That’s kind of fucked up.
No, that’s actually really fucked up.
“Where are the girls?” I ask, wanting to get it out of the way. I have a suspicion Ava is with them.
“At the day spa at Tenaya Lodge,” Jackson says with a grin. “All the ladies are getting special treatment today, thanks to me.”
“Showoff,” Caleb mutters. “Making me look bad.”
“I doubt that. Gracie looks at you as if you can do no wrong,” Jackson tells him, shaking his head. “Still can’t believe you two are together.”
“I love her,” Caleb says simply. “She makes my life better. I don’t know why I denied wanting a girlfriend for so long.”
“You were waiting for her ass,” Jackson says, like that explains everything. “That’s how I feel about Ellie, at least.”
I think of Ava and how I chased after her. Was that the wrong move? I’m not a chill dude. I can’t wait for things to happen to me. I’m the one who’s always making it happen.
And maybe that’s where I fucked up with Ava. I forced myself on her and she had no choice but to be with me.
Maybe we were never meant to be.
“How many people are coming to this party tonight?” I ask, desperate to get my mind off Ava.
“I don’t know. A lot.” Jackson grins. “We invited at least fifty, and told them to invite their friends. With over five thousand square feet, this place can accommodate them.”
“Damn, that’s a lot of potential people.” Caleb glances around. “They could fuck this place up.”
“I’m not worried,” Jackson says easily. “If it ends up a mess, I’ll hire someone to clean it.”
“Must be nice to not have to worry about money,” Caleb says.
“You have no idea,” Jackson says. “You’ll be there someday, my friend.”
Maybe Caleb will, maybe not. I don’t think any of us will know what it’s like to have the sort of money and fame Jackson has.
“You’ve got us all beat,” I tell Jackson. “Mr. Fancy Leather Pants Rock Star.”
I will never let him live down the leather pants he wore in a music video last year. So tight I swear I could make out the outline of his junk, which he denied, but come on.
Women went nuts for those leather pants. He has legions of female fans.
“Shut the fuck up,” he says good-naturedly. “You’re just mad you’d never look as good as me in leather pants.”
“What the hell ever,” I mutter, all of us laughing.
“And don’t count yourself out. You’re about to embark on an NFL career,” Jackson says.
“True,” Caleb adds.
“Maybe.” I shrug.
I don’t know if it’ll actually happen. I’d love to play for a professional team, but could I stand the pressure? Could I actually make it onto the team? All that old doubt resurfaces like it always does and I try my best to shove it away, but it’s hard.
Tomorrow’s game is important—we need to clench our position in the playoffs, and every game matters. This means we’re drawing closer to playing in a college bowl—with me as the quarterback. The last time that happened, Ash Davis took us. This season, it’s on me. It’s my last shot for glory. I don’t want to choke up and lose. What if I keep losing? What if my chance at a bowl win is lost? All thanks to me?
I can barely stomach the idea. I need to focus. No drinking tonight. They all say I need to get fucked up so I can forget my problems, but fuck that.
I’m having a calm evening, catching up with Brenden and the rest of these assholes, and I’m going to crash early. Jackson offered me a bedroom to stay the night in and I took him up on it. I can leave first thing in the morning with plenty of time to get to the stadium for the game. It’s all set up perfectly.
I can’t let anyone distract me from the end goal. Not even Ava.
Especially not myself.
Twenty
Ava
The house where Jackson and Ellie are having the party is so large that it’s been relatively easy for me to avoid Eli all night. I only spotted him once since the party started. We made eye contact in the crowded game room on the ground floor, his gaze flickering up and down my body, not bothering to hide that he was checking me out.
My skin heated and I stood taller, thrusting my chest out. Wanting him to get a good look at what he’s missing out on. Me dressed as a cowgirl in extra-short denim shorts, a tank top that barely contains my breasts, with an old flannel I dug up in my closet thrown on over it and tied at the waist. The cowboy boots I’m wearing I borrowed from Gracie and they’re pinching my feet, but damn it, I look good. I feel powerful. Pretty.
