Then she’d laugh.
“You can always find one when you need one, never forget that Grace, but let someone else clean up after them, just take the good bits.”
She’d always had two jobs. In the afternoon she worked in the laundrette and most nights she did a turn at the Rose and Crown. I loved watching her get ready to go out; she’d transform into a real lady, stage by stage. Together we’d choose her dress, then she’d lay it over the chair while she did her face and hair. Then the perfume, then the dress, then the lipstick and finally the shoes; always high heels. The art of wearing such delicate and strappy things is not something I’ve inherited.
Once she was ready, she’d do a twirl for me, then she’d tuck me up in her big bed before she went out. I loved that bed, full of pillows and quilts and it always smelt of rose water. Later, as soon as she was through the front door she’d come and check up on me, but I never smelt drink on her breath; she always smelt of face powder, perfume and cigarettes. Her dress looked as nice as it had when she went out, her lipstick was still shiny and there was rarely a hair out of place. Unlike Mum, who usually came back looking like something a cat had dragged in.
She always had ‘gentlemen friends’ as she called them, but if I was there when they arrived, she’d shoo them away. She had no time for my Mum when she was drunk, or for the louts she hung out with, but for me she always had a smile and all the time in the world.
She died when I was eleven and after she was gone the family drifted apart. Mum had been her only daughter and I’d been her only grandchild and I haven’t seen any of my uncles for years. Reason told me I must have cousins somewhere, but I didn’t really know how to go about finding them, or even if it’d be worth all the trouble; so I never did. From the way the residents at the home spoke and from what I’d seen of other people, I knew there were better ways for a family to live a life together. Generally speaking I didn’t miss it; after all I’d never had it, but I missed my Nan a lot.
I didn’t realise I was crying until the waitress brought my meal and asked if I was ok. Of course I told her I was and tried to smile as I took the open packet of tissues she’d fished out of her apron pocket. She nodded, as though she understood that I didn’t want to talk and it was only as she moved out of the way to serve another customer that I realised he was standing there, looking just as miserable as I must have done. He slid into the seat opposite me but didn’t say anything; he just looked at me.
“I thought you weren’t supposed to return to the same place?” was the only thing I could think of.
“Same place, but different time.” he said quietly.
“That makes no sense and I don’t like games.” I snapped, in a voice that didn’t sound quite like mine.
The tears that had almost stopped when the waitress had been so kind started again and everything became blurry. If he’d stood up and left, I wouldn’t have blamed him, nor would I have seen if everything shimmered again.
“Nothing about you makes any sense.” I blubbed, in-between sniffs.
“I can see why you might think that, but honestly, I can’t explain. It’s not about you, you have to believe me.”
He pushed the plate to one side and pulled my hands away from my face.
“I’ve wanted to come back so many times, I’ve missed you so much. If things have changed for you, if there’s someone else in your life now, I’ll understand, but I just had to see you again. I’m sorry if now is not a good time. Should I go?”
He spoke quickly, as though he wasn’t choosing his words carefully this time, as though he just wanted to tell me his real thoughts and feelings.
I had so many questions, but I knew from my own reaction to people demanding answers from me, that it wouldn’t get me anywhere. If he wanted to explain, well he would, but in his own time and in his own way. So all I said was, “Don’t go, at least not yet anyway. I’m sure you’ll have to soon, but...”
“Why so sad?” he asked softly. “Is there someone else? Have you had a row?”
That was the second time he’d asked that question. Obviously he needed to know the answer.
“No, there’s no one else, there’s never been anyone; just the memory of you.”
His eyes looked pleased, yet still sad.
“I had a big bust-up with my mother about my birthday...” I babbled and lots of other things came pouring out too.
I told him about missing my Nan and then had to explain a little bit about my Mum. Not too much, but enough so that he’d get an idea. I told him things I’d never told anyone before, things that I wasn’t even aware I thought about. Words just tumbled out and they kept on coming. Eventually I realised what I was doing and ground to a halt mid sentence, feeling embarrassed.
“I’m sorry...” I said and tried to pull my hands away.
They were resting on the table and he was still holding them.
“Don’t be sorry Grace. When is it your birthday?”
As he spoke, he laced his fingers through mine. It felt nice and I relaxed a bit.
“The day after tomorrow.” I whispered, knowing there was no chance he would be around for it.
He nodded, but said nothing for a while. Then he spoke in a deeply sad, quiet voice.
“Hmm... September 10th. I’m supposed to be in New York for the 11th, but that isn’t going to be good and it will always be there. After all, I have time.”
He laughed, but it sounded hollow, even bitter. I just looked at him; I didn’t understand what he was talking about.
“I’m due some time off,” he said slowly. “How about we go away for a few days, could you do that?”
He looked at me and smiled. I knew he wasn’t just being kind; he actually wanted to spend time with me. And more than anything else, I wanted to spend my birthday, that birthday of all birthdays, with him.
“Yes Jack, I could do that.” I said, smiling back at him, feeling as though I was going to burst.
