by Sheila Kell
When she looked up, he gazed into her blue-green eyes and fell in love all over again with her compassion, warmth, and heart for the man he was. It reminded him of the first time he’d seen her on campus. It’d been at her freshman orientation at Ole Miss, and she’d been utterly lost. After meeting her look, he’d fallen under her spell and walked her to her classroom, not caring that he’d be late for his own.
Unable to resist, he leaned down and touched his lips to hers.
STARTING AT WHERE their lips met, pleasure exploded throughout her body. Gently, Matt’s warm, damp lips covered hers. His kiss—hesitant and careful, almost too careful—seared its way to her soul. And when his tongue entered her mouth, she was a goner.
As their lips and tongues tangled, she slid her arms up his body and around his neck, eagerly tugging him closer to remove the distance between them. She couldn’t get close enough, and that was so unlike the woman she’d become. Did she enjoy his touch and kiss because they’d once been lovers? One thing was for certain, she’d never allowed a date to kiss her with the heat of the kiss she found herself locked into now.
Her pulse raced in excitement. Without hesitation, she gave herself over to him. Their tongues battled and she felt almost limp with desire. Something she’d thought she’d lost and never find again. Matt’s touch wasn’t new, to her lips and her body.
His mouth left hers and then blazed a path down her chin and under her jawbone to the sensitive spot below her ear. She shivered under the assault on her senses. She’d forgotten how intense his kisses could be.
A moan slipped from her lips, and she wished she could call it back. She shouldn’t be loving him like she was. She’d pushed Matt from her life when she hadn’t even wanted to live. She’d blamed him when it wasn’t his fault. After all of that, he’d shown up to protect her when she needed it the most. Christ, her mind was so screwed up, and his passion-filled lips were the reason.
Her need for him tingled in her most private place, and she wanted to jump for joy at the feeling she thought she’d lost. When he pulled her close, his hands on her backside, she stiffened, but he took her lips with his and coaxed her relaxation into his touch.
Breaking the kiss that left them both breathing heavily, Matt leaned his forehead to her. “Oh, Caitlyn, I want to make love to you.”
Before she could think, she whispered, “I want it too.” And she did. Her body yearned for the familiarity of his touch. She hadn’t been saving herself after the rape; she’d just been waiting for the right man to come along. Matt. It was always Matt. He’d been her first… her only outside of that bastard who’d touched her under threat of her life. But she wouldn’t allow that memory to resurface while she was with Matt like this.
Cautiously, as if he thought she might break, he clasped her hand and turned toward the hallway.
Her heart throbbed inside her chest, the sound reverberating in her ears, blocking out all noise and common sense. If he spoke to her as he led the way to her bedroom, she couldn’t make out what he said.
After he’d pulled her into her bedroom, he closed the door, hesitated for a moment, and then locked it, keeping everyone out. She appreciated that action, because she didn’t want an unwanted intruder, even if by accident.
Almost nervously, he came back to her, and before he reached out, he asked softly, “Are you sure?”
Was she? She surely wanted to feel the love she knew he could give. That had to mean yes. Didn’t it? Her mind lighted on the fact that people were all over her house. That didn’t make it feel very private, even with the door secured. With a worried look clouding his face, she decided she’d best answer with what she wanted, not her fears. “Yes.”
“Thank God,” he said on an exhale while relaxing his shoulders as if the weight of the world had been on them.
She smiled at that. It endeared him even more to her.
Next, Matt placed both of his hands on her face, cradling it, before he moved in, tilted her head, and kissed her until her toes curled. Almost literally curled.
He only broke the kiss long enough to remove their shirts. And his wicked grin touched her deep down before he kissed her again.
As he reached for her jeans, an unwanted flash entered her mind. That bastard had ripped her jeans down when he’d…. No! She closed her eyes tight to ward off the images. She had to forget it. In no way would she allow the memories to ruin what she had, or used to have, with Matt. She still loved him as much as she had when she’d first met him at Ole Miss.
Noticing her stiffening, Matt stopped his exploring hand and broke the kiss. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”
It almost sounded like he knew she hadn’t been able to live with another man’s touch. But how could he know?
“I’m fine.” To prove it, she took off her shoes, then stripped the rest of her clothes off and dropped them in a pile beside her, where her shirt had landed after Matt discarded it.
Before he finished undressing, he took a long moment to search her eyes. When Matt dropped his pants, she got a good look at his prosthetic leg. Her heart broke for his losing part of a limb. Then her breath hitched as he dropped his underwear and his huge erection popped forward.
She gulped. She could do this, not only because she wanted it, but to prove she could. It was to prove her life hadn’t been ruined.
A very naked Matt closed the short distance between them and reached a hand out to touch her breast.
Even though the amazing sensation increased the burning need between her thighs, she unconsciously stiffened.
Matt halted and frowned. “Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.”
Her heart plummeted to her stomach. It was a damn good idea. “I’m sorry. I’m fine. That felt incredible.”
Believing her, or just pretending to, he raised both hands and placed them on her breasts. He also leaned down and kissed her like there was no tomorrow, pulling her mind away from his touch to the gloriousness of his kiss.
