I have to return to Crimson.
Chapter 20
After a few more days of moping and staring at the peeling paint on the ceiling, I renounce the sanctuary of my apartment and make an appearance in public. Much to my chagrin, daily life has gone relatively unchanged. My world was flipped upside down, like a bucket of sand at the beach, discarding pieces of me into a pile of dust, and I’d naively expected that the drama would have extended to the other residents here. Sadly, they have been going about their days, enjoying their happy lives, sending me the occasional sidelong glances. Only Marcus, Evie, and I have felt any change.
The week drags by endlessly. Lana has been oddly supportive and friendly to me at the preschool. I guess she feels sorry for me. I never thought she could be capable of compassion. Evie sometimes gets upset that Marcus is not around. She misses him. I haven’t seen him myself. He never even came home to pick up his things. It’s almost as if he’s purposely adjusted his schedule to be furthest away from me at all times. I feel so empty without him.
I’ve seen Glenn a few times over the past couple weeks. Each time gets a little easier, but I still want to scratch his other eye out for what he did to Drake. I know he’s sorry—he says it every time he sees me. It’s just so hard to forgive him after how much he’s hurt me and the people I love. Timber’s been taking care of me when she can. I’ve lost a few pounds because I still can’t eat very much without my stomach turning back flips.
Timber’s been begging me to go to The Snake Hole with her, but I don’t want to leave my room. Every night she comes by, trying to lure me out of my little hole in the wall. I don’t want to be around all those people. The same people who watched me fall apart after Glenn revealed my infidelity. And I don’t want to see others dancing happily and having fun. I want everyone to be just as heartbroken and miserable as I am.
“Please Pollen,” Timber pleads. “You’ve got to come out and live your life.”
“I don’t want to live my life. I want to curl up into a ball and die.”
“You’ve been trying to do that for a week. Obviously that’s not working for you. Come on. I won’t take no for an answer.”
Timber opens the bureau drawer, pulls out a cute mint green tank top and a black skirt, and tosses them on the bed.
“Get dressed.”
Before I can object she tells Evie that she’ll be going to daycare for a few hours. Evie jumps up and down like a pogo stick. I don’t like the idea of sending her there, but forcing her to stay with ‘grumpy Auntie Pollen’ is starting to bring her down. I suppose I should let her go—she enjoys being around the other kids. And I do need to get out. Holing myself up here is just prolonging the devastation.
Down at The Snake Hole the music is blaring and conversations are screaming. The noise pollution is making me almost as sick as food does. I convince Timber to let us sit on the outer edge of the bar, furthest away from the speakers.
With my sparkling water and lime in hand I peer around the room, looking for Marcus. I really miss him, but in a way I’m scared to face him. Not seeing him for so I long I can’t gauge what his feelings are toward me right now.
“Stop looking,” Timber says.
“I wasn’t,” I lie. “I was just seeing if there’s anyone else I know here.”
“I know who you are looking for and don’t. Trust me. You need to give him some more time. He’s not ready yet.” I turn back to Timber, discerning.
“Have you seen him?” I ask. She reluctantly nods.
“How is he?”
Timber stirs her straw around in her drink as she struggles with finding the right words to answer.
“He’s . . . keeping busy.”
“What, working?”
“Yes,” Timber replies in one extended syllable. I sense there’s some deeper meaning to that single word. Sometimes she can be so easy to read when she’s lying. I suppose that’s why she doesn’t like to lie.
“What else?”
Timber sighs deeply. “He’s been training a lot—with Granby.” No wonder she didn’t want to tell me. Timber knows I didn’t want Marcus to join the militia. It was one of the very few arguments we had before the incident with Glenn. I was so worried something would happen to him. Now he’s gone and done it. Did he really want to or is he just being defiant so he can throw it in my face?
Suddenly, my eyes are drawn up by some magnetic force across the room. It’s as if they are being tugged and no matter how much I struggle, there’s no resistance. All I see are those piercing sapphire eyes, looking dead and unfeeling at me.
