by Jane Tesh
“Come on, Sean.”
The Snyders stalked down the porch steps to their car, got in, and drove away.
I turned to Jerry. His eyes were sparkling. “Why do you bait them like that?”
“Because they’re so damn serious about everything.”
“Geoff could wipe the floor with you.”
“No, he couldn’t.”
“You’ve spent so much of your life running away, I doubt you know how to make a fist.”
He did, threatening me with a grin. “Come on, give me your best shot.”
“Go get cleaned up. We’re due at the Amrys’ by seven.”
***
It didn’t take him long to get ready. After I convinced him his plain gold tie would look much nicer with his dark suit than the tie shaped like a rainbow trout, we drove out to Autumn Fields.
The Amrys’ home was a beautiful redwood house with a wraparound porch, set deep in a lush woodland. Shana met us at the door, radiant in a short red dress and golden jewelry. I heard Jerry gulp.
“Gosh,” he said under his breath as she led us through the living room to a candlelit dining room. “If I’d known the women in Celosia looked like this, I’d have moved here years ago.”
Hayden was in the dining room, rearranging the silverware. Twenty was helping him, oddly attractive in a short silver and lime-green kimono, red leather boots, and fishnet hose.
She came forward, her hand extended, bracelets jangling. “You must be Jerry Fairweather. Aren’t you brave to sleep in that haunted house?”
“I’m hoping it’s haunted,” he said. “I think it would be fun.”
“Well, you sound like my kind of guy.”
No, he’s my kind of guy, I wanted to say, but caught myself. If I started reacting to every innocent remark, my little secret wouldn’t be secret for long.
Shana said, “Twenty, why don’t you sit at the end, and I’ll put a man on either side of you.”
“Just the way I like it,” she said.
I sat next to Jerry and across from Shana. She raised her wineglass. “A toast, please, to new friends.”
“To new friends,” we all said. We clinked our glasses and drank.
“To new helpful friends,” Twenty said. “I just had the most amazing brainstorm. Jerry, you and Hayden would be perfect for my fashion show. Please say you’ll be in it.”
“A fashion show?” Jerry said.
“I’ve been after Hayden for months, but I bet he’ll do it if you will.”
Jerry looked to Hayden for an explanation. Hayden grimaced. “She wants me to model some suits.”
Shana joined in. “And I told her that was all right with me if she didn’t mess with his hair.”
Twenty sighed. “Oh, come on. I just want to spike it up a little. It’s not like I’m going to color it blue or something.”
Jerry grinned. “You can spike mine. It’s already out of control.”
“Really? That would be so cool!” She leaned over to press Hayden’s arm. “Come on, Hayden. I won’t do anything to your hair. Just come model a couple of suits. You’d look so good in black.”
Hayden didn’t look convinced. “So you want me to wear a suit and walk around in front of a bunch of people? This sounds suspiciously like a Mr. Celosia Pageant.”
“Oh, my, no. This is a legitimate fashion show of Antoine Largen’s new fall line.”
“Fall? It’s July.”
Twenty looked at me and shook her head. “They have no clue. Guys, in the fashion world, you have to be months ahead.”
“Well, I’ll do it,” Jerry said. “Just tell me when and where.”
“Excellent! We have a rehearsal in two weeks, and the show is the last day of July. I have a dark blue suit that would look great on you, and a gray that you were born to wear.”
Hayden was still thinking about it. “Two suits? That’s all?”
“Yes, dear, a dark blue and a black. Please say yes. I may put you and Jerry in black at the end. You’ll look good together because you’re the same height.”
“I think Hayden’s a little taller,” I said, and Jerry gave my arm a punch.
I had noticed similarities between Hayden Amry and Jerry. They were about the same size. They both had youthful faces brightened by expressive eyes. But Hayden had a distracted air; he seemed anxious, even about something as simple as modeling a few suits. His every move was careful and deliberate. I vastly preferred Jerry’s cheerful demeanor. His movements were quicker, more decisive, and he certainly smiled more. As much as I admired Hayden’s blue-green eyes, whenever Jerry looked at me with his calm gray gaze, I still felt that sudden jump in my pulse.
