Now that’s grown-up talk, maybe he isn’t such a boy after all.
‘Impression made, but your chances are slim to none. However, when it comes to assessing you as a landlord, you are up there at the top of the scale.’ I can tell by the expression on his face that he isn’t listening to what I’m saying.
He’s at that point where he finds me intriguing, new territory as yet undiscovered. I’ve already walked through the whole thing in my head. The handholding, the passion, and then the long drag as we discover our interests are very different. I don’t have the patience to go through all that again, even though that early rush of excitement can be exhilarating. I simply can’t see the point and that’s down to the fact that we have a little sexual frisson going on, but that’s all.
Now if it was Adam standing in front of me … that would be a very different matter, altogether. But Adam has never chosen to seize the moment and I can only assume that was for a very good reason.
Adam
I’m An Idiot, A Lovesick Idiot
Grace was right when she said everything happens for a reason. Walking around the empty house for the first time was a wake-up call. It made me think about my life and what she would be saying to me now. As soon as I returned home I knew I had to face facts and make some radical changes.
The first was to break the news to Leonie that our relationship wasn’t working. I expected tears. Instead, I was met with a caustic stare. She wasn’t upset that I was saying we were over, only that I was the one breaking up with her. Afterwards, I sat Lily down to explain what had happened, thinking maybe it would be one more thing to unsettle her. She didn’t seem at all concerned either way and I was a little surprised about that. It did serve to remind me how strong kids can be and that they often understand more about what’s happening than we think they do.
Since we’ve been back I haven’t stopped thinking about Katie. I know that’s wrong, but you can’t help being attracted to someone and it’s not like she’s a married woman. Maybe her love life isn’t a done-deal. Many relationships move on when things change. Rightly, or wrongly, I’ve decided that I have nothing to lose in letting her know how I feel. I still have to work out how I’m going to do that. It’s not easy, given the physical distance between us, and the main problem is that I can’t simply turn up at the shop and blurt it all out.
So, I’m hatching a plan. Kelly is flying off to Spain with her partner and I have Lily for two whole weeks at the start of the school summer holidays. I’ve arranged for decorators to paint through Grandma’s house. When they’re done, contractors are going in to replace all the flooring. I’ve ordered some new furniture and it will mean a stay at the house to unpack the deliveries as they arrive. I explained to Lily that I’ve rented Grandma Grace’s house to the daughter of the lady next door. She’s going to be living there for a year. It will give me time to think about what to do with it after that. That’s the excuse I need to be within range of Katie. If I’m going to engineer some time with her, then it has to be in a relaxed manner. I thought that maybe I could ask her advice about getting the house all set up. Men aren’t supposed to know about curtains and things, so I’m hoping to use that as an excuse. I realise it’s a bit sexist assuming she’s the sort of lady who enjoys picking soft furnishings, but I’m riding my hunches here.
There’s a lot to arrange to get everything geared up, but I’m fighting for a chance to follow my heart. I’ve never pursued anyone before. I might be wasting my time, but the other option is to do nothing. Then I’ll always find myself wondering what might have happened. Whenever I waver, I simply think about her and then all the ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ disappear. If you want something badly enough, then you have to be prepared to fight for it. Women like Katie don’t come along very often.
‘You’re barking mad, mate. What if she turns you down? You will have exposed your hand and set yourself up for a big fall.’ Tom looks at me with a look of sheer horror written all over his face.
‘So you don’t think it’s a good idea?’ We’re side by side, running on treadmills, and talking isn’t exactly easy. I’m beginning to get cold feet, so I need someone else’s perspective on this.
‘Can’t you make it a bit more … casual?’ His voice booms out and I’m conscious other people might be listening. I hit the cool down button, hoping Tom will do the same, and my machine slows to a fast walk. Tom follows suit.
‘It’s awkward. I know a little bit about her, but there’s no way I can get any more information. I do know she’s had quite a few problems with the guy she lives with. He’s also her business partner now. It might have cemented their relationship, so there’s a chance I could be wasting my time. I have to take that risk.’
Tom swipes his towel over his face. He looks up, shaking his head at me.
‘Mate, you have it bad. Has she ever indicated that she even likes you? This isn’t a rebound thing, after blowing off Leonie?’
‘No, it isn’t a rebound thing.’ Maybe Tom isn’t the one to ask, after all. How can I expect him to understand?
‘We’ve talked, that’s all. Oh, and she came and helped out at Lily’s party. There was definitely something there, between us, I mean. But you know me; I’m not good at reading signals.’
‘Your problem, Adam, is that you’re too polite. Women like men who keep ’em on their toes.’
As my treadmill grinds to a halt, I feel totally deflated. How on earth am I going to impress Katie? I don’t know her well enough to second-guess how best to tackle laying out my emotions. Fear hits me in the gut like a blow.
‘Helpful. Thanks, Tom.’ Maybe he has a point, or am I over-thinking this and all I can do is stand in front of her and explain how I feel? If she’s not interested and she’s happily in love with this Steve guy, it will hurt like hell. One thing I do know is that this is my one and only chance. If this doesn’t work out, then at least I won’t have any regrets.