Now he was there and we’d spoken, the darkness had lifted. He pulled the plate back between us and helped himself to a sausage. Feeling much lighter, I picked up the other one. We chatted about nothing for a bit while we polished off the food, taking turns with the fork to eat the mushrooms, but eating everything else with our fingers and sharing the mug of tea. I could see that the waitress didn’t mind him not ordering anything, because whenever she looked our way she smiled at me.
“So, birthday girl. Where shall we go to celebrate? City, sea, countryside, or even Paris, what do you fancy?” he asked, grinning, wiping the last chip through the smidge of ketchup still on the plate.
Suddenly I felt shy. Since my Nan died, my birthdays had always been low-key. One or two had been ok, when Mum had been in a good mood for most of the day, but they were childhood birthdays. For the one about to arrive I was going to be twenty-one. I looked down, while I thought about it.
“Well...” I said slowly, “Paris is out, I don’t have a passport.” Although I wasn’t entirely sure one was needed anymore.
Then it came to me. “The sea, let’s go to the seaside.”
Jack and the sea went together, or at least they did in my mind.
“The sea it will be. How about Dorset? Lyme-Regis specifically?” he asked, with a big smile on his face.
He had a lovely smile and you couldn’t help but smile back at him.
“Sounds good to me.” I replied happily.
I’d read about the place once in a book and it sounded pretty and old fashioned. I’d never been that far from home before and it would be a perfect way of celebrating the start of me being a real and proper adult.
Then I remembered my Mum and the bad state she was in and wondered if I could trust her not to do anything stupid. I sighed and he looked at me, but he didn’t say anything or ask any questions. I suppose he knew that I needed to square it in my own mind, in my own way and that I had to do it myself.
He was right. Slowly I came to a decision. I was going to be twenty-one and it was
about time I had a life of my own, one that didn’t include me always putting her first. I took a deep breath and for the very first time in my life I put what I wanted, what I wanted very much indeed, ahead of what she might need from me.
I smiled, looked up and nodded at him.
“It’s a bit late to go now, we will have to leave early in the morning, but err, I haven’t got anywhere to stay tonight.”
He looked very sheepish at this confession. I though, was more than happy with this state of affairs. I wanted to keep an eye on him and I didn’t want any more shimmering taking him away from me, at least not until it was absolutely necessary for him to go.
“That’s ok, my landlady’s alright about people staying over and I have a big armchair, more of a small sofa really, so we’ll be fine. If you don’t mind...”
I could feel the heat of a blush creeping over my face. I’d never invited anyone back to my room, much less a man.
“That would be great.” he said, waving to the waitress for the bill. “That way we can be at the station for the first train and make the most of it all.”
As we left the cafe he took my hand again. It was warm and I felt safe as we walked back to my little attic home rather than wait for the bus. It was still drizzling a little bit, but the wind had dropped and it was actually really nice.
“Rain is good, I love the rain. I miss it so much when I’m not travelling. We don’t get it...”
He stopped mid sentence, realising he’d said something he shouldn’t have.
“Well, if it’s rain you like, then you desert people have come to the right place!” I cut in quickly, helping him cover up his mistake.
He squeezed my hand as I rambled on.
“We have every type here; take your pick. Why, if we’re really lucky, tomorrow we might get a good old fashioned downpour to mix with the sea spray!”
For the rest of the way, we talked about the things we would do once we reached our destination, moving easily from topic to topic, laughing as we planned our holiday. It was something we seemed to have in common; we were both quite happy just living for the present. I’ve always found the future tends to have its own views on how it’ll turn out, so there’s no point in spending too much time talking about it. The past can’t be changed, so there’s no point in spending too much time there either.
We were in luck and as we made our way through the front door and up the stairs, the house was in darkness. It was silent and clearly empty of people; no need to explain anything after all. We’d be gone soon after five am and I knew from experience that we’d have the house to ourselves at that time. But the thought brought me up short; I’d completely forgotten about work. I was on the afternoon shift the following day. I’d booked my birthday off, just in case Mum had wanted to do something, but that was all. I looked at my watch. It was almost nine, but there would be someone there and at least if I phoned now, they’d have plenty of time to get someone else in. I found my mobile and while Jack sat on the chair flicking through the telly channels, I phoned in and spoke to Sue, who was on duty. I told her the truth. She sounded surprised, but I also sensed that she was pleased for me.
I packed a few things into a small overnight bag and went down to the kitchen to make some drinking chocolate. There was half a shop cake in my part of the cupboard and I took that up on a tray with the steaming mugs. He was watching a film that I hadn’t seen before and I settled on the floor with my back against the chair. We didn’t talk much, but now and then he would wind his fingers in my hair. He was doing it absent mindedly and it felt alright.
It was so strange. I realised just how much I’d missed him and yet another part of my mind was reminding me how little I really knew about him. Once the film had finished, I took one of the pillows and the other throw off the bed and while he was in the bathroom, made the big chair as comfortable as I could. Then as he was settling down on it, I grabbed my tatty old pyjamas and headed for the bathroom myself.
I was horribly self conscious as I went back into my room, but he was the perfect gentleman. He was reading one of my books; his eyes glued to it and didn’t look up until I was under my covers.
“Sleep well Grace, early start tomorrow!” he said, peering over the armrest, trying to look comfortable.
