My coaxing falls on deaf ears, one look is enough to tell me the answer is no.
‘This is my home, Adam. This is where I have wonderful memories of Jack, our beautiful daughter, and you as a boy, visiting with us in the holidays. Then of your life here, through those times that tested us all. This is where I will end my days, God willing.’
Grandma withdraws her hand and as she passes the photos on the wall, she turns and smiles at each of them in turn. Her walk is still graceful, if rather slow, and purposeful. Her demeanour is proud and strong as she lowers herself gently into her favourite chair.
‘I hate it when you talk like that. I can’t bear the thought of not having you in our lives.’
‘My darling, darling Adam. There are things we need to discuss and we can’t avoid having this conversation any longer. My will, and papers, are all in the writing desk. You and Lily are the two beneficiaries. My solicitor, Stewart Falcon, is the executor. Stewart also has a copy of the will at his offices.’
I put up my hands, wanting her to stop as the words cut through me.
‘You must listen, Adam. Please hear me out, and then it will be done. My wishes are simple. I want to stay here as long as it is feasible. Beyond that, my dear, do whatever you have to do without any regret. As harsh as it sounds, when the end is here I prefer to be alone. I don’t want anyone watching for my last breath, or weeping over me. The very thought of that is abhorrent to me and I love you, and Lily, too much to have that on my conscience. Better to have good memories to cling onto, rather than horrid ones of watching the life seeping out of a loved one. Trust me on this and please honour my request.’
My jaw is rigid and my stomach is in knots. If I speak now, I’ll break down. I bow my head, struggling to hold it together. She’s strong as iron and I know she wants me to be strong too.
‘Pop is with me, so I’m never alone. He often comes to sit with me and his presence is comforting. I know many would say I’m a silly old woman, letting her imagination take over to fill the void of a lost love. Whether it’s real, or not, is irrelevant; it’s real to me. I simply want you to understand something. I choose to have my memories, and my imagination, as the companions for that final journey. As dear as you are, darling Adam, this isn’t going to be something we can share. I want you always to smile when you think of me. Besides, let’s not get maudlin, there’s life left in me yet. But death comes to us all and when it’s my turn, I want it to be as dignified as possible. Celebrate my life by living yours, dearest boy. That is how you will make me both happy, and proud.’
I swallow hard, a guttural sound rising in my throat that’s hard to contain. I stifle it with a cough and steel myself to greet her worried eyes, with a strength I’m not sure I have.
‘You know that’s going to be hard for me.’ My voice wavers. My facial muscles are working overtime to keep my tone even, despite the emotion battling to get out. ‘I will do my best, but that’s all I can promise.’
‘That’s good enough for me. But, Adam, when the time comes, please let me go without regret. You have to understand that I believe I’m simply passing from one world into another. I’ll be with Jack, and my beloved daughter, but I’ll always be beside you, too. Now that’s enough. It’s finally all been said and I feel better for it. No more morbid thoughts, let’s have some tea.’
Grandma leaves the room, giving me time to regain my composure. As I listen to her moving around in the kitchen, I look across at Pop’s chair. Is he there now? Has he been watching us, and supporting Grandma as she spelt out her last wishes? My only wish is that if he is there, I could be granted the ability to see him too.
Leaving Grandma to head back home to Lily was emotional for us both. Our frank talk had tackled the unthinkable. Although, it still left me uncertain as to whether the problem was with her heart, or her lungs. I didn’t mention that I had tried to speak with her doctor, or that he had said he was unable to discuss his patient with me without prior consent. That consent, he informed me, would not be forthcoming. The only outward signs of illness that I witnessed were the bouts of breathlessness and a slight tinge of blue around her lips. With Christmas, and my next visit still almost two months away, I know that I will worry about her constantly and vow to phone her every day.
As I pulled away to begin my journey home, my thoughts turned to Katie. For some reason she was suddenly on my mind and ten minutes later I found myself parking up outside the shop.
