by Lesa Corryn
“Many.”
For a second I was taken back by Flik’s quick response and was only able to muster a simple “What?” in reply.
“Captain order notice to spread through fleet ships of Sergeant's courage as inspiration for them. I hear Lieutenant, I mean Commander, still haven't gotten used to that, suggest idea.”
“Wait, Commander?” Now I turned to Flik who stood with a quizzical gaze out beyond the stars.
“Yes, Nemis no longer here, need new Commander so she got promoted. Speaking of, Captain want to see you.”
“What do you mean?”
“It quite clear, no? Captain told me to come get you, asked you to meet her in office ASAP.”
“Why?”
“If not obvious, Jek, I can't help you,” he said, smiling. “Go, I will keep watch for Sergeant, I have not yet said goodbye.” Flik grabbed my shoulder and gave a light squeeze before stepping further into the observatory. Soon I found myself inside the Captain's office.
“Corporal Thurman, I'm sorry for your loss. I know how much Queba meant to you,” said Gith. Her office sat just beyond the deck and consisted of one large wall that overlooked the stars. A blast cover closed it off during battle, but at times of peace, it must be a wondrous feeling to stand before the stars so exposed.
“Thank you Captain.”
“And,” Gith began, her words uneasy, “I’m sorry about Nemis.” Her eyes were downcast and her hands were tightly knit together, each interlocking finger’s knuckle blazed white against her tanned skin.
“Pardon me Captain, but I’m not sure I follow.”
“It was my decision to have Nemis be Commander. Every officer in the fleet knew he was trouble, knew there’s no way a high ranking Alladian would just give up and give in to the enemy so easily.” She rose from her desk and paced before her window, her eyes meeting mine whenever they dared.
“I wanted him to be my Commander so I could keep an eye on him, draw him away from his world so he wouldn’t have a chance to band together a rebel force. And for some reason I thought, if he was watched over by the very soldier who captured him, in the very ship that was his prison during the final battles of the war, I thought it would be enough to break down his spirit.”
“But instead it made him stronger,” I interjected. I didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t know how to respond. Part of me wanted to reach out and pass the blame onto Gith, to have someone to point this sorrow towards, this anger. And I think she was looking for someone to support her guilt. But I had no interest in putting out blame. I had done that for too long with Yanda and I refused to honor Queba’s memory that way.
“I’m sorry. No part of me truly believed you the spy, but I didn’t want to admit that it could be Nemis, I couldn’t accept that I failed to keep him under tabs. I got too confident in my abilities and too stubborn to admit that I could have been wrong.” Then she stopped pacing and stood facing the stars, her hands clasped behind her back, tight in fists. “And despite all this, all I can muster is, ‘I’m sorry’.” She turned back towards me. There weren’t tears in her eyes, something tells me a person that’s been through what Gith’s been through, is incapable of such a reaction. She’s cried too many times, seen too many deaths, bloodied her own hands too many times, to be able to shed a tear anymore. She’s become dead to it all and I couldn’t help but feel sad for her. I could not share her guilt because the pity would not let me and I know Queba would not have it any other way.
“There’s nothing to be sorry about Captain, you followed your instincts and sometimes that works out, sometimes it doesn’t. One thing I feel confident in saying is, if you hadn’t taken him in as an officer and he was left to his world, he would most certainly have done something to harm the Union. At least you tried to divert that, whether you failed or succeeded is besides the point, at least you tried to make a difference.”
A small smile slipped onto Gith’s face and she gave the moment its due time. Together we stared out the window and into the stars. We have all made decisions that have hurt us or others, I certainly was not one to judge. I only wish I had someone there to tell me that what’s done is done and that if the good intentions were there then perhaps that’s enough to move on with life.
After what seemed like a long time, Gith turned back towards me and took a seat at her desk. “Are you doing all right? You get a standard two weeks leave, but considering all you've been through I'm willing to extend it.”
