by Lisa Carter
“Amelia knows.” It was getting harder to breathe. “I—I can’t talk about this right now.”
If she could make it to the church sanctuary, slip in unnoticed, calm herself…center herself and pray…
“What concerns me are the casualties you leave in your wake.” He snorted. “Weston Clark and his daughter don’t know you as well as I do.”
Her chest heaving, Caroline pushed past him. “I have to go.”
Thank God Weston and Izzie weren’t here to see her like this…
“You always have to go somewhere. Run away.” Her father stepped aside. “After all, it’s what you do best.”
In a straight trajectory, she bypassed the Sandpiper and headed toward the church. Her hands shook as she thrust the sanctuary door open. Inside, she stumbled to the front, thankful that in Kiptohanock no one locked doors.
Caroline sank onto the first pew and practiced taking even, steady breaths. She thanked God the church was empty and no one around to see her humiliation. She quieted her heart and emptied her mind of the fear.
She’d discovered that sometimes the stress of fearing the attack could actually bring on an attack. So she focused on the altar cross for a long moment until gradually the anxiety receded.
Closing her eyes, she remembered the joy of the morning when the turtles had been returned to their natural habitat. She relived the grittiness of the sand beneath her feet and the tangy taste of the salt in the air. She smelled the brine of the ocean and felt the cool lap of the water against her shins.
And God was good. He’d given her satisfying, work to do that made a difference. He’d brought her back to her seaside home where first He called her heart to a noble task. He’d given her friends here—old and new. Allowed her a chance to reconnect with her family.
She grimaced. Maybe not all of them. But God had also brought a certain redheaded little girl into her life. Along with her incredibly handsome and altogether wonderful father.
“I don’t deserve a future with them,” she whispered to the cross on the altar. But instead of the doubt she grappled with on a daily basis, peace flooded the aching places of her heart.
And she realized with no small degree of amazement that for once, she’d fought off the debilitating despair. The darkness and panic had retreated. For now.
She suspected she’d always battle anxiety. But today, she’d prevailed. Turned what had been once upon a time an inexorable tide. And hope swelled. Hope for a new beginning. Despite what her father believed, maybe her future did lie here in Kiptohanock.
Hope and healing within the cradle of the Eastern Shore. An image of a little redhead and the child’s ex-Coastie father rose in Caroline’s mind. The thought of her carnival date with Weston tonight set her limbs aquiver.
Perhaps it was time to let someone in, to share the deepest wounds of her heart. She needed to tell him everything about her past. She was taking a chance, given his history with his ex-wife. But a real relationship had to be based on honesty.
Secrets destroyed trust. But with Weston, for the first time in her life, Caroline was willing to risk everything by telling him the truth. Because despite her fear of his rejection, shining more brightly was the hope she glimpsed in his eyes of what could be.
*
Weston couldn’t stop his heart from pounding as he pulled to a stop outside Caroline’s cabin. He’d already dropped Izzie off at the main lodge with Max and Amelia. Nervous, he reminded himself he’d been a commander in the Coast Guard. He’d rescued people and run a small cutter.
Now he wished somebody would rescue him from the palpitations gripping his chest. He’d been out of the dating scene for a long time. But it was more than that, he knew.
This woman stirred his senses and had him daydreaming of a new life. Daydreaming when he should’ve been sanding floors and prepping drywall. Daydreaming of a woman with whom at long last, his heart might find safe harbor.
At his knock, Caroline answered the door and as usual, blew his breath away in denim shorts, Keds sneakers and a T-shirt, which read Southern Couture. The miniature green turtles on the shirt sported pink bows.
She smiled. “Hey.”
Weston leaned against the doorframe—mainly to recover. And tried for a studied, casual tone. “Hey, yourself. I like your shirt.”
He cocked his head. “Like Izzie said. Not either or, but both.”
Caroline laughed. “Thanks.”
“Ready for carnival fun?”
