at the sky a few times, looked at the clouds. They seemed fine; bad weather shouldn’t complicate their plans. She took out the suitcase from her wardrobe, being happy she was alone at home, as she quietly packed her backpack.
At 5:30 p
.m. she was ready to leave. Dorota was supposed to come around six. Matylda was sitting in the living room when she heard her parents come in.
“Matylda? Are you home?” Piotr asked.
“I am, yes,” she replied.
“Why didn’t you come to church?” Her mother asked while taking her coat off. “You know you should show God you’re grateful for the positive results and ask him to help you with your college exams.”
“That was very disappointing, Matylda. We paid good money for that Mass especially for you, you know,” Piotr said quite harshly.
“I’m sorry I didn’t come, but I just don’t feel God had anything to do with my matura. I’m pretty sure I passed it by working hard and studying long. As for the college, I already told you I wasn’t interested in it,” Matylda said calmly.
“What kind of attitude is this?”
“It’s my attitude, Dad. This is what I think.”
“I’ve never heard you saying things like that.”
“Because I’ve rather projected thoughts and conclusions than shared mine. But now I think the time has come for me to express myself a bit freely.”
“Whose suitcase is this? I don’t remember us having one like it,” Ewa said pointing in the direction of Matylda’s room.
Piotr came toward the room and saw it, too. They both looked at her.
“What is happening?” Piotr asked.
“I’m leaving, mom. I’m going to Adam’s for summer, he found me a job in Liverpool,” Matylda said with one breath. She felt she was getting more and more nervous; she glanced at the clock on the wall. It was almost six, where was Dorota?
“Excuse me?” Ewa said loudly. “You’re not going anywhere, except to Lublin to pass your college exams!”
“No, Mom, I’m going to Liverpool. I already have my ticket, the plane is tomorrow in the morning and I’m leaving tonight.”
“You’re not going anywhere, you hear me?!” Piotr was pointing his finger at her. Ewa started crying bitterly.
“Dad, you can’t stop me. I’m nineteen years old, I’m an adult person, I can go anywhere if I want to, sorry,” she said and did her best to sound calm, but she was falling apart inside.