“I’ll just tell him you’re still on the fence, but we’re optimistic,” and she texted back. He answered almost immediately. Molly snatched the phone as Ellie took a bite of her food.
“He said that’s great. And thank you. He said Carter’s really looking forward to it…and you should call him,” Molly read. “God, what is this, note passing in seventh grade math? Carter’s using his manager to speak to you?”
“I’m sure Carter didn’t tell him to say that. Max is probably just worried I won’t come if I think Carter doesn’t want to see me.” I put down a full fork of food, not hungry like I had been a second ago.
“Of course he wants to see you,” Ellie said.
“I wouldn’t want to see me. He hasn’t tried to contact me.”
“You told him not to,” Molly reasoned. “We have to stop being a gender that says one thing and wants another.”
“I’m not trying to be,” I whined, annoying even myself. “I do want him to give me space. But it just seems like if he really wanted me, he wouldn’t listen. He wouldn’t give up.”
“Josie. You beautiful little psycho.” Ellie patted my hand. “He wants you. He wants to be the one you pick. But no one wants something they feel that they had to steal. If he gets you, I’m sure he wants it to be because that’s what you decided you want, too. If you can live without him, you should.”
I swung an arm around Ellie’s neck and kissed her cheek. “You’re right. I know you’re right. How come no one ever tells you how hard it is to grow up when you’re thirteen, and it’s all you want to do?”
“I don’t know. Thirteen was pretty rough for you, too.” Molly laughed. “Remember when you broke up with Mike Robbins in eighth grade? You cried and only ate Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked for two days. A full day longer than you guys had actually been going out.”
We cried so hard we laughed, thinking back to a time when you make all your little problems feel so much bigger, so they’ll feel like grown up problems. Even if someone had told you how hard it was going to be later on (and I have a sneaking suspicion one or two people might’ve) we would’ve just been excited about the drama of it all.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
Nine Months In
The EP release party was going to be in Santa Monica at the beach. They had this series of free concerts on the pier, so we were going to play a couple of songs and then have a bonfire out on the beach. I had suggested the casual, laid back atmosphere of a beach party because I didn’t really like the fancy, schmanzy industry parties where I always felt like I had to be on my best behavior, and this felt more relatable to me. If fans could party with us after our show, wouldn’t they be more likely to pick up an EP?
The whole day of the show, I felt nauseous. I went back and forth about whether or not I’d be able to go. I didn’t want to disappoint Carter, but I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to face him right now. He probably hated me. What if he yelled at me again? Worse – what if he refused to speak to me? You can never know how painful love can be until you have to pretend that you don’t know someone as well as you do. Once you break up, you see him in public and you have to act like you don’t know what he looks like, naked. You have to act the same as you act with the stranger next to you, and it hurts way too much to remember you used to listen to his breathing slow down as he fell asleep.
I didn’t want to pretend I didn’t know those things.
***
Thankfully, I didn’t have to worry about this for very long. On the other hand, it was not so great that I didn’t have to worry about this for very long.
We walked down the pier towards the stage, and I thought I was just going to sweat myself into a puddle and drain into the ocean. Molly and Ellie held my hands as we approached, both of them squeezing tightly when Carter came into view. His head lifted and he was searching. Looking for Max?
Looking for me.
Carter locked eyes with me and charged towards us. Molly tensed up, and I could tell her impulse was to run, which was very fucking tempting. Ellie put a shoulder in front of me as if shielding me from whatever might happen. I was just frozen.
But the look in his eyes wasn’t anger. It was a kind of desperation; they were hollow and full at the same time. Like they confidently knew what they wanted but weren’t sure how to get it.
Carter reached us, and I wanted to say something. Sorry? Hi? Who knows—I didn’t get a chance to figure it out because he grabbed my arms, breaking my hands from my friends’, and kissed me. It felt so comfortable, so nice. I had missed him, which I didn’t really think about until right then. My heart had felt so small and shut the past few weeks—now, it cracked open and filled up with all this stuff I couldn’t name. When he pulled away, I didn’t want him to.
“You have to come with me,” was all he said. I nodded like a zombie. I felt like I had no legs, but when he took my hand I followed him. Carter only took four steps before he turned back and kissed me again. This time it felt worried, like he might not get the chance to do it again. He walked me through the crowd, leaving Molly and Ellie trailing a little behind. My friends weren’t ones to cramp my style, but they weren’t going to wait and hear the story secondhand, either.
We got to a tent set up behind the stage, and Carter stopped before heading into it. He shook his head, giving me a sad look and finally parted the cloth, holding his arm out to invite me in.
I had no clue where I was supposed to be going—people were here and there and everywhere, with headsets on, wires trailing after them, yelling across the tent to one another. Then, through a part in the sea of chaos, I saw him.
Isaac sat on a chair, bouncing his foot up and down nervously, glancing around to see if he was in anyone’s way. I looked to Carter, wanting an explanation that I shouldn’t have been asking him for. It wasn’t fair of me, but he had always known what to say to me, and I was hoping he still would.
“He came to prove it to you,” Carter said, his voice ripe with hurt. I could tell Ellie had been completely correct—it was killing him to let me go to Isaac, but if I was going to choose him he wanted it to be on the right terms. That way there would be no going back.
