Tug

by KJ Bell

  My jaw shifts back and forth, and I tap my fingers on the counter. I don’t want to argue. “Just lay off, okay?”

  “I can’t do that.”

  Pain sears through each knuckle, traveling up my wrist as I pound my fist on the counter several times. I turn to face him, my teeth clenched. “Why not?”

  “Because you’re smarter than me. Because I expect more from you, and because I love you.”

  His unexpected response irritates me. I’m not in the mood for warm and fuzzy. “Ah, that’s touching, bro. Excuse me while I find a tissue. Oh, wait, maybe you want to write a love note on it first.”

  It was a dig at Tori and the little notes he writes her on tissues and leaves around the house. He draws in a breath and releases it slowly. I’ve finally triggered his anger. “Can you stop with the juvenile antics and take this seriously?”

  “What do you want from me?”

  “I want you to grow up, and if you can’t, then at least put on a good show in public.”

  “Wow, that’s rich. You know who you sound like?”

  His lips press flat. The room quiets for a moment, and I wait for Brady to punch me. I’m not sure if I’m relieved or disappointed when he doesn’t. “Don’t compare me to her!”

  “You mean to Mom? A woman who spent most her life putting on a good show, painting a pretty picture in public when the reality she lived with was a fucking lie. You want me to pretend everything is hunky-dory. How is that any different from her?”

  “You’re already pretending. I want you to yell at me, tell Tori and me to fuck off, whatever it takes to move on. As far as the business goes, I want you to act responsibly.”

  “Great, I’ll use a condom. Responsible enough for you?”

  He sighs loudly and rubs the back of his neck. “We’re obviously getting nowhere. I wanted to talk to you before the board meets. They have concerns.”

  “The company is half mine.”

  “Then I suggest you act like a CEO is expected to. It was your idea to take Gibson public, which I agree was a smart move. But now you have a board to answer to, and they’re looking to replace you.”

  The hairs on my neck rise, and my skin heats up. “They can’t do that.”

  “If they push hard enough, they can. I’ll talk to them, but I go on the road in a few weeks. Showing them you take your position seriously is up to you.”

  Drew runs into the kitchen before we can finish our conversation. He barrels into me. I tickle him until he falls to the floor in a fit of laughter. He stands and smiles.

  “You still owe me a boys-only sleepover,” he reminds me. “Can we do it tonight? Please, can we?”

  I figure tonight is as good as any, since apparently I should avoid clubs or women for at least a night. “Let’s do it. If it’s okay with your parents.”

  “Can I go to Uncle Tug’s? Please, can I go, please, Daddy?”

  As pissed as I know Brady is, he doesn’t hesitate to agree. “I’m okay with it, but you’d better go ask your mom.”

  After Drew leaves, I tell Brady that I’ll try harder to keep my personal life out of the public spotlight. I have no idea how to create this “new me” or if it’s even possible, but I have to try. I love what I do and I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished at Gibson.

  Drew turns off the radio in the car, and I feel his eyes on me.

  “Are you mad at my mom?” he asks.

  My natural instinct is to resort to sarcasm and tell the kid I don’t know his mom, but I know he means Tori and not his birth mother.

  “Your mom and I had a fight.”

  “She loves you,” he says. His sad voice pulls on my heartstrings.

  I love her, too, so much it hurts. “How do you know that?”

  “I hear her and my dad talking,” he admits. “She said she loves you, and it makes her sad you’re not friends anymore.

  I blow out a rush of air. “It makes me sad, too, but you shouldn’t be eavesdropping on your parents. Tell me more about school.”

  He laughs, his head rolling back and forth over the seatback. “And you shouldn’t try to change the subject. She thinks you hate her. Why aren’t you friends?”

  “Oh, buddy, I don’t hate your mom.” I choke out the words as my throat closes up. Why is love so messed up? “We used to be friends — best friends, even.”

  “What changed?” he asks. It’s an innocent question from a child with little experience. I can’t tell him the truth. Tori and Brady would kill me.

  “It’s complicated.”

  “You mean, it’s none of my business, because I’m just a kid.”

  Laughter bursts from my lips. “You know, you’re too smart for your own good.”