‘Um, is Katie around?’
The young woman behind the counter gave me a smile of recognition, and then shook her head. ‘I’m afraid she’s at lunch.’
I nodded, thinking it was just my luck, and thanked her. However, as I turned to walk out, she called me back.
‘Adam, isn’t it?’ she enquired. ‘I’m Hazel.’
I stepped back, as she indicated for me to move along to the end of the counter. A woman I hadn’t seen in the shop before began serving the customer behind me.
‘Katie has probably gone to the park at the end of the road. You’ll most likely find her sitting on one of the benches eating her sandwiches.’
She gave me a cheerful grin and I smiled back. ‘Thank you, Hazel. I um … wanted to talk to her about a Christmas cake.’
‘Great, and anyway, Katie would be annoyed to have missed you.’
Her words took me rather by surprise. I nodded and made my way out of the shop in rather a hurry. I jumped back into the car, fully intending to head for home without any further distractions. Two minutes later I found myself pulling into a parking space alongside a grassy area at the end of the road.
The park is a little haven, comprising a large open area surrounded by a row of mature trees. The borders are neatly maintained and it’s pristine; there isn’t a single piece of litter to be seen anywhere.
Sure enough, as soon as I walk through the gate I spot Katie. She’s sitting alone on a bench. She doesn’t look up until I’m standing next to her.
‘Adam. What a surprise! Are you on your way back home? How was the visit?’
Katie shuffles along the bench, indicating for me to sit down as she gathers together the remnants of her lunch.
‘I didn’t mean to interrupt, I’m sorry. I called into the shop to say goodbye as I’m heading home. They said you were here.’
She raises her eyebrows, a little surprised. ‘Ah, you spoke to Hazel.’
‘I hope you’re not angry. I said I needed to talk to you about a Christmas cake. Well, I do, of course, but … it wasn’t that.’ Words now fail me. I don’t know what I’m doing here, or why, and seeing Katie seems to have opened the dam that was holding everything in. Get a grip, Adam, what a wimp!
Katie senses I can’t talk at the moment. She sits back, hands resting in her lap, diplomatically gazing around. We sit watching two people out walking their dogs and a young woman with a toddler. A few minutes elapse and eventually I’m calm enough to speak.
‘Sorry about that, it’s been a tough few days.’
‘Worse than you thought?’ She sounds hesitant; worried she’ll say the wrong thing.
‘I think it’s her heart. Her doctor says he’s unable to discuss the details of her case with me, and worse, she made me promise I’d honour her last wishes. I don’t think she knows how long she has left, maybe no one ever knows for sure. But I’m a wreck. I didn’t want to leave her here, all alone. I wanted to take her back with me, to Lily.’
‘I assume she said no, and I guess she’s a lady who knows her own mind. That must have been hard to bear, Adam. Sometimes you have to listen to what people want, rather than blindly assuming what you want for them is what’s best. It’s tough. Look, if you ever get worried … you know, can’t reach her on the phone, or anything, then please do call me. I can pop round to see if she’s okay. It’s no trouble at all.’
The offer is a kind and very generous one.
‘It’s weird. You’re probably the only person I can share this with and yet we hardly know each other.’
/>
‘Well, after our last little chat, I’d say we know quite a lot about each other. I made a bit of a fool of myself and it was very kind of you to listen. So please, if you are worried at any time, simply give me a call.’
It’s a little surreal sitting here, people watching alongside a young woman I met because of a Christmas cake. She stares straight ahead, smiling at the toddler, and the young mother anxiously hovering over the little one. Katie lifts her hand as the breeze catches her hair and she shakes her head to disentangle the strands. Something inside me causes my heart to miss a beat. Oh, no, this is bad news, extremely bad news.
She turns her face upwards to look at me as I stand and I begin muttering the first thing that comes into my head.
