by Angel Steel
He worked his way into my heart and buried himself there completely, and he didn’t even know.
He owned me and he didn’t care what he was doing to me!
As each word circles in my head, my hands tighten on the steering wheel, gripping it with such force, I’m afraid it will break under my hold. I haven’t touched my phone since last night. It was still turned off. I can’t bring myself to turn it on and listen to any more of the voicemails or read the text messages. I know there will be more than what there were last time I checked, but I need this time alone to think. There’s one thing I need to do then I will make my decision.
I turn left heading toward the one place I have dodged for the last several months. I should have done this a while ago, but it was too hard to do. Even now, I’m struggling as I park my dad’s truck and sit there staring out the window ahead of me. I needed to let go of Dante completely. Well, not completely, enough that I can move on with my life and be happy, be myself the way I used to be. I have to let go, and not hold onto him as much as I have been.
Turning the engine off, I reach for the white lilies on the passenger seat that I purchased earlier from the gas station and get out. This is the one place beside the shop where I feel completely safe. A weird thing being a cemetery, surrounded by dead people, but they’re dead and, therefore, can’t do anything to me.
I make my way toward the maple tree, the only tree standing on the east side. Several tombstones stand erect around the base of the tree. I don’t know who any of the others are, except for two. Walking along the pathway, not taking notice of anything along my way when I stop. Sinking to my knees in front of Dante’s tombstone, I remove the weeds growing around the base and throw them to the side in a heap.
“I’m sorry it’s been a while since I’ve been here,” I whisper, holding back my tears. “I had it all figured out what to say to you, but the moment I got in the truck, it went completely out the window and I can’t do it.”
I shift my legs to the side and sit on the wet grass. “I met someone, Dante. He came into my life just like you did, but I fought it. I fought it hard. I didn’t want anyone but you.” I can’t hold back the tears as they slide down my cheeks. Wiping the wetness from my eyes. “Why is it that I draw the ones that have a dangerous job? I must be a sucker for it,” I laugh slightly. “Can I love two people at the same time, Dante? My heart was yours to keep, but now I feel the same for Zane. I love him Dante. I love him like I still love you,” I sob. I shift closer to his tombstone. “I still love you, but I need to move forward for myself. I can’t keep feeling like this, knowing you won’t be coming back to me. I need someone with me now, Dante, and you’re not.” I lift my shirt up and wipe my tears away. “He makes me happy, Dante. I haven’t been this happy since we were together.” I struggle to smile. “I need this for me. I can’t keep acting this way, knowing you’ll never return to me. I need to let you go and move forward with my life and with Zane if he wants that with me, but if not with him, I’m doing it for myself.”
I look over to my daughter’s tombstone. Angel wings are sketched into the stone alongside her name and the description reads:
Savannah Louise Davenport
6/06/2009
An angel brought into this world and taken far too quickly from us.
You will always be in our hearts till we can be together again, soon.
My one and only angel!
“Please look after our daughter till I get to see you both again. I know you will do that for me… for us. Our little angel up there with her father.” I break apart and drop to the grass and cry for Savannah and Dante. I reach over and grab the white lilies and place them at the base of Savannah’s tombstone.
“Look after your daddy, angel. He needs it as much as you do,” I whisper.
I lift myself up again till I’m kneeling in front of Dante’s grave, and raise my hand and lay it flat against the tombstone. “I love you with everything I have, baby. I wish you weren’t taken from me so soon, but I know you’re up there looking down on me. I know you are around with me. I can feel you there, even now I do,” I say, holding it together as best as I can. “I will always hold you in my heart where you belong.”
I stop, feeling someone behind me. I know who it is and why he’s here, but I continue, “I need to say goodbye, Dante. I’ll still visit, but it won’t be as much. I need to let you go, like I know you would if this whole situation was reversed.” A single tear falls from the corner of my eye and slides down my cheek. “I will love you, always, Dante. My one and only.” I lean my body forward, closing my eyes and place a kiss on Dante’s tombstone, linger for only a second and sit back.