  He grins and nods in agreement. “Smart enough to know a best friend should be forever.”

  “Yeah, it should, but sometimes our own stupidity gets in the way.”

  “Well, that’s easy to fix. Don’t be stupid.”

  I reach over and rub his head. “I’m trying, buddy.”

  “Well try harder.”

  We park at my building and walk to get the ice cream I promised him.

  Drew stops in front of the ice cream shop. He pulls my arm, but my attention is diverted by a beautiful and spunky brunette. Maria is arguing with an old man on the sidewalk. A kid about Drew’s age is at her side, crying.

  I take his hand and start walking toward Maria.

  “I thought we were getting ice cream?” he protests.

  “We will, but I see a friend.”

  As we approach the arguing pair, they are shouting at each other in Spanish. Maria keeps telling him that they didn’t forget Grandma. The man calls her a liar, insisting that Rosa came with them.

  Maria’s eyes widen when she notices me. Her head turns back to the man. He grabs her by the arms and starts shaking her.

  “Hey! Hey, there,” I shout, closing in on them.

  “Who are you?” the old man asks angrily, his wrinkles tight around his eyes.

  “I’m Maria’s friend. I called the house looking for her, and Rosa told me she was here.”

  “Rosa?” His face lights up when he says her name. He lift’s his thick gray eyebrows, his upper lip covered by an overgrown moustache.

  “Yes, see, Papa? She’s not with us,” Maria says, and then mouths thank you. She takes her grandpa’s arm. “Now, will you get in the car, please?”

  “Rosa’s at home?” he asks me, looking for confirmation.

  “Si.” I nod.

  Maria tucks her grandfather in the car and closes the door.

  “Thank you,” she says, looking relieved.

  “Who is he, Mama?” the little boy at her side asks. He smiles shyly through a mouth full of oversized teeth.

  “This is my friend, Ryan.” She touches his head. “This is Javier.” Her gaze falls to Drew. “And who’s this?”

  “Oh, I’d like you to meet my nephew, Andrew.” I let go of Drew’s hand. “Drew, this is Maria and Javier.”

  Drew and Javier exchange shy waves and crooked smiles.

  “I like your train,” Drew tells Javier, and I notice the toy in Javier’s hand.

  Javier replies, “Thank you. I like trains.”

  “Me, too,” Drew says. “I have some at my house. You can play with them sometime if you want.”

  Javier nods and slides a little farther behind Maria’s leg.

  Maria smiles. “It’s nice to meet you, Andrew, and it was good seeing you again, Ryan, but I need to get Papa home. Thank you again.”

  “Sure,” I say, feeling nervous. What is it about this girl that turns me stupid the moment I get near her? She belts Javier in the back seat and before she gets in the car I ask, “Hey, when will I see you again?”

  “I have your number.”

  “But you won’t call me, right?”

  “Probably not.” She frowns and ducks in the car. I watch it pull into traffic, feeling disappointed. There’s something intriguing about Maria that makes me want t
o be near her.

  Drew yanks on my arm and we walk back to the ice cream shop.

  “Who’s Ryan?” he asks, interrupting me from my thoughts of Maria.

  “What?”

  “Ryan.” His eyebrows shoot up. “Maria called you Ryan.”

  “Oh, we just met earlier today, and I think she was confused.” Wow, I just flat out lied to a little kid. I’m so going to hell.

  “O-kay.” Drew sings the word, exaggerating his disbelief.

  “You don’t believe me?”

  His lips twist. “Not even a little bit.”

  After ice cream and dinner, which may have been in that order, Drew and I go for a swim in the building pool. He horses around on the equipment in the gym while I workout, earning me scowls from some of the other residents. While I take a shower, he plays video games in the living room. When he takes a shower, I use the quiet opportunity to respond to messages from a few clients. We spend the rest of the night in front of the television with an action flick that I’m sure I’ll take a ton of flak for allowing him to watch. He falls asleep during the movie, and as I look down at his face, I can’t help but notice the untarnished innocence, the peace. I’d give anything to feel as content as he looks.

