by Tom Corbett
“Yeah, but only because she was not a threat to you. If she pushed for marriage, you would still be running. Hell, the Great Wall itself would not have kept you from finding refuge in the backwaters of western China.”
“Wait, wait, not so fast there. I grew to like Sarah, a lot. She was an anchor for a while. You’ve got to understand that my world was spinning under my feet. It is a dizzying experience to find your childhood givens crumbling under you. When I first drifted leftward, it all was exciting and fun. We did stuff like teach-ins, wrote articles for the school newspaper, held informational sessions, staged rallies, and stuff like that. We had Abbie Hoffman in. Remember him, he later launched the Yippie movement with Jerry Rubin. This was early and Abbie wore a suit and tie and gave a detailed talk on how we were destroying the very country we purported to be saving. We had Senator Wayne Morse from Oregon in to talk about how Johnson engineered our way into escalating the conflict through outright lies. Imagine, our government was lying to us. Back then, we were shocked. We held a protest rally when Hubert Humphrey came to campus to speak at graduation.”
“And the but?” she prompted.
“The but was that frustration soon set in. You know, we were young. We expected the world to fall over and get in line. How could they not be bowled over by our insightful analysis and overwhelming passion? The State Department sent a representative to one of the early teach-ins we sponsored, they went to a lot of colleges to quell the discontent. We buried the poor bastard with our facts and analysis. Worse, their arguments came out of this narrow, tunnel vision of things. But, you know, we were ignored—totally. The powers that be went about their work of killing and maiming while ignoring us completely. How could they possibly do that? Didn’t they care? What was wrong with them? I could not believe it. A rage developed inside, slow at first but flashing up with a bright intensity with time. I found out that I really cared. What kept them from seeing things as we did? We were killing people by the tens of thousands, mostly because they wanted foreigners out of their country. Was that such a sin? Of course, not many felt things with such intensity. Sure, we had a lot of fellow students who were in part way, the ones who worried about the draft. They seemed committed if it didn’t screw up their weekend social plans. But the number of true believers was small. They became my alter ego.”
“And Sarah?” Rachel felt he was drifting off point.
“Sarah gave me a connection to reality. She was against the war for sure but realized that life was more than that. She kept pulling me back to reality, served as a kind of anchor for a while.”
“I have to ask,” Rachel threw out. “Did you love her?”
Josh looked at her. “Me, love? Did you forget who you were talking with?”
“Don’t make me come over there. And just in case you haven’t thought about this, I’m a physician. I could come up with a dozen ways of doing you in that are untraceable. It will look as if you passed away from your dissolute lifestyle.” She was laughing now.
“And you’re just the gal that could do it.” Damn, he thought, he really missed not having her in his life. “I…I thought I was getting there. We became close enough to scare me. She wanted me to meet her folks and all. I even envisioned us together from time to time. I could see it happening. That really scared the shit out of me.”
“Hmm, she sounds way too good for you. How did you screw it up?”
“Eleni.”
“Oh.” Rachel kicked herself for not guessing.
“I am going to let you in on a secret. Everyone thinks that men cannot commit, ‘constant to one thing, never’ as Shakespeare once said. But that’s not true. Really. Men can look at a woman and just know. I don’t think the reverse is quite true. Women vet a potential mate more completely, or at least check out his stock portfolio. You’re skeptical, I know. But here is the thing. I think we poor males have an archetype ingrained in us, imprinted if you will. When we see a woman that fits that fixed image, we respond. It’s irrational, primal. And it’s not just lust. Hell, I would fall in lust a dozen times a day. I had a friend back then who was working his way through school as a part- time assistant manager at a McDonald’s. He mentioned that when bored, he would count the number of times he fell into lust during the lunch hour. Oh, I forget his winning number, but it was well into three figures.”
“But what if this dream girl turned out to be a psycho which, if she liked you, was a high probability?”
Josh gave his sister the finger. “Good question, asshole. I have thought about that one. It seems improbable, but part of that initial reaction involves intuiting what they are like from the start. I looked at her eyes. They were soft and warm and vulnerable and inquisitive all at the same time. You just know.” He was digging in.
“Let me get this straight. The fact that the woman of your dreams was carrying a bloody axe under her jacket would not bother you,” Rachel queried.
“Only if she intended to use it on me. But I’m convinced there is something to the eye test, very scientific. The eyes are portals to the soul, as they say. I could see immediately that Eleni had a deeply sensitive side, that we could well be soul mates.”
“Only if opposites attract,” Rachel countered. “Your eyes are bloodshot and vacant, not sensitive portals to some deep soul.”
“I’m sure that’s the wine talking. Just give me fair warning so I can get you to the toilet bowl in time because you, my dear, are cleaning up your own mess you make. In any case, I knew I was besotted from the first moment. But the problem was that I froze, even more than I usually did. This was not like hitting on some broad with big boobs, this was a shot at happiness. I must have circled around her for weeks thinking of smooth lines but realized I didn’t have any. My only progress was getting myself introduced to her so that she would not call campus security if I talked to her one day. Then we ran into each other when no one else was around. We stumbled around an awkward conversation. My god, normally I was very smooth, but I felt like a sweaty teen. I could feel myself flush. Just to end my agony, I blurted out some event I was attending and asked if she would be interested in going. She looked embarrassed as I wished the ground might swallow me up. Of course, she murmured something sweet about that sounding nice but couldn’t on that day. It never occurred to me that she really might have a conflict. I just assumed she was thinking that this putz had made his move and it was time to put him in his place.”