Suddenly, something made us all jump, a jarring noise from somewhere on the front porch.
“What in the world was that?” Shana said.
“Are you expecting company?” I asked.
“No. Hayden?”
He was already on his feet. Another thump. “I’ll go see.”
“I’ll come with you,” I said, and Jerry followed me.
We stepped out onto the porch. A mild breeze sent a few leaves scurrying across the lawn. The moon shone faintly behind the clouds. Nothing else. No movement in the forest.
“Theo?” Hayden said.
A shape darted around the corner of the porch, small, humped, alien.
Hayden reacted with alarm. “Oh, my God. Another one!”
The shape was too large for a dog and moved with a curious sideways motion. It headed toward the back of the house.
“Another what?” Jerry asked.
Hayden spoke in a panicked whisper. “She’s sent something after us, an evil creature to do her bidding, a familiar, a demon.”
Jerry brightened. “A demon? Hot damn.”
We followed the shape. It stopped at one of the side windows. It was bigger than I’d first thought, and it was hunched over the sill doing—doing what? It moved on, heading for the dining room windows.
Hayden was shaking. “How can we stop it?”
Something crunched under our feet. I bent down and touched a grainy powder. The same substance was all over the window frame.
“Is it cocaine?” Jerry asked me.
“Why would anyone sprinkle it on the window sills?”
“We have to stop this creature,” Hayden said.
The figure turned the corner of the porch and halted just before the light spilling out of the dining room windows. We heard Shana call, “Hayden, is that you thumping around out there?”
He cried, “Don’t come out!” but she had already pushed open the French doors and stepped out onto the porch, face to face with the mysterious prowler. Twenty was right behind her. Shana screamed. The creature swerved, saw us coming up behind, and made a mad dash past Shana and Twenty into the dining room.
Shana ran after it. “Get out of my house!”
Twenty came next, shouting for Shana to leave the burglar alone. We ran back around the porch and in the front door, hoping to intercept the creature. We did better than intercept. We ran right into it. Yellow light flashed as if a gigantic camera had taken a group shot. When my vision cleared, I found everyone on the floor. Shana was coughing and waving smoke away with one of the sofa cushions, her dress smudged and her hair in wild disarray. Twenty was charred around the edges, her face outlined in smoke, her hair and clothes so tangled, I could hardly tell where hairdo began and outfit ended.
Jerry blinked from his soot-smeared face. “Is everybody okay?”
Hayden was sitting on the creature. “Bummer!” he said in surprise.
At first, I thought he was making an astute observation. Then I saw he was talking to the man I’d seen in the bookstore.
“What are you doing here?” Hayden asked him.
The little man was shaken. “Told you I’d come. Get rid of the ghosts, remember?”
The grainy substance. Bread crumbs.
Hayden glanced at Shana. She’d gotten to her feet, her hands on her hips and fire in her eyes. He stood and
pulled Bummer to his feet. “What are you doing here?”
“This is Friday, ain’t it?” Bummer said.
“No, this is Thursday. My wife and I have dinner guests, as you can see. What the hell was all that light and noise?”
Bummer took a pack of firecrackers out of his pocket. “Loud noises scare ’em away, too.”
“Don’t tell me you thought we were ghosts,” Shana said.
Jerry wiped his face with his handkerchief and grimaced at the streaks of black. “What’s going on? What kind of ghosts do you have around here?”
Shana’s voice was tightly controlled. “This unfortunate man is a town character and one of Hayden’s many screwball friends. This was a cute little prank, Mr. Stevenson, but I think you’d better go now.”
“Want me to come back tomorrow?”
“No,” Hayden said. “Did you walk all the way over here? Let me take you home, and you can explain what to do. I’ll handle it from there.”
Bummer shrugged. “Well, all right, if you think that’ll do it.”
“It certainly will,” Shana said.
Hayden drove Bummer home. By the time he came back, we had cleaned our faces and attempted to straighten the living room.
