“Glenn,” I whine, shaking my head. He laughs at my demeanor.
“What?” I demand.
“What did you think I was going to ask you for? Sex?” He laughs again.
I toss a pillow at his face, but his amusement continues.
“Well, what do you want?”
“Come with me,” he says as he takes my hand and lifts me up from the side of my bed. Before we leave, he takes the blanket from my bed and tosses it over his shoulder.
“What’s that for?” I ask.
“You’ll see.” His devilish smirk brings a smile to my face.
Glenn leads me down the corridors and up several flights of stairs.
“Why don’t we just take the elevator?” I ask.
“Because we can’t.”
“Why?”
He pauses to gather his words.
“This way is more discreet.”
The stairs end at the top level of the underground facility. Glenn opens the door and drags me down through the maze of corridors again. I have no idea where we are going. How can he become so familiar with this place so quickly? I barely even know how to traverse my own floor.
We approach a door at the end of the corridor where a Watcher stands guard. Glenn slips something into his hand, and he unbolts the door, allowing us to enter the staircase to the upper level.
As we ascend the stairs, I hold back, afraid to go any further.
“What’s wrong?” Glenn asks, turning back to me.
“We can’t go up there, Glenn. It’s too hot.”
“It’s dusk, Polly. And summer’s almost over. It’s only about ninety-eight degrees. Don’t you want to get some fresh air?”
I nod reluctantly. Fresh air is exactly what I need. It’s bad enough to be caged underground all summer, but to have to endure the angry scowls from Marcus and the desperate loneliness is just asphyxiating.
As we burst through the doors that lead outside, I am overcome with the sweltering heat. True, it’s not as bad as I had expected, but it’s still too hot for comfortable living.
Glenn lays the blanket out on the hill next to Ceborec and sits down behind me so that I can lean back against him comfortably—my belly is getting larger and finding a comfortable position to sit in is getting more difficult.
“Polly, do you remember the day we met?”
My mind drifts back to my mid-teenage years. My friend, Kendra, and I went to the Liberation Day bonfire at Macville Park in my hometown of Endmore. It was the first time my parents let me go without them. I had just turned fifteen. Kendra knew some of the kids from the senior class, so we hung out with them. Glenn was among them. He couldn’t take his eyes off me all night.
“Of course I do,” I reply.
“Back then, I was young, immature, stupid. A bully.”
“Yes, you were,” I smiled. He used to get into a lot of trouble in those days. Without Glenn’s mother, his father did the best he could raising Glenn, but sorely neglected him. Glenn channeled his anger and frustration in negative ways: starting fights, skipping school and picking on weaker kids. But his behavior improved after we began to date.
“I got one thing right that night.”
“What?”
“I fell in love with you.”
My body stiffens. I still don’t know how to respond to that. I love him dearly, but Marcus—
No. Marcus doesn’t want me anymore. He’s made that abundantly clear. Maybe I should move on. Although it feels more like a regression with Glenn.
“You don’t have to return my feelings, Pollen.” My muscles loosen. “I just want you to know that I’ll always be here for you. No matter what.”
I turn around, shifting my body between his legs to face him.
“I love you too, Glenn. But it can never be the way it was.”
“I know,” he says, curling his lips up at one side.
He clasps my hand, weaving his fingers between mine and then kisses me gently on the forehead. Sparks rush down my spine and I lean in closer, gazing into his eye. I don’t want this to happen and yet, simultaneously, I do. Maybe it’s loneliness, lack of affection. I want to kiss him. No. I want to kiss Marcus. But Marcus isn’t here.
Glenn’s other hand wraps around the side of my head, holding it in place but not pulling. I lean my face in further, closing my eyes as my lips approach his. I think about the early days with Marcus after we had lost our memories of each other, and how he pushed me away because I was vulnerable. Glenn does not do that. He takes the opportunity presented to him and kisses me back. Here we remain, holding each other under the hazy crimson moonlight, until it’s time for Evie to return.