‘Thanks, um, I’d better start heading back. Long drive and all that …’
At the gate I take one long look back at her and she waves, her hair obscuring most of her face. My heart skips another beat as I walk back to the car. I’m filled with confusion and an adrenalin rush that I haven’t felt in a long while. There isn’t only a sense of connection, but the associated body chemistry is becoming a little difficult to keep at bay. I suddenly imagine myself scooping her up in my arms, and I actually have to shake my head to clear the vision. Since when did you become the type of man who contemplates stealing another man’s woman?
Katie
Sometimes You Have To Let It All Out
‘Did Adam manage to find you in the park?’ Hazel hits me with the question the moment I step through the door. Thankfully we’re alone and she pauses, watching for my reaction as she leans against the display cabinet she’s cleaning.
‘Yes, thank you and it’s not what you think. His grandmother, the one he buys the cakes for, has a heart problem. She lives near here and I’ve offered to pop in to check on her if there’s an emergency. She’s eighty years old and lives on her own. End of story.’
Hazel chews her lip.
‘He’s fit and rather charming. A great catch for some lucky woman.’
‘Hazel! Enough, he’s a customer.’
‘Hmm … and he’s single and free as a bird.’
Now Hazel has overstepped the mark.
‘I have absolutely no idea why you find him so utterly fascinating. The subject is now closed and I have nothing further to say on the matter.’
I head for my office before Hazel has time to reply.
Anyway, it’s all irrelevant and none of my business. The chance of Adam needing to call on me is slim and he won’t be down again until Christmas. By then he could have a girlfriend who will, of course, want to come and meet his grandmother.
Now I have to get my head around a more personal, and pressing, matter. I’m still trying to decide how to approach it, when Hazel calls out that Steve has pulled up outside the shop. I guess my thinking time is over. This is it.
‘The after-lunch lull?’ He strides into my office as if it’s his own and leans over me to plant a kiss on my forehead. ‘Why the frown? Problems?’
I’m half-tempted to change my mind and leave this for another time, when I find myself blurting it out.
‘I need to talk to you, about us.’
The problem is that I have no idea what to say next. How do I begin?
‘All we seem to do these days is talk about us,’ he retorts, sounding distinctly annoyed.
‘That’s not true, Steve. All we do is argue, and that’s mainly over Sweet Occasions and the way I run things. I’m talking about the way we feel for each other. The fact we haven’t made love in ages. The gap that is growing between us is getting wider as each day passes. Doesn’t that concern you?’
It has all come out in a rush and the look on his face tells me he’s shocked. I walk across to shut the door, hoping no one was within earshot. He spins his head around to look at me, eyes narrowing as he searches my face for clues.
‘What?’ He throws the word at me with a vicious tone in his voice. Immediately I find myself preparing for a fight. I pull back my shoulders and, for the first time in years, I don’t even consider backing down.
‘Let’s not play any more games. I hate upsetting you, but I need to know if there’s anything left between us on a personal level that is worth salvaging.’
He takes one stride towards me and falters, his arm slightly raised. For one awful moment I wonder if he’s going to hit me. Then I see that wasn’t his intention, he was going to reach out for me. His mouth is open, only nothing is coming out. Reaching for the chair, Steve drags it away from the desk and slumps down into it.
He lowers his voice, ‘I think you’d better say whatever it is that’s on your mind. I’ve given up trying to second-guess what’s going on inside that head of yours.’
‘I’m glad you’re prepared to at least listen to me,’ I throw in quickly. I’m trying to buy a few extra seconds of thinking time. He’s implying this is a surprise to him, but surely he can see the cracks in our relationship? Is he just burying his head in the sand, rather than facing up to the truth?
I lean against the edge of the desk, grateful that for once he isn’t standing over me and I don’t feel overpowered by his presence.
‘Steve, we’re falling apart. We used to be so close and now it’s like we’re partners in business only. Even when we’re together, you’re always on the computer and I spend my time trying not to say anything contentious. We don’t do fun things together any more. Is there any passion, or desire, left to rekindle?’