She closed the door behind them and followed him to his truck. “Will it involve cotton candy and foot-longs?”
He held the door for her. “I could arrange that. Seeing as how I’m such a big spender and all.” He grinned. “Next time I promise to do better.”
If ever there was an open invitation… He reddened beneath the collar of his shirt at his unaccustomed forwardness. But Caroline didn’t say anything either way.
Weston chose to take her shy, uncertain smile for an unspoken affirmative. No need to assume the worst. But he’d boarded drug submarines with less fear than embarking on this first date with a woman he couldn’t get out of his head. A woman who’d taken up permanent residence in his heart.
They arrived in Wachapreague in time to see the sun set over the marina. She gave a big sigh. He turned at the sound.
“It’s good to be home.”
“You’re happy here?” So much rode on her answer. Izzie’s happiness and his. Their future.
Caroline smiled at him. Her face lit with a glow he’d not seen that first day they met at the library. A glow to which he hoped he’d contributed.
“Yes, I am.” Her voice quivered. “I’m almost afraid to say it out loud. Afraid it might disappear.”
He found her hand and gazed deep into her eyes. “Me, too. Happy and scared.”
An impish smile hovered on her lips. “Only way to get over fear is to face it, head-on.” She winked at him. “Together?”
“Why do I get the impression I’m going to live to regret whatever it is you have in mind?”
She batted her eyelashes at him. “I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about. You’re not scared of a little fun, Eastern Shore–style, are you, Commander Clark?”
His lips quirked. “Bring it, Turtle Lady.”
“First, we need to eat before the cute kid contest begins.”
“Aye-aye, Dr. Duer.” He shuffled into line with Caroline at his side. “There’s a plan to enjoying the carnival?”
“Like invading Normandy.”
Amid the aroma of fried everything, he ordered a crab sandwich for himself and a hot dog for her. But selecting a picnic table amid Coastie friends from stations Wachapreague and Kiptohanock was his first mistake.
“Who’s the pretty lady, Commander?”
“What ya want with an old sea dog like that, ma’am?”
She laughed. He huffed. The bantering continued as church families and Auxiliary buddies strolled past.
He rolled his eyes. “Maybe our first date in such a public place wasn’t the brightest idea I’ve ever had.”
She smiled. “I love the way you’ve made a place for yourself here on the Shore.”
After they finished eating, he tossed the remains of their dinner into a garbage bin. “A walk on the beach after dinner at the Island House sounds like a better idea right about now.”
“This is perfect.” She threaded her arm through his and guided him toward the pavilion. “And I’ve got a surprise for you.”
She pointed to the grandstand as a troop of frilly-frocked little girls marched onstage. Izzie, included.
“What in the world?”
His daughter waved.
“She wanted to enter the Little Miss Carnival Queen contest.”
He pretended to groan. “Who is that carnival princess up there and what have you done to my not-afraid-to-get-dirty daughter?”
She play-smacked his arm. “Not either or, remember?”
“Why do I get the feel
ing my credit card has been involved?” He cocked his head. “And this is what she was doing when she went home with you after story hour this afternoon?”
“Girls’ Spa Day at the Lodge. Honey did Izzie’s nails. I did her hair. Besides, no pain, no gain.”
“Why is the pain always in my wallet?”
She hugged his arm. “Getting beautiful doesn’t come easy or cheap.”
He hugged her back. “Wouldn’t know it to look at you.”
“Did you charm your way to commander?”
He brushed his lips against her ear. “You know it.” And was pleased when she shivered a little at his touch.
“You’ll be happy to know the dress came via Honey from a consignment shop in Cape Charles. Not so expensive.”
“Duer women are a terrible influence on my child.” He groaned for real this time. “And exactly why is my fearless, doughnut-hurling daughter embarking on the beauty pageant circuit?”
“I heard about the Battle of the Long Johns last year. But rest assured, Izzie’s only doing this pageant because she wants to win the grand prize, an iPod. That and the sparkly crown.” She laughed.
