Right now, I am so full of hatred and bitterness that I’m losing all self-control. In a matter of seconds, I begin throwing a huge tantrum like some little kid who doesn’t get his way. I start by tossing the pillows from the couch across the room, not caring what falls to the floor. I fling my arms around sending the lamp crashing to the floor taking with it several things that were beside it on the end table. I snatch a few pictures that are hanging on the wall and throw them across the room as well. And since there is no electricity, I do the same with the television. I flip over the table it’s sitting on and all the movies and cds go tumbling to the floor. I have myself a good time kicking them all over the room and jumping up and down on them, hearing the crunch of the plastic cases that once protected them. Stupid bitch should have taken them with her when she left. I pick up the inexpensive coffee table and chunk it in the direction of the patio door. Glass shatters and the hanging blinds sway back and forth.
Moving on to the kitchen, I open all the cabinet doors and drawers and toss anything I find. Before long, the room is littered with pots and pans, glasses and cups, bowls, plates, silverware. You name it, it’s all on the floor. Although I don’t feel any better by doing this, I am releasing my frustration. No one is going to pull a fast one over on me and get by with it. Both rooms looks like a tornado has touched down.
And then I snatch the microwave and with as much force as I can use, I throw it towards the hallway door. With a loud bang, it hits the door putting a big gash in it before landing in the floor. The microwave door pops open and the glass turntable inside slides halfway out.
With one quick sweep of my arm, everything on the kitchen table is flung across the room. The anger is building inside me and I’m about to burst.
Going in to the bedroom, I grab my duffel bag and start grabbing a few things that are hanging in the closet that are still clean and toss them on the bed. Since I’ve not had any electricity to do laundry, the remaining clean clothes I have are starting to get sparse. Looking around, I see all the things Jennifer left behind. Stupid spoiled bitch. If the girl hadn’t owned so many clothes, you would never know she had packed and left. One would honestly think she’s still living here. Why does one person need so many clothes?
I cram as many things inside the bag as I possibly can forcing the zipper to close. I still have on my clothes and shoes from last night and don’t bother changing into something clean. Glancing around the room, a thought occurs to me as I lay eyes on Jennifer’s jewelry box that sits beside the bed on the night stand. I pull out a few drawers and finger through a couple of things. Most of this stuff appears to be cheap costume jewelry or sterling silver, but I do come across a few things that may be worth a couple of bucks. I also see the bracelet I gave her for Christmas. I hold it in my hands as I contemplate whether or not I should take it. Hell, it’s not like she’s coming back here. I stuff as much of the jewelry as I can in my pocket.
I rip the sheets from the bed and stand the mattress up on its end. Right now, I could care less the way the apartment looks. I pity the person who’s going to clean it up but it damn sure isn’t going to be me.
I grab my bag and head for the front door. One quick glance around the apartment and I’m still shocked at the mess I’ve made. I hear feet moving from the apartment directly overhead and I have to wonder if they’ve paid any attention to the racket I’ve been making. I don’t bother closing the door behind me. The sun is blinding my eyes and I bring my arm up to shield my eyes as I stand on the edge of the sidewalk. I really enjoyed staying here at the apartment and was starting to feel like this was my home, but it’s all over with now.
I toss my bag in the backseat and back the car out from my parking spot. As I stop at the end of the driveway deciding which direction to take, I see two cop cars getting in to the turn lane to pull in to the complex. I’m fairly certain these guys are headed to check out the commotion I was causing. I timed this just right by leaving when I did. As soon as they turn in front of me, I quickly turn the opposite direction and accelerate quickly.
I’ve got less than a quarter of a tank of gas and it should get me to the next town that’s about thirty minutes away. I don’t need to stop here and give the cops a chance to track me down.
I can’t stand living like this any longer. I need to get a grip on my life. I need to make some important decisions and start doing something right for a change. There is no way I can continue living on the run.
When I get to the next exit, I look for a pawn shop. Hopefully, I can get enough cash out of the little bit of jewelry I swiped. It’s too bad I ruined the TV and all of those movies and cds. If nothing else, I could have sold them to an individual. Twenty or thirty bucks would have been better than nothing. Well, if I’m lucky, maybe the pawn shop will offer me enough money so I can buy a tank of gas and hopefully something to eat.
I spent a good part of the morning having some much needed girl talk with Todd’s mom, Beth. Even though she is close in age to my own mother, I can’t tell you how good it felt just to have some adult interaction. We talked about the baby and the changes my body has gone through since becoming pregnant; the classes I’ve taken at school and my plans for finishing my degree; the types of jobs my parents held before they retired; and what my plans are for the future. The one subject we didn’t discuss though was Todd. It was like spending time with Rebecca, only Beth is older and wiser and hearing all of this for the very first time.
Beth brought up when she was pregnant (all those years ago she reminded me) and how having a baby impacted and strained her marriage to Rick, but it was the greatest thing in the world and she wouldn’t have done it any differently.