I peeked out of the tent at Molly and Ellie, but they looked more shocked than I felt. Molly just shrugged, Ellie stared at Isaac like she wanted to poke him and make sure he was real. Isaac finally looked over and saw me, too. Neither of us made a move towards the other; my heart had that filling up feeling again, and it was so heavy now that it was like I couldn’t lift my feet. He stood up, walked over to me. We still didn’t say anything.
Molly leaned in, shouldering me in the back and pushing me forwards. I guess I was going to have to talk instead of just overanalyze.
“Uh. Hi,” I stuttered. Real smooth. Real sexy. It was easy to see why these two men both wanted me.
“You’re not going to ask me what I’m doing here?” Isaac laughed, thinning out the thick layer of tension. I wanted him to touch me.
“I think I can answer that one for myself.” I smiled back at him. “I am surprised though.” It had actually happened. When I first got to California I had wished and prayed every night that tomorrow I would wake up and Isaac would show up. He would get on a plane and find me and knock on my door and kiss me until I couldn’t remember why I had to forget about him. And that would be the last moment I would ever have control over my own heart again; it would be his, and he would want it. But he had taken too long. I had tried to give his heart to someone else, so the fantasy wasn’t as captivating as it had once been.
“I don’t want to keep you from getting ready or anything. I’m going to stay to watch you sing. And I was hoping we could talk after?” Isaac held one of my hands, brushing his thumb across the top. He threw a glance at Carter—not necessarily confrontational, but it did seem to dare him to object.
“Yeah…okay. We can talk later.”
Isaac smiled and kissed my cheek. Carter grimaced. He was being understanding, but let’
s not get carried away.
***
So we went on, and we played together. The words I’d written about Isaac, I was actually singing to him. I watched his eyes take it all in—he was hearing, he was seeing how he had hurt me. And he was here to make it all okay. But then I’d look to Carter, and the words were for him, too. For him, the songs were my apology because I was the one causing the hurt. Isaac hadn’t been ready to catch me, and Carter had wanted me to jump too soon—either way, I fell on my ass. My skin was pulsating with awareness that this music had made my heart beat a little differently, and I couldn’t ignore that.
I felt it as it happened—the ending. Normally you don’t feel something like that until you look back, and it’s too late to appreciate it the way you might want to. I had to face who I was and how my love was factoring into that. There are times you know you have to be stronger than you think is possible. Sometimes you have to pretend you’re strong enough by being fearless instead. We finished our songs and we squeezed our hands and we took a bow.
It started and it ended with a girl who really didn’t know how to be in love.
What would I say to Isaac? What would I say to Carter? I had let myself hide in this little bubble with my friends since they had come, and I realized that I still didn’t know exactly what I should do. Did I even know what I wanted to do? I was starting to doubt I would ever know what I really wanted. And in my inability to answer that question, I found the only answer there was.
***
After the show, I sat on a piece of waterlogged driftwood around a bonfire we had lit for the beach party. It had been my idea to do this big thing with all the people who supported us, but now I just wanted to be alone. I had enough pressure from this whole fucking circumstance without all these little girls running around who were jealous of me because they thought I was dating Carter and from having to act like we weren’t on the brink of mutual destruction because of our “image”, according to Max. Carter was staying relatively busy, signing autographs and entertaining the masses—doing what he was best at. He was still protecting me, knowing how hard it would be for me to deal with all these people right now.
I hated myself just a little bit more.
Watching Molly and Ellie drink and dance around the fire, talking to shirtless California surfer types, I so envied their carefree-ness. Molly’s hair blew in the wind. One of the guys wiped it away from her face, and I swear I could see the spark flicker when he touched her. It could be nothing, but it could be the start of everything.
I love that moment.
I became aware of a body next to me, looked over, and saw Isaac sitting at the end of the log. He was as beautiful as the day I’d first met him—strong jaw, soft eyes, both bathed in firelight. I smiled at him as he slid down closer to me, knocking knees with mine. There was no flicker and that confirmed the answer I already had. The spark wasn’t as sparky anymore. It had been left without fuel for too long.
“Do you hate me?” Isaac asked. It wasn’t his usual jokey tone. “I came here because when I talked to you that day—really, when I talked to you at Hogans the night you were home—it felt like maybe you didn’t hate me anymore. But…do you? Hate me?”
“Um. Uh…” I mulled it over. There had been so many times over the past year I had wanted to stick my finger in his face and tell him just how much I hated him, hoping it would stab him and make him feel just a fraction of the wound I’d been trying to heal. Even then it wouldn’t really have been true. “There were moments I thought I hated you. There were a lot more moments I wished I hated you. It would have made everything so much easier if I could hate you, Isaac. But I never have—and I know I never will.”
Isaac nodded, understanding what I meant perfectly. I wanted him to start talking again, give me some time to pussy out a little bit longer. It was never going to be easy to miss him, and I didn’t want to start a second before I had to. But I knew that wasn’t okay anymore—he’d said what he needed to. It was my turn. Fair was fair. “I never thought we would get here.” I took a deep breath and tried to find words. “Isaac, you were my best dream and my worst nightmare. Both. And it tore me apart.”