“How did you know I was here?” I whisper.
“Your dad told me,” he says gruffly.
I feel him move directly behind me, and then his hand rests on my shoulder. I drop my head forward, not wanting to leave just yet. Zane’s fingers dig into my shoulder, letting me know he’s there with me.
I sit back slightly leaning against Zane’s legs. “We had a huge fight about two months before he died. I had a surprise to tell him for our first anniversary but had to wait till he got back from a trip. Funny how you think you know someone and think they’re away and find them still in town,” I choke out. “He was with another woman. I saw them when I was supposed to meet up with my brother, and he kissed the woman he was with, Zane. It broke me apart seeing him do that with someone else. I questioned him where he was, then I told him I saw him with that woman. I never gave him the chance to explain his actions. I didn’t want him to either, and I didn’t want to hear about that other woman.”
I shift away from Zane’s legs and push myself up to stand. Still facing away from him and continue to stare at Dante’s grave. “Our relationship was strained every day after that. We hardly said a word to each other and it was killing me and him.” I turn and face Savannah’s grave. “I didn’t get a chance to tell him my surprise. I should’ve even if we weren’t talking. He had a right to know, but I couldn’t bring myself to share it with him, and now I’ll live with that for the rest of my life.” I grip the front of my shirt holding myself together, but I know I’m far from it.
“I knew if I gave him his surprise he would’ve tried harder to fix our relationship. But I wanted him to do it for him, for us, not for my surprise. I kept it from him for two whole months. It killed me inside keeping it from him. I know now that I did it on purpose, it was something I was holding to myself without him knowing, and for some reason I loved it being the only one that knew about it.”
Zane’s feet shift behind me, but he doesn’t say a word. I had to get this all off my chest. I need him to know everything about me. Well, as much as I was willing to give him so I could move forward.
“I found out I was pregnant the week of our anniversary. I’d spent weeks trying to find the perfect gift for him, then I found out the news and I knew that was what I could give him, the first ultrasound image of our child we created together. But I didn’t, and kept it from him, the father of my child. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him.” I wipe the tears from my eyes then hold my hand over my stomach. “I told myself and him that I’d never be with anyone that was in the police force, but Dante fought it, and so did I.”
I step over and stand in front of Savannah’s grave. “Three months after his death, something happened. I wasn’t looking after myself or our child and decided one day I had to rectify that situation, but it didn’t work out so well. My brother and dad rushed me to the hospital and were told my baby had to be delivered by C-section. I’d lost a bit of blood, but it wasn’t that, that was affecting the baby. The fetus was deprived of oxygen by a knot that had formed in the umbilical cord. Our little girl was delivered minutes later, but I only got a small glimpse of her before she was rushed away from me. Her tiny body couldn’t handle it. She died five minutes after she was born. I held onto her lifeless body, not wanting to let her go. She looked exactly like her father, Zane,” I tel
l him.
We stand there for what feels like ages in complete silence. No breeze, no birds chirping, not even the sound of us breathing. “It was entirely my fault. If I’d looked after myself better, Savannah would be here right now with me, instead of in this grave. It was me that let myself go because I couldn’t get over the death of Dante.”
“Amelia,” Zane’s voice cracks from behind me.
“No, I should’ve told him before he died, and I should’ve looked after myself better than what I had done. I killed my own daughter, Zane. It was all me. I hate myself for what I did to her. I still do. How could I do that to someone so tiny and innocent? I killed her, and I’ll never be able to… ” I spin around to face him and gasp.
He’s kneeling on the ground face down, his hands digging into the dirt at his feet. His ripped jeans wet and covered with dirt. His shirt rumpled, he’s obviously only put it on, and his hair wet either from a shower or the morning rain that we had an hour ago. His body shakes and I know he’s crying. I take a step toward him wanting to comfort him in any way I can, but suddenly stop when he stands, still face down. His chest rises and falls as he takes a deep breath, then he lifts his head slowly, and my eyes connect with his.
