I watched his back as he rose from his seat and walked away from me. Something deep inside screamed out. What am I doing? What point is there in a relationship where every step taken, every word spoken, has a fifty per cent chance of being misinterpreted?
Steve
Regrets
‘I can’t believe that last round. Luck of the devil.’ Simon claps my back. ‘Guess I’m buying the drinks. You’re certainly on good form, at least tell me you’ve been practising.’
‘No time, mate. If I’m not working, then I’m helping sort out Katie’s business venture.’
As our little group walk into the main clubhouse, Simon signals for the barman to line up the drinks.
‘Only one for me,’ I add, quickly. ‘Still taking the medication, so I’m going to be a lightweight.’
‘No pressure. I have to say, though, it’s great to see you looking so well these days. Is Katie having problems, then?’ Gary jumps in, dispelling any awkwardness.
‘She’s passionate about the business, but she thinks with her heart and not her head. I’ve had to invest a chunk of money so she can expand. Without it, I doubt she would have lasted another year.’
‘Mate, that’s bad news. Not what you wanted at this point in your life. After the past couple of years, you deserve to be enjoying some quality time without any worries.’ Simon raises his beer glass to begin the toast. ‘To good times to come!’
Everyone joins in.
‘It’s okay, nothing I can’t sort out, if she actually listens to me.’
A general grunt of agreement passes around the table.
‘That’s the problem, though, getting them to listen,’ Gary says. ‘Charlene keeps on about having another baby. She tells me her body clock is ticking. No matter what I say, she won’t let it go. I mean, man, two kids under three – we hardly get any time to ourselves, as it is. I needed this weekend jolly just to get away from the constant arguments. I mean discussions.’ Gary, dejectedly, sinks half his beer in one go.
Simon diplomatically changes the subject, shooting Gary a look. The guys still feel awkward talking about their kids in front of me, knowing that it’s no longer an option for Katie and me. I hate the fact that, no matter how much time has elapsed, my illness has changed some things forever. I look at my glass, tempted to sink it in one, but instead I join in the laughter as Simon tells another of his bawdy jokes.
Looking around the table, all I see is our once-young group of lads maturing into worried thirty year olds. All seem to be carrying the cares of the world on their shoulders. It’s all about working to pay the mortgage, and the credit cards; juggling complex relationships with partners, or wives, and kids. Where did all the fun times go?
Have I become the man I am because of my illness, and where would I be if it hadn’t happened to me? Where would my relationship with Katie be today if our lives hadn’t been put on hold? What if I’d listened to her and we’d had a baby before I became sick? Is Katie’s cake business a substitute for something I can no longer give her? I stalled over making the decision to have kids because I thought time was on our side. Suddenly it was too late, life events overtook us. It has become a regret that I have to live with, and the bitterness starts to rise as fast as I try to push it back down. It comes in waves, and then the anger follows. I join in with the laughter, although I’ve no idea at all what Simon has been saying.
No one can understand unless they’ve been through it themselves. What hurts the most is that I feel like a victim. I also feel that I’ve let Katie down, in more ways than one.
Gary hangs around until the end and we’re the last two in the bar. I’ve been restricting myself to soft drinks most of the evening and I’m totally sober, but on edge.
‘What’s up?’ The question is too direct to ignore without seeming rude.
‘How do I know? Sometimes I feel like my life is one big mess. I can’t recall when exactly it all began to go wrong, or why. Katie has stuck with me through all the hard times, and now I’m trying to pay her back by being frank about her business, she’s pushing me away.’
‘Heck, when it comes to giving advice about women, I’m the last person any sensible guy would ask. What I do know is that Katie is a catch, and without her support it would have been an even rougher journey for you these past few years. Don’t take this the wrong way, Steve, but there are times when you can be rather hard-headed. Katie has put her heart into that business, and when she finally opened the shop I think it was a long-overdue boost for her, on several levels. You know, after all the tough times, it was something that she could lose herself in. Try not to rain on her parade, even if you can see the faults.’
