“I don’t know what to say.” I glance down at the old, scarred wooden table, my vision growing hazy, my thoughts full of the beautiful green-eyed girl who’s turned my world completely upside down. I miss her. I’m furious with her. I love her. I don’t want to look at her.
It’s confusing as hell.
“I don’t know what to do. Every time I open my mouth, I ruin it. No one’s on my side. They’re all on Ava’s. Even you guys,” I say miserably.
Tony sighs. “Look, regarding Caleb and Diego. All this trouble between you and Ava reminds them of high school. When it was very much an us versus you mentality. Don’t forget, we were all Jake’s friends first. You mess with Ava, you mess with us too. That’s how we used to roll.”
“That’s how you guys still roll.” I curl my hand into a fist and lightly tap the edge of the table. “I’ve lived with Caleb the last couple of years. He’s one of my closest friends. And that guy is still going to take Ava’s side over mine, thanks to his friendship with Jake.”
“He was just giving you shit.” Tony brushes it off, waving his hand. “Don’t let him get to you.”
“That guy is full of golden advice when he wants to give it.” It’s surprisingly true. I’ve heard many a wise word fall from Caleb’s lips, but not lately.
“Right. But he can also be an idiot who says whatever comes to him at any given moment. Don’t let him bring you down. And don’t think he doesn’t have your back. He does. We all do.” He pauses. “Even me.”
I decide to be brutally honest. “Feels like it was difficult for you to say that.”
“It wasn’t.” He runs a hand through his hair, pushing it off his forehead. “I like you, Bennett. But more than anything, I respect you. You did a complete turn-around this last year. You went from being an emotional player who let every little thing get to you, and turned yourself into a focused QB with solid leadership qualities. The team admires you. They want to please you like you’re our dad or something, and it’s pretty incredible.”
I just stare at him, trying to wrap my head around what he’s saying.
“You’re having an off moment, and you’re letting all of those emotions get in your head again.” He taps his temple with his index finger. “Everything’s living right there, messing with your focus. Your game. What’s going to fix it?”
“I was starting to think having sex with Ava was fucking with my game.” The words fall from my lips without thought. “I mean, look at me. We do it in the back seat of my car and now I can’t play for shit.”
Tony chuckles. “I really doubt having sex with Ava is ruining your game play.”
“Whatever. It’s possible.”
I’m being ridiculous.
I think of us in the back seat Saturday night. How eager I was to get her naked. Get inside of her. And how I ruined it all after we were done. She haunts me to the point of madness. I can see her face right now, just after she pulled on my hoodie, all sex-rumpled and gorgeous, and hurt.
So fucking hurt.
All because of me.
“I’m a dick,” I say, then blow out a harsh breath. I prop my elbows on the table and hold my head in my hands. “I don’t know how to fix this.”
“Talk to her.” He keeps saying that, everyone does. But it’s not that easy. A conversation isn’t going to fix us.
“I tried that.” I lift my eyes to his. “I ended up fucking her in the back seat of my car and making everything else worse.”
He doesn’t even flinch. God, if I had even fifty percent of this guy’s calmness, I’d be a totally different person. “You love her?”
“Yes,” I croak, sounding like I was just diagnosed with an incurable disease.
“Are you in love with her?”
I lift my head and drop my arms onto the table. “Of course I am. I’ve been in love with that girl for what feels like forever. She lives inside of me.” I rest my hand against my chest like some dramatic emo kid.
“Then why can’t you say sorry for being a jackass and move on? The longer you keep this up, the more you’re driving her away.”
I absorb what Tony just said, watching him drink from his glass. Watching still as he checks his phone. He taps out a quick text, his lips curved into a barely-there smile, and I know immediately who he’s texting.
Hayden.
“You love her?” I tilt my head toward the phone still in his hand.
The expression on his face softens as he thinks of his girl. “Yeah.”