Oh God!
My heart stops in my chest.
How is it possible!
“Dante,” I whisper, as I continue to stare at him.
“Lia,” his voice breaks as he says my name.
His beautiful eyes, one blue, one light green stare back at me.
My feet begin to move on their own accord toward him. His eyes are on me as I edge my way slowly to him, with each step my breath quickens, my heart beating faster and faster. Each step is slow, until I’m standing directly in front of him. Then my hand comes into view to my left as it rises from my side and extends out and up to Dante’s face. As soon as my hand touches his face, a whimper leaves my lips at the contact of skin on skin. His warmth seeps into my hand as my thumb glides over his cheek.
Dante leans into my touch then closes his eyes. I take a step closer, only a breath between us now. Dante opens his eyes and lifts his hand from his side and gently places his hand over mine on his cheek, his eyes boring into my own. My eyes flick between his, and right at this point, I know he’s my husband, my dead husband.
My mouth drops open as my hand falls from his cheek and I stumble backward, away from him. My feet frantically move under me until I trip and fall on my ass. My hands digs into the mud at my sides as I look up at him, not believing what I see right now.
He takes a step toward me. I shake my head, pushing harder against the base of the tree. “No, it can’t be true,” I blubber. “You’re not meant to be here at all, how… how are you here? I buried you, Dante,” I weep. Standing in front of me is Dante, but not the Dante I remember, it’s the Dante I married and fell in love with. This Dante is different in every way. His eyes were the same, but everything about him has changed, like the fact that standing in front of me was not just Dante, but Zane. It’s Zane all over, but with those eyes, the exact eyes that Dante had. He was the only one I knew with them. Wait! If Zane is here in front of me, but really it’s Dante, that means…
He steps closer and stops right in front of me. His eyes search my own. I can’t take my eyes from him. I can’t believe it’s really him standing here now. His hand reaches out to touch me, but I flinch away from his touch. I can’t think straight. My Dante stands in front of me completely alive and not buried to my left, right beside our daughter. But it’s not just Dante, it’s Zane that I’ve known for the last several months.
“Lia,” his voice hoarse as he speaks my name.
“Don’t call me that. You lost the privilege to call me that the day I buried you,” I growl as I wipe the tears from my cheek. My whole body shakes at how angry and hurt I am right now. “You left me here, alone, mourning you, while you were out there somewhere else,” I can’t hold it back as I yell at him.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?” He ignores what I’ve said to him. Searching his face for anything, all I can see is how upset he is over the news he’s just found out, but I’m hurt more.
“You’ve been gone for five years, Dante. Where have you been all that time?” I ask, not wanting to answer his question.
Shaking his head. I know he isn’t going to give me the answers I need. He steps back away from me, but I’m not allowing him to shut me out, not this time.
“No, you don’t get to leave me alone and then come back and ruin everything for me. Why didn’t you tell me what was going on?” I hug myself waiting for his answer.
He turns away from me. “I couldn’t, Lia. If I did you wouldn’t be standing here right now.”
“How do you know that, Dante? You never even tried to tell me what was going on with you. I was there for you, no matter what was happening around us, but you obviously didn’t care enough for me to tell me what you had planned.” I lean back against the tree base, staring at his back.
He spins around quickly and stomps toward me, then pins me against the tree. “How would you have reacted if I told you I needed to disappear from here… to die so the people watching me wouldn’t go after you, Lia. How would you have handled that?” he growls, his hands resting beside my head, inches away from touching me.
“Least I would’ve known that you were alive and not fucking buried right now,” I scream at him.
“I had to die, to save myself and you, Amelia. I would rather you bury me then me bury you.” He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. His hand shifts to the side of my face, his thumb tracing over my cheek. “Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?” he asks again.
“If I did, would you have stuck around for me, for our daughter?”
“Lia.” He leans forward resting his head against the tree beside my head.
