Lose my shot at getting to the NFL.
My heart feels like it seizes in my chest and I rub at it absently, recognizing it as anxiety. I can’t risk it.
I can’t risk fucking up our entire future because I’m not doing this just for me—this is all for her too. I love that girl more than anything. She loves me too, and she’ll understand. She will. She comes from a football family. If anyone should get what I’m doing and where I’m coming from, it’s her.
When I finally do see Ava, I can’t help the smile that appears. She smiles in return, her eyes full of sadness. All for me.
Damn, this woman. She has such a big heart.
She comes to me, stopping just in front of me and resting her hands on my chest. “You okay?” Her voice is quiet, just for me.
I nod, leaning in to kiss her because, damn it, I can’t help it. And it might be the last time we kiss for a while.
But she can sacrifice for me, can’t she?
Just for a little while.
“Are you sure?” Her fingers curl into my shirt, tugging me down so I have to kiss her again. Not a hardship. “You seemed really upset earlier. You didn’t even stay on the field for the reporters.”
“So they can ask me endless questions and make me feel like shit? No thanks,” I mutter, slinging my arm around her shoulders and pulling her into my side. “Let’s get out of here.”
“Are you tired? I can go home with Gracie if that’s easier on you,” she suggests, nibbling on her lower lip.
“I want to take you home. I want to talk to you about a few things and maybe I could stop by and see my mom and Ryan, see how she’s doing,” I tell her.
“Okay.” She nods, still looking worried. I don’t like seeing that expression on my girl.
Just wait until I tell her what I’m thinking. She might flip the fuck out.
We chat with the group for a little bit, but we all want out of here, so we part ways in the parking lot, me following Ava, since I have no clue where she parked my car.
“Do you want me to drive?” she asks when we’re finally approaching the car and she’s pulling my keys out of her bag.
“I’ll drive. I don’t mind,” I answer, taking the keys from her.
I’m quiet for the first few minutes I’m driving, maneuvering myself out of the parking lot and away from the stadium and campus. Traffic is shit on the main streets and by the time we’re on the freeway headed north, I’m exhaling with relief.
Traffic stresses me the fuck out. Hell, lately, everything stresses me out.
Ava remains quiet too and I know she’s doing it for me. She’s concentrating on her phone, tapping away on the screen and I wonder who she’s texting.
This makes me remember I need to text my brother and I punch the steering wheel in frustration, startling Ava.
“What’s wrong?”
“I was supposed to call Ryan.”
“Have you talked to him at all today?”
“Nope. I bet he’s pissed at me about it too.”
“It’s the least he could’ve done, show up and help out with your mom. He leaves everything on you,” Ava says bitterly, always running to my defense.
“He doesn’t live here anymore, how can I expect him to help out when he’s not around?” I ask her.
“What’s he doing anyway? I follow him on Instagram. He travels a lot and doesn’t seem to really work a steady job,” she says.
I shrug, unable to answer. Ryan’s turned into a bit of a nomad. When I was younger, I envied his freedom. He didn’t have roots anywhere, and that appealed to me.
Now I realize, he’s lost. He doesn’t know how to settle down. And that must suck, not being able to figure out what you want or who you are.
“I’m just glad he showed up,” I say wearily. “Him being here will be a big help.”
“I guess so.” She crosses her arms in front of her, looking pouty.
Cute.
Sexy as hell.
“Aw, don’t be mad, Princess. Don’t let him get to you.” I learned a long time ago if I let every little thing Ryan did bother me, I’d be pissed for all eternity. And who does that really suck for? Me, while Ryan’s off doing whatever it is Ryan’s doing.
Better to let that shit go.
That I’m even able to let shit go is monumental. I’m not known for that.
“How did my mom seem?” I ask, changing the subject.
Ava visibly relaxes in her seat. “Good. Sore. Really glad to see your brother.”
“She’s always liked him best, even though they fight all the time and he reminds her of Dad,” I say.
Ava gapes at me. “Are you serious?”
“She definitely prefers Ryan over me.” I shrug. “Don’t your parents play favorites?”
“No.” She shakes her head. “Absolutely not. They love us all in different ways, but I never feel like my mom loves one more than another, and same with my dad.”
“Aren’t you lucky with your perfect family.” I can’t help my snarky comment.
A sigh leaves her. “Are you trying to start a fight? I’m not in the mood, Eli. I’m tired, and so are you. I know you’re frustrated about the game, and that’s why I was trying to leave it alone. But it’s like you’re picking on me, and I don’t like it.”
“I’m not picking on you,” I tell her, feeling like a dick. “I just—I’m under enormous amounts of pressure right now. The team, the games, my mom, my brother, all of it is getting to me, and I don’t think I’m handling it very well.”
She’s quiet, so I remain silent too. I’ve said my piece. There’s more I should admit, but is this the right time to lay it all out?
I guess it’s either now or I stretch it out longer and make it harder for me to leave her alone.