“What if she told you she was going to leave for four months instead of spending her summer with you?” I ask. “Put yourself in my shoes. I rarely saw Ava the last couple of years, thanks to her being in San Diego. We didn’t spend a lot of time together. The college she chose to attend is a six-hour drive away. I snapped up every minute I could with that girl, yet she still wanted to bail on me.”
“She didn’t want to bail on you, she wanted to do something for herself. Something that was important to her. An opportunity that could’ve changed her life and allowed her to see a different part of the world. All she ever wanted was your support, Eli,” Tony says, as if he’s speaking on Ava’s behalf.
“Did the trip to Spain change her life?” I ask, not bothering to wait for his answer. “Because it sure as hell changed mine. I ended up losing her in the process and now I’m all fucked in the head.”
“That’s your own damn fault. And you’re too stubborn to see it.” He takes a swig of his beer before slamming the glass down onto the table. “I thought I might be able to talk to you and make you see what you’ve done, but here you are, bringing up all that old shit when I thought you were moving past it. You’re impossible.”
I open my mouth, about to protest, but Tony keeps talking. “It’s not always about you, you know. You can’t put your abandonment issues on her. She wasn’t abandoning you. She was going somewhere else for a couple of months. That’s it. I don’t know how many times we all have to tell you this.”
“I don’t put my issues on her,” I protest, offended. “And I don’t have abandonment issues.”
“Ha!”
That’s all Tony says. Ha!
I glare at him. He drinks his beer, calm as ever. I remember what I said to him earlier at practice, like a little baby. How everyone leaves me.
My big mouth proving his point.
“Hey guys! Here’s your pizza.”
We both swivel our heads to find a cute blonde standing at the end of our table, holding the pizza high above her head. She slides it onto the table, then drops a stack of paper plates next to it.
“Need anything else?” she asks cheerfully, her gaze swinging to mine. Her eyes widen the slightest bit, as if she might recognize me, and she says, “Aren’t you…”
“No, he’s not,” Tony says, his voice short and rude as hell. “And we don’t need anything else. Thanks.”
“Uh…you’re welcome.” She shoots him a confused look before she wanders off.
“That was mean,” I say, as I reach for a paper plate before I drop a slice of pizza on it.
“I don’t know if I could handle watching some hot blonde who gives off vague Ava vibes fawning all over you and you giving her your number.” He grabs his own slice of pizza before taking a giant bite out of it, plopping it onto his plate.
“I wasn’t going to flirt with her.” I didn’t even realize she had vague Ava vibes. “And I definitely wasn’t going to give her my number.”
Tony snorts. “Right.”
“Hey, I’m a free agent. If I want to flirt with a babe, I can,” I tell him.
“You’re not a free agent. You’re hopelessly in love with Ava, like you just told me.” He shakes his head and I hate seeing the disappointment on his face. Now I feel like this guy is my dad and all I do is ruin everything.
Sucks.
“Man up, Eli,” Tony continues. “You’re almost done with college. You have a chance to play for the NFL, which I know excites you, no matter how much you try
to blow it off. Like I said, Man. The. Fuck. Up. Tell her you love her. Tell her you want to be with her. Tell her you’re fucking sorry, bro. Before you lose her for good.”
Eighteen
Ava
What does one do when she’s super frustrated with her ex, who has sex with her and then expresses doubt over the entire hookup?
She rage cleans her childhood bedroom, that’s what.
I’ve been in pure demolition cleaning mode for the last couple of days. Going through my closet was a project long overdue, and so overwhelming, I almost quit multiple times.
But I powered through. It helped to keep my focus on other things and not allow myself to think about Eli.
Which I’m doing right now. He needs to go. Vanish. Poof.
It’s hard not to think about him when I find specific clothing items that I wore with him. Like the dress I wore at the homecoming ceremony when I won junior princess—the same dress I wore the night he took my virginity. I wanted to put it in the donation pile so badly, but like a sentimental fool, I hung onto it.