‘How can you say that? After everything we’ve been through? I doubt there’s an emotion left that we haven’t shared. I’ve put my consultancy business on hold so I could divert everything I have in terms of time, as well as money, into bringing us closer together. Believe me, I had other options but I chose the one that I thought would get us back to where we were. What more do you want from me as proof that I’m committed?’
His tone is clipped. A nerve twitches at the side of his mouth, indicating that either he’s nervous, or so angry he’s in danger of losing control.
‘Look, let’s stay calm and be honest with each other. I’m not talking about the business, or the loan, or commitment. I’m talking about whether there’s any love left between us.’
I reach out and touch his face lightly with my fingertips. ‘I’m not trying to hurt you, Steve. It’s a question I’ve wanted to ask for a long time, only I’ve been too scared to go there. You know why.’
He takes my hand in his, holding it gently for a few seconds before letting it go.
‘And it all comes down to the big “C”. It sucked up five years of my life; it took away any chance we had of having a baby and now it continues to overshadow our relationship. Have I changed? Yes. Have you changed? Hell, yes. You have two expressions, Katie. You either look at me with pity, or with fear. How did that happen? Can you tell me that?’ His anger is a little frightening and the look in his eyes is one of pain and regret.
‘I live in fear of upsetting you, of adding to your stress levels because I can’t seem to gauge your moods any more. The anger you bottled up is close to the surface all the time. Seriously, I think you need to do something about that, to stop it constantly eating away at you. It won’t go away on its own; it’s a natural reaction after what you’ve been through and I understand that.’ My voice fails me as my throat constricts. I can only hope that my tone demonstrates the sympathy and concern I feel for him.
‘And we’re back to the pitying look. I’m well now, Katie, so say it as it is and be done with it.’
I hesitate, not even sure what it is I want to say. Then the words are there.
‘I don’t think I’m in love with you any more.’
‘So, what are you saying? That you’ve found someone else?’ His face darkens, as his eyes anxiously search my face looking for the truth.
‘No, there’s no one else, Steve. Even if you hadn’t been ill, this would probably still have happened. Relationships change and sometimes things fall apart because they’ve run their co
urse. I suppose what I’m asking you to consider is whether, or not, you still love me?’
He sits back in his chair, folding his arms across his body and exhales, sharply.
‘Would I be here now if I didn’t love you? Life without you wouldn’t be worth living, Katie.’
Even as he utters those words, I know it’s a lie. Maybe the truth hasn’t sunk in yet. Perhaps it remains hidden, deep behind the armour he’s worn for so long to shield him from his darkest fears. He’s still haunted by the thought of losing his grip on life and of being alone. This is like living in hell and I know it can’t continue any longer.
Adam
Starting Over Yet Again
As Grandma Grace’s words sink in, what gives me hope is seeing Lily’s bright, smiling face. Later that evening when she is tucked up safely in bed, I pour myself a stiff drink and settle down to make some sense of the thoughts whirling around inside my head.
With Cold Play’s ‘Fix You’ playing in the background, it takes me back to a time when life with Kelly seemed to be one long argument. Katie pops into my head and my stomach does an unexpected somersault. It’s not an option, I tell myself. She’s out of bounds and I know it … but that doesn’t stop a warm smile from creeping over my face. Then Grace pops into my head again, along with the sorrow I can’t contain.
It was tough when Mum died, worse still losing Pop, because of the devastating effect it had on Grandma. But losing her? I can’t imagine it; I don’t want to imagine it.
Katie pops back into my head; that shy little smile of hers makes me recall our first meeting. I was a total stranger and yet she didn’t hesitate to help me, despite the High Street being deserted. There was no one within earshot to come to her rescue if I’d turned out to be an opportunist robber, or even an attacker!
A Little Sugar, A Lot of Love: With cupcakes, coffee and karma Page 12