“Marcus,” I whisper. I charge across the dance floor before Timber can react to stop me. Arms flail and legs kick me as I squeeze and coil my way through the crowd of partiers. I’m not one for dancing—I come from the two-left-feet variety. I never really understood the pleasure people gain from it. I feel the dirty looks burning holes into me, though I look straight ahead, as if I don’t notice.
By the time I reach the other side of the lounge, Marcus has disappeared. I spin around and twist back again, scrutinizing every face under the dim scarlet and gold hued lights. He couldn’t have left already. I trace the perimeter and finally my gaze meets his again. He is leaning back against a wall in a shadowed corner holding a beer bottle down by his side. Nicron stands close by, looking warily at me.
Marcus speaks no words, yet he tells me to go away. His face mirrors the expression he gave me that last time I saw him, after the wedding. For a moment I consider a dashing escape to protect my fragile ego from being crushed again. But I can’t pull myself away from him. I need him. I approach cautiously, and Nicron steps forward to greet me.
“Pollen, you should go,” he says.
“I need to speak to Marcus.”
“He doesn’t want to talk to you. Just go home and take care of yourself.”
“No,” I say, shoving him out of the way. Nicron doesn’t put up a fight. He steps away, giving us some privacy as I step closer to Marcus.
“Marcus,” I utter, not quite loud enough to carry over the pounding bass. Marcus simply shakes his head at me, taking a long swig of beer.
“Marcus, I miss you,” I say, slightly louder.
“Don’t,” he barks. Under the red-hued lights, his furrowed brow and scowl resemble a devil from hell. He frightens me, and yet, I can’t leave.
“Please give me a chance to talk,” I plead, tears beginning to fill my lower eyelids. Marcus tips his head back, chugging the rest of his beer in one shot.
“I have to go,” he snarls. He drops the bottle to the floor where it shatters into a mass of dark brown specks and pushes by me as he disappears into the dancing mob.
I collapse into a chair at the empty table next to me and bury my face into my clammy hands. My shoulders quake as I vainly attempt to stifle my cries. I should have listened to Timber. He doesn’t even want to see me. I understand how badly I hurt him, but has he grown so cold and completely devoid of emotion?
A hand drops on my shoulder and awakens me from my whimpering. A drunk woman has used me as a crutch but tries to play it off as compassion.
“Are you okay sweetie?” she shouts, shooting spittle at my face. Her alcohol-laced breath causes my stomach to clench into a knot. I flash her an artificial smile and nod. One good thing about the lighting at The Snake Hole; it’s too dark to decipher tears from sweat.
I’m about to return to my cocoon of melancholy when I see someone has already sat down at the table with me. I swiftly wipe my cheeks and raise my head to meet Glenn’s gaze. He’s brought two glasses of clear bubbly liquid with a wedge of lime in each. He pushes one to me. I sniff it first to make sure it’s not alcoholic and then let the icy liquid roll over my lips.
“Timber said this is what you were drinking,” he says, projecting his voice over the drumming music. I narrow my eyes at the glass resting between his fingers.
“Sparkling water,” he shouts. I continue to stare incredulously at him. Glenn never drink
s water in an establishment that serves alcohol. “Don’t believe me? Here, I’ll trade you.” He slides the glass to me and I reluctantly draw it to my mouth, taking a tiny sip. He is drinking water. The look on my face can’t hide the shock I’m feeling. Glenn has always been the first to crack open the contents of a liquor cabinet.
“When did you stop drinking?” I ask, noting that if I weren’t pregnant I’d have died of alcohol poisoning by now.
“The day after . . .” he voice drifts off. I raise my eyebrows and tilt my head slightly. “Well, you saw me the last time I drank.”
“Oh,” I murmur in quiet awareness. Glenn has pulled some stupid stunts in the past under the influence. Once he toilet-papered a police officer’s house for giving him a ticket. Another time he drove a backhoe off a construction site and parked it at a donut shop. He actually got caught and arrested for that one—his father bailed him out. The day he was released from jail, he was back to the bottle. Even that couldn’t convince him to quit drinking.