Keeping my distance from her will only be for a short period of time. No big deal in the long run. Though damn, I did just get her back in my life…
“I know you’re under a lot of pressure,” she finally says, her voice small. “I just want to help you, Eli. In any way I can. I’m not in school right now, so if you need me to help your mom out, I can totally do it.”
I want to take her up on it. I desperately need her support, and of course, I want to be there for her and support her as much as I can too.
But I can’t right now. Later.
After the football season.
Yeah, we’ll be good after that. Everything will come together like it’s supposed to.
“Here’s the weird thing,” I start, hating how nervous I sound. She can sense it too. I can tell by the odd way she’s currently looking at me. “Feels like when we uh, have sex, I play terrible. The time we hooked up in my car? I played like shit during practice and everyone noticed. My teammates, the coaches. They put the second string in and he did great.”
“I heard about that,” she admits.
“You did?” I’m shocked.
She nods. “Gracie mentioned it. Caleb must’ve told her.”
I’m quiet for a moment. Maybe she’ll be more understanding since she already knows I’m having an issue.
“It happened again today. We have sex and my concentration is for shit. I can’t throw a ball to save my damn life and I lost the game.”
Now we’re both quiet, but I can feel her gaze on me. Assessing. Questioning.
“What are you trying to say?”
I clear my throat, searching for the right words, so this doesn’t sound completely shitty. “I’m wondering if we should—take a break for a little bit. See each other again during playoffs. Or even after playoffs. Like after the bowl game. If we get a bid for one.”
“What?”
She screeches the word, making me wince.
“It’s only for a couple more months, if that—”
“You’re talking until mid-December,” she says.
“Not that far off. It’s practically November. Come on, Princess.” My tone turns pleading. “We can make the sacrifice, right? This is our future we’re
talking about here.”
Ava bursts out laughing. “Oh, this is good. My God, can you even see what you’re doing to me right now?”
I know she’s so mad, I’m fucking grateful we’re getting closer to her house, that’s for damn sure.
“It’ll be tough. I’ll miss you like crazy, but it’s for the best for my future, babe. For our future. It’s like your pussy is made of magic or something and it zaps all my skills right out of me.”
“If I could hit you right now, I so would, Eli. You’re being ridiculous.” She’s shaking her head, her face crumpling.
Oh shit, like she’s going to cry.
“Baby.” I touch her thigh and she jerks away from my hand. “Come on. I was hoping you would understand. I’m doing this for us.”
“Like you understood when I told you about my chance to go to Spain for the summer? Like that? It’s only for a few months. A small sacrifice for my future. For our future. Those are words I said to you at some point and now you’re repeating the same shit to me about your football season, which is somehow getting fucked by us…fucking? What the hell?”
“Don’t say it like that,” I start, but she interrupts me.
“You can’t tell me what to say or how to think. If you could just see the irony of this situation right now, my God.” She shakes her head, her eyes watering. “I asked you to wait for me, and you wouldn’t.”
She says nothing for the rest of the drive to her house. And it’s at least another twenty minutes before we even get there. I want to speak, but every time I’m ready to say something, I snap my lips shut, second-guessing myself.
I’m sure my remaining quiet is for the best. I’ll just say something else that pisses her off and that’s the last thing I want to do, though I’ve already done it.
My girl is furious. I can tell. Steam should be coming from her ears. She’s crying too, which also breaks my heart. Angry crying. Every time a tear dares to leak from her eyes, she furiously wipes it away like she’s disgusted.
I did that to her, I remind myself. I’m the one who made her cry.
But then again, what else is new? I do that a lot lately.
Makes me feel like absolute garbage, too.
Finally, we’re in her neighborhood and she starts gathering her things, as if she’s going to jump out of my car before I’ve got it fully stopped. I watch in disbelief as she puts the American Eagle shopping bag in her lap, along with her purse. Her head is averted and she won’t look at me.
“Ava,” I say quietly, as I apply the brakes, not coming to a complete stop.
I’m afraid if I stop, she really will leap out of the car.
“What?” She turns to glare at me.
“Can’t you understand where I’m coming from?”
“No,” she spits out. “Because you never understood where I was coming from. I know it’s petty and childish to react this way, but damn it, Eli, you can’t work a double standard on me. You broke up with me for going to Spain for a couple of months because you believed I abandoned you. Now you want me to stay away from you for the rest of the season so you can keep your head in the game and not get distracted by my—vagina. It’s such a bunch of bullshit!”
I blink at her, surprised by the hostility in her tone. “I figured coming from a family of football players, you’d totally understand.”
“The football players I’m related to aren’t as emotionally driven as you are. My father knew how to separate the game from his personal life. So does Jake. Even my uncle Owen was good at that, though he’s probably the most emotional out of the three. The most like you,” she explains.
I always knew Owen Maguire was my own personal hero.
“This is different. This is temporary,” I stress. “All I want is to secure my chances to get into the draft. That’s it. I’m doing this for us, baby. For our future together.” I’m brave enough to pull in front of her house and throw the car into park. If she runs right now, I don’t know what I’ll do.
Or how we’ll ever come back from it.