Gary’s words keep echoing around inside my head. Business is business, and pleasure is pleasure – surely even Katie can understand that? I wouldn’t have her best interests at heart if I let her wallow in a false sense of security and ignore the problems Sweet Occasions is facing. If she had just let me take care of her and turned her back on the dream that will become a nightmare if she isn’t careful, we wouldn’t be going through this now. I had plans for my nest egg and it was a much better proposition than a cake business. But it would have meant a lot of hands-on involvement and spells working away from home. I knew Katie wouldn’t be able to cope if she was left on her own for long periods of time. So the choice was easy because it’s important to me that I’m there for her. I’ve already robbed her of one dream and there’s no way I’m going to rob her of another. I’ll do everything I can to steer her in the right direction and hope that, gradually, she’ll let me get more involved. If she doesn’t then we both have a lot to lose, and it’s not just about the money.
Lily’s Birthday
Katie
A Bright New Day
As soon as I draw back the curtains it’s evident that it’s going to be one of those truly stunning, autumnal days. The sky is that particular shade of blue that seems almost unreal, a colour that no artist’s palate could ever do justice. Opening the window to welcome in the early morning breeze, the sound of birdsong is in sharp contrast to the usual sound of queuing traffic. Instead of the drone from idling car engines and tooting horns, the birdsong is deafening, if rather delightful. It does cross my mind that I must be mad driving all that way. I could so easily be in bed relaxing, with a leisurely day ahead of me. Instead I’m up with the lark, and sorting through my wardrobe for something vibrant to wear.
The drive takes longer than I thought, as I’d forgotten I’d be driving the small van. I could have taken my car, but the van is equipped with shelves and strapping to secure the cake boxes. The princess cake consists of three tiers. It’s virtually a mini wedding cake and that’s why the little girls love it so much. Adam said Lily’s favourite colours were pink and white, which worked well for the cascade of intricate icing on the frothy top layer of the princess’s gown. The figure stands about eighteen inches high. It’s made up of the head and shoulders, upper body, and the skirt of the ball gown. Around the base of the cake are Cinderella-style slippers, an evening bag, and a little white puppy. It’s the fairy tale of all cakes.
The van chugs along quite happily at fifty miles per hour, but speeding up makes for a bumpy ride. It’s a risk I don’t want to take. Driving on uneven road surfaces isn’t much fun, but the time goes quickly. Passing abundant fields, trees, and woodland scenery, I do feel happy and rather relaxed. I stop to make a quick call to Adam, alerting him that I’m on my way, just running a little late. It doesn’t seem to faze him at all. In fact, given the pounding beat of some rather loud music radiating out from the phone, in contrast his voice sounds rather calm.
The satnav takes me straight to the door, as easily as if I’ve been here before. The Beeches has a long front garden. It appears to sit on quite a secluded plot, considering there are newer, executive homes either side. The garden is beautifully manicured and the borders are heaving with a whole variety of colourful shrubs. Someone is a keen gardener, that’s for sure, as this is a
real labour of love. I follow the charming stepping-stone path to the front door and knock twice, then walk back to the van to begin unloading. Adam’s voice calls out in the background.
‘Lily, your surprise is here.’
An excited Lily shrieks out as soon as she sees the logo on the side of the van. She appears at my elbow, bouncing around and straining to see if she can catch a glimpse inside the van. There’s little to see, except for a shelf of boxes.
‘You brought me a cake!’ she squeals, almost deafening me.
‘Sorry.’ Adam materialises and diplomatically guides Lily to step aside as I lift the largest box from the shelf. ‘Can I help?’
‘No, I’m fine, thanks. Just point me in the direction of the table.’
‘Thank you so much, Dad.’ Lily gives Adam a lopsided hug, her right arm sporting a fluorescent plaster cast. I’m sure she would have flung her good arm around me too, if my arms weren’t wrapped around the big cake box.
The house is a surprise. I don’t know what exactly I was expecting, but this is olde worlde charm personified. It looks like a former hunting lodge, and it’s a couple of hundred years old at least. The windows are new, but sit within the original stone mullions. The front door is solid oak. I have to duck a little as I cross the threshold.