‘Aren’t you forgetting the bigger issue?’ Tom shoots me a worried look.
‘Which is …?’
‘Well, from what you’ve told me, she lives, works, and her family are all based in the same area. There’s a little problem of one hundred and fifty miles to consider. Is it likely she’ll pack her bags, leave her career behind and move up here?’
It feels like I’ve just walked into a brick wall.
It’s been one of the hardest weeks of my life. When Tom reminded me that I’d overlooked the one big flaw in my plan, I was devastated. Why did I think it could ever work? Setting aside the fact that I have no idea how Katie feels about me, Lily’s school is here, near her mother. There’s no way I could uproot her, even if the opportunity arose. Sharing parental responsibility means that I’m tied to living close to Kelly for the foreseeable future. You can’t sit someone down to tell them you have feelings for them and then ask them to let go of everything they have, to move away with you.
Whether I like it or not, I have to accept it’s unlikely to work out. Even if by some lucky trick of Fate, Katie was prepared to be more than simply friends, how could it work? All I can do is make the trip and at least sort the bit of the plan that will work. Getting Grandma Grace’s house ready to rent out is something I don’t relish, but has to be done. I’m committed to that now and there’s no turning back. The phone rings while I’m feeling the most depressed, and dejected, I’ve ever been in my whole life. I soon wish I hadn’t answered it, when I hear what the contractor has to say.
‘No, the work has to be finished by next Friday, at the latest. If the flooring hasn’t arrived yet, then find out what is in stock and we’ll go with that. I need to be able to start moving furniture in quite quickly. I have two beds being delivered on Thursday. I’m staying there with my young daughter and we’re arriving on Friday morning.’
I come off the phone feeling annoyed. Managing contractors from a distance isn’t easy and not being able to drop in and check whether or not they’re on target is stressful. Now I’m being told that the
flooring still hasn’t arrived and it’s going to take at least three days for their team to lay it.
‘Dad, what are we going to do about bedding?’ Lily’s voice breaks my chain of thought. I have to lift myself out of this miserable funk that has descended over me and keep going.
‘Good point.’ Yet another thing I haven’t thought about yet. It’s on my ‘to do’ list, but I’m running out of time.
‘We’ll call into a shopping mall on the way there. You need to start thinking about what you want to take for the stay. The first couple of days are going to be like camping, until the rest of the furniture arrives. It will be fun.’ I sound more upbeat about it than I’m actually feeling.
‘We won’t have TV,’ Lily says with a pout. I’m not sure she’s as excited about this adventure as I’d hoped. I can hardly expect her to be enthralled about a couple of weeks away from her friends.
‘I’m taking my laptop and a dongle, so we’ll have the Internet. You can pack some of your favourite DVDs, too. It will be an adventure. Besides, it will be great to get Grandma’s house looking nice.’
Lily sits for a moment, deep in thought. ‘Grandma definitely isn’t a ghost?’ she asks, innocent eyes appealing to me.
‘The house is filled with Grandma’s love. That will never change, no matter how much fresh paint we put on the walls. Think about how happy it would have made her to know that her neighbour, Marie, will have her daughter living next door for a while. She will be making lots of new memories there, happy ones.’
Her little face doesn’t show any particular emotion, only that she’s deep in thought.
‘Will their memories wipe out all of Grandma Grace’s, and Pop’s, memories?’
My heart sinks. If this is going to upset Lily, then maybe I should hand it over to a local management company to oversee the final bits.
‘It’s not the house that stores the memories, it’s in here.’ I tap my head, and then my chest. ‘Memories live on forever. You don’t only think of Grandma Grace when you’re in her old house, do you?’
‘No, I think of Grandma Grace every single day, Dad.’
‘I know, and I’m glad to hear that. I think of her all the time, too, but we have to accept that Grandma’s house can’t remain empty forever. She wouldn’t have wanted that and it’s our job to get it ready. It won’t be all traipsing round shops and buying stuff for the house, we can take some trips out. If the weather is good we can laze in the garden and read.’
Her little face brightens. The moment of concern has passed.
‘Dad, do you still love Mum?’ Her words come without a hint of warning and it catches me unawares.
‘I’ll always love your mother, but I’m not in love with her any more. It happens sometimes, Lily, and it’s very sad. You have to understand that Mum is much happier now and so am I. What’s important to remember is that we love you more than anything else in the whole wide world and we always will.’
Her eyes are glued to my face, taking in every single word as if she might miss something.
‘But you aren’t happy, Dad.’ Lily sounds upset and I have no idea why this is raising its head now.
‘What makes you think that?’
‘Leonie didn’t make you happy and now you’re alone again.’ Her voice wavers and my heart sinks even further. How can I explain something as complex as adult feelings?
‘The thing is … it’s a bit like having a best friend. No one stays the same forever. We learn new things and it changes us. Can you remember your first best friend? I can, it was Eloise and you were three years old. You used to have play dates together. As you grew up your interests changed and since then you’ve had two very different best friends. It doesn’t make you sad though, does it? A new best friend makes you feel happy and they help you to grow, and change. They share their friends, and their interests, with you and you do the same in return. Sometimes a best friend is forever, and sometimes for only a little while.’