Sexy.
He looked away when I thrust my chest out, some girl standing next to him said something and he focused all of his attention on her.
While I stood there and stewed, furious.
Jealous.
I hate when I feel like this.
I didn’t bother retaliating though. There are no boys here that I want to talk to. Despite Ellie pointing out a good-looking one every time she found one, and yeah, I can’t deny that there are a lot of attractive guys here tonight, I’m just not interested. The last thing I want is someone new. I don’t even want to flirt or hook-up, none of it.
I just want to be by myself for a little while.
Ellie dressed up as a cowgirl too, and Jackson dressed as a cowboy—wearing leather pants. They’re tight and more than a little ridiculous but somehow Jackson can pull them off so I don’t say anything as the three of us take endless photos together at the beginning of the party. I just smile and stand at his side, silently admitting he doesn’t look half bad in them.
Caleb’s in a pimp costume and Gracie is dressed as a police officer. She keeps slapping the fake handcuffs on him and pretending she’s going to haul him out to her police car. At one point, they were nowhere to be found for about a half hour, and I wondered if they hooked up in her car.
Probably.
There are a lot of creative costumes, though most of the females are wearing a sexy variation of something. A lot of the guys didn’t even bother dressing up, including Eli.
The spoilsport.
The house is decorated perfectly. Dark and spooky with scary music playing in the background and a fog machine pumping out scented fog into the game room, filling it with mist. Most of the regular lightbulbs have been replaced with black ones, so everything is dim and dark.
It’s a total mood.
I wish I was in a better one, so I could really enjoy this.
Jackson had the party catered and the food is to die for, but I’m not that hungry. I nibble on a few appetizers. Drink one too many witches’ brew cocktails. Make conversation with the girls. Let Gracie and Hayden introduce me to some of their friends, women I’ve never met before who are a little older than me and seem so put together. They talk about their careers, their futures and their boyfriends. One of them is engaged. Another is trying to get pregnant because she doesn’t want to be an old mom, preferring to be a young, cool mom.
Direct quote.
I just nod and smile, feeling as if I have nothing in common with any of them, though I don’t dislike them. Not at all. I just feel very young and inexperienced. Even Ellie can hold her own, chatting with them about her life with Jackson and how much she’s traveled. I don’t bother mentioning my dad is a retired NFL star and that we traveled the world when I was young. Most trips I don’t really remember because I was just a kid and I didn’t appreciate what we were doing.
That’s not my story to tell. It’s my parents’. All I’ve ever done is gone to college for a couple of years and participated in a study abroad program in Spain. I learned a lot during my time there. I went to quite a few cities and explored the country. I enjoyed spending time with my host family and I interned with an established textile company, learning the ins and outs of the family-run business, all while working on my conversational Spanish. It was a great experience.
But it’s kid stuff compared to these women and what they do. I’ve done nothing special. I let myself get wrapped up in a relationship with a man who was doing far more interesting things than me. Does that make me pathetic?
I’m starting to think it does.
Or maybe those are my own insecurities bringing me down.
I drown my disappointment in myself with more Halloween-themed cocktails, this time sipping on a witches’ heart. It’s purple and red and the cute bartender served it to me in a martini glass. I don’t bother telling him I’m underage—another pitiful detail about me—and I take another one, my head spinning as I feel the alcohol coursing through my veins, warming me from the inside.
“Ava.”
I nearly jump out of my skin when I hear my name, the drink sloshing from the glass as I whip around to find Ellie watching me with concern filling her dark gaze. I smile and raise my glass in a toast to her, right before I take a sip.
“Are you okay?” she asks me.
I shake my head. “Never better.”
Her frown deepens. “What’s wrong?” She takes a step closer, her voice lowering as she reaches out and grabs my free hand. “Did Eli say something to you?”