“No thank you Captain, in fact I'd feel better getting back to work.”
She looked me up and down, her fingers interlocked on top of her crystalline desk, her elbows poised along the edge. “Well, if you feel ready, then you can return to work anytime, however your duties have changed.”
“Captain?”
“You were Queba's right hand man, which makes you an obvious choice to replace her.”
“I'd be honored,” I said a little taken aback, though it did make sense.
“I'm not done yet.”
“Yes, ma'am.” It appeared the moment between me and Gith had passed. She had crawled back into the shell she must wear to endure the role of Captain. And I think both of us were happy to go back to the masks we wear.
“You will not remain in the position for long. Both Commander Pierce and Captain Edelweiss have petitioned for a greater promotion.”
“Yes, ma'am,” I stuttered, not sure of where this was going.
“You will train a replacement over the next couple of months as lead Maintenance tech. After that you will take on the role of Union liaison to the Agerians.”
“Captain?”
“It's going to take awhile to work out all the terms of their entry into the Union. You will serve as a mediator. After that, it will take even longer for the Agerians to become accustomed to our culture and for us to become accustomed to theirs. Again you will help both our worlds understand each other.”
“That's such an honor, I can't accept.” I wasn't a diplomat, I was a grease monkey. I worked with ships, I made them go, I didn't work with people. “There must be people more qualified than I.”
“Of course there are, all the people that would be better at this than you could fill this ship.” She paused. “That wasn't meant to be an insult.”
“None taken.”
“But the Agerians will only agree to having you as the liaison. I'm not sure you have much say in the matter.”
“But, Captain, I”
“Look, you can decline, we can't force a promotion on you, but think of the opportunities.”
“I'm a grease monkey,” I stuttered.
“But you don't have to be.” She looked at me for a moment before digging out a small trinket from a desk drawer. She rose and crossed over to join me. “Think about it, I think Queba and Magname would be proud of you either way, Sergeant.” And with that she pinned my chest, adding another bar to my rank.
I left her office, letting my feet carry me to wherever they desired to go. I weaved through halls and words of condolences failed to hit my ears. The lights in the corridor raised and lowered as I entered vacant halls, reminding me I did still exist and that Hera knew I was here. Then my feet stopped and I found myself in an office foreign to my eyes.
The location told me it was Queba's office, but it was empty. No trinkets, no lost treasures of broken parts and scrap metal. Only a desk, a shelf, and a data screen. And one more thing. A small box on top of the desk. I walked behind the desk to examine it. The box had a note stuck on top.
“This is NOT debris! So don't throw it out like you did my other stuff, you jackals. This is for Corporal Jek Thurman, so don't even think about tossing it out! Sincerely, Sergeant Abi Queba”
A gift from beyond the grave, I thought, of course she couldn't leave without passing on one of her trinkets. I went to open it when the swish of the door caught my ear.
“Hello Sergeant.”
“I thought you were calling me Jek now.”
“I am, but I th
ought you'd like to hear your new title.” Allouette gave a wry smile and stepped up to the desk. “I'm sorry I could not be there to send Queba off. She was an excellent soldier, she knew this ship better than anyone.”
“Yeah, I know Hera misses her. She doesn't purr quite like she used to.”
Again Allouette gave a fragile smile. Her foot bounced on the floor and her eyes searched the office. “Gith tells me you are thinking about not becoming the liaison.”
“It's too much for me. Something this important should be left to an experienced diplomat. I can't even make peace with Teshe, how can I organize a whole treaty.”
“You sell yourself short. Stop using that arm as an excuse. I mean how many times has that thing actually been an issue.” Her voice grew angry though her face showed regret for letting it have that rough edge.
“It's not my arm, I don't need that to talk. It's just not who I am.”
“Well, who are you?”
“Who are you?”
For a moment, the strawberry field filled my eyes and Yanda smiled at me from behind the stone.
“I'm an engineer.” I turned from her and tore open Queba's package hoping Allouette would lose interest and leave. But she stood silent behind me.
