Empty Without You

by Roger Streitmatter

Dearest, I am so sorry. I wanted to telephone you but Elliott & Ruth came home with colds & he wanted to talk & before all my chores were done it was too late to telephone you for I felt with a cold you would go to bed early. I’ll try to do better to-morrow.

  I’m sorry dear, but I’ve given up coming up to N.Y. for the day on the 29th so I won’t have even a glimpse of you till early Feb. but things are just too complicated here. I’ve got to go to Arthurdale Sunday night but I don’t have to go to N.Y. for pleasure.

  Had my hair & nails done this morning, a lunch for 35 women, the Egyptian minister. I’m weary & good night, take care of yourself. I love you,

  E.R.

  The irony of the second paragraph of this letter is striking to anyone familiar with how Eleanor revolutionized the role of first lady.

  January 21st [1937]

  THE WHITE HOUSE

  Washington

  Dearest, Here all the excitements [of inauguration activities] are over & we are settling back a bit. I went around & thanked everyone to-day for they were all wonderful & when you think that 710 ate lunch & 2700 had tea & everyone so far tells me things moved smoothly I think everyone deserves a pat on the back. I confess that arrangments [sic] & people bothered me but even more my sense of 4 years more begining [sic] bothered me.

  Why can’t someone have this job who’d like it & do something worth while with it? I’ve always been content to hide behind someone else’s willingness to take responsibility & work behind them & I’d rather be doing that now, instead I’ve got to use my opportunities & I am weary just thinking about it! Well, we’ll live thro’ it!

  If you can’t make lunch Wed., can you make tea about 5 or 5:30 at the Biltmore [Hotel in Manhattan]?

  Good night, bless you & all my love,

  E.R.

  April 26th [1937]

  New York World’s Fair

  Dearest:

  Whew, what a day! There were mountains of mail when I got in this morning. My desk looks a good deal like yours, in Washington. And I’ve had today about as many interruptions as you have. Joe Baldwin24 sails for Europe Wednesday. And he shoved everything off on to me today with one big “swoosh.” He’ll be back June 15th. In the meantime he has no confidence in Joe Cohn25 so I’m to run the department, but be tactful and let Joe Cohn think he’s doing it. Which is the common lot of womankind!

  I must give myself a manicure and do some sewing.

  Good night, dear. I hope the speech goes well tonight.

  H

  Because of Eleanor’s hectic schedule, she was finding it difficult to find time to spend with Lorena, and Lorena continued to insist upon either seeing the first lady alone and away from the White House—or not at all. In early July, Eleanor had offered to go to New York to spend the last weekend of the month with Hick.

  [July 27, 1937]

  Val-Kill Cottage

  Dearest, You are going to think me an unmitigated ass & I deserve it. I never looked in my engagement book & I discover after all my planning that weeks ago I promised to go to a 3 county meeting in Poughkeepsie & speak at 3 p.m. on Sat. Can you forgive me & wait till Friday the 6th [of August]? I want so much to go & will be disappointed if we can’t. May I come to you for a night the end of August if the 6th doesn’t work out? Dearest, I know how upsetting my uncertainties have been & this is worst of all & I am so sorry, please try to forgive me.

  Much love darling,

  E.R.

  Lorena and her friend Howard Haycraft—he was twelve years younger than Lorena, and people often mistook him for her son—began renting a small house on Long Island as a weekend getaway. Sometimes they both stayed at the house; other times one of them had it alone and invited a friend along. As Lorena was writing this letter, her favorite high school teacher from Battle Creek, Michigan, was her guest. This was the first time Lorena used the stationery she had printed with “The Little House” across the top, bearing a curious resemblance to “The White House” stationery she had received so often during the previous four years.

  August 13th [1937]

  The Little House

  Moriches, Long Island

  My dear:

  Alicent [Holt] & I have just arrived out here, at 11:30, and I am weary. She arrived this morning to spend a couple of weeks with me. I don’t think I’ll ever invite anyone to visit me again. I think I want them, but I loathe it when they get here. Just haven’t the time nor the energy—nor the money—any more. And I don’t give a damn about anyone. I’m so tired out.