I hope I’m making some sense. If I’d had some notice, I could have come up with a polished answer that would sound more reassuring. On the spur of the moment it’s the best I can do.
‘Dad, it isn’t quite the same thing.’ She looks at me, soulfully.
This is a path I don’t want to tread just yet and I’m holding my breath, wondering where this is heading.
‘It isn’t?’
‘Dad, I heard Grandma say she wanted you to find your soulmate. You won’t give up, will you?’ Now her lip quivers and she gulps, as if stifling a sob.
‘Of course I won’t give up. One of these days I’ll meet someone really special. One thing I know for sure is that she’s going to love you too, just as much as I do!’
I kneel down next to her and pull her into my arms, rocking her gently. I hate the fact that my nine-year-old daughter is worrying about me.
What worries me most of all is that I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. What sort of example is that for an impressionable nine-year-old? Guess it’s time to man-up, Adam, and stop letting life happen. So, you’ve fallen for a woman who’s in a shaky relationship and it’s complicated. There are likely to be problems because of the physical distance between you. I’d say it’s time to lay your cards on the table and let her decide. If you don’t do this now, you will live to regret it and you know that. You’ve known it for a little while. Worry about the potential problems if it gets to that stage. You have nothing to lose, but your heart.
In one week I’ve done a three-hundred-and-sixty-degree turn; I’ve come full circle and the big plan is back on. I’m going to try to convince Katie that we have a chance. Maybe the problems she’s had with Steve are because they aren’t the proverbial match made in heaven. She could be hanging in there for all the wrong reasons, as I did with Kelly. That would be such a waste. If she tells me to go away, I’ll respect her wishes, but I’m going to put forward the most persuasive case possible. If there’s even a shadow of doubt in her mind about her current relationship, maybe she’ll listen to me. If Katie, too, feels that we have some sort of attraction going on, that would be a perfect place to start.
Katie
Putting Down Roots
Okay, so Liam is beginning to grow on me – bit, by bit. He’s like a terrier, he doesn’t ever give up and he keeps coming back for more. He has fixed absolutely everything in the house that needed fixing and now he’s insisted on building a wooden deck in the garden. It’s merely an excuse to spend time around me and he doesn’t appear to be at all concerned about his lack of subtlety. He’s trying everything, and anything, to grab my attention.
Hazel thinks he’s cute and she says I’m mad not taking him seriously. The main problem for me is that, at twenty-four years old, he’s five, soon to be six years, younger and that feels significant. Besides, his life experience is very different to my own. I know it’s easy to judge people when you hardly know them. After what I’ve been through, I now look at life from a completely different point of view. There’s no rose-tinted overlay. I just need to ensure I don’t go too far in the other direction and look at everything in an unnecessarily negative way.
Liam is a fun guy and he doesn’t come with any baggage. He hasn’t yet had to jump over any of the really testing hurdles life can put in front of you. He quite freely admits that his family has money and his portfolio of properties was a gift for his twenty-first birthday. I’m not implying that he doesn’t work hard. He has a business degree and he chose to take a few DIY courses to learn some basic maintenance skills. He’s financially clued-up and soon realised that being able to mend a leaking tap, or make good a broken window, would save him time and money in the property game.
The only test he’s had to face is that his parents hoped for a consummate businessman. They struggle to understand his love of working with his hands, but they don’t interfere. He’s one of those people who seem to glide through life avoiding the big highs and lows. I sound jaded and I know that. It is nice to spend time with
someone who has a simplistic view of life and I’m trying not to hold his age against him. How can I say this without sounding paranoid, or judgemental? Some things you experience in life change you forever and there’s no going back. I can’t become this light, bright, carefree, single woman whose past doesn’t colour the way she looks at the future. I know that maturity isn’t only an age thing. With Liam, I feel that I would have to be the worrier and what I’m looking for is a man who will be my rock. I’m tired of having to be the strong one. I’m drained of energy. What I need is someone who will wrap their arms around me and say, ‘I’m here, and everything is going to be all right.’
‘What are you worrying about, now?’ Hazel’s voice makes me jump.
‘Oh, I was deep in thought. Daydreaming, that’s all.’
‘Hmm … I’m not sure that sounds good – work, or pleasure?’ She knows me too well and it’s hard to hide anything from Hazel.
‘Liam,’ I admit, rather reluctantly. Only because I’m not good at telling lies and Hazel would only see through it.
‘He’s a nice guy,’ she replies, with a sigh. ‘He’s easy-going, good on the eye, plus he’s financially secure. His car is amazing.’ She adds the last comment to taunt me, knowing that I’m not impressed by things like that.
‘Yes, and doesn’t that smack of boys’ toys? A flashy car isn’t number one on my list of prerequisites when it comes to a relationship.’
‘You’re a tough one to please, Katie. What does a guy have to do to hold your interest? Seriously, I’m not joking around here. I know you’ve had an awful few years with everything that’s happened, but life is better now, isn’t it?’
I know she wants me to be happy and I want that too, but it has to feel right.
A Little Sugar, A Lot of Love: With cupcakes, coffee and karma Page 20