“Josh, you know I never say anything nice about you, but even I knew you had to be one of the better-looking guys on campus, and you still had all your hair back then.”
“I know that now, but it was different then. I thought I was unlovable, that no goddess like that could ever be attracted to a mope like me. It never crossed my mind that she felt the same. I never put it together that I never saw her date or be with guys. It turns out she was very shy and was shocked that I would be interested in her. I did what came natural to me. I licked my wounds and sulked for weeks. Normally, I would never take a second run at a gal. Why endure the pain? But I could not get her out of my mind so I did the unimaginable. I tried a second time. I needed subjects for a class experiment. We often volunteered for each other so this was not like asking her to come to my room to look at my etchings. When she agreed, my heart started racing. I was sure she could see it beating a mile a minute through my shirt.”
Josh knew that Rachel was enjoying this confessional moment immensely. He also found the experience liberating. He realized he had never told this to anyone before. No one. “As my little ruse unfolded successfully—well, not exactly a ruse since I did not make up the psych exercise—I started to panic again. It took everything in me to ask if I could say thanks with a cup of coffee at the student union. I thought my heart would burst when she said yes. I have no recollection about what we talked about, but I did not let go of her after that.”
Rachel wrinkled her nose. “And what about Sarah?”
“She understood, totally. We stayed good friends and
did things together, but the sex petered out, no pun intended.”
“So”—Rachel’s nose remained wrinkled—“you gave up sex for romance.
Oh, be still my beating heart.”
Josh smiled. “Keep it up, cupcake, and your heart will be completely still.”
Rachel laughed aloud. She had not been this relaxed with her brother since they were young. It felt so warm and right. She noticed that Morris had curled up next to her. She started to pet him, and he turned over on his back while she rubbed his tummy. “Oh, sweetie, you’re so cute.” Morris grunted with undiluted pleasure.
“Morris,” Josh exclaimed. “You little traitor you, she won’t be around forever. Bread and water for you when she leaves.”
“Hmm, maybe I’ll stay. I like this area, as good as Madison, and Morris needs to be rescued. Look at his pathetic expression.”
“That expression never changes, it is his look.” Josh reached to his dog who moved slightly away.
Rachel laughed aloud. “Good dog. Listen, I am still struggling with this no-sex thing.”
“Well, there was Carla.”
“Ah-ha,” Rachel issued in a triumphant voice.
“I mean, it was the most casual sex imaginable. Carla was part of our rebel alliance as you know. She also had dark hair and was bright as hell. But she was so intense, no humor. Anyways, she would look at me sometimes and I would know. If I ignored the look, she would just come up to me and say outright that she was horny. As I look back, she just assumed I was available, not an outrageous hypothesis since all males are horny morons. Please excuse my graphic language.
“No problem,” Rachel said, “I’m not your little sister any longer.”
“No, I guess you’re not” he responded pensively. “In any case, she would start taking off her clothes and pull me down on top of her. If she were in the mood, she would turn me over on my back and ride me like the last of the Valkyries.”
“Valkyries?” she asked.
“You know, the beautiful maidens that brought slain warriors to the Scandinavian God Odin. And believe me, if you had been there, you would know how close to death I came on occasion. Wow.”
Rachel made a fake gagging sound. “Maybe I’m still the little sister. Moving on, though, I think my mind’s eye has gone blind at the thought of all this. Really, how could I have forgotten about Odin. I was just discussing him the other day. Tell me, how do you know some of this trivia?”
“I’m a prime source for all useless information, trust me. In any case, I really got to know how women must feel given the way men treat them—like pieces of meat.”
“And Eleni was okay with this…arrangement.”
“Oh, she did not know. I think that would have ended it. She was, how can I say it, a marvelous mix of attributes. On the one hand, she was totally innocent and naïve. She admitted that what she knew about life could be fit into a small ring box. And yet she was so quick and witty. Perhaps better than any other woman I have known, outside of you my dear. She could go one-on-one with me and take no prisoners. Moreover, she was very smart but humble, almost reluctant to show her intellect to the outside world. Most of us made a sport of demonstrating our intelligence, not her. And she had this sensitivity about her. I remember one time we were driving somewhere and came across a family stranded by their stalled car. I stopped and helped them out. After, she looked at me with such love. It was the first time she had looked at me like that. I have never ever forgotten that look. It melted my soul. Those eyes, wide and deep, I can never forget them and what they reflected.”
“Can I ask? What am I saying, of course I can ask! Did you ever try for intimacy with her?”
Josh laughed. “I suppose, but in a halfhearted way. One time, I argued that it would be better for her not to wait too long to lose her virginity, intercourse would be overly painful.”
Rachel guffawed. “Smooth, most guys would try flowers or liquor. Really, how could she resist that pile of shit?”