“You’ve created a monster, Caroline Duer.”
But he was proud when Izzie—Isabelle Alice Clark, she informed the master of ceremonies—answered the questions and did her twirly thing on the platform.
The eight little girls took a seat in the chairs onstage while the judges tabulated the scores. Not to be outdone, Max—Izzie’s chief nemesis and compatriot in the mischief department—competed for Little Mr. Carnival King.
When Izzie’s and Max’s names were announced as winners, the crowd went wild. The crowd being Weston, Caroline, Amelia and Braeden. As the children posed for pictures with the Kiptohanock Banner and Eastern Shore News photographers, Izzie hoisted her trophy above her head. Max followed suit with his trophy. The two of them resembled a pair of Olympic champions. After lots of hugs and kisses, Weston sent Izzie off with the Scotts to eat dinner.
“No sugar,” Weston called after Braeden. “Or I’ll never get her to go to sleep tonight.”
Braeden smirked at him as he herded his family toward the food stands. “Same could be said for you, too, ol’ buddy.”
Weston flushed.
Caroline elbowed him in the gullet. “Now that your food has had a chance to settle…”
He crinkled his eyes at her. “That sounds ominous, Dr. Duer.”
The sun’s rosy glow had faded into the blue velvet dusk of night. Thousands of lights strung around the perimeter of the carnival sprang to life. A local band took center stage, and a soothing, thumping beat filled the air. Beach shag mixed with country twang. Foot-stomping fun.
If he could find his sea legs on a cutter in the Bering Sea, surely he could survive a dance or two without disgracing himself. He summoned his courage. “Would you like to dance?”
“Later.” She pulled him toward an enormous, spiraling iron tentacle creature.
His eyes widened. “The Black Spider?”
“Chicken?”
He jutted his jaw. “Absolutely not.” Which was kind of true. At least in regards to the carnival ride.
Whirling and spinning, she fell against him twice before he decided to make centrifugal force his friend. He pulled her tight against him in the seat. He was sorry to see the ride end.
She tugged him toward the carousel. “Let’s catch our breath.”
Caroline’s essence filled his senses. “I have a hard time catching my breath any time I’m with you.”
She brushed his cheek with her lips. “Choose your steed.”
His pulse did a staccato beat. “You choose for me.”
She selected a white-painted steed with a flowing mane for herself. He mounted the black stallion next to hers. As the music began, the carousel creaked into motion. The flying horses came to life, rising and falling. The gear work rode up and down the brass rod.
Across the aisle, he offered his hand and Caroline took it. Hand in hand, they went round and round to the old-fashioned tunes of the calliope. He was taken aback at the sight of himself and Caroline in the mirrors.
He looked happy. Caroline threw back her head and allowed her hair to cascade down her back. His vision wavered like the dimples in the antique glass.
Could you fall in love on a first date? Somewhere between meeting for the first time at the library and tonight, had love already happened? Could this be the woman for whom he’d searched his entire life? Was God giving him a chance at love again?
Chapter Twelve
Caroline couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt as carefree and happy. Maybe never. After the carousel, Weston bought cotton candy.
Later, they ended up on the dance floor amid other Eastern Shore couples beneath the twinkling lights of the carnival. But she saved the best for last—the Ferris wheel. They slipped into the seat as the carnival operator snapped the bar in place across them.
Upward, the car swung. They held hands as other passengers were loaded. Stop and then go. The car swayed. Up and over again.
Stars studded the night sky. The harbor lights glowed, outlining the harbor. Below, tiny beacons of light alleviated the darkness of the water and shoreline. Illuminating homes, where families lived together and loved each other.
From up here, she felt that she could see forever. Here, she could believe in forever. Love this man and his daughter forever.
Here, she could face another one of her fears head-on. As the counselor and the reverend had advised if she wanted to be free of the chains keeping her bound. To share with someone who mattered about the dark secret that haunted her.