“No, he’s been ignoring me all night.” I say the last few words so loud, more than a few people swivel their heads in my direction. “Ellie, do you think I’m enough?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Me. Am I enough? Or am I a pathetic little girl who’s accomplished nothing in her life and never will?” I’m on the verge of tears. I can literally feel them trembling beneath my eyeballs, so I squeeze them shut, willing them not to fall. Once they do, the waterworks show will be officially on and I won’t be able to stop it.
It’s supposed to be a happy time. We’re at a party. We should be living it up and having fun. Instead, all I want to do is drown in my misery with tears.
“Oh, Ava. You are totally enough.” Ellie squeezes my hand. “Why would you even think like that?”
“Hayden and Gracie introduced me to their friends and they’re all so accomplished. They’ve done things for themselves, you know? They’ve graduated college and started careers and they’ve got something to talk about.” I dip my head, staring at the boots on my feet. “I’ve got nothing.”
“You’re only twenty,” Ellie points out.
“So are you.” I lift my head, my gaze meeting hers. “We’re the same age and you’ve done so much more already.”
“You’ve done a lot too, thanks to your father.”
“Only because of my father,” I correct. “What I’ve done doesn’t count because it wasn’t me. It’s all my father. And my parents, together. Me? I’m just lucky enough to be his kid. That’s it. I’ve accomplished nothing so far, and I already feel so behind in experiences. In life. I’ve wasted so much time.”
“Ava, that’s not true. You’ve always said you wanted to change the world,” she starts, but I cut her off with a look.
“How, though? I have no plan. I’m majoring in international business, but I don’t want to be a business woman.” I say the last two words as if they’re dirty. “I don’t care about any of the classes I’m taking. When I’m at SDSU, I’m a good little student, the perfect sorority girl. Always helping out. Getting involved, but for what?”
“You’re allowed to have fun,” Ellie says softly.
“Meh. I’m just some dumb blonde lost in the crowd. A girl who wasted the last four years of her life loving a boy who so easily gave her up because she wanted to do something for herself.” The tears do come now, sliding down my cheeks as if I can’t control them. Which I suppose I can’t. “How do you do it, Ellie? How do you become an individual when you’re so connected to Jackson?”
“I just make sure I never stand too deep in Jackson’s shadow.” She smiles, before pulling me into a hug, holding me close. “You are a star, Ava. A big, bright, shining star and I don’t want you feeling like you’re not important enough. You’re going to go on and make something of yourself. It’s okay if you don’t know what that is yet. You still have plenty of time to figure it out.”
I cling to her, the drink dangling from my fingers, and I’m careful I don’t spill it on either of us. “I’m scared. What if I fuck something up?”
“If you do, it’s okay. It can be fixed.” She smiles reassuringly.
I slowly pull away from her. “You really believe in me that much?”
“I’ve always believed in you,” she says, leaning in so she can press her forehead to mine. “Now let’s dump that drink and go outside so you can get some fresh air. I think you need to slow down on the alcohol consumption for a little bit.”
We end up on the top floor of the house, Ellie leading me out onto the deck. Even at night, the view is magical. There’s a full moon, so the silvery light glints off the lake, the towering pine trees shrouded in shadow. There are strings of orange and purple lights overhead, strung across and attached to poles in a crisscross pattern. There are overstuffed outdoor couches and chairs strewn about, surrounding wood-burning firepits. Up here it’s quieter, a lot less people, though there are still plenty of them around. The women sitting are draped in thick, cozy blankets and I shiver, wishing I had one wrapped around me.
Ellie finds us a bowl of chips and we nibble on them as we sit by one of the firepits, the warmth of the fire warming us up. She found a bottle of water for me and I sip from it every few minutes, feeling better already.
“I’m too emotional,” I tell my best friend. “I need to get over myself.”
She fiercely shakes her head. “No, you’re not too emotional. You have every right to feel this way—you’ve been through a lot. It’s like the seven stages of grief or whatever. Right now, you’re sad. And picking on yourself.”