“I know, really. And I did not even smile or giggle as I said that. But she ignored me as did most women. I can’t believe that women did not fall for my crap, I really was smooth.”
“For sure, a real mystery there,” Rachel added with a smile.
“In the end, I was not unhappy. I just wanted to be with her. I didn’t want to push her in any direction that made her uncomfortable. She made me happy. No one else did, at least not like her. And I liked her family as well. Maybe I mentioned this, but her dad, an engineer, was from Egypt who came to the US to study. When the war broke out, the Nazi war, his technical skills were valuable to the government. He did well as an engineer, but I think he really wanted to be a poet. At least he had a poet’s soul, in my mind at least. He was thin and good-looking quiet and very widely read. I liked him, we could talk about things for hours. He had been raised as a Coptic Christian, which was not an easy path as Egypt was buffered by various sectarian winds. Coming to the States probably was as much an escape as it was an opportunity. There was less risk of being on the wrong side of things as the winds of change altered direction. Anyways, at some point in college, he met this Greek woman. She was everything he was not—exuberant, outgoing, and passionate about life. Of course, she was Greek Orthodox and took it very seriously. Her upbringing was overshadowed by religious ritual and belief. But that did not keep her from seeking out some adventure, and somehow, she ran across this quiet Egyptian. Maybe opposites do attract because she fell in love with him.”
“And he with her?” For Rachel, this was a question.
“Good catch,” he responded. “I was never totally sure. There is a chance that he saw her as an opportunity to stay in the States after the war ended. For him, it could have been a marriage of expedience. He never said anything like that, but he never struck me as someone who would fall easily in love but I suspect he came around over time. In any case, for her, it was clearly a love match. It had to be. She went against all her traditions and expectations. Eleni was born not all that long after the marriage so there must have been talk. Despite all the chatter and speculation, by the time I met them, they had a very nice relationship. They certainly adored Eleni. She was the only child, and they poured everything into her.”
“I presume she must have been spoiled like you were as the Irish prince.” “You know, I’m convinced I am an only child. You’re such a shit that you must have been adopted.”
“Absolutely,” Rachel deadpanned. “Mom and Dad saw what they sired and decided to try something different the next time around.” Morris was now on her lap and clearly in dog heaven.
Josh thought about retrieving Morris, but inside, he concluded that the dog was an excellent judge of character. He gazed at his drink for a few moments. “Visiting Eleni’s home was so different. At our place, dad was seldom there and mom was remote. I recall the first time I went home with her. Her mother was very nice, could not shove enough food into me. I was treated like a visiting prince. The next visit was amazing. I walked in the door, and she rushed up to throw her arms around me. I almost backed up through the wall. We never hugged. Do you remember any hugging?”
“Ah,” Rachel thought, “not really. Ora would have thought someone was assaulting her.”
“No, of course not. With Eleni’s family, well, her mother and aunts, it was this Greek thing. Life was a celebration. But there was another part to it. They loved me. I am not totally sure why. I was not Greek, and that should have been important to them. But later I learned that they, particularly her mother, were convinced that I would be good to her daughter. That was everything to her. I thought about that a lot. In the end, I concluded that they could see that I loved her, loved her with a depth that mattered. Me, the cynical guy never touched by life, was totally lost. Apparently, they could see all in my way of talking with their daughter, my eyes, my expression, the way I laughed around her, the way she laughed around me. Then again, I always did good with mothers, the daughters were a problem. I think I struck the mothe
rs as a clueless schlepp who could never harm their daughter. Good thing they could not see inside my lecherous head.”
“No question about that,” Rachel offered.
“There was one more thing. Eleni had hardly dated at all. Amazing, really, she was a lovely girl.”
“Not that strange, I was reasonably attractive and didn’t date, not much anyways.”
“Yeah,” Josh said immediately, “but you had a rotten personality while she was nice.”
Josh got up and sat next to his sister where he started to pet his dog. “I don’t like the looks of this at all. I think Morris is abandoning me for you.”
“Oh, he has a such an instinctive appreciation for good people. It is amazing he never ran away earlier.” Then she assumed that mischievous smile. “He asked me to take him away that first day, poor thing.”
“Shit, he will love anyone that scratches his belly and fills his bowl with chow. Listen, I’m heading in. I still have a couple of papers to do and will be running over to the university in the morning. Then we pick up Cate early afternoon. They are flying in from New York where they have spent a couple of days.”
Rachel had a quizzical look; she was still confused why Josh knew more than she. “Did she visit Evan on the East Coast?”
“I suspect so but I’m not certain. I really don’t have much info.”
“Josh, I’m actually nervous. She is acting weird. I hope everything is all right.”
“Well, we both will find out tomorrow. It will be okay, trust me.” He knew that sounded rather stupid so he kept talking before she could ask how he could be so certain. “One more thing before I go. This is something that bothers me, I think. Well, it must since I need to mention it.” But then he said nothing, just stared at her.
“So,” Rachel prompted.
“Yeah, okay. Damn, I am not sure why this is so difficult. The thing is, I could have easily married Sarah. It would have been an easy relationship to envision. Two academics, children, plenty to talk about, compatible personalities.”