Inside the box was a small processor, the kind you'd find in a hallway. This one was a very specific processor, because its cover door had 24 marks etched inside it. Underneath that were words etched in that I myself had not done. They were small and the handwriting sloppy but the words came out clear.
“For when you need an excuse to talk to her. Some day she’ll finally realize how great you are and you can leave this poor processor alone.”
I laughed, despite the fact that my eyes welled with tears. “How great I am?” I asked to the box before throwing it back onto the table.
“Jek.”
“I'm just a maintenance tech, I can't be some liaison, I can't be a man you'd admire.”
“Jek.”
“Why does everyone expect these things from me?”
“Jek, shut up.” She walked up to me and slapped me across the cheek. “She thought highly of you because you were to self-absorbed to do it yourself.” She looked down at my hands and scanned the box lid. At first her brow furrowed and my stomach knotted, fearing she'd run after discovering my stalker like nature. But then her expression softened. “She was right you know and don't feel bad because I was self absorbed too.” She brushed a strand of hair from her face and tucked it behind her ear. “We all make mistakes, we just have to learn from them and move on. Life isn't going to wait for us to pull ourselves up and dust ourselves off. The planets still circle the stars and the universe will continue to expand and our galaxy will continue to have love and hate, war and peace.” She took the box from my hand and laid it on the table. Then she took a breath and her hands slipped into mine. “The stars aren't going to wait, Jek, so let's go.”
“Let's go? Where?”
“Wherever your feet want to take you, whatever your gut tells you to do.”
I looked at the box and saw Queba's words scrawled in the metal, her last words ringing in my ears. And then Hera moaned. Her engines were still not fully functional and one of the reactors seemed to have burnt out. But I heard more. I heard Queba talking to me and then I saw her. She's standing by the stone with Yanda, the sun hitting their faces, lighting their smiles. And I saw the sun in the distance rising over the horizon.
Epilogue
I'm not sure why it took so long for me to get here. I'm going to blame all the diplomatic affairs, since that's the easy way out, but I'm fairly certain I just wasn't ready. But I'm here now, standing before your gravestone under the willow tree.
“I've been busy, Yanda, I hope you don't mind me taking my time to visit you.” I kneel down next to your stone, the grass damp with dew wets my knees and my fingers follow the curves of your name carved deep into the stone. “I'm sorry, it took me five cycles to get here. I'm sorry.” My arm strains from tracing your name and I lower it to my side. My fingers sweep across a blooming bush and the scent of strawberries wafts up from the ground.
“I'm a diplomat now. Crazy, right? Could you ever imagine me wearing that beige uniform? It looks all wrong on me. But it's been an honor. I've met so many people, but...” I stop, my arm stiffens and the wind rustles through the budding leaves of the tree. “But you would've done better than me. You were always the social butterfly out of the two of us.” A pain shoots through my arm, enough so that I recoil, my left hand seizing it.
“Oi, no reason to get testy with me.” My arm relaxes and a smile finds its way onto my face. “Your parents picked out a great spot. Although it could have been a little closer to the city. We couldn't even take a glider up here, the only places to land are too close to your grave site. Which is great for you, but you could have thought of your visitors a little. Certainly is a strain to hike up this mountainside.” I turn and sit down beside you. Before us is the cliffside, the sea beyond fading into the horizon. My arm rests on your stone and it cools the flames curling through it.
“I never intended to lose you. I'm sorry for being so foolish and screwing up. If I had been more observant, you'd still be alive.” A pain shoots in my arm, you sure are cranky today, but let me finish. “But, what's done is done and I'm fairly certain you would be pissed as all hell if you saw me wallowing in self-pity.” My arm relaxes. “So I think that's why I was ready to come here and see you. I love you with all my heart Yanda, that won't ever change and I won't ever forget you. You'll always hold the spot of my first love, but I didn't die with you that day and I should stop living my life as if I had. I hope that's okay with you.”
