by Ivy Blake
With Hawk, however, there were a few decorative pieces as well as a fresh coat of paint.
“The place looks nice,” I said.
“Took some work after Dad died,” he said.
“What’s your name?” Emery asked.
“My name?” Hawk asked.
“Yeah.”
“Hawk. What’s yours?” he asked.
“Emery.”
“Well, Emery. It’s really nice to meet you,” he said.
“You have my color eyes,” she said.
I froze, the beer bottle tipped up at my lips as Hawk slowly threw his gaze my way. I knew there were questions he deserved answers to. Questions he would eventually ask before I could even consider asking if we could stay. He deserved all those answers, but I didn’t want to do any of that in front of Emery.
She wasn’t ready for that just yet.
“Would you like to go play outside?” Hawk asked.
“Mommy? Could I?” she asked.
“Of course, sweetheart. Just stay where I can see you.”
Emery took her milk outside and went to lay on the grass. She could spend hours looking up at the sky and naming all the shapes in the clouds she saw. I walked over and stood by Hawk while the both of us sipped our beers, and after a few minutes, he finally broke the silence.
“What do you mean ‘you have nowhere else to go’?” he asked.
“Mom’s dead, and we’re on the run,” I said matter-of-factly.
“You’re gonna have to unpack that a bit,” he said.
“You know how my father said my mom died?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said.
“Well, she didn’t. He just said that so she could go live her life.”
“Oh.”
“Those letters I always wrote as a kid? You remember ‘em?” I asked.
“Yep. I remember you stuffin’ ‘em away so I couldn’t see them,” he said.
“They were to her.”
“Oh.”
His eyes were trained heavily on Emery. He watched her lay there in the grass and giggle at the clouds. He watched her roll around and run in circles. He wanted her to entertain herself and study the bugs on the ground.
And I could’ve sworn the shadow of a grin was wafting across his face.
“She’s just fine by herself, isn’t she?” he asked.
“Yep. Reminds me of someone I know,” I said.
“She’s mine, isn’t she?” he asked.
I turned towards him and downed the rest of my beer. He turned his head but kept his body towards his daughter, silently showing where he already stood regarding his loyalty. I couldn’t blame him. Not after leaving him in the middle of the night like I did. If he never wanted to see me again, I wanted to make sure his daughter had access to him. Access to both parents.
Something I never had growing up.
“I swear to you, I didn’t know I was pregnant when I left,” I said.
“Why did you leave?” he asked.
“I just…”
Tears rose in my eyes as I recalled how much blood there was. How much blood my father bled out into the sand. How much blood had gurgled up into his throat. How much blood he’d spat onto my clothes.
How the life slowly drained from his eyes.
“I get it. Don’t worry,” he said.
“I’m sorry, Hawk,” I said, whispering.
“I take it you went to live with your mother,” he said.
“In Utah, yeah.”
“You said she’s dead. I’m sorry,” he said.
“It happens. Cancer. Took her as quickly as it popped up.”
“Were you happy?” he asked.
“What?”
“With her. Were you happy?”
“I was content. I was angry. I was lost and hurt. I blamed that type of lifestyle for taking my father, and when I found out I was pregnant I wanted my child to have more than that,” I said.
“So you kept her from her father.” A knot formed in my chest. As much as I didn’t want to agree with Hawk, he was right. I had kept Emery from him.
“It wasn’t like that, Hawk. I didn’t think it was-”
“Don’t worry. I get it,” he said with his words slightly clipped.
He always said that when he didn’t get it. It was his way of dodging hard things he didn’t want to talk about at the time. I wanted to try and explain it to him. To tell him that I did try to get back to him. I was pulled between my mother trying to keep us safe and my duty to him. We’d grown up together. Trusted one another. We were stuck at each other’s sides, even when we didn’t want to be. I wanted to tell him that I was never really settled with the decision that I made.