She gapes at me. “It’s different yet exactly the same, and if you can’t see that, then I’ll never be able to explain it to you. You are so frustrating, Eli. Seriously. I love you. But if you need distance, fine. I’ll give it to you. I’ll give you all the distance you could ever want.”
Now it’s my turn to stare at her with my mouth hanging open. “What exactly do you mean?”
She shrugs. “Maybe we’ll end up together, maybe we won’t.”
“So what? That’s it? I ask for one favor, and you tell me there are no guarantees that you’ll stick around for me.” My heart aches, and I tell the son of a bitch to man up.
I can’t believe she’s saying this.
Ava hangs her head, staring at that goddamned shopping bag in her lap. “You still don’t get it.”
My anger sends me right over the edge. “What is there to get?” I roar, making her jump.
The tears flow down her cheeks and she doesn’t bother wiping them away this time. No, my girl lets them fall and she is the saddest I’ve ever seen her. Mad too, I can tell by that angry glow in her pretty eyes.
I am fucking everything up, when all I want to do is to fix this. Fix us and our future so I can guarantee her that I’ll always be there, taking care of her no matter what.
“You’re asking me to make sacrifices for you when you wouldn’t do it for me. How is that fair?”
“I’m only asking you for one thing—” I start but she shakes her head, the look on her face rendering me silent.
“And I only asked you for one thing too, but you couldn’t give it to me. Our relationship feels like a double standard and I’m tired of you trying to convince me to do what you want.” She taps her chest with her finger, a sob leaving her. “I’m choosing me, Eli. And when you’re ready to choose us for real, then talk to me. But until then, leave me alone.”
I don’t say anything, her words shocking me still. She’s so upset.
Again, all on me.
She starts digging in her purse, pulling out a small envelope and setting it on the dashboard. “That’s yours.”
“What is it?” I ask warily.
“Open it. Maybe it’ll give you the luck you’re looking for, for the rest of the season,” she says.
I grab the envelope and peek inside, shocked to see my old necklace with the number one pendant hanging from it.
Damn, I wondered where that went. It feels good to have it back, though my favorite place to see it was always around Ava’s neck.
Her giving my necklace back to me feels so…
Final.
“Go ahead and worry about your football season and your future and your career with the NFL. Clearly, I’m a burden, not an asset. So have fun by yourself, Eli. See you later.” She opens the door and starts to leave. I reach for her, my fingers slipping from her arm as she gets out of the car, taking that stupid shopping bag with her. She slams the door extra hard, the entire vehicle rattling with the force of it, and she storms down the walkway toward her parents’ house, never once looking back.
Look back, Princess, I think to myself as I clutch my old necklace in my hand, my gaze watching her as she grows smaller and smaller. If she looks back, we’ll be fine. And she’s going to look back. I know it.
I know her.
But she doesn’t.
Twenty-Eight
Ava
One month later
“You look pale.”
I stop in the open doorway of my bathroom and stare blankly at my sister, rubbing my fingers over my lips. I just brushed my teeth because my mouth tasted horrible, and I’ve been feeling gross all morning.
All week really.
I blame it on Thanksgiving coming up. While I like the holiday and love that my family always gets together for it every single year without fail, I’ve never been a huge fan of Thanksgiving food. Mom has been cooking up a storm with my Aunt Chelsea. She and Uncle Owen arrived yesterday morning along with
my cousins, and while it’s been fun to see everyone and hang out, I’m still sad.
I’ve been sad for almost a month now, and nothing anyone does for me changes my mood.
“Ava, what the hell is wrong with you?” Autumn asks me when I still haven’t said anything.
I shrug and enter my bedroom, throwing myself on my bed. “Nothing. I’m fine.”
“You’re lying.” She lies next to me, her gaze never leaving my face. “Are you even sleeping right now?”
“It’s all I do. Mom thinks I’m depressed.”
“She said the same thing to me,” Autumn admits, her worried gaze meeting mine. “She also said you won’t really talk, you don’t really eat and you barely leave your room. You don’t spend much time with your friends either.”
“They’re all busy with their boyfriends and their lives, while mine is on hold,” I say, my thoughts already focusing on the future. There’s been no word from Eli, which is no surprise. Not really. The longer I go without hearing from him, the easier it will be to leave.
San Diego beckons. I can’t wait to go back and I’m headed there early. Mom helped me line up an apartment and next month I finalize my school schedule.
I’m desperate to get out of here.
“Your life isn’t on hold,” Autumn whispers, reaching out to take my hand in hers. “You could still be enjoying your time here, hanging out with Beck and Mom and Dad. Or your friends. They’re never too busy for you, and you know it.”
“Says the woman who’s living her best life with her NFL playing fiancé,” I say, sounding like a spiteful old hag. “Traveling everywhere with him, having a great time and being with the man you love. Supporting him because he supports you just as much.”
“I don’t know about that,” she says with a little laugh. “Right now our lives are all about Asher Davis, NFL quarterback.”
I bet he still supports her more than Eli could ever support me.
The Senior (College Years Book 4) Page 23