I knew the answer he wasn’t saying.
“For the reason I saw you with that other woman, Dante. That is why I couldn’t tell you. You wrecked me that night, seeing you with her.” I rest my head on the bark of the tree. “I found out that morning. I wasn’t feeling well, so I made an appointment to see the doctor and that, there was the perfect present to you for our anniversary.”
“I’m sorry for all the pain I caused you, Lia. The pain I made you feel as you cried for me at my funeral was the hardest thing I’d ever seen or done, and then you going through the birth of our daughter without me beside you. I had to disappear from your life, Lia. I wouldn’t be able to handle it if I lost you. I can’t forgive myself for the way I treated you. The way I left you behind, clueless as to why it all happened,” he whispers in my ear.
A sob broke from my lips. “You were here the day I watched your body descend into the ground, weren’t you. I felt you there with me, your eyes on me.”
“I was hidden at the back. No one would have known it was me. I wanted so badly to hold you in my arms, but I couldn’t. I never stopped loving you, Lia. I have, even if I wasn’t around to say it or show you.” He lifts his head up and away from me and looks down into my eyes.
He doesn’t say anything else he just stares at me. I lift my hand to his hair and run my fingers through it. Blond, not the black hair he used to have. “It has been you all along hasn’t it? You are Zane? You came into my life again and turn it upside down, being someone completely different, and making me love you all over again. Why Dante? Why would you do that? Why bother coming back into my life, knowing full well what you were doing?” I push at his chest as hard as I can and he backs away from me slightly.
“I needed to know you were safe from harm, Lia. I wanted to make sure you were far from the shit storm that’s happening around you. Plus, I needed to see you, be with you again, be with my wife,” he answers pushing his body up against mine, and then his lips are covering my own.
Our lips collide in an urgent frenzy, my hands tighten at the front of his shirt, holding it in a tight grip, not wanting to let him go as his tongue plunges into my mouth, entwini
ng together as one. I moan into his mouth as I dig my nails into his chest, wanting more of him. But I can’t allow him to take control over my body or my emotions like he once had done. I need to let him know how I feel about all this. What he’s done to me, to our relationship.
I pull my mouth from his and turn my head away, but this results in his mouth diving for my neck as he presses me further into the tree. I try moving away from him, but I’m held by his large body. My body is starting to betray my head, and I need to stop it from happening.
I dig my nails in harder to the point of pain until he shifts back. “Fuck,” he growls out.
“I can’t do this with you, Dante. You can’t come back from the dead and win my heart so easily again and to expect me to forget everything that has happened. I won’t allow it.” I push past him, needing air to breathe. Needing space away from him. I don’t get too far when he grips my arms. I come to a stop with his body flush behind me. Each breath he takes I feel it, every rise and fall of his chest against my back. His hot breath gushes near my ear, sending a shiver down my spine. I’m fighting against my body with what it wants the most and that is my husband standing behind me.
I turn to face him, dislodging his hand from me and step right in his face. “You were the most important person in my life, and you ruined it for me. You were my everything, Dante. I gave you my heart. I laid it your hands,” I choke out the words. “Every time I closed my eyes I saw you,” I sob softly. “I felt your touch on my skin each night. Your fingers gliding over my arm, or on my leg. Your breath against my ear. Even your body pressed behind me, as I cried for you, I felt you there with me.”
Shaking my head. “You tore us apart, Dante. You did that, not me. You walked away from me, from us. If you loved me as much as you say, you wouldn’t have hurt me like you did, Dante.”
He grips both my hands and placed them on his chest, over his heart. “I didn’t want to hurt you, Amelia, but with what was happening at the time, I needed to make a choice, and that choice was I had to fake my death in order to save yours.” He grips my hands and holds them to his chest tighter. “I still am your everything, Lia, and you are mine as well. I had to do what I needed to keep you safe. If I didn’t, they would’ve killed you to get to me. I loved you then and still do now. I never stopped loving you even when I wasn’t here with you.”