“I’m sorry, Josie. I was an idiot…” I cut Isaac off before he could keep going.
This wasn’t about making him apologize.
“I wanted to hear you tell me you love me. Every day. For as long as we were together. And for all the times we weren’t. Being with you was exhausting and exhilarating and intoxicating and infuriating. It was so exciting in so many different ways, and that has been really hard to let go of. Because I’m terrified I won’t find it again—that nobody else that will ever be able to excite me that way. But you’re the guy who will never be able to really love me.”
“I do love you. I love you. And believe me, I tried not to. After you left—I had to lie with headphones in at night for months because it was the only way I could distract myself long enough to fall asleep.” He took my hand. How many nights had I laid awake doing the same exact fucking thing? How many nights had I fallen asleep to memories of us playing like a movie in my head? I would’ve done anything to know that he was as miserable as I was—maybe then we wouldn’t have had to be miserable at all. This—right here, was all I had ever wanted from him.
And it was too late.
You can’t be who I need you to be. You couldn’t love me until you knew how hard it would be for me to love you, too. We had so much time to do it right, and we seem to only be able to make the jump when the other one isn’t ready. I had no business falling in love with you when I did. It was illogical, and you were unavailable. We have this thing that could burn us alive if we let it; we can’t keep up with it. We are not meant to be together, and so love will never be enough for us. You couldn’t love me soon enough, and I had to make myself fall out of love with you before you caught up.”
I took my hands from his to wipe the tears that were falling from my stupid fucking eyes now. I didn’t deserve to cry; I was the one doing the breaking up. And yet my hands were shaking so much that Isaac had to brush the tears away for me. In this tiny act of kindness, I could feel how much he loved me and how much he had thought it would finally be our time. It would finally be right. But it wasn’t and never would be, and I didn’t want to try and fool myself anymore. It hurt too much to be with him, and it hurt too much to be without him. Putting off the inevitable wouldn’t do anyone any good.
“I think,” I slobbered. “That in a small way I’ll be in love with you for the rest of my life, like an undercurrent. I’ll probably binge on Ben & Jerry’s when I find out on Instagram or Facebook that you’ve fallen in love with the girl who’s right. But I still want that for you.”
Isaac turned away from me, and I thought for a second he might be crying. It would’ve been helpful if he had been, actually, ‘cause that would’ve made me instantly less sexually attracted to him (JUST KIDDING, SENSITIVE SALLY BOYS). But when he turned back, he wasn’t tear-stained, just sad.
“I want that for me.” He smiled, poking me in the ribs. I laughed with my snot- covered face. “And I want that for you, too.”
***
We hugged and Isaac walked off. This time, I didn’t know if I’d ever see him again. Each time we’d ever broken up, it had been a bookmark. I’d know I could come back to it when I was bored or remembered how much I loved this book. This time the book was shut, and it wasn’t like when I finished one of the Harry Potters—there was no cliffhanger to promise more to come, no reason to count the days to the next release. It was like finishing the series. The end was the end; I didn’t have to read any more.
Carter came up behind me as I walked down to the shore. It was darker now, the stars starting to reflect in the ocean. A broken wave washed over my feet and when I looked into the sea, I had no reflection. So when he touched my waist I nearly jumped into the water to get away from what I instantly assumed was a kidnapper.
“Sorry, hey.” Carter smiled at my skittishness.
He looked happy. I didn’t know why, and it was kinda creeping me out. “I saw Isaac leave.” Ah, that’s why.
“He did, yeah.”
“So…that means…”
I looked at Carter, chewing the inside of my cheek and wishing a giant tidal wave would come crashing down on us right now so that we would swallow a lot of salt water and not be able to talk. I realize I had just found myself hoping to drown, but it wasn’t a bad alternative to what I had to do instead.
“Carter…” I reached out for his hand but he swung it away, taken aback, I guess, by the fact I hadn’t just grabbed him and kissed him and told him I had chosen him. It was very fucking clear that was how he had expected this moonlit ocean stroll to go. Thanks, Hollywood.
“No. I saw you hug him goodbye. I saw him leave. That means it’s not him.”
“It’s not him.”
“It’s got to be me then. It’s got to be.” It seemed like Carter was only partly talking to me. Not like I pictured this conversation being easy, but apparently it was going to be even harder than that. I wondered if I should just tie some rocks onto my feet and walk into the water. He was talking to himself, so he might not even notice?
“That’s what I thought, too.” I gently put myself back into his conversation. “At first. That I had to make a choice that it would be him or it would be you. It should be clear cut, black or white, wheat or gluten-free. It wasn’t.”
“Just because a decision is hard doesn’t mean you can just not make it, Josie. What if Sophie had done that? The movie would’ve sucked. Meryl Streep probably wouldn’t have the career she does today.” He was pacing around, which took a different amount of commitment on sand.
“I’m not not making a decision, Carter. I made the decision that neither of the relationships are what’s right for me. Isaac—I just will never be able to make it work with him. He could never love me when I needed him to. He will never love me as much as I need him to.”
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