The movement of his lips relaxed her, keeping her from freaking out at his sensual touch. He slowly backed her to the bed, and she obligingly crawled to the center, a little self-conscious of her naked body on display. It had been a long time since they’d been naked together and she’d changed some. Had he noticed? If so, it didn’t seem to stop his desire for her.
Instead of crawling up on top of her, he kissed the top of her foot, then moved to her calves. When he hit her thighs, she fought the urge to stop him. She won in keeping her body relaxed, wanting him.
Moving up her body, he kissed the top of her mound before moving to her stomach. Then his body was covering her.
Oh my God. No! She frantically pushed him off her, her lower body wiggling, trying to get free of the body covering part of her. His action made the memories of her attack raw enough that a flight mode descended over her body. She had to be free of him.
Immediately, Matt hopped off the bed without a word.
With erratic breathing, she curled into a ball and tried to apologize, but no words came forth. Terror ran through her veins, turning her into a useless piece of mush.
Matt ran his fingers through his short-cropped hair. “Hell, I’m sorry, Caitlyn.”
Why the hell was he apologizing? He’d done nothing wrong except make her desire him.
In an effort to recover from her embarrassment, she alighted from the bed and began to dress while Matt stood still as if a physical barrier separated them. “I’m sorry. I want this, but while I know it’s your hands, the feeling of that monster touching me comes back.”
“I think it’s incredibly brave of you to admit that, Caitlyn. Believe me, I’d never want you to feel that way again.”
“I fear—” She swallowed. “I fear it’ll be worse if you try to actually enter me.”
He softly swore. “I have an idea,” he said while she was twisting her bra around after clasping it. The same bra her shaking hands could barely fasten.
“What?” She pulled the straps over her shou
lders and settled her breasts in the cups. Couldn’t he put something on? Against her better judgment, her eyes sought out his erection.
“Now, don’t get mad,” he said and put his hands up to ward off her response.
That only put people on the defensive when someone said that. She stiffened at what he might say.
“I spoke to a psychiatrist a few months back.”
Did he have PTSD or something else he hid well? Why else would he seek out a mental health professional? He was damn near perfect as far as she could tell. Granted, they hadn’t been together—this time—for long. He could’ve changed and had deep, dark secrets she didn’t want to know.
“It’s okay, Matt. You don’t need to share what you spoke with someone about.”
His spellbinding gaze held her hostage. Standing there in her jeans and bra, she felt exposed, which she found odd because moments before, she reveled in the idea of their getting naked together.
“No. I think I should share, because it was about you.”
What the hell? That threw her for a loop.
“I blew off everything the doc advised me about when I started kissing you.” He walked to her and pulled her hand into his, intertwining their fingers. “Come here.” He tugged her toward the bed, but she remained frozen to the spot. He was still naked, and while she wanted him, she obviously couldn’t handle it.
“Trust me,” he beseeched her.
She shook her head. “I can’t. I just can’t do it.” It had already been humiliating enough the first time; now he wanted to try it again. What the hell was wrong with him?
He sighed and dropped her hand before walking the short distance to the bed and sprawling out across it. Reaching for her brass headboard, he grabbed a post with both of his hands, then he spoke. “My understanding was there might be a control issue and that you needed to be the one to dictate the levels we enjoy.”
Startled, something just occurred to her. “You said you did this months ago. How did you know we’d be seeing each other?”
He flashed a grin that made her want to get naked and join him. “I didn’t know, but I always like to be prepared.” He shrugged as best he could with his arms above his head.
So he’d planned to come find her no matter what. That must’ve been why he’d started spending time with her dad. Her heart expanded at the thought. Yet her fear of a man’s touch—apparently even Matt’s intimate touch—warred with her determination to defeat it, and at this moment, she wasn’t sure which emotion would win. She prayed she’d win the battle, but after what had just happened, it was too soon to say if her body would sway in her favor.
“So what the doc suggested is to allow you full control over how far we go or don’t go together. She gave more advice, but I gathered it all meant that I need to be submissive until you’re comfortable for more.” He smiled. “Of course, I could’ve misunderstood her completely. I never asked for clarification on that specific issue.”
Mildly shocked, she asked, “You? Submissive? I don’t see it.” In all the years of their lovemaking, he’d been the typical alpha male. Oh, he’d let her have some control now and again, but he’d never relaxed enough to be labeled “Submissive.”
“For you, Caitlyn, I’d be damn near anything.” He quickly went on to say, “You get to do the touching and decide what we will and won’t do. It’ll be damn hard not to touch you, but I’ll keep my hands to myself. This time,” he slyly added.
“So what I’m hearing is that you expected me to have trouble doing this?” She obviously had, but she didn’t like the idea that he planned for it. Although the fact that he did plan for it turned her into a puddle at his feet.
“I planned for several contingencies.” He winked at her. Winked, for Christ’s sake. “How about you join me on the bed now?”
She worried her lower lip with her teeth. How could she still allow what happened to her to dictate her life? Her love life? If she found she couldn’t do the act, would he leave her after she was safe? Whoa. When did she want him to stay after his job was completed?