Although it’s somewhat embarrassing, I did go into more detail about Brian and how we met. Then, I ended up telling her about last night and the latest stunt with the phone call from Rebecca’s phone. Beth had no idea I was dealing with this much. It’s no wonder I looked tired all of the time. She assured me both she and her husband were there for me and if I ever felt scared I was more than welcome to come up to the main house.
By mid-morning I figured I should be getting back down to the guest house so Beth could tend to the things she needed to do. I always keep the house tidy so there was little housework for me to do. After all, how dirty can it get with just one person living there? I grab my kindle and settle down on the couch to read. In no time at all, I’m sound asleep.
Shortly after two in the afternoon, a knock on the door wakes me from my nap. I must have been in a very deep sleep because it takes me a moment to focus. I walk to the door figuring it must be Beth. Instead, I find an older lady standing outside on the porch holding a pretty arrangement of flowers.
“Can I help you?” I ask.
“Yes, I have a delivery for Jennifer Collins.” The lady has a very pleasant tone. “Are you Jennifer?”
“Yes ma’am. But I’m not expecting any flowers.” I politely tell her.
“Honey, that’s what most people say. I just need you to sign my clipboard and I’ll be on my way.” She tells me as she passes over the clipboard that has a pen attached to it by a string.
I sign my name and she hands the flowers over to me. The vase is filled with beautiful sunflowers and I can’t help but notice how gorgeous they are. I set them down on the kitchen table and stare at the card that is attached.
Curiosity is getting the better of me, so I pull the envelope from the stick and slide my finger under the sealed flap. Holding my breath, I carefully pull out the card. I allow my eyes to roam over the card before reading it and I can’t help but smile when I see who the delivery is from. Todd.
“I thought you might need a little something to brighten your day. Thinking of you. Todd”
I reread the card several more times before placing it down on the table next to the arrangement. This is a nice surprise for sure. I never would have expected flowers from Todd.
I find my phone and sit down at the table. I know I should call him to thank
him, but the thought of doing so sends butterflies through my stomach. If I’m getting all jittery about flowers from him, could there be a reason why? I decide to send him a text instead.
Me: Not sure the occasion, but the flowers are beautiful. Thank you for thinking of me.
Almost instantly, I have a reply.
Todd: Just thought you deserved a little something for the special person that you are.
Me: Thank you again.
Todd: Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?
Me: Seriously?
Todd: Yes. Seriously. I feel like I’ve neglected you lately. How does 7 o’clock sound?
Me: Perfect.
Todd: See you then.
Me:
As I place the phone down on the table I notice my hands are trembling. I must admit his texts have put a big smile on my face and changed the depressed mood I’ve been in lately. I desperately need to get out of here for a little while because I’m going crazy staying in every single day. The only time I venture away from here is for doctor appointments and quick trips to the grocery store.
I can’t believe Todd just asked me out for dinner. I go back and reread the texts again just to make sure I read them correctly. Todd has turned out to be such a good friend.
I decide to do something for myself that I have not done in quite a long time. I slip on a pair of sandals and grab my purse and keys. I remember seeing a nail salon on one of my trips into town so I do my best to remember the exact location of it. Since my belly has gotten so much bigger, I’ve sort of neglected polishing my toe nails. The only thing missing is my best friend. We always had girl time together getting manicures and pedicures.
I find the nail salon with no problem and grab a parking spot not far from the entrance. Apparently I’ve come in at a good time because the ladies take extra special care of me once they notice my protruding stomach. The massage chair is so relaxing I find myself wanting to fall asleep but I don’t think this is the most appropriate place to take a nap. The staff is super nice and I’m so happy to be having fun conversations for a change. I’ve definitely needed this bit of relaxation time.
When I’m done, I’ve still got a little bit of time left before I need to head back home. So I walk down the side of the street and stop by a little baby boutique shop that I noticed a couple doors down when I was parking the car. I’ve bought just a few things for the baby but I’ve really not done much to be prepared for the baby’s arrival. The last time I spoke to my mom she told me she had started buying baby things for me and she couldn’t wait to share all of them with me. My mom said she would be back in about two weeks and we could do more shopping then. She and my dad have plans to set up temporary residence at an RV park located about ten miles outside of town. They will stay here until after the baby is born, then probably for another six to eight weeks so my mom can help out. Even though I know I’m going to need all the help I can get, Todd’s mom said she would also be able to help as well. I know Beth is looking for excuses to stay home more instead of being at the pharmacy.
Both my mom and dad like this quaint little town and I have to admit, even though it’s smaller than what I’m accustomed to, it seems like a great community to raise a family. I’m hoping to one day meet someone close in age to myself or even someone who has young children. I can’t stay cooped up in the house forever. I believe once I’m able to start making friends, I’ll feel better about everything.
I glance around the little shop and I’m amazed at all the cute baby items. Some items appear to be homemade with their smocking and stitching. I want to buy one of everything but I know that’s not feasible or wise. I remind myself the baby will still be fine wearing normal baby clothes instead of these elegant designer items. Still, it doesn’t hurt to imagine my baby wearing them.