I wanted to get on my knees and beg for his forgiveness.
“Why are you runnin’?” he asked.
“I guess when I first ran, I was trying to get away from the motorcycle life. Went to live with my mom. Tried a normal life. You know, like I used to always imagine growing up.”
“Did you like it?” he asked.
“I guess not. I fell in line with the Iron Souls,” I said. As hard as I tried to stay away from a club, it was all I ever really knew. The more I was away from The Road Rebels, the more I missed the club.
“They’re a good club,” he said.
“Not as good as you’d think.”
“They were friends with your father,” he said.
“Apparently many people were,” I spat.
“Did they take care of you? While you were pregnant?” he asked.
“They did. I didn’t ride with them or anything, but I guess I missed that familial bond. They all had stories of my father I’d never heard of before. They’d apparently been watching over my mom ever since she moved from Nevada to Utah to get away from The Road Rebels.”
“Did you piss ‘em off or somethin’?” he asked.
“No, they pissed off the DEA,” I said.
I knew I had Hawk’s attention when he turned his body fully towards me. His eyes raked up and down my form as I crossed my hands over my chest. Emery was giggling at a butterfly she was chasing after, and for a moment I simply lost myself in her beautiful innocence. From the moment she was born, she had these massive eyes that conveyed an innocence I don’t think I ever had.
I guess, in a way, I wanted to preserve that in her.
“I’m so sorry, Hawk,” I said breathlessly.
“Why did you keep her from me?” he asked.
“I didn’t intentionally keep her from you. I just-”
“Just what? Wanted her to grow up without both parents like you did?”
“No. No, fuck. That’s not it at all,” I said.
“Then why did you do it?”
“I just wanted to preserve her innocence,” I said as I let out a sigh.
“Lot of good that did you since you’re on the run,” he said. I could tell he was angry but trying his best not to lash out at me.
“Hey. I’m trying the best I fucking can.”
“And you could’ve tried harder and been better with me by your side,” he said.
“Oh, is that so?” I asked.
“It’s a tried and true fucking fact, Sydney. We were always better together. Stronger. Smarter. You know I would’ve taken care of you. Done anything in my power to have gotten you what you needed. I would’ve taken you to doctor’s appointments and stayed up while you got sick as sin. I would’ve been there and held your hand through the birth of our daughter, but instead you chose to leave me out of any of it.”
“Hawk that’s not-”
“And I didn’t even get a say so!” he exclaimed.
“I’m sorry, okay!? I’m sorry. I-... she came out so innocent and I wanted to preserve that. To raise her better than I had been. But I missed it. Mom never really felt like… Mom. We’d spent so much time writing but not enough time bonding and I felt like she was just a… a roommate. She didn’t understand how I was raised, so during the times, she wanted to have alone time with E
mery I went and hung out with the Iron Souls. I-I-I… was pulled between-”
“Two different lives, I know. I’ve heard the lament many times,” he said.
“Well it’s fucking true, whether you mock it or not,” I said.
“So, you’re here because you need a place to stay. Right? Not because you wanted Emery to be with her father?”
“Why the fuck can’t it be both, Hawk?” I asked.
That question silenced him, and I drew a deep breath. Luckily, Emery was still running around with the butterfly, so I don’t think she heard the commotion we had created. My heart hurt, and my stomach rolled. My blood was boiling, and my heart was thumping against my chest.
“I was petrified, Hawk,” I whispered.
“What?” he asked.
“I-... I watched my father bleed out in… in my arms. I saw bullets whizzing by your head. I-I-I… listened to my father gurgle out his last breath. It didn’t matter the strength I had or… or the fact that I knew how to fight. I couldn’t… couldn’t protect him. Or-... or help him. In any way. He just…”
Tears streamed down my face as I turned my gaze slowly towards the horizon. I lost myself in my memories as my arms slowly fell to my sides. I was short of breath and felt my knees quivering. Flashes of that day slowly came to the forefront of my mind as I took a step closer to the window.