The thing was, Caitlyn was still a little turned on with want for him. Maybe since him crawling on her brought her meltdown, her being on top of him, without his moving, she could do the act. Maybe. Of course, she wouldn’t know until she positioned herself near him on the bed. She had to trust he’d keep his hands wrapped around her headboard posts, because she didn’t have kinky things like rope and handcuffs. Those things always appeared in Brad’s bragging. She guessed she could make use of a bandana, but she doubted her tying skills. Either the knot would fly open if he moved his wrists or it’d have to be cut off his person.
Hesitantly she stepped to the bed and sat on the edge ever so gently as if it would explode if she sat wrong. She kept one foot grounded on the carpeted floor, just in case she needed to bolt.
“I promise I won’t touch, so you can come closer to me.”
The heat in his gaze almost mesmerized her, and thankfully it drew her to him. She took that step of lifting her foot from the floor, and power flooded her veins. It was a heady feeling.
Caitlyn scanned his naked body and gulped when she saw he still held an erection standing at attention. She couldn’t help but appreciate his finely shaped body. He’d expanded his chest and arms since she had last seen him naked in college. And, his leg, or lack thereof a full leg, still brought tears to her eyes at his loss.
“Caitlyn, if my leg bothers you, we can pull a sheet over it. But, know this, you’re going to have to get used to how I am.”
She turned and captured his gaze, the emotion there shooting an arrow in her heart. It sounded like he meant long term. But that couldn’t be, because she wasn’t leaving Helping Paws and he had a business back in Baltimore. Their lives were so different, and she didn’t imagine he’d give up his job, just like she wouldn’t hers. It was a hopeless, silly daydream that he’d bring all the joy and love back into her life and be with her forever.
She tried to smile but had a feeling it failed at convincing him she was okay. With her eyes still watery, she responded, “There’s nothing wrong with what I see. My heart just aches for what you endured.”
To forestall any conversation more on that topic, she tentatively reached her hand out and lightly touched his muscular chest. Matt stiffened for a moment when her fingers traced the outline of a round scar. A bullet wound? What had this man suffered during his time in the military?
When no feelings of the need to flee turned up, she slid her index finger across his upper torso, circling around his nipples. Matt had always been a bit sensitive there, and she’d always teased him during foreplay.
Normal. So far, things felt normal, as they had been before the rape. Except Matt never laid this still. That might take some getting used to, but in the interim, she’d take advantage.
Gliding her finger down, she circled the blazing sun around his belly button tattoo. She’d never been big on tattoos, but she loved this one on him. She was also surprised he didn’t have any from his days in the navy. Didn’t SEALs get big tattoos to show off? Then again, Matt never was a show-off. That was left to Brad.
She turned to his face and almost wanted to laugh. His eyes were closed tightly, and he had a near death-grip on the bars. Matt had always spoiled her when they’d been a couple, but he’d never gone to this extent to help her overcome her fears. She still couldn’t believe he’d gone so far as to ask for professional assistance so that he could help her. Love filled her heart at the thought.
It was little things like that that made her glad she’d chosen Matt when both he and Brad had asked her out. Behavior like this showed she’d chosen the right twin.
It took her a moment to realize Matt had opened his eyes and was looking straight at her, and her hand had slid to his hard-on. Some things just felt so natural to her, and she didn’t want to run while touching him. She held his gaze and rubbed her hand up and down his erection. She gauged the length and speed of her movements to the tighte
ning of his jaw and the fire burning in his eyes.
Connecting with him, she reveled in knowing she was enjoying a sexual act more than she had in eight years. And she didn’t feel panicked or afraid. Maybe it was because he wasn’t on top of her. But she wanted him on top of her, driving his erection to her core, but not yet. It was too much too soon.
When he groaned, she grinned in delight, pride encouraging her to keep going. She was doing that to him, making him enjoy the sensations instead of him being the one to do the pleasing. Since it was her turn to pleasure, she turned from his sizzling gaze to look at his erection in her hand. She slid down the bed and bent over his crotch, her hair whispering over his body. She could do this. She would do this. She’d give her best and fight any demons that tried to ruin it for them.
Another groan sounded, and she thought he might have a tough time living up to the rules in a minute or two.
To tease and please, she slowly licked his length underneath, making sure she circled her tongue on the tip, licking up his precum.
“Dammit, Caitlyn,” he rasped through heavy breaths.
She ignored him and took his erection in her mouth to the back of her throat.
His pelvis lifted to bring them closer, which brought him deeper. She adjusted to accept more of him. For the next few minutes, she moved her mouth and hand in a steady rhythm that seemed to agree with Matt. He groaned and cursed many times, so she knew she’d retained the knowledge on how to make love to him this way.
“Caitlyn, if you don’t stop, I’m going to come.”
Was he an idiot? That was her purpose. Maybe he worried it would frighten her. Besides, she didn’t desire to try anything else sexual. Not today anyway.
Reaching out to clasp his tight balls in her hand, she massaged the tender flesh and watched his breathing become erratic and his white knuckles grasp the headboard. It only took one more minute for her effort to pay off. When he came, she swallowed everything he gave and then licked the head clean.