When we arrive back at the apartment I’m stunned to see Nicron standing with Evie outside the door. What, Marcus couldn’t bring her himself?
“Hi, Pollen,” Nicron says sadly, eying Glenn suspiciously.
“Hey, Nicron. Where’s Marcus?’
“He asked me to bring Evie back.”
“Of course,” I reply, rolling my eyes. “Thanks.”
Nicron gives a quick nod and descends the corridor.
“Well, let’s get to bed, shall we?” I say to Evie as I open the door. I take her inside and help her change into her pink pajamas. Glenn hovers in the doorway.
“I guess I should be heading home. Good night Pollen.”
“Wait!” I call out. I tuck Evie into bed and kiss her goodnight, then nervously approach the doorway, where Glenn is leaning patiently.
That kiss did something strange to me tonight. It reminded me of Marcus and all those nights I spent with him that I took for granted. I hate being alone.
“I don’t want you to go,” I whisper. I can’t seem to look him in the eye. He tips my chin up with his finger, forcing my eyes to meet his.
“I’ve got to train in the morning, Pollen. I need to get some rest. And you do too.”
“Stay with me tonight. Please?”
Glenn cocks his head to the side curiously.
“You want me to sleep with you?”
“Yes . . . No! I mean, I want you to spend the night. Just sleep though, nothing else.” I hope that my intentions are clear, but his chuckle indicates that he understands.
“Okay, Polly. But I have to get up early.”
Glenn lies behind me in the double bed I used to share with Marcus. It feels like I’m betraying him further by allowing Glenn to sleep here. But Glenn wraps his arm around me and as I drift off to sleep I pretend it is Marcus. And all feels right with the world.
* * *
Tomorrow morning the soldiers are setting off on their mission. Today will be my last chance to speak to him before he leaves. Maybe even forever. I’m determined to make him listen.
I’ve been hounding Glenn for details of the mission for weeks. He’s refused to tell me because it’s classified, and because he doesn’t want to risk being banished again. But every now and then I manage to eke out little bits and pieces from him. I think I’ve figured out the gist of the plan.
They are going to travel above ground and attack Crimson on Liberation Day, three days from today, to catch the Enforcers by surprise. While they are attacking from the outside, three specialized groups will enter from the Web. I’m not sure how they intend to get through security measures, but of course they’ve got some kind of feasible plan in place. One group will steal the plans, another will plant bombs on the shuttle which will be set to detonate after they leave, and the third will break into the greenhouses and release an infinity fly, which will wreak havoc on their food supply. Glenn has assured me that he is in one of these three groups and that he will break out Drake and bring him back. I wish I could go myself. But there’s no use in wishful thinking.
I stand under the steaming shower, gently circling my soapy hand over my ballooning belly. The reality of pregnancy still hasn’t quite hit me despite my bulging midsection. I know I’m pregnant. I can see the physical evidence of it. I think I can even feel him moving sometimes. But I haven’t made the emo
tional connection since Marcus left me. Sometimes it just feels like a dream that I’ll eventually wake from.
I don’t want this child to be born. I know that sounds hideous. Maybe part of me wanted to join the militia so that something would happen to make me lose the baby. I can’t bear the thought of giving birth and falling in love with this child, only to lose him like I did Lex. I’m not ready to be a mother again. I can barely handle taking care of Evie on my own. How am I going to care for a newborn? And to have that constant reminder of my affair with Glenn, I don’t know if I could love that child the way a mother should.
I finish rinsing off and twist a towel around me before gazing at my image in the foggy mirror. I wipe the condensation away with a dry washcloth and stare at the remnants of the scar on my face as the condensation slowly reforms, fogging the mirror again. If only the scars inside me were so visible.
I’ve laid out a flowy white skirt with an elastic waistband, and a silk chartreuse sleeveless top that covers up my belly nicely. By the time I finish dressing the mirror has cleared and I return to primp my hair and face. I want to look my best today.
Evie is also dressed in her favorite, a white chiffon dress with pink sash, and a pink hat with silk flowers in the front. Together we head down to the assembly hall, where they are holding the sending off ceremony for the soldiers.