  I’m just about asleep. So—good night, dear.

  H

  August 17th [1937]

  Val-Kill Cottage

  Hick darling, You remind me so much of myself! You are letting yourself be driven largely by your own attitude & you can’t get rested because you feel inwardly irritated all the time! You really care for Allicent [sic] & do try to get some pleasure out of her visit. I think two weeks is rather long but you do get some privacy at the little house. I wish you’d come here & sleep a whole week end, I’d make sure no one disturbed you!

  Much love to you dear,

  E.R.

  Lorena was becoming despondent. In addition to having discovered that she despised public relations work, she also had been told by George Bye that, after she had worked on several sample chapters for her proposed book on the Depression, he did not see a market for it. But the major reason for Hick’s melancholy state was her concern about what she viewed as the continued deterioration of her relationship with the first lady.

  September 8th [1937]

  New York World’s Fair

  My dearest:

  I’m glad we had a chance to talk last night and this morning, dear. Not that we got anywhere much. But somehow we seemed closer. It’s this drifting—or seeming to drift—apart that bothers me so. I’ve tried hard to be perfectly acquiescent this summer—I think the feeling that I had to do most of the trying just got me down and completely discouraged. And I’ve hated the thought so of seeing you—or trying to see you—when you didn’t want to see me. Perhaps I was right. I may have been wrong. I don’t know any of the answers.

  I guess the only thing I really do know is that I love you, with all my heart. And that it’s a Hell of a lot harder to see you unhappy or listless than to be unhappy myself. All of which sounds like perfect twaddle.

  Here’s for brains that jell, dear. Keep your chin up! I love you very much.

  H

  [September 9, 1937]

  THE WHITE HOUSE

  Washington

  Darling, I’m glad too we had our talk. You don’t realize that I have not been to N.Y. without trying to see you, there is no use in you coming here to be miserable. I could go to you, but there has been a good bit to do here & I didn’t realize you felt we were drifting apart. I just take it for granted that can’t happen!

  I’m really not unhappy & listless so don’t worry. I think I just get annoyed with life as it is & my inability to change it for the moment!

  I must go to bed. Bless you & I love you too,

  E.R.

  Eleanor again began sending drafts of her articles to Lorena for editing. Asking Lorena for help may have been merely a gesture to make her feel needed, however, as Eleanor had been such a quick study as a writer that she no longer needed Lorena’s guidance. All Lorena could offer was praise. In the article that Lorena lauded in this particular letter, the first lady tackled the highly sensitive subject of divorce. She argued that before two people marry they should make sure they share the same interests. She also stated quite emphatically and—unbeknownst to most of her readers—from very personal experience, “Where children are involved, a divorce should be avoided, if possible, because a child has a right to both of its parents.” Ladies’ Home Journal published the article in April 1938.

  September 28th [1937]

  Dearest:

  I’ve just finished reading your article, and I think it’s swell—one of the best articles you’ve ever written on any subject. Go
sh, it packs some good hefty wallops, and I wonder how the president liked it. I’m proud of you, I am.

  It says things and states the case frankly & objectively. Congratulations.

  You know I love you, don’t you?

  H

  As soon as Harper & Brothers released Eleanor’s autobiography, This Is My Story was a hit with readers and reviewers alike. The New York Times called Eleanor’s book “vivid, interesting, touched here and there with humor, and arresting in its combination of frankness and charm.”

  November 21st [1937]

  New York World’s Fair

  Dearest:

  I read the notice in the Times today, and it is marvelous. I’m so pleased and proud. It does look as though at last you are coming into your own. Aren’t you pleased? You ought to be. I think the review is very sincere—an honest tribute to a real job.

  H

  Because Lorena had taken a pay cut when she accepted the World’s Fair job—from $6,000 a year to $5,200—and also was maintaining both her apartment in the city and, with Howard Haycraft, her house on Long Island, her finances were tight. So the first lady began giving Hick money as her birthday and Christmas gifts. Most of the checks were for $50 or $100, but some were for as much as $200.