  My mind wanders to Maria, as it has many times tonight. Why can’t I stop thinking about her? Maybe it’s because she didn’t jump at my offer to buy her a drink, or the fact that she has no idea who I am. She’s not the type who typically captures my attention, but there’s something about her, and I want to pursue her. The quest would be easier if I knew more than her first name. It’s probably best this way. I’m in trouble at work, and my focus should be on pleasing the board and keeping my job.

  Tori is sitting on a bar stool at the kitchen island, and I can’t look at her. On the drive over, I resolved to try to be nice to her, but now that I’m close to her, I can’t. It hurts. She gets up and hugs Drew. I glance down at her belly, which is just starting to show signs of her pregnancy, and then quickly look away. The bigger she gets, the harder it’s going to be for me to come around. That bump is a reminder of what I missed out on.

  “Did you have fun?” she asks Drew.

  “It was awesome. We ate junk food and watched action movies, and I never brushed my teeth.”

  “Oh, nice. Tell Uncle Tug thank you, and go put your things away. Then you can brush your teeth.”

  He thanks me and gives me a long hug. When he leaves the room, I know I’m going to get an earful from Tori about responsibility.

  “Well, it sounds like he had a great time,” she says without a trace of anger in her voice. “Thanks for taking him. He loves hanging out with you.”

  Damn her. Damn her for being nice.

  “He’s a good kid. Sorry about the junk food and movie choice.”

  “Don’t be.” She shrugs. “That’s what uncles are for.”

  Damn her again. I don’t want her to be understanding and nice. I want her to be a bitch. I want a valid reason to keep hating her.

  “Yeah … um … I’d better get going.”

  “I was just about to make breakfast if you’re hungry.”

  I resist the urge to twist my lip and mock her. Instead, I smile and shake my head. “No, thanks. I’ve gotta head out.”

  “Okay. Well, thanks again. You’re welcome to take him anytime.”

  With a nod, I open the door and walk out of the house. On my way to the border, I drive downtown and stop at the cigar shop, not because I need cigars, but because I’m hoping to see a certain brown-eyed cutie. She’s not there, and I walk the strip, looking for her. She’s nowhere to be found. I don’t know why that bothers me, but it does. There’s chemistry when we’re together. I feel it, like she’s the one who can make me forget Tori. That’s a fucked-up way to view her, but it’s the truth, and I crave the sick feeling in my stomach when I’m near her.

  The work week turns into a shit show, and by Friday, I barely have my sanity. As I drive to Tijuana for Brady’s bachelor party, I’m seething mad. The board didn’t ax me, but they want to. Instead, I’ve been put on probation. I haven’t had a drink all week, which means I’ve barely slept, and tonight, I plan to get drunk. I want to be knocked into the sort of insensibility where I don’t have to think about how, in a little more than three years, my life went from perfect to a complete wreck. Truthfully, I have no one to blame but myself, but I’ll never point the finger where it belongs. Being pissed erases the blame, points the finger elsewhere, and alleviates the guilt that tries to choke me every time I look in the mirror.

  I arrive at Brady’s, and Harrison meets me out front. I’m greeted with the I’m the responsible one face. He’s been annoying me lately, like at some point he reverted to the arrogant self-righteous prick he was before Liv. I think what happened with my mother changed him, but I’m not convinced new Harrison plans on sticking around permanently. As long as he’s good to Liv, I’ll ignore my feelings and refrain from punching him in the mouth.

  “What?” I ask indignantly.

  “I want to remind you that this is Brady’s night. No bullshit.”

  “Fuck you!” I seem to be saying that a lot lately.

  He reaches for me as though he’s going to grab my arm. The look I give him stops him, and he says, “I mean it. And I haven’t told him where we’re taking him yet.”

  “Why not?”

  “I don’t think he’ll go.”

  “Oh … because, like you, he’s pussy-whipped?”

  He crosses his arms over his chest. I hope he doesn’t think the look he’s giving me is intimidating.

  “Whatever … just keep your mouth shut. I told him we were going to the strip to drink.”

  Brady comes out and nods his chin just as Jesse races up the driveway. Jesse is Second Chances drummer and he and Brady have been best friends since first grade. I’m elated he’s here. Jesse’s always up for a good time, and doesn’t have a woman to weigh down his fun.