“I need to stop. Maybe he’s the one I should be picking on, you know?”
“How about we just stop talking about him?” She lifts her brows. “You’re wasting your energy, worrying over what he’s doing, or worse, getting mad at him. Forget him, Ava. If he’s really going to let you go so easily, then he never deserved you in the first place.”
Ellie’s right.
So why is it so hard to let him go?
Oh, I know. It’s because I just glanced up and there he is, sitting on a couch across the deck from us, Jackson on one side of him and…
I squint, trying to make out the other guy sitting next to him. His face is familiar, but I can’t quite place him.
“Who is that with Eli and Jackson?” I ask Ellie.
She glances up, her expression changing when she spots them. “Damn it, Ava. I didn’t mean to bring you outside with Eli sitting over there. I didn’t realize he was—”
“It’s okay,” I interrupt. “But who is that guy? He’s familiar to me.”
“It’s Brenden. He was Eli’s best friend back in high school,” she says.
Oh, I totally remember him. They got into a fight at one point, pretty soon after Eli and I got together. Something to do with Brenden’s girlfriend at the time, if I’m remembering correctly.
“Guess Jackson ran into him somewhere a few days ago and invited him to the party. I’m glad he showed up,” Ellie says, her gaze sliding to mine. “Keeps Eli occupied since he wants to catch up with an old friend.”
“Better he stay involved in conversation with his friends than flirting with other girls.” I raise my brows.
“You said it, not me,” Ellie says with a faint smile.
Despite Ellie’s advice—and her constant chatter in trying to distract me—I can’t stop watching them. We keep snacking on chips, Ellie telling me some story I’m barely paying attention to because I’m too distracted, staring at Eli’s profile. His strong jaw, the light scruff I see there, even from this distance, which means it’s not so light after all. The way the side of his mouth ticks up, every once in a while, as if he’s smiling or laughing about something. How animated he is when he talks to his friends. His hands everyw
here, his expressions exaggerated. I can only guess what sort of boastful story he’s telling, but Jackson and Brenden are both laughing, getting into it and adding to Eli’s tale.
My heart pangs. They’re having fun, and I’m glad to see it. Even though I’m miserable. Despite my best friend’s efforts and her sweet words. Even with everyone else rallying around me trying to pump me up and remind me of my worth, I’m still miserable.
I want him. No one else. Just him.
“Ooh, someone just left behind one of the blankets,” Ellie says as she rises to her feet. “I’m going to go grab it so we can share it.”
“Okay,” I say absently, watching as she walks in the opposite direction of where Eli and Jackson are sitting.
I wait a few minutes, my gaze still glued to Eli, and without thought, I stand, making my way over to the couch, the sound of their voices getting clearer the closer I get.
“…and then you fucking hit me. Remember that?” Eli asks Brenden.
I pause, holding my breath as I wait for Brenden’s response. I mean, Eli doesn’t sound mad but, I don’t know.
Maybe he is?
Brenden throws back his head and laughs. Jackson and Eli do too. “I can’t believe I did that,” Brenden says, shaking his head. “I don’t even know where I got the balls to punch you. What the hell was my problem?”
“You were pissed off, that’s why,” Jackson adds.
“Well, I sure as hell wouldn’t do it now,” Brenden says once his laughter has calmed some. “You’re a big motherfucker, Eli. It’s kind of scary.”
Jackson laughs, glancing around the deck, his gaze snagging on me. He does a double take, his smile falling a little, and Eli notices.
Glances over his shoulder.
And spots me.
Twenty-One
Eli
Come the fuck on. I was having a great night. Laughing with my boys, catching up on old times and forgetting about my bullshit problems. And now Ava’s standing behind us, looking cute as hell—and sad as hell too, can’t lie—and probably wanting to start some shit.
The Senior (College Years Book 4) Page 17