‘Oh, I should have warned you about the door.’ Adam apologises over his shoulder as he guides me inside. The tiny entrance hall leads through into a cosy sitting room, which has a large, working fireplace. I follow him on through into a good-sized dining room. The pine table has been lovingly waxed and polished, the pungent smell filling my nostrils reminds me of an old country manor I once visited.
‘What a beautiful house.’ The comment escapes my lips before I can engage my brain and remind myself this is a customer, not some old friend.
‘Thank you, we love it here. It was the hunting lodge for Elkcombe Manor. Unfortunately, a lot of the surrounding land was sold off after my mother died, as the property was rented out for nearly ten years. Remarkably, my grandmother seemed to know I would want to come back here and make it my own home one day. There’s enough garden wrapped around the lodge, though, to maintain a sense of privacy.’
‘Can I show Katie my tree house?’ Lily’s eyes shine brightly at Adam as she hops from foot to foot, barely able to contain her excitement.
‘I think we should let Katie sort out the cake first, don’t you?’
‘Why is there more than one box?’ Lily asks, curiously.
‘It comes in sections and I’m going to put the pieces together. I have some very special tubes of coloured icing in the van. Assembling it will take me about ten minutes. Half an hour in situ and the cake will be ready for cutting. You can give me a hand if you like.’
Adam smiles at me over the top of Lily’s head. As I look up at him he’s suddenly distracted when a rather attractive woman approaches.
‘Bad news, I’m afraid.’ She chews her lip, obviously concerned about the potential reaction.
Adam spins on his heels to face her. I busy myself putting the box down on the table, and carefully easing off the lid. There’s a silver platter in the middle of the table, and I gently slide the lower tier of the cake out of the box, and onto it. Lily watches my every move, with a look of pure concentration on her face.
‘What’s happened?’ Adam sounds concerned. I try my best not to look as if I’m listening. I keep my head bent as I adjust the position of the first tier of the cake.
‘Perfectly Pretty have called to say someone has phoned in sick, so they can only send one person. With the best will in the world, she isn’t going to be able to attend to all the girls.’
As I look across at Lily her mouth falls open, and her little brow creases. Instinctively she cradles her arm.
‘Don’t worry, Lily,’ Adam jumps in to reassure her, ‘we’ll sort something out.’
‘I’ll help out in between arranging the buffet, but I’m useless with nails and I’ve never braided hair before.’ The woman is now standing very close to Adam. She glances across at me for the first time, as if I’ve suddenly appeared on the scene.
‘Sorry, this is Katie, from Sweet Occasions. Katie, this is my neighbour, Charlotte, who knows a heck of a lot more about arranging parties than I do. Her daughter, Emily, is Lily’s best friend.’
Charlotte and I shake hands. She gives me a warm smile as her eyes sweep over me. I feel slightly uncomfortable, as if I’ve interrupted something.
‘Dad, what are we going to do?’ Lily begins to get visibly upset. Her hands fly upwards, covering her cheeks. The bad arm is forgotten in the midst of this news. Clearly she regards this as a total disaster.
‘If you’re stuck I can help out.’ I wasn’t even aware I was speaking until the words are out there. Charlotte peers at me, as if she’s assessing my ability to be of use.
‘I couldn’t possibly …’ Adam begins, but Charlotte jumps in immediately.
‘I think that’s a great idea,’ she says, extending her hand to touch Adam’s arm. She gives it a gentle squeeze. ‘If Katie wants to help, that’s great.’
Adam frowns, his eyes darting back and forth between the two of us, then across at Lily. He looks like a rabbit trapped in the headlights of a car, and he isn’t sure what to do.
‘Katie’s had a long drive and I don’t think it would be fair to—’
‘Nonsense, Adam. Katie has generously offered, and with a dozen girls turning up in an hour’s time, I think it’s the perfect solution.’
There’s a moment’s silence, and Lily appears to be holding her breath. I feel obliged to say something.
‘I don’t mind, really. I’m in no rush to get back, as I’ve nothing at all planned for today.’
This is awkward. The silence weighs heavily in the room.