  Jesse and his cousin, Chad, who also happens to be Second Chances bassist, get out of the truck, and Jesse throws his hands up in the air. “What’s up? Are we ready to get this party started?”

  “Hell, yeah,” I say, and bump knuckles with Jesse and Chad.

  “I’m ready,” Brady answers. “Let me grab the rest of the guys.”

  He goes inside and comes out moments later with Gabe, the bands guitarist, along with his friend, Davey, who was tossed out of the band before they hit it big. Rodrigo trails behind them. He runs the Center and is a good friend to both me and Brady.

  I draw the short straw and get Davey, Rodrigo, and Harrison in my car. Rodrigo is cool, but I don’t like being around Davey. Everyone one pretends Davey isn’t responsible for Tori losing Mona, but I blame him. His showing up at the house belligerent and berating Tori is what led her to fall down those stairs. If he’d never come back into Brady’s life, that incident would have never occurred, and I wouldn’t be who I am now. Brady and Tori would have their baby girl. They wouldn’t have split up. She most definitely wouldn’t have slept with me. I wouldn’t be ruined and jaded.

  Rodrigo and Davey are in the back seat, and quiet. Harrison, on the other hand, won’t shut up, and nags me the entire car ride about keeping my attitude in check tonight. More than once, I consider reaching across the seat and punching him square in the jaw, but somehow I manage to survive the trip.

  I get out of the car and glance up at the glowing sign for La Luna Azul, which means “the blue moon.” What’s with that name, anyway? I travel all over the globe, and I can name at least ten places with a Blue Moon of some sort.

  Brady hops out of Jesse’s truck and glares at Harrison. “The Blue Moon. Come on, really? Strip clubs aren’t me anymore.”

  “Bullshit!” Jesse roars, roping his arm around Brady. He grips him in a headlock and gives him a noogie before letting him go. “You’re still a man. Besides, I’ve had a shit week, and I want to see titties.”

  Brady turns his head toward Jesse, his lips screwed
up, but trying not to smile. “You, my friend, are a dog.”

  Jesse lifts his recently shaved head and howls into the night sky.

  “Well, I’m with Jesse,” I say, “so let’s go in. I booked the VIP section for the night.”

  “Fine,” Brady grumbles. “But no stupidity, and we aren’t staying out all night. I don’t want to be trashed when I marry my girl.”

  My girl, I think, and fight the urge to bail out on the night.

  “Correction, dude,” Jesse says. “Because you’re getting married tomorrow is why you should get trashed.”

  Brady shakes his head and bumps his shoulder into Jesse.

  We walk, and Brady shoves Harrison in the arm. “My sister is going to kill you for this.”

  “No, man. She’s cool with it.”

  “How’d you manage that?” Brady asks, surprised.

  “I didn’t. Tori did. That is one cool chick you have.”

  “Yes, she is,” Brady boasts. “I’m a lucky man.”

  I didn’t want Brady’s words to sting, but damn if they don’t burn right through my chest. He’s a lucky bastard, all right. Wanting Brady to screw up tonight and do something so deplorable Tori calls off the wedding makes me the worst kind of person and a shit brother. But the desire is there, giving me the faintest of hope.

  We go inside, and I lead the guys through the thick plume of smoke to the VIP section. The place smells like sweat, booze, and sex. The pounding bass vibrates my skin. Strobe lights play tricks on my eyes, and they take a while to adjust. Everyone has a seat except for Brady. He looks around nervously, as though he’s expecting someone.

  “You looking for someone, bro?”

  He jumps. “What? Uh … no.”

  Something is off, but I ignore it. “Sit down and enjoy your night. I promise not to let you do anything stupid,” I say, although admittedly, I wouldn’t be disappointed if he did. Then I’d have a chance to get Tori back. There’s that hope that won’t go away.

  He makes a face and sits next to Jesse with his back to the stage. Clearly, this isn’t where he wants to be.

  I, on the other hand, don’t mind the location a bit, and sit next to Harrison as close to the stage as I can manage.