by A. J. Ponder
[37] Dragons don’t lie, although, on occasion, they do stretch the truth past breaking point.
[38] From experience, Asumgeld knew there was little point seeking vengeance on grandchildren. It just doesn’t have the same satisfaction quotient.
[39] Any true diplomat would have abhorred Sylvalla’s insinuation of violence, and complained loudly that Diplomacy of the Sword was no kind of diplomacy at all.
[40] Asumgeld’s forked tongue flicked out to taste the air. Sylvalla was here. She could smell her baby’s killers even over the stench of the city. This was just a game, albeit a game of revenge. It wasn’t like she was planning on letting anyone survive in the long run. Sylvalla was singled out simply because she was the most delicious of possible entrées. Flambéed Princess was a delicacy she had yet to try.
[41] Most of this evidence originates from Dothie: The Man, the Myth, the Magician and the Monster, by Professor G. L. Bull, Fairly University Press. A collected history of the notorious wizard.
[42] extract from Shadows; Prophecy 7, the Maretta Prophecies
[43] Dear Bairnsley students, be warned. Accidental travelling is no legend. The paths leading from the school can whisk unwary travellers off to faraway places. The stone steps around our fair school accommodate mountains and oceans, and for the careless, those paths mean death. We have enough drowned wizards washed up on our shores and do not need you amongst them.
[44] Extract from Prophecy, No. 231, the Maretta Prophecies. You should already know it by heart. In fact, learn all of them, and take heed of my warning about words, or you’ll never pass your finals.
[45] Prophecy 231: The Maretta Prophecies
[46] Also known as the circle of life, the Eye of Protection, and the charm to ward all other charms. This ward wasn’t an unusual sight in Avondale castle as most servants formed the watchful Eye of Protection when Sylvalla came near, when they were talking about her behind her back. It was something Sylvalla and Phetero had in common. But then again, many people used it when they happened to see a black cat, so Sylvalla thought nothing of it. She’d always liked black cats.
[47] For those unfamiliar with this effect, see Quest for the fysiks of Dirk’s sword.
[48] Students, mark my words, mistakes in spell-casting do not often give second chances.
[49] Sylvalla was no student of history, or she’d hardly be asking that question.
[50] -A notorious bandit, who raided castles between Year 121 and 140 ALHD. Notable for rescuing princesses and spreading ill-gotten treasure amongst an enormously large family. Affectionately dubbed the Scarlet Hood on account of the mushrooms he was often seen eating. (Or she—there’s an unsubstantiated rumour that Hood is a woman.)
[51] Any decent wizard these days should be able to cast a forensic spell to establish exactly what had happened, but even as little as ten years ago this now-common spell was relatively rare.
[52] Students please note: He Who Couldn’t Think of a Name Ominous Enough, is not an acceptable answer.
[53] This quote is from Tishke herself, written in her diary in the spring of the year 290. (The year Sylvalla was born.)
[54] Phetero’s propensity to kill the messenger was well known by now. The first known incidence is documented in Quest: Where the messenger was recognised as performing above and beyond his duty—posthumously.
[55] Even this pep talk was an honoured tradition, Dirk remembered it from when he was a boy—following some idiot who’d walked to his own death two days later.
[56] Heroism in the Age of Chivalry is available in all good libraries and collections, and is compulsory reading for History 303, The Age of Chivalry and its Parallels with Modern Warfare.
[57] Dear students and avid readers, plonking swords in stones, and ensuring only certain people can lift them, is child’s play. Barely worth a mention in such prestigious texts as Wizarding Today and Magic, Sixth Edition. But, in Capro’s defence, the gimmick had worked. After drawing that enchanted sword, no commoner ever doubted the stable boy, Francis, was anything other than the lost Prince of Havendale. Which goes to prove, that however clever you are, sometimes the old saws are the best.
[58] Infrasound is important. Young wizards in training, you should look it up. It can also be tied to an audible alarm using the spell, Dogwhistle, a spell made infamous by the infamous bigot and mass-murderer King Trumpet Crassus.
[59] Francis admits his decision to let the hostages surrender could appear foolhardy, but he’d read up on princes, so he knew they were supposed to show good form and do the right thing. He later reflected in his biography, The Enlightened Prince, that when lives at are stake, the right thing can get very complicated very fast.
[60] Mopilliar Dweezle took fifty years to pass the entry test, and then promptly died from the shock. As did two of his examiners. Which is why I advise my students to avoid undue stress, eat plenty of fat (it’s good for the brain), and, most importantly, to keep the university ghosts happy. You never know when you’re going to become one of them.