  December 11th [1937]

  THE WHITE HOUSE

  Washington

  Hick darling, I think it may be a help for you to have the enclosed check now. If you just come on the 20th & we have a happy evening that is enough [Christmas] present for me & please don’t spend money on things for me, love means so much more & heaven knows you give me that 365 days in the year.

  Much love,

  E.R.

  After a year on the World’s Fair staff, Lorena finally admitted to Eleanor—reluctantly because ER had helped her get the job—that she despised public relations work. Lorena found the resolutely positive writing to be dishonest compared to the newspaper reporting she had loved. In this letter, Hick also alludes to a subject that would reappear more than once in her mind and her correspondence: suicide.

  December 28th [1937]

  New York World’s Fair

  Dearest:

  It’s been a very bad day, and I’m more completely disgusted with this outfit than I’ve ever been before. I’d quit tonight if I were sure of getting another job right away. But $100-a-week jobs don’t grow on every bush these days, so I guess I’d better keep calm. And there is no use in bothering you with all the details.

  I’m trying very hard to learn not to take this job seriously. The best way, I guess, is to live my life outside and give as little time and thought to the job as possible. But I loathe living that way. I want to be interested in my job, dammit, and do it as well as I possibly can. Oh, my dear, WHY can’t I be better adjusted to life? God knows, I try. But about 90 per cent of the time I’m out of step with life and miserable. I’ll not try to step out of it—at least not as long as I have enough to live on in fair comfort. And probably, even if I were broke and hungry, physical cowardice would keep me from finding a way out. But it’s been a miserably uncomfortable business, most of it, and I’m tired of it all and bored with past, present, and future.

  There, there, Hickok!

  I wonder where you are right this minute.

  I must powder my nose and get going. Much love, dear.

  H

  The article Eleanor mentions in this letter was about Washington’s cherry blossoms and was published by Reader’s Digest in April—without revision.

  January 6 [1938]

  THE WHITE HOUSE

  Washington

  Hick dearest, I have thought so much of you & your weariness & it seems so hard that life should be so little worth living to you when so many people love & depend on you but I have felt as you do & I keep hoping that someday things will change for you & seem more worthwhile.

  I am sending you another article which went out tentatively but may have to be lengthened & revised. I feel you are much too tired to be bothered with this stuff so don’t hurry about reading it. When you do[,] be as critical as possible!

  I have to go up to N.Y. to-morrow night & I’d like to see you but fear I won’t be long enough for even a glimpse. Bless you dear.

  I love you,

  E.R.

  As this letter attests, Hick continued to be frustrated by her job—and continued to express that frustration to ER.

  January 7th [1938]

  10 Mitchell Place

  New York City

  Dearest:

  I’m sorry I talked to you with such bitterness the other night. It wasn’t fair. But—since I did say it—it’s true. I’ve felt this way for nearly a year.

  I’m not entirely ungrateful [to be alive], dear. I do appreciate the affection and loyalty of my friends. And I try to pay them back in kind. But—oh, I don’t know. I’m just tired of it all. It isn’t worth the bother. I’ll get through this mess, and then there will be another—maybe worse.

  Well—I’ll try not to talk about it any more. You shouldn’t be such a good listener.

  The Associated Press called me today wanting to know where you were. I told them I had no idea!

  I would love to see you tonight. Poor Mrs. Nesbitt.26 But not poor Mr. Nesbitt. It’s all over for him, and tonight I envy him a little!

  Good night, dear, and God bless you!

  H

  [January 19, 1938]

  THE WHITE HOUSE

  Washington

  Dearest, I realize how unsatisfactory probably a week end here would be & so we’ll try for something else, perhaps part of your vacation?

  Of course dear, I never meant to hurt you in any way but that is no excuse for having done it. It won’t help you any but I’ll never do to anyone else what I did to you. I’m pulling myself back in all my contacts now. I’ve always done it with the children & why I didn’t know I couldn’t give you (or anyone else who wanted & needed what you did) any real food I can’t now understand. Such cruelty & stupidity is unpardonable when you reach my age. Heaven knows I hope in some small & unimportant ways I have made life a little easier for you but that doesn’t compensate.