“Early starts I’m used to, so you don’t frighten me.” I told him, “But no shimmering, I don’t care how uncomfortable that chair is!”
It just popped out before I could stop it.
“Oh...” I groaned, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything, I...”
“You saw that? Of course you did. A bit rash of them really, but it was an emergency; I had to go. Don’t worry Grace, no shimmering, I promise.”
He didn’t sound like he was mad at me and anyway, he was grinning.
I heaved a sigh of relief; I was usually so guarded about what I said, thinking it through before a single word came out, but not with him. For some reason that I didn’t understand, I was able to say what I thought and sometimes said what I didn’t even know I was thinking. I looked at him again and he was still watching me.
“Really Grace, don’t worry. Sometimes it’s too difficult to pretend, especially when you’re with someone you don’t want to pretend to or lie to. Go to sleep. Everything will be fine, I promise.”
I wanted to believe him, I wanted everything to be fine. More than fine in fact and my toes curled at the idea that he didn’t want to lie to me.
I turned the light off and listened to him shifting about until he found a comfortable position. Then his breathing changed and he was asleep. I didn’t crane my neck to look at the stars that night. Not because they were hidden by clouds, but because I didn’t need them.
Chapter five
The alarm burred softly and instead of wishing it would stop, I opened my eyes and reached for the off button. Part of me didn’t want to look and the other part was ready to be disappointed. I realised that I was holding my breath, trying to find the courage to turn my head and see for myself if he was still there.
“Morning Grace.” said a sleepy voice, drifting across the space between us.
I grinned. “Morning.” I replied softly. “You have the bathroom first; I’ll go and make tea.” But then I was unsure. “Or would you prefer something else?”
I’d never seen him drink coffee but...
“Tea would be lovely.”
His head popped up over the arm of the chair. His hair was tousled and his eyes were not quite open, but he was smiling.
“I promise I won’t shimmer while you’re gone.” he said quietly, yet again seeming to know what was on my mind.
“Tea it is then.” I said happily.
I threw the covers back and dashed out quickly, before he could see too much of me or my scruffy pyjamas.
Once again we made our way to a station, but Waterloo this time. Being Sunday, there were no commuters of course and in fact, there wasn’t much of anyone that early in the morning. Most of the people we saw were clearly still enjoying the night before, while we were bright and wide awake. We bought tickets to Axminster, because Jack told me it was the nearest station and we would have to take a bus or taxi from there into Lyme Regis itself.
We settled into our seats and unwrapped some of the sandwiches we’d picked up for the journey. Then he began to describe some of the things he wanted to show me, speaking lovingly of the views I would see from the top of the hill and the harbour wall; the Cap and the Cobb he called them. He painted the pictures so well, that when I closed my eyes I could almost see them for myself and taste the tangy sea air.
“You love it there, don’t you?” I said, sitting back slightly so that I could see him more clearly.
“I do and I can’t wait to share it with you. Of all the places I’ve been to, this one calls to me and whenever I’m there I feel at home. It’s a great place to just relax and leave everything else behind for a while.” he said softly, wistfully even.
“Did you grow up there?”
Almost as soon as it had popped out, I realised my mistake.
“No sorry, pretend I didn’t ask that.” I said quickly, reminding myself that I too hated direct questions, because they usually forced me to lie and I kicked myself for ruining such a nice moment... again.
“Ah Grace, we can’t keep doing this; sidestepping I mean. It’s not right and really, I’m not being fair. There’s so much...”
I cut him off, not caring one bit what there might be so much of.
“Tomorrow I’m going to be twenty-one, old enough by anyone’s standards to know my own mind. Fair or not, I want to do this. I want to spend this time with you. I’m sure you’re being honest with me about the important things; the things that count and the rest doesn’t matter, not to me, so it needn’t matter to you.”
I stared hard at him as I spoke, willing him to understand and see the truth in my eyes and in my words. It really didn’t matter. Him being there, sitting opposite me on the train, now that mattered; it mattered a lot.
He thought about what I’d said, seeming to weigh it all up. I watched his face as the thoughts flickered back and forth and his eyebrows furrowed and straightened. Then he sucked in his cheeks, slowly picked up my hand and said carefully, “If you are really sure...”
“I’m sure.” I replied firmly and we both grinned.
In fact I’d never been more sure about anything in my life and now that we’d got that out of the way, we could relax and enjoy the rest of the journey.
We took a taxi from Axminster to Lyme Regis and Jack pointed things out to me as we went. But I wasn’t really listening; it was all so beautiful in the late morning sun. I’d never been anywhere like it and I just drank it all in, trying to commit every last little detail deep into my memory, so that I could relive it whenever I wanted to; when it was all over.
We went down one of the quaint old winding streets in the town centre and pulled up outside a little house. Jack told me that this B&B only had two rooms and if possible he’d book both, so that we’d have one each. While I waited in the taxi, he jumped out and went to see if they were open yet. He came back looking serious and explained that the double was already taken, but the twin was still vacant. Did I mind sharing, or should we try somewhere else where they might have two rooms?
What about us? Page 4