[61] Although there is a rumour the university has darker secrets, but that these are never even spoken of, on pain of death, and so hardly count.
[62] Students please note, Phetero was at that moment deciding that although red might be his house colour, he definitely preferred purple, and was contemplating burning the whole tent and melting the gold down to scrap. I say this, so you understand his temperament, and how dangerous fecklessness is for those in power. Be vigilant. And remember, your essays about the corrupting influence of power are due next week.
[63] Of course wizards do care for money, but not from kings—this is because most wizards more fond of their heads than cash. Consider yourself warned.
[64] On her deathbed Tishke claimed this was in fact the first stirrings of pride.
[65] Students, please note that while there has been much discussion on Dothie’s ability or inability to give these animals “+” shaped eyes, as indicated in the ancient text, Biology, the consensus is that his creations all had eyes of the usual shape, and that Dothie was in fact not worried about such trivial matters.
[66] Fergus of the thurgle tribe Wullemsai. Huge in every direction and standing a little over eight feet tall, Fergus is big even for a thurgle.
[67] Tishke’s way of not-so-subtly reminding Francis that she didn’t believe pulling a sword out of a stone made anyone a prince.
[68] The university tended to discourage that sort of thing. Showmanship, really, but it lent any wizard an air of magnificence, of being more than a mere mortal. Some said such behaviour was dangerous—and they were right.
[69] She claimed later that the only reason she hadn’t said “no” louder was because she really didn’t want to go through the ceremony all over again.
[70] Privately she had her doubts about their bravery. They were all preparing for battle by pretending. Playing make believe. Was this how soldiers were supposed to think? Or was it some unwholesome delusion because they couldn’t deal with the truth?
[71] Challenges are always “spaked”, unless the challenger is evil, and then they are either “hissed”, or there is some form of smiling or evil gloating going on. Please note, spake is an ancient term, and refers to truth speech, which should it be broken, involves a pointy object, the realms of death—or, if you’re very lucky, a bad case of gripe.
[72] An illustrated manual titled Make your own Medieval Devices, fun for nine years and older; including the most popular designs for over forty years of pumpkin chunkin. Torri had not shown it to anyone. It was a family secret, handed down to the eldest child when they reached the age of nine. On the front page, under a skull and crossbones, were the words, Die before you tell.
[73] Phetero’s charger might not have had much spirit in terms of speed, but when it came to clamping down with his white and pearlies, Wraith reigned supreme.
[74] Gottersdang, is untranslatable. Think of it as, your mother was a horse and you are a pile of excrement.
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[75] Afterward many of them couldn’t decide which was worse, the scalding burn, the salt, or the injury itself. What most of them could agree on though, is that Dirk’s intervention saved them from the green death, a fate altogether worse.
[76] Of course this is no philosophical argument of which came first. Evolution clearly shows us eggs were laid by dragons millions of years before chickens even existed.
[77] Packing is a noisy business with broken hands—either you have to do it, which is painful in the extreme, or you have to try to get somebody else to do it which is something like having teeth extracted—slowly.
[78] It’s much easier to blame the ancients or revere them, than to wonder who they were, what they did, and why they were doing it.
[79] A chasm that appeared larger than any possible geometry of the cavern. The Goodfellows tried to resolve the conundrum, but without a slide rule, copious amounts of time and either The Great Gyger’s Book of Yllusions, or Howard Phillips Necronomicon, with which to compare notes.
[80] And big things can be pretty scary too; it all depends on your perspective. For example, the pointy end of death may not seem so big until the day it’s pointed at you.
[81] Sylvalla’s personal bodyguard might not look all that impressive. The way his egg-shaped muscles rippled wouldn’t have given anybody pause if they didn’t know his reputation with a sword.
[82] I know what you’re thinking, you want to know what Arrant said, but I’m hardly going to be writing down any of the words of this Necrodemonic spell. They’re banned for a reason, you know.
[83] Mr Goodfellow senior always did have a rather inflated opinion of himself.
[84] Peers are all the full wizards who have come to a trial. They are allowed a say because a wizard’s court is, in part, a democracy.
[85] For those scholars interested in such things, the myth of Pandora’s Box originated with some rather original accounting practices in the Seven Kingdoms and ended in a war that spanned both the old and new worlds. See my graduation thesis, Bad Girls, Bad Money, Bad Idea, published 290 D.C.
[86] And I, Freddie Fraderghast, was not amongst them. Any such suggestion is an unfounded, defamatory lie. I merely stood up to object but, seeing there was nothing to be done, sat straight back down again.