Then I stumbled upon the jersey I wore to Bulldog football games last year—the few that I could actually attend. The one with his number on it and his last name emblazoned on the back. I was so proud of that jersey, letting everyone know, who would listen, that he was my boyfriend. I was fully prepared to carry that name myself eventually.
Ava Bennett has a good ring to it.
It’s when I start going through my old jewelry box that I have a difficult time. So many sentimental items. A lot of them from Eli. I put them all together in one little drawer. A pair of earrings he gave me. A silver bracelet with a tiny heart charm. A necklace with a small diamond pendant.
And then I find the necklace.
The one that belonged to him with the #1 pendant on it. My brother tore it off his neck when they got into a fight in our back yard a long time ago, and I found it. Kept it. Never gave it back to Eli, and when he discovered I was wearing it, he said it belonged to me.
“I like seeing my number on you,” he said one night, when I was lying there with nothing else on but that necklace.
The tears form and I clutch the stupid necklace in my fist, tempted to throw it away.
But his dad gave it to him a long time ago, and I know it has sentimental value. Does he even remember that I still have it? Would he want it back?
I’m thinking yes. He’d definitely want it back.
I find a little envelope that I saved for whatever reason and drop the necklace inside, sealing it with the metal closure. I suppose I could mail it back to him. That’s the sort of impersonal treatment he totally deserves.
Or I could write him a letter and express all the pain he’s brought upon me. Would he read it? Would he understand what I was trying to say to him?
Probably not.
Heaving a big sigh, I drop the envelope on my dresser, right when there’s a knock on my door and then it swings open.
“Hey,” Ellie strides in, all sunshiny bright with the mustard yellow sweater she’s wearing and that giant smile on her face. “How are you?”
We’re all going to pretend what happened Saturday night never happened. I’d been an emotional, underdressed wreck when they found me, and they all rallied around me so hard. It felt good, basking in their love and care, even though I was the saddest I think I’ve ever been in my life.
They reminded me there were more important things in my life than just Eli, and I needed that. More than I realized.
“I’m good,” I say, smiling at her in return. “Just…cleaning.”
Ellie’s gaze scans the room, her expression slowly morphing into surprise, along with a hint of dismay. “Wow, it looks like a bomb went off in here.”
“A bomb made of clothes.” I go to my bed and sweep a bunch of clothes off of it, not caring that they all fall onto the floor in a heap. “It’s a big project.”
“I’ll say.” She perches on the edge of the bed, glancing around. “What are you doing with all of this?”
“Donating most of it. Some things I’m tossing. If they’re faded or ripped or whatever.” I gesture toward a garbage bag sitting next to my desk full of items I’m throwing away. “I own a lot of stuff, so it feels good to get rid of most of it. It’s a cleanse.”
“Like a metaphor for your entire life right now,” Ellie says dryly.
I shoot her a look. “True.”
Her expression turns serious. “Are you doing okay after what…happened?”
I nod. Shrug. “Yeah. I mean, it is what it is. I can’t change any of it.”
“Have you heard from him?”
I shake my head.
Her expression turns sour. “He’s the worst. Seriously. He can’t even text you?”
“We’ve blocked each other in every way you can think of. He has no way of getting a hold of me,” I explain, feeling stupid.
“And how old are we again? This is some early high school shit if you ask me.” Ellie hops to her feet and starts wandering around my room, dropping down to go through a pile of old flannel shirts I don’t want anymore. She glances up at me. “Do you care if I take some of these?”
“Have at them,” I tell her. “You can take whatever you want.”
She starts making her own stack of clothes. “I have good news about Halloween.”
I appreciate her change of topic. I really don’t want to rehash what Eli and I did. And how he reacted afterward. What’s done is done. I can’t change any of it, and while I regret the conversation afterward, I don’t regret us having sex. I’ve missed him. His body, his mouth, his words, being close with him, having him in a way that no one else ever does.