The hall is crowded, as I’d expected. The soldiers are all dressed in a lightweight green and gray camouflage getup. Despite the breathable fabric, they are sure to roast when they go outdoors tomorrow. The temperature has dropped to tolerable levels for bathing suits and tanks, but not full uniform.
I peer around the room trying to find Marcus or Glenn, but there are so many people obstructing my view. I resign to just meander through the crevices betweens the small clusters of friends saying their goodbyes.
Up ahead, I spot Timber’s ashen hair. She hugs a tall soldier with very short blond hair. I don’t recognize him from here. Timber initially joined the militia, but decided to stay behind to keep me company and help take care of me and Evie. A short distance away is Jansen, who also joined the militia, shaking friendly hands with an older, gray-haired man. I think he’s Jansen’s boss at the factory.
“Pollen,” Jansen says in his soft angelic voice. I reach over and give him a one-armed hug, while still holding Evie’s hand.
“You take care of yourself, Jan,” I say, releasing him.
“And you take care of yourself.” He emphasizes the last word as if he’s referring to the whole package: me, Evie, and the baby. I smile softly.
“I will.” I glance over at Timber who has just released her hold on the mysterious man. Only then do I recognize Yoric. Of course, who else would she be hugging like that? He looks so different with his hair buzzed off. So . . . grown up. Jansen walks me over to them.
“Be good, Yoric,” I say in a motherly tone. “And don’t screw up because you’ve got a good woman to come back to.”
Yoric laughs. “Yeah, I know,” he says rubbing the back of his neck nervously.
“Seriously, take care,” I say, wrapping one arm behind him.
“Thanks, Pollen, I will.”
“Have you seen Marcus yet?” Timber asks, interrupting our hug. I pull back and look around.
“No, I haven’t. Do you know where he is?”
“I saw him over there earlier,” she says, pointing toward the back corner of the assembly hall.
“Thanks. I’ll see you later Timber.”
I continue my journey into the labyrinth of smiles and tears, tugging Evie behind me. I wonder whether Marcus will even see me. He’s avoided me for the past couple months like I have some incurable communicable disease. I’m not sure how I will react if he won’t talk to me now. This mission is beyond dangerous. There’s a chance he may not come back alive. I couldn’t live with myself he’s killed in action.
A hand falls on my shoulder and I spin around hopefully. Glenn frowns, seeing the disappointment in my face, but I try to smile, weakly.
It’s not that I’m not happy to see him. Of course I am. But I’ve spent so much time with him recently, and after he spent the night last week, I made my peace with his leaving.
Glenn leans over and encases me in his bulky arms. He’s really worked himself into great shape these past few months. He’s lost his love handles and gained an eight-pack of steel. I’m sure the old me, the me that existed before the virus hit, would have swooned. He continues to embrace me tightly and his breath tickles my ear as he whispers into it.
“Get plenty of rest. And, please, don’t forget to eat.”
“I’ll be okay,” I say, pulling back. I look deeply into his eye. “Are you sure you have to do this?” The possibility of losing Marcus is bad enough, but Glenn has become a best friend to me recently. He’s the only person here who knew me before the virus, and since coming back he’s been my rock. I don’t think I could bear to lose both of them.
“Yes.” I reach back up and grab him again, squeezing him closer to me this time.
“I’ll miss you,” I whisper, barely containing the tears that threaten to break through.
“I’ll always love you, Pollen. No matter what.” Glenn squeezes his arms tighter, and then releases me. I try to keep my eyes down, to avoid looking at his face because I know it will make me cry, but he gently tugs at my chin, drawing my face up. His eye burns into mine. His gaze drops to my lips and I’m sure he’s about to kiss me, but he holds back. He knows I still don’t feel the same about him, despite what happened last week.
“I’ll bring back Drake. I promise.”
I bite the inside of my cheek. I don’t want to cry now. Not before I see Marcus.