But here he is now, clean and sober. Is he doing this for me? Trying to win me back? If that’s the case I need to make it perfectly clear that we are not getting back together. I’m still in love with Marcus and I’m not ready to give up on him yet.
“Why are you here?” I ask. If he’s not drinking and he’s not with anyone else then he’s obviously here for me. Maybe he’s been following me. That’s disturbing.
“I just wanted to check this place out. It wasn’t here before I was ousted.” Glenn sips his water, taking in a large ice cube with it. “Plus a coworker called me and said he saw you here. I wanted to see how you were. I’m glad you’re getting out now.”
“Timber dragged me here,” I whine. “I was okay, until I saw Marcus. He still won’t speak to me.”
Glenn looks down dejected.
“Pollen, do you want me to take you home?” It’s almost like he read my mind. I’ve wanted to go home since before I arrived. I nod, eagerly.
Outside the club I can still hear the thumping bass all the way to the elevator. The corridors are nearly empty. There’s only an inebriated couple leaning against the wall, trying to swallow each other from the inside out. Glenn’s fumbling hands tell me that he wants to either hold my hand or my waist or shoulder, but he’s being the unlikely gentleman, maintaining his distance. Maybe I don’t have to set boundaries after all.
We step into the empty elevator. When he’s certain we’re alone, he finally speaks.
“Pollen, I’m going to be honest with you.” Oh no. “I’m still madly in love with you.”
Glenn gazes down at me, smoldering. Oh god, no. Not in the elevator. There’s no escape for me here! I avert my eyes to cool down the atmosphere.
“I know you don’t return my feelings after all the shit I’ve done. And I know your feelings lie with Marcus.” Phew, at least we’re clear on that. “Fact is, I care about you and I don’t like seeing you like this. I know we’ve had our share of problems. I want you to know I’ve changed. I’m not the selfish jerk I used to be. And it’s all because of you. This is one thing you really can blame yourself for.”
What am I supposed to say to that? First he declares his love for me and then acknowledges my feelings for Marcus. Now he’s giving me credit for something I had nothing to do with. What game is he playing?
“Glenn I didn’t do anything,” I whisper.
“No, you didn’t. But I changed because I didn’t want you to see me as the monster I was. I wanted to be worthy of you. I know now that I will never be worthy of your love. But maybe I can still have your friendship?”
“Oh Glenn, who am I to say who’s worthy of what? I’ve done my fair share of deplorable acts. We all have. I don’t know whether you are worthy or not. But I will accept your friendship if you accept that I can’t be with you that way again.”
Glenn wears a pained smile.
“That’s more than I deserve,” Glenn says, satisfied. There’s a sparkle in his eye. He really has changed and I can see it now. I should be feeling lost and abandoned after seeing Marcus tonight, but instead I feel strangely at peace. Is it Glenn? Is he making me feel this way?
When the elevator stops, Glenn continues to walk me all the way to my apartment, stopping at the door.
“Pollen, I hope this isn’t asking too much—”
Glenn looks down, reluctant to speak his mind.
“What is it?”
“Can I give you a hug?”
“You’re asking me if you can give me a hug?” A smile creeps onto my face. I’m flummoxed by his request. This definitely isn’t the straightforward, no holds barred Glenn I know from my past. The old Glenn wouldn’t even give me the opportunity to push him away.
“I just don’t want to cross the line,” he affirms. His single eye softens.
“Of course,” I say.
Glenn curls his arms around my shoulders as I lean in and rest my head against the valley of his chest. I stand there in the comfort of his embrace longer than I had anticipated. The warmth and the gentleness of his body feels so good, I’m almost tempted to invite him in. But that might give him the wrong impression. Plus, Evie—
“Evie!” I shoot back out of his arms in a panic. “I forgot about Evie!”
“Shh. Where is she?” Glenn asks, his hands still resting on my shoulders.