“What do you mean?” I ask, when I realize Ellie is waiting for me to say something.
“Jackson rented a cabin on the lake.” She grins. “And wait until you see it.”
“Pretty nice?” I raise a brow.
Ellie rises to her feet. “It’s huge. Three stories with two giant wraparound decks that face the lake. It’s been recently remodeled, right down to the studs, whatever that means. And we’re having a massive costume party there Friday night.”
She’s grinning from ear to ear, she looks so pleased with her announcement, and while I bet the house is amazing, and the party will be fun, I don’t know if I want to go.
Okay, for real? I really don’t want to go.
“Sounds fun.” I fake it for my friend’s benefit, since she seems so excited. But I’m sure Eli will be there, and he is the last person I want to see. “I’ll probably have to pass.”
“Oh come on, Ava.” Ellie’s face falls and she puts her clasped hands up in front of her chest. “Don’t say that. I want you there. We’ll have so much fun. We can decorate the house all scary and wear funny costumes and get shit-faced drunk. It’ll be everything we wanted to do in high school, only we’re older, and we can get away with it now.”
That does sound like a good time. I wouldn’t mind getting shit-faced, just to forget my troubles. I’m always down for a costume party, since Halloween is one of my favorite times of year. I’d have a blast helping her decorate the house.
“Jackson was able to convince the homeowners that it was cool if a rock star had a party at their place? They really don’t mind?” I ask.
“Money talks,” Ellie says. “Seriously, I think he paid an outrageous amount to rent it, plus the deposit. But Jackson told me it wasn’t about the money. He just wanted us to have a good time—and he knew this would make me happy.”
Oh swoon. With a hint of gag. They’re total relationship goals while I’m totally single.
“You two are adorable,” I say with a sigh.
“You think we’re gross,” Ellie says with a laugh. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re fine.” I smile at her. “I’m happy you’re happy.”
“I wish you were happy, though,” Ellie says, her voice small. “That’s all I want for you, Ava. And I feel like he destroys your happiness every time
you see him.”
“Is he going to be invited to this party?” I love how neither of us say his name.
“I can’t tell Jackson he’s not invited,” she admits, sinking her teeth into her lower lip. “Though I wish I could. But Eli is his best friend. He loves that guy with his whole heart.”
“Then maybe I shouldn’t go,” I say. I go to the dresser and pick up the envelope, contemplating what I’m going to do before I turn to her and stretch my hand out, the envelope clasped in my fingers. “Can you give this to Jackson to give to Eli?”
Ellie frowns. “What is it?”
“Just take it.” I wave the envelope at her and she snatches it from my fingers. “Open it. Look at it. I don’t care.”
Her gaze stays on me for a moment before she opens the envelope and peeks inside, then pulls the necklace out, the pendant dangling from the chain.
I avert my gaze, hating how my chest literally hurts just looking at that stupid #1 pendant. Wishing I could focus on the fact that he’s such an egotistical asshole he chose the number one as his jersey number. “Yeah, I’ll make sure he gets it back.”
“Thank you.” I exhale loudly and then paste on a smile. “Nothing like getting rid of old memories that just drag you down, am I right?”
“For sure,” she says with a firm nod, shoving the necklace back into the envelope before she drops it into her purse, which is resting on my bed. “Ava, fuck that guy.”
“Right. Okay. Fuck that guy.” I nod and smile, but inside, my heart is cracking. Even when I think it can’t break anymore, he still manages to shatter it into a million pieces.
Completely destroying me.
“Did you have a nice visit with Ellie?”
I come to a stop at the kitchen counter, watching as my mom washes her hands at the sink. “I did,” I tell her back. “She took some of my clothes.”
“Great. You have a lot. I’m sure you won’t miss them.” Mom turns off the faucet and dries her hands before she turns to face me. “She should’ve stayed for dinner.”
The Senior (College Years Book 4) Page 15