I needed something cool against my brow.
“You’re all right, Sydney,” Hawk said. “You’re safe here.”
“The DEA is tracking everyone down,” I choked out. “And with Mom dead, I didn’t know where else to go. I wasn’t going to bring Emery to the Iron Souls. I didn’t want to risk her being taken away. I don’t care if you throw me out, but Emery’s gotta be safe, Hawk. She’s gotta be safe.”
I closed my eyes as I pressed myself into the cold glass. My palms flattened out against the window as my chest pressed into it. I could feel my breathing coming in ragged pants as I felt something cool fall against the back of my neck, and that’s when I felt it.
Hawk’s hand hit the small of my back before his fingertips began to dig in.
“All I ever wanted for her was to be safe,” I said, whispering.
“You guys can stay in the guesthouse. Long as you need. It’s usually rented out and shit, but it’s been vacant for a couple months. You guys got anything else other than those bags?” he asked.
“No,” I said. “Nothing but those bags.”
“I can get ‘em to the house. Just… stay here and try to calm down, all right?” he asked.
I saw Emery fall on her butt and I waited for the shriek that was coming. Emery hadn’t had a nap all day, and I needed to lay her down. I watched her face crinkle up as Hawk ripped the back door open, and he went running for her and scooped her up into his arms.
But all she did was push him away and cry for me, and I could see the part of his heart she already held breaking into two.
“Come here, sweetheart,” I said. “You ready for a nap?”
“No. I want Mommy,” she said.
“Come on, we need to go lay you down,” I said.
“No. No nap,” she said as she curled into me.
“The guesthouse is unlocked,” Hawk murmured. “I’ll go get your bags.”
“Why don’t we go lay down on the couch, huh?” I asked.
“The guesthouse has furniture. Lay the girl down in bed,” Hawk said.
I held a crying Emery in my arms as her face began to nuzzle into my neck. I walked into the guesthouse and flipped on a light, gawking at how beautiful it was. The couch was plush, and there was a small kitchen off to the right, and down the small hallway were two rooms that sat opposite of one another at the end of the hallway. I walked her down and flipped on a light as a full-sized bed came into view, and I immediately put her down onto it. We pulled back the covers, and she scurried under, her eyes already drooping shut as I reached over and cut off the lamplight.
“This our new home now, Mommy?” Emery asked.
“Until we can find something else, yes. You’ll have to thank Mr. Hawk later, all right?” I asked.
“You guys are welcome as long as you wanna be.”
I whipped my head around at the sound of his voice as he sat Emery’s sparkling purple bag into the room. Emery sat up in bed and smiled sloppily, the exhaustion evident in her features as my eyes darted between her and her father.
A fact I still had yet to tell Emery.
“Thanks for letting me stay here, Mr. Hawk,” she said.
“Anytime,” he said as his jaw clenched. “Anytime, Emery.”
Chapter 3
Hawk
I watched as Sydney ran her fingers through Emery’s hair. I could tell she hadn’t told Emery who I was, and part of me was incredibly angry about that. She showed up on my doorstep with a daughter that was mine and hadn’t even bothered to inform our daughter that I was her father. Hell, the moment she kicked up she wanted nothing to do with me. I was a stranger to her, and that was all Sydney’s fault.
Sydney cut the light off and slowly traipsed out of the room, shutting the door behind her in a quiet fashion. She sighed, leaning her head against the doorframe, and I turned and started for the house. I didn’t want to be in the same room as her right now. I knew if I stayed, a fight would ensue.
And I didn’t have the mental energy to process anything else today.
I felt Sydney on my heels the entire way into the house. She walked in behind me and shut the door, but she didn’t even get turned around before my mouth ran away with me again.
“How could you not fucking tell her?” I asked.