God, help me. And dug her fingers into her palms.
She took a deep breath. “I have panic attacks, Weston. And I had a serious bout with depression.”
He turned from his contemplation of their Eastern Shore world.
She fretted the bracelets on her wrist. “When my mother died, I was about to graduate from Tech. At the funeral was the first time it happened.”
Caroline forced herself not to look away. To face her fear of disclosure. “I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. The pain, the grief, was so bad I had to get away for fear I might die, too.”
He sighed. “I know something about that level of grief.” He draped his arm around her shoulders. “I can understand why you felt you had to leave.”
“I wanted to die with her, Weston.” She flung out her hands. “I had this overwhelming urge to throw myself in the open grave with her. That’s when I knew I had to get away or…” She gulped.
He pulled her against him. In the solid buttress of his arms, his warmth, his strength enabled Caroline to say what she’d needed to say to someone for years.
“I was drowning emotionally. Daddy was lost in his grief, and my sisters were so torn up. I stopped calling because their sorrow only took me further into the black hole every time we talked. When I was offered a graduate fellowship, I moved farther away.”
She knotted her hands. “As long as I kept working and didn’t think about the grief, I managed to stay two steps ahead of the darkness.”
“Did it help?”
“Only for a little while. But hiding—masking—what I was feeling inside, I did reckless things. Things I’m ashamed of. Anything to climb out of the hole.” Her voice shuddered. “To escape the abyss. To feel better.”
“If only temporarily.”
She looked at him. A sea breeze ruffled his short-cropped hair. “I understand the empty places your wife tried to fill.”
He tensed. “You’re nothing like Jessica.”
“Sadly, Weston, I am.” She raised her eyes. “But I’m done with running. I hit rock bottom. Three years ago, I scared myself and Roland’s wife, Danielle. They forced me to get help.”
“What happened?”
Dark fear and nausea churned in her belly, fighting with her desire to tell him the truth. Would he distrust her after she shared what she’d done? Honesty ha
d forestalled any hope of a relationship she might have attempted in the intervening years with other men.
“I was hospitalized for a few weeks.” She studied the sparks of light glimmering across the shoreline. “The doctors diagnosed me with clinical depression after…” She edged away and put space between them.
He held on to her arm, refusing to let her drift far. “No matter what you say, Caroline, I—”
She wrenched free. “You need to see what I did.” She steeled herself and pushed the braided wristbands farther along her forearm. “I tried to kill myself.”
Weston gave a quick intake of breath at the sight of the pale, thin scar on her arm.
Her heart jackhammered as she waited for his reaction. She felt in that moment as if her whole life hung in the balance. His next words might decide the course of the rest of her life. Forever.
“That’s why you didn’t come home, isn’t it?” he whispered.
When she believed she might die from not being able to see into his eyes, he looked up and caught her gaze. The compassion in his face almost undid her.
“But afterward?” he rasped. “Why didn’t you come home later? Your family loves you. Family and God got me through what happened with Jessica.”
“I was sorry as soon as I’d done it.” Tears burned Caroline’s eyes. “I was ashamed at how weak I’d been. How broken. But how could God love me when I couldn’t even—” Her eyes flitted toward the distant horizon where the darkness and the ocean merged.
He touched her arm, lying upturned and exposed across her lap. “But to endure this alone…”
“You’ve met my dad and Amelia. The both of them, Duer tough. Which I am not. My family had enough to carry without having to deal with my problems. I’ve spent years in therapy confronting my grief and the past.”
She bit her lip. “But I’m a lot better. The darkness doesn’t come as often. Most times, like today, I’m able to avert the anxiety attacks. I’m so much better. Really well, Wes. Cured.”
“Which is why you finally came home. Now.”
“God gave me a second chance at life.” She lifted her chin. “This last year, because of my rediscovered faith I realized I had to come home, if only to finally face the last of my fears. To make amends to those I’ve hurt.”