We sat down at the dining room table to finish our dinner. Shana poured everyone another glass of wine. “Honestly,” she said. “You see what I have to put up with? Hayden, explain again why he was here.”
“He got the days mixed up.”
“He got the days mixed up. You were planning to explode firecrackers in the house, only not today?”
“No, there weren’t supposed to be any explosions. I thought he was just going to sprinkle some bread crumbs.” The minute the words left his mouth, we knew he was doomed. Shana’s eyes narrowed to dangerous slits, and when she spoke, her voice was deadly calm.
“Bread crumbs?”
“It sounds crazy. I know it does. Bummer was only trying to help. You know how he is.”
“No, but I know how you are. You’re insane.”
“Hayden,” I said, “what did you mean when you said, ‘Oh, no, another one’? Have you been bothered by prowlers?”
“And who’s Theo?” Jerry asked.
Hayden glanced at Shana, who sighed. “Go on and tell them the whole ghost story.” He hesitated. “Go ahead. It’ll be like dinner and a movie.”
“All right.” He stood and paced as if to work up his nerve. “It’s like this. I’ve seen two ghosts in this house. One is a woman. She calls herself Portia. She’s very beautiful, but she’s very eerie-looking. She has very black hair and eyes like black holes. She’s been telling me the oddest story.”
Jerry sat up straighter. “Wait a minute. Does she wear a long white dress?”
“Yes, a sort of old fashioned gown.”
“I’ve seen her! Mac, that’s the ghost I saw yesterday.”
“Please don’t encourage each other,” Shana said.
Jerry was thrilled. “Black hair, black eyes, white gown. That’s her.”
“Was there another ghost with her?” Hayden asked. “It would look like a large lizard or dinosaur.”
I could tell Jerry was disappointed he’d missed that one.
“No, just the woman.”
“The other ghost is Theo. He’s trying to keep Portia from harming anyone. They’re old enemies. She’s told me all of this.”
Jerry was full of questions. “Are they always together? Where did they come from? When did you first see them?”
“I think they came from an alternate universe.”
“Oh, man, this is great! Where’s the portal?”
“It must be somewhere in the woods.”
The two men must have sensed our disbelief, because they stopped talking. When they paused to look at us, I’m sure my expression mirrored Shana’s.
Hayden said, “Well, that’s what Portia told me.”
Shana sighed again. “Where did we go wrong, Madeline? Jerry looks so normal, and I really thought I’d married a sane man.”
“But this is perfect,” Jerry said. “I need some ghosts for the house.”
“Not Portia,” Hayden said. “She has an awful lot of teeth.”
“Teeth?” Jerry said. “She looked beautiful to me.”
“Oh, yes. At first, she looks beautiful and serene. But don’t let her kiss you. Her kisses are so cold.”
“Oh, now she’s kissing you?” Shana said.
“The other night when I was so cold. You remember.”
“You kicked all the covers off.”
He shivered. “It was that first nightmare. I get cold just thinking about it.”
Jerry gave me a worried glance, but Shana rolled her eyes. “I think we’ve bored our guests long enough with this nonsense. Let’s have cake and coffee and try to salvage some of the evening.”
Then Hayden said something else. “I was thinking Cynthia Riley could perform an exorcism.”
Shana went so still I knew this had to be a major Foot-in-Mouth Moment.
“Oh, that’s perfect,” she said. “Cynthia Riley can come waltzing in anytime she likes, and you call it an exorcism?” She pushed herself up from the table and pointed a finger in his face. “You bring that woman in here and I’ll skin you alive.”
“Shana, for goodness sake,” Hayden said.
“I’ve seen the way she looks at you! I don’t have to be psychic to know what’s on her mind.”
I exchanged a glance with Jerry. This conversation was rapidly getting out of control.
Hayden said, “But I don’t care anything about Cynthia Riley. That’s ridiculous. Now who’s having a problem with her imagination?”
Twenty’s eyes went wide. She gave a nervous little giggle. Shana’s face was as red as her hair. I thought Hayden was well on his way to becoming a ghost, but Shana took a deep breath and smiled.