“Thank you, Glenn,” I whisper, then rising on my toes, I lean in and chastely kiss his cheek. He returns the kiss on my forehead as I lower.
As Glenn squats down to say goodbye to Evie, my eyes lock on Marcus. No wonder I didn’t see him before. His hair has been cut short, just like Yoric’s, and he’s almost unrecognizable. He’s standing close to the double doors. There’s a woman with him—a brunette like me—who is a soldier also. She smiles shyly and plays with her freshly cropped hair as if she’s trying to twirl it around her fingers, but he doesn’t seem to notice how crazy she is about him. He flashes a friendly grin, but it’s the kiss she plants on him that sends a stinging pain of jealousy into my heart.
“We need to say goodbye to Marcus,” I say as Glenn stands back up.
“Of course,” he murmurs sadly.
“We’ll come back and see you off if we have time,” I say quickly. Unfortunately Glenn doesn’t have many friends here, what with him being banished and destroying my wedding. Everyone just sort of steers clear of him. It makes me sad to think Evie and I are the only connections he has here.
As soon as he is in her line of vision, Evie bolts toward Marcus.
“Marcus!” she screams, holding her arms out wide for a hug.
“Evie doll!” Marcus smiles as he picks her up and swirls her around, causing her to lose her hat in the process. I pick it up and stand back, giving them their moment. Finally he puts her down and our eyes lock. I guess I was expecting that angry fire, but it’s not there anymore. The look is more impassive, with a hint of sadness. He knows that this is his last chance to see me, to talk to me. He may not get another.
I had hoped when I appeared to Marcus the other woman would shove off and give us some privacy, but she just stands by and pretends not to pay attention, though it’s obvious she’s listening.
“Can we talk?” I ask apprehensively.
“Yes,” he nods.
“Somewhere else,” I whisper, eyeing the brunette. Although she’s looking away, she stiffens, a sure sign that she’s received the icy stare I’ve sent into the back of her head.
Marcus leads Evie and me out the double doors and into the corridor. I get a flashback of the last time we spoke here, right after the wedding. It sends a jolt of pain up my spine.
�
�Marcus . . .”
My mind goes blank. Oh great. Now is not the time to be speechless, Pollen. In lieu of words, I throw myself onto Marcus, releasing the tears that I’ve kept bottled up. I can feel my protruding belly press against his rocky abs and I wonder if it’s too much, if he’ll push me away. He hesitates, but finally rests his arms softly against my back.
“Please don’t go,” I cry.
“I have to,” he whispers.
“No. You don’t. Stay here. I’ll do anything, I swear.” I can’t believe that I’ve turned into a pitiful, sniveling crybaby, one of those pathetic schoolgirls whose life revolves around some boy. I was so fierce and self-secure when Marcus and I were together. But when he left me he ripped that part of me away.
Marcus pushes me back cautiously, keeping his hands on my shoulders to keep me from leaning back in on him. “This isn’t about you, Pollen. It isn’t about us. Not anymore.”
“I’m so sorry,” I sob. His eyes soften and his brows curl up. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“I know,” he says, his face rigid and wrinkled with emotional turmoil. I sense that he’s not fully over it, that he just wants me to have some resolution before he leaves, just in case he doesn’t come back.
“You’ve moved on,” I whisper knowingly, unable to look him in the eyes. He inhales sharply and leans his back against the wall, sighing.
“Pollen, I’ve done nothing but train for the past two months. I haven’t had time for a personal life. There’s nothing for me to move on to right now.”
“That woman was getting pretty friendly with you.” I say bitterly as I nod my head in the direction of the assembly hall.
“Kharma’s nobody. She’s on my squad.”
“She really likes you.”
“Is this what you really want to talk about?”
“No,” I mumble. We stand for a moment and it seems the silence grows louder than the racket coming from the assembly hall.
“I should go,” Marcus says, using his foot to propel his body away from the wall.
“No, wait.” I grab his arm just as he’s walking past me. “I need you to know, Marcus—I never stopped loving you. And I never will.”
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