“Hawk, everything happened so fast. With my mom. With the DEA. I only had enough time to throw our clothes in bags before we left. I couldn’t even grab any of her toys. She’s lost everything.”
“But I’m her father, Sydney. Don’t you think she has a right to know that?” I asked.
“She does, after she processes everything else. She’s scared, Hawk. Just like I was.”
“When you left me,” I said.
“When I left that lifestyle. Contrary to what you believe, I didn’t know I was pregnant when I left. And by the time I did figure it out, my mother did everything in her power to convince me to raise Emery away from the motorcycle lifestyle. It brought her nothing but heartache and pain, and she lost me to it.”
“She lost you because she wasn’t willing to give up her schooling to raise you,” I said.
“But she wasn’t allowed to co-parent with my father because of how inclusive and protective The Road Rebels were. If she came, she had to stay. What kind of fucked up mindset is that?”
“That’s how family works, Syd. You don’t just abandon them. You don’t just get the parts you want. You get all of them.”
“By enslaving them?” she asked.
“Did you feel enslaved?” I asked.
“No, but she did, and that’s the point. The Road Rebels didn’t get to make her feel that way then be pissed at her for the how she felt. You don’t get to hurt someone, then get pissed that they’re hurt.”
I honestly had no argument for that. Whether I agreed with what her father and mother had done, they did they best they could with what they were dealt. I felt my anger melt away, slowly focusing my vision on the woman in front of me. Sydney, with her curves that had grown with having a child and her piercing blue eyes that could still sink my soul, was petrified. Fear was ebbing and flowing with the curls of her auburn hair, and I reached out to push a stray tendril behind her ear before my fingertips danced down her cheek.
Her freckles twitched with my movements.
“I would’ve helped you, you know,” I said.
“It’s got nothing to do with that,” she said, whispering.
“And I’m willing to help you now.”
“Thank you, Hawk. Seriously.”
My hand slid from her cheek, and I ached to put it back. I couldn’t believe I was looking at her. Standing right in fron
t of her after six years of burying myself into other women. Six years of trying to forget just how soft her pale skin was. Six years of reliving watching my father die only to wake up alone the next morning. Six years of smelling her scent wafting around my face after dreams swallowed me whole at night.
And now she was here. With Emery.
My daughter.
“Where’re you two headed?” I asked.
“I suppose Northern California,” she said.
“What’s there?” I asked.
“A new life,” she said, sighing. “A fresh start. I’ve got money I saved back. I could buy Emery and me a house. Put her in a good school district. Find a job in my field.”
“What do for work?”
“I’m an air traffic controller,” she said.
“A what?”
“An air traffic controller,” she said, giggling. “Only required a two-year degree and it paid the most money starting out.”
“That… doesn’t sound like you at all,” I said.
“I suppose not. But, it pays the bills and lets me get home to Emery at a decent time. Northern California’s got some positions open I plan on interviewing for. If I don’t get them, I’ll just keep traveling until I land a position.”
“There’re airports in Nevada,” I said.
She paused, swallowing hard as her gaze diverted from mine. Her body turned back towards the guesthouse, and I could tell she’d recessed back into her mind. My eyes traveled her body, clocking her broad shoulders and the dip in her waist. Her thick thighs still stood proud and strong, just like I’d remembered them in my dreams. Her hair was no longer short. It flowed down her back and stopped just between her shoulder blades. She still wore the same perfume, but her musky scent had changed a bit.
I stepped forward to breathe her in and found her back pressing into my chest.
“I’ve missed you,” she whispered.
For a split second, I thought I’d misheard her. That maybe my mind was playing tricks on me. Taunting me with the dreams, I’d gnawed on for years. I raised my hands, planting them onto her shoulders as I began to massage them, and instantly I felt her relax. Her arms fell to her sides, and her head rolled forward, exposing her milky skin to me as my hands ran down her arms. I dipped my lips into her skin, feeling my body being pulled towards her magnetic field as I pressed them against her body.