“Why don’t you write this story down? I think that would cure anyone’s writer’s block.”
He gave her an apologetic look. “I promise I won’t hire Cynthia Riley.”
“Thank you.”
“You could hire me,” Jerry said brightly.
“Thank you, Jerry.” She gave Hayden a sidelong glance. “But since there are no evil spirits in our house, you’d be wasting your time. Hayden, sweetie, would you get the dessert?”
When Hayden went into the kitchen, Shana explained that he’d been chosen to write a special poem for the dedication of the new elementary school, and she thought that was preying on his mind.
“Nightmares I can take. Nervousness, a little stress, okay. But when he starts inviting his loony pyromaniac customers to the house to sprinkle bread crumbs, I simply have to draw the line.”
“But I saw Portia, too,” Jerry said. “Maybe I’m picking up vibes from Hayden.”
I ignored this. “When did he start seeing these ghosts?”
Shana folded and unfolded her napkin. “About a month ago, he started hearing Portia. Then he started having nightmares about her. I have to confess I’m worried. If he could just start writing again, I know that would help. He puts too much pressure on himself.”
Jerry hadn’t given up. “What if I hold a séance here at the house and tell Portia to get lost?”
“No,” Shana said. “I don’t want anyone encouraging him.”
“Here we go,” Hayden said, returning with a large cake. “Hope you like chocolate.”
To be a good guest, Jerry limited his conversation to his remodeling plans, but I could tell he really wanted to discuss communicating with Portia. We finished our cake and coffee. Shana saw us to the door. “I’m sorry the evening exploded,” she said, “but you got an excellent demonstration of why I’m so worried.”
“I’ll come back tomorrow morning and look around,” I said. “It’s probably the same pranksters who keep stealing our cereal.”
“But why target Hayden? He’s never done anything to anyone.”
“They might be trying to get to you.”
; “Me?”
“Somebody’s who’s jealous of your success might want to disturb your life so you can’t concentrate on your writing. The best way to do that is by attacking someone close to you.”
She was plainly taken aback. “I can’t imagine anyone who’d do that.”
“That’s what I can find out.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow, then. Good night, Jerry. Don’t let anything get you, either.”
“I won’t,” he said. “I’ve got a real good bodyguard here.”
***
“I’m flattered,” I said as we got in the car.
“What?”
“Your remark to Shana.”
“Oh,” he said. “I know you can take care of yourself and me. We’ll catch this weird woman or whatever she is.” Then he quoted from Ghostbusters: “‘We have the tools; we have the talent.’ Or you do, at least. That was pretty impressive back there.”
It was my turn to say, “What?”
“Well, you sounded very professional.”
“Thank you.” My cell phone beeped. “Hello? Oh, hello, Ted.” I avoided Jerry’s eye. “Lunch tomorrow? That would be fine. Okay, I’ll meet you there.” I turned off the phone.
Jerry sang, “‘Here comes the bride.’”
“Don’t be ridiculous. It’s just lunch.”
He started the car and drove down the Amrys’ driveway. “But don’t you see, Mac? It isn’t just lunch. It’s Fate. You were meant to find Reid Kent messing with your answering machine. You were meant to come to Celosia and find the man of your dreams.”
I’m sitting in the car with him, I wanted to say. “Ted Stacy is a suspect.”
“Even better. When you clear him of all charges, he’ll be really grateful.” He wiggled his eyebrows. “Or you could get lucky tomorrow.”
“You’ll be lucky if I don’t smother you in your sleep tonight.”
“Listen to your friendly neighborhood oracle. I still say it was meant to be.”
Some oracle. He couldn’t see past the best friend. “Just promise me one thing.”
“Sure.”
“Don’t go as far off the deep end as Hayden. He needs serious help.”
Jerry drove toward town. “Yeah, maybe he’s believing a little too much. But what if it’s true? What if there really is an alternate universe?”
“Then you’ll be the first one to fall through to the other side.”