[87] Why he bothered to actually say this is unknown, almost everything in Bairnsley University is written on ancient parchment. Paper has two drawbacks: firstly it is considered a rather new-fangled invention; and, secondly, it decays after a few decades, so is generally scorned by people who count their lives in centuries.
[88] Although, that’s not what she told Dirk when he plied her with his salted hot-water cure.
[89] It could be argued this was more due to Phetero’s bungling than any true skill on Sylvalla’s part, but Arrant had encountered that argument enough times to know this was not the time to split hairs.
[90] She was also reminded about how well Cook had coped in the siege of Avondale. Even then, no rumours had surfaced—cooks were supposed to be bolshy. They were used to having their way, and well, Cook had been so quintessential that Sylvalla hadn’t looked twice. She looked twice now. That girth wasn’t just fat. And some of that those scars were a little big for acne—even for the worst case of acne ever.
[91] Needless to say, given rules three and four, Fergus didn’t feel beholden one little bit.
Rule 3) A thurgle is no longer Beholden once dismissed by their captor.
Rule 4) A thurgle is no longer Beholden when abandoned in battle.
For an entire list of Thurgle rules, please see Quest, the first volume of my historic treatise, or Erasmus Stylo’s The Natural Habitat of the Thurgle.
[92] Given Dothie’s reputation with cats as outlined in Quest, it is of little surprise that the Bairnsley University familiars spent most of their time staying well out of Dothie’s way. Something some of their owners should have taken heed of, if not emulated.
[93] Truly. There are forms, and those possessed never merely speak.
[94] “Make your own Medieval Devices, fun for nine years and older: including the most popular designs for over forty years of pumpkin chunkin.” The book was a family secret, handed down to the oldest family member at the age of nine accompanied only by the words, “Die before you tell.”
[95] The Words Lie Prophecy
In the Battle between Good and Evil
Words Lie
They are the darkest of shadows.
In the Battle yet to come
A king
Hides within the Shadows
In the Battle of Shadows
Words lie
In wait for the unwary
For deep in the shadows are the twin misconceptions
That which is unseen and can’t be seen and
That which can be seen and is unseen.
[96] See Trials and Court Proceedings TYL 300-310, Bairnsley University Press
pp291-346 “The Dothie Trial: Official transcript by Court Scribe F. Fraderghast” and pp 347-358 “The Dothie Trial: Notes by Contributing Witnesses”
[97] Initially we thought the stone had been cracked as a result of the fighting, or the Goodfellows—but scholars now agree this was the moment that Xem’rial was freed.
[98] Jonathan was pretty sure he couldn’t, but he was willing to say or do almost anything to convince Sylvalla to return, so he smiled like watered-down milk, and tried not to think that he was sending the likeable Francis to his death.
[99] This is because it requires a certain amount of paranoia to create a dungeon, and it is not unreasonable for the commissioners to worry that in the fullness of time they may become incarcerated. In addition, in case you should ever be commissioned to make one of these atrocities, let me warn you that in order to keep the secret, anyone involved in building one is effectively signing their own death warrant.
[100] It is likely that Tishke is referring to the prophecy of the Secret Child which states that a child would come and be some kind of hero. It is an extremely controversial prophecy and should be taken with a grain of salt.
[101] Turncloaks were wizards who had distinguished themselves in the mock-fighting enough to catch Dothie’s eye, receive his praise and the honour of reversing their jackets and showing off the bright-red lining. It was clear magic was their calling and not history, or they would have known better.
[102] Any allegations that I laughed at Mynyn, or that the only reason I wasn’t a turncoat was because I kept failing at the tests, or that I said anything about the Witch Queen Sylvalla, or witches taking over Bairnsley University, are quite frankly insulting and nothing more than slanderous rumour.
[103] Sight is a strange thing, encompassing a narrow range of wavelengths. Traditionally wizards say “unseen” when they refer to the wavelengths that fall into the spectrum of infra-colouration. Hence, you get the terms “unseen university” and “unseen brilliance.”
[104] Dr G White’s theory that Toot’s success was due to superb ion generation, and that ion generation in familiars can be increased with a diet of spinach, has found mixed success. Nevertheless, my observation is that spinach is quite unhealthy for cats and owls, so I do not recommend it.
[105] Supra Footnote 7: Make your own Medieval Devices, fun for nine years and older; including the most popular designs for over forty years of pumpkin chunkin
[106] This is due, of course, to the tried and true SEP (self-externalised placement) field, thought to be first discovered by D. Adams, magician and oracle. These strangely-compelling fields work on all but the most lackadaisical layabouts for whom everything is someone else’s problem.
[107] , but it was rumoured they were really there to remind the wizards of how they failed the university, and their fellow wizards.