“We took her to the daycare before we went to The Snake Hole. I can’t believe I forgot.” After all these months of never letting her leave my sight because I didn’t trust anyone; now I’m the one that can’t be trusted. I’m the one who forgot her. How could I be any more irresponsible? And now I’m having a baby of my own?
“I’ll go get her and bring her back, okay? You go inside and rest,” Glenn says.
“You can’t. Only authorized guardians can pick up the kids. Your name isn’t on the list.”
“I’ll walk with you,” Glenn says.
Initially I think to object. But I’m enjoying his company too much to let him go so soon. I’ll get rid of him after I get Evie.
The daycare is only one floor down from us, so we skip the elevator and take the stairs.
“Are Evie and Marcus close?” Glenn asks curiously.
“Yes, very. He’s like a father to her,” I say. Then I remember that Evie’s real father is alive and in that dungeon at Crimson. My heart sinks. I still haven’t thought up a decent plan to break into Crimson and get him out, but I’m determined to figure something out. After all, I have escaped twice.
“So how is she reacting to him being gone?”
“She’s upset, but taking it well for a kid her age I guess. She misses him.”
We round the corner and approach the window-lined wall of the daycare center. I screech to a halt, pressing my palms up to the glass, gaping inside. Glenn continues walking but turns back when he sees me frozen to the spot.
In the daycare center, Marcus sits on the floor and helps Evie put together a puzzle. He’s actually grinning, something I thought he’d forgotten how to do. His smile is sad. It breaks my heart to think of how he must feel—losing Evie and the baby he thought was his. Suddenly that magnetic radiation begins to surface and his eyes rise to meet mine. The smile folds into a grimace and suddenly I’m aware that Glenn is standing right next to me.
Chapter 21
“Glenn, you have to go. Now.”
“I’m in room forty-seven on level J if you need me,” he says with quiet deliberation. I nod and he wheels around, disappearing into the stairwell.
I turn back to the window. Marcus is whispering to Evie. Then she clings to him as he stands up. He tries to peel her hands away, but every time he does, she hurls herself back at him like a yoyo.
Walking into the daycare lobby I barely notice the other kids reading books and playing with toys on the floor. As I close in on Marcus and Evie, a glint of light reflects off of Marcus’s cheek. A tear. Was it Evie’s reaction? Seeing me? Or maybe both?
“Evie, it’s time to go sweetie,” I say, tryi
ng to sound calm and masking the pain of seeing Marcus in my broken voice.
Evie doesn’t even look at me.
“Come home, Marcus. Please,” she cries. Marcus unwinds her hands from around his legs and squats down so that he’s eye level with her.
“I wish I could Evie,” he says quietly. The pain in his voice rips yet another hole in my shattered heart. “But right now I need to spend some time on my own.”
“But I want you to come back. I miss you.”
“I miss you too, darling. We’ll still see each other. I promise. Now you take good care of your auntie, okay?” He kisses her forehead. I’m taken aback. He actually acknowledged me, and not in a detestable way. I’m not nothing after all. It’s a positive step in the right direction, even if he won’t acknowledge me. At least I’m still human, I hope.
Marcus stands and combs his fingers through his mussed up hair. He looks at me briefly before charging past. There was something different in his eyes tonight. Not so much anger, but pain—immense, torturous pain. I twist to watch him leave and as he does, he hangs his head low, rubbing his face with the back of his forearm.
Evie sits on the floor with her arms and legs crossed, scowling at me. She reminds me of a glowering gargoyle garden statue—stiff and indignant.
“Evie.” I crouch down to meet her gaze. “I know you’re upset. But let’s talk about this at home, okay?”
“I don’t want to go home,” she pouts. “I want to go with Marcus.”
“I know. But Marcus has to live somewhere else for right now.”
“Why?” Another piece of my heart chips away. How can I tell her that he left because of me? She’ll hate me. The ferocity of the four-year-old that means the world to me is not something I think I can cope with right now. But I can’t lie to her either. That’s not how I want to raise her.
“Marcus and I had an argument. He needs to be away from us for a little while.”
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