It’s so hard to believe that in a few shorts weeks my life is going to change drastically. I miss spending time with my mom, especially for special occasions like this one, but it’s the way it’s got to be right now. I also hate I won’t be able to enjoy having a baby shower with all of my old high school friends and co-workers, but if it means staying out of harm’s way and from Brian, then I’m willing to sacrifice all of these memorable experiences. This wasn’t the way I would have wanted any of it to happen, but neither was getting married to Brian either.
There are so many precious baby items I would love to have but I settle for one outfit. It’s a simple pink cotton dress that has ducks stitched around the collar. The dress is fancier than anything I’ll probably ever need for the baby, but there’s something about it that causes my heart to flutter. Speaking of fluttering, the baby has been very active these last few days. Once I got used to the sensations the baby was causing throughout my body, it was really neat to watch the little bumps that would form across my belly when I became very still. I try not to think about experiencing all these things alone—I should be sharing them with a husband. But the only thing I want to happen right now is Brian becoming my ex-husband. And the sooner it happens, the better off I will be.
When my dad and I spoke with the attorney, she assured me it would eventually all work out for me, but I should expect a few bumps in the road. I guess Brian taking Rebecca’s phone was one of those bumps. And I’m pretty sure because he had been served the divorce papers, it’s probably what set him off.
I’m still keeping my fingers crossed that Brian will just sign the papers and we can put this marriage behind us. I’m confident with myself that I can raise the child just fine without him. In fact, I’m glad he won’t be in the picture. I would hate for his bad habits to negatively affect the baby and me.
Am I asking for too much for him to sign the papers without a fight?
I have no plans to put his name on the baby’s birth certificate. And by doing this, he will not be part of the baby’s life. I will give up any and all future support he may try to offer, but it’s what I want. He has shown me time and time again how little he cares and someone like him hasn’t earned the right to be called a father. I know my baby didn’t ask for things to be this way, but once she is older, hopefully she will have a better understanding of how things needed to be.
And being a single parent right now doesn’t mean the baby will not have a father later on. But right now, if I can ever get through this failed marriage, I will think long and hard before making this kind of lifelong commitment again.
I glance down at my watch and realize I’ve spent way too much time in the shop. I finish with my transaction and walk back to the car.
I get back home and run upstairs to pick out something to wear tonight. I’m very limited on outfits I can wear, but that’s okay. There was really no sense in buying very many maternity clothes. I’m okay with mixing and matching the ones I do have because, hopefully, I won’t be needing them again for a pretty long time. And I really have not had a need to have more than just a few outfits since I don’t have very many places to go right now. I do try to make sure I wear the nicest outfit for my doctor’s appointments and it’s the outfit I settle on wearing tonight. I’m not sure exactly what Todd has in mind for out date tonight other than dinner, but I think my black legging pants and oversized printed top paired with my favorite pair of sandals will be perfect.
I like the friendship I have with Todd and if my situation were different, it might be nice to pursue something with him, but right now, unfortunately, I’m still married and I’m just not at a place in my life where I need to be worried about finding another man. I’ve got a baby on the way and that is my primary focus right now. I never would have guessed I would be a single parent, but these days, women are raising children on their own and doing a damn good job of it.
After showering, I fill the tub with water and decide to add in some bubble bath. I try to get as comfortable as I can in the tub considering it’s not easy climbing in and out. I soak in the fragranced water for a while allowing my body to relax. When my skin starts to get all wrinkled from being in the wa
ter too long, I carefully climb out of the tub. After drying off with my fluffy towel, I grab a bottle of lotion that’s the same scent as the bubble bath and apply it all over my body. I’ve tried to make sure I regularly apply a good moisturizer to my stomach area but I don’t think I’m going to be able to avoid stretch marks. Hopefully, everything will go back in place once the baby arrives, stretch marks included.
I go ahead and get dressed and pick out a necklace to wear. I regret not bringing more of my jewelry along with me, but because I left so suddenly, I really wasn’t concerned about any jewelry at the time. I left some really nice pieces behind that I’m sure I’ll never see again. I thought about having Rebecca stop by the apartment to get my jewelry box when Brian was out, but now that we’ve reached this point and everything that’s happened, I would never want to put Rebecca at risk.
Once I know Brian is completely gone from the apartment, then I’ll feel better about Rebecca getting a few of my things, but until then, I’m not going to worry about what I left behind. So many things can be replaced but a life can’t.
It shouldn’t be much longer before Brian is gone. Now that the papers have been delivered, my father notified the leasing office at the apartment, and the process for getting him evicted has begun. It shouldn’t be long now before the locks are changed and Brian will no longer have access to the apartment. I’m thankful I won’t be there to see his outburst once this eventually happens. Now, it’s just a waiting game until he signs the divorce papers. He could sign them right then or he could drag it out for as long as he wants to, but I hope and pray it happens sooner rather than later. I hate it for him but he really screwed up a good thing. I can’t spend my life worrying about him.
Never Look Back (Coming Home Book 2) Page 9