  I must say goodnight, bless you dear, & much, much love,

  E.R.

  April 14th [1938]

  THE WHITE HOUSE

  Washington

  Dearest, We’ve just come up from F’s speech & I think it was good, if a bit arrogant in spots.27 He did not stir me but I may have been too tired or perhaps he can’t. Another busy day over, starting with [a] bunch of school children at 10:45, then press conference, column, lunch & talk to Congress [members’] wives & from 3:30-6 the strangest mixture of people in a steady stream. Everyone tells me how they feel[,] thinking it will seep through to F.D.R.[,] & of course I never tell him! Dinner on a tray as F. ate in bed & the others working on the speech ate late. At 8:30 spoke at American University & was back here to listen to F. at 10:15!

  I wonder what you are doing this week end? I hope you are going to the country for it is beautiful & spring like here.

  My hair is so straight that I have to get a permanent to-morrow instead of riding.

  Much love dear one,

  E.R.

  Eleanor wrote the next three letters while she was on a month-long speaking tour in the Midwest.

  [October 15, 1938]

  Hotel Robidoux

  St. Joseph, Missouri

  Hick dearest, It was nice to find your letter here & this looks like rather an interesting old place & after lunch we28 will drive about the town a bit. Lecture to-night on “Peace” is a difficult [topic] in the light of recent events & I’m just going over it to see what I dare to say.

  I doubt dear, if I’ll ever have the money to travel except on a money making basis such as lecturing or writing & I cannot imagine that you would enjoy it even if I were not the president’s wife for one does of necessity so much one does not want to do. We can take short motor trips when I have more time someday & those when I am no longer recognized whe
rever I go you will enjoy again.

  I do hope you are more comfortable to-day. Be careful of yourself & much love,

  E.R.

  Lorena had been having problems with her teeth. She was making weekly trips to the dentist, who was attempting to save three of her teeth while replacing the rest with an upper plate and a partial lower plate. Lorena was concerned that the dental bills would be so high that she would have to give up her car.

  [October 20, 1938]

  Hotel Northland

  Green Bay, Wisconsin

  Hick dearest, Sorry all this [dental work] is going to be costly as well as so painful but it is worth it. Don’t neglect the doctor or dentist again you pay more in the end. Don’t worry about the car, we’ll manage that for Xmas & birthday, as for Xmas presents I think nice letters are the nicest of all & you write the nicest letters I know! How about keeping Tuesday night, Dec. 20th to celebrate [Christmas] with me?

  The speech went well but they robbed the box office while I was speaking. Wisconsin has no state police however so it seems unlikely that they will catch the thieves.

  We have to be up & on the train at 7 a.m. so goodnight dear, don’t work so hard,

  E.R.

  Beginning the night of November 9, the Nazis conducted an orgy of violence against German Jews; they burned 191 synagogues, looted or destroyed 7,000 businesses, and subjected thousands of Jews to wanton violence and sadistic torment—killing nearly 100 people. In response to the event that became known as Kristallnacht (the night of broken glass), the United States ordered its ambassador to Germany, Hugh R. Wilson, to return to Washington.

  November 14th [1938]

  Netherland Plaza

  Cincinnati

  Hick dearest, I was relieved to know the teeth were out & I do hope you will feel much better but I hate to think of all your discomfort.

  This German-Jewish business makes me sick & when F.D.R. called to-night I was glad to know Wilson was being recalled & we were protesting.

  The speech went well to-night, then a reception was a bit long. We came home & had supper having eschewed dinner.

  I’ve been thinking of your being under a boss you don’t like & I hope he will soon be changed or couldn’t you be looking for a new job? Business is picking up this might be the time for you to start thinking out something you could build up for the future. Why not go & see Eddie Roddan29 in N.Y. & suggest a female side to national publicity they need it to help the states. N.Y. State has had little or no publicity for the women in this campaign.