The air lifts, the dew rising with the coming sun. The moisture cools my skin and wets my lungs. Then my arm releases the weight it's been carrying. A string snaps and the ball poised upon my forearm drops and falls away. My scar does not burn, does not pull at me. The missing flesh, the valley carved into my arm, fills again with life and the pain washes away with the waves of the gentle sea. Strawberries, they fill the air and the scent brings a sense of ecstasy.
“You're really gone now aren't you.”
“Jek, can I say goodbye too?”
Allouette comes out into the meadow, her lean figure etched into the golden sunrise, the glow shining through her silk spring dress.
“Of course, I'm sure Yanda would appreciate that.” I climb up and stand back as Allouette approaches you. She's shaken, timid, like I've rarely ever seen her, though these moments have been becoming more frequent in recent years.
“I never met you but I wish I had. Somehow I feel close to you, somehow I feel Jek's pain when he thinks of you. Somehow I feel like I can't go on without saying goodbye as well. Your resting place is beautiful. At night so far away from the city, you must see all the stars. Please watch for us passing by and keep us safe as you've kept Jek safe all this time. Goodbye.”
That's when I see you. Standing like a cloud of mist beside Allouette. You rest your head on her shoulder and kiss her cheek, moving to embrace her. You whisper in her ear and she stiffens and turns.
“Are you all right?”
“Yes, I just thought I heard a whisper in the wind, it was probably nothing.”
“What did you hear?”
“You'll think it's silly.”
“No, I won't.”
Allouette gazes at me, contemplating before sighing and shaking her head. “Take care,” she mumbles.
“Take care,” I laugh. “Of what?”
“I told you, you'd think it was ridiculous.” Her face turns bright red, a color I've never seen. You stand beside her giggling, a smile stretched across your face. Both of you stand before me, your dresses glittering in the sun, you fading away into the mountainside.
“Goodbye,” you mouth. And then you're gone.
“Goodbye,” I say, reaching out to catch the mist.
Allouette stares, but smiles and grabs my hand, wrapping her long fingers around it.<
br />
“Let's go,” she says.
I turn to look at her. Her smile is like honey and her mane of hair falls in curls upon her shoulders. I embrace her, holding her tight against me. “Let's go.”
Keeper of the Goddess, Bonus Chapter
Chapter 1
Of Trade and War
The afternoon sun beat down upon the trade quarter and my skin dewed, my face glistening and hopeful for a passing breeze. Even after three years of holding shop at the Union port of Gersemi, I still lacked the rich dark tones of veteran traders and natives. It couldn’t really be helped, my people are a thick skinned race. Much of our bodies, covered with greyish hardened flesh, appears as scaled plating. There is plenty on me that is skin, but the majority of that hides beneath my clothes. Still, on Gersemi, the little flesh on my face, chest and inner arms tanned from exposure, while my hardened skin just seemed to absorb the heat.
I bustled past soldiers and travelers as they migrated from one shopfront to another. Now and then I felt the lingering touch of a wandering eye. I caught glimpses of the curious passers-by, most whispering and snickering, guessing what my ancestry may be. Many assumed my plated scales meant I was related to the Alladians. Their eyes then filled with hate as they drew their own awful conclusions and associated me with the war hungry mongrels. But, I simply ignored them, never correcting them. If no one ever bothered to ask who I was or where I was from, then I certainly wouldn’t bother to share the truth with them.
I clutched Anwell’s book tightly to my chest as I hurried past the huddled masses, darting between chattering merchants and weary officers. I finally nudged my way to the front of his stall where customers clamored over Anwell’s comm services.
“Ho, Brigit,” he called, spotting me over the heads of several young cadets fresh from Academy, “Who’s watching your stall?” His round face, further softened by a trimmed beard of fluffy brown hair, twisted into a look of concern. His eyes like wet river stones, gleamed with pity that forced my own eyes to roll with exasperation.