‘Please, Dad,’ Lily begs.
‘If you’re sure you don’t mind, Katie. It seems like yet another inconvenience, when you’ve already been good enough to travel all the way here.’ Our eyes make contact and a little nervous quiver registers on his face. He makes no attempt to look away and I’m conscious that we’re being watched.
‘It will be fun,’ I hear myself replying.
Fun? A dozen little girls? I must be crazy.
I make a final trip out to the van and then Adam and Charlotte head off into the kitchen, leaving me alone with Lily to assemble the cake. Moments later we are joined by Emily, who has clearly tired of trying to blow up the balloons.
‘This is Emily,’ Lily informs me. ‘She’s my best friend.’
‘Hello, Emily. You’re just in time to help as I have a very important job for you both. As soon as I’ve finished putting the princess together, there’s a small box over there with some little gifts that will need to be placed around the bottom of her gown. It would be great if you can work together, as Lily will need your help, Emily.’
‘These?’ Lily gently picks up the small box with her good arm. I nod.
‘Yes. But they have to be stuck onto the cake board with some very special icing. Emily, if you can grab the other box you can each choose a colour.’
Two heads peer into the box and after much deliberation, Lily chooses a tube of lilac icing and Emily chooses white.
‘I need to snip off the end of the nozzles first.’ Both girls hold out their respective tubes. As I make the cuts, icing begins to ooze out. They shriek with laughter and Emily instinctively places a finger under the dribble to catch the worm of sugary goo. Lily quickly lays her tube on the desk, so she can follow suit. The small matter of a plaster cast clearly isn’t going to stop her joining in the fun.
‘Mmm … yummy.’ Lily looks at Emily and rolls her eyes as they both lick their fingers clean. Two smiling faces wait, hands poised and ready for action.
‘Right. Let’s see. Okay, here’s the princess’s cat. Now we don’t want him to fall off, so I’m going to put a little bit of icing underneath and then place him here. You need to press down lightly and in a few minutes the ic
ing sugar will dry and glue him safely to the board.’
Two furrowed brows peer up at me.
‘Go on, choose something from the box and decide where you want it to go. Lily, you can put your icing sugar directly onto the board first, if that’s easier.’
‘I want the handbag!’ shouts Lily.
‘I choose the large box. I love presents. What are you getting for your birthday, Lily?’
I’m fascinated as they chatter away, clearly very comfortable in my company.
‘Disco lights and a karaoke machine, I hope. That’s if Dad gets it right, of course. Mum is taking me clothes shopping when she gets back. I’m going to ask her if I can get hair extensions. I bet she says no, though.’
Disco lights, hair extensions? I’d better re-think my cake range if at nine years of age their tastes are already changing. It seems there might be a gap between the Disney inspired cakes and the young teens range.
‘What’s the best present you’ve ever had?’ I ask, tentatively. Both girls look at me and speaking in unison.
‘My iPad.’ Is Lily’s answer.
‘My Kindle, but Mum is going to get me an iPad for my birthday. Lily has a keyboard with hers,’ adds Emily, clearly impressed and maybe a little envious by the sound of it.
The level of confidence and awareness these girls have today is in sharp contrast to when I was their age. I’m pretty sure I was still playing with dolls. They continue to chatter away, while I collapse the boxes and tidy up.
‘Mum always makes my cake and it never looks as good as this,’ Emily confides, lowering her voice slightly.
‘My mum usually makes mine, too. Last year I had a star cake. Don’t you remember? All the chocolate buttons slid down the sides because the icing was too wet.’
They both start to giggle.
‘Oh, yeah! We had to use spoons to scoop them up.’
Lily looks up at me, smiling. ‘Katie, I love your cakes. I hope Dad buys one for me every year.’
‘Don’t be silly,’ Emily jumps in. ‘Next year it will be your mum’s turn.’
The two girls exchange knowing glances. It’s a comment which surprises me and the sad reality is that even at this tender age there’s no escaping the harsh reality of life.
A Little Sugar, A Lot of Love: With cupcakes, coffee and karma Page 7