by Tom Corbett
Versions of “oh no” came from all the women except Meena who simply looked on uncertainly but mostly bemused.
“I will take your response as encouragement.” Josh went into his joke mode; he had a slightly different lilt to his voice when he did. “So, a man is driving down a country lane where there is such little traffic that he picks up his speed. A car approaches from the other direction. As it passes him, a woman leans out her window and yells out in a loud voice, ‘Pig!’ The guy immediately shouts back, “Bitch!” He was still wondering how she knew he was such a male pig as he negotiated the curve just ahead only to find a huge pig standing right in the middle of the road. His funeral later that week was attended by many of his girlfriends, each of whom spit in his coffin.”
The ensuing groans contained some grudging chuckles. “Be honest, uncle,” Cate persisted, “do you really think of intimacy in bartering terms?”
He responded without missing a beat, “Not so far-fetched. There is an established equity theory of relationship that was developed in the 1970s at Wisconsin by someone in the sociology department…Walster, I believe. Later, a Chicago Nobel Prize winner in economics named Becker developed an elaborate economics approach to most human behavior including what we call love. But let me educate you on the basic points here.”
“Oh goody, I can’t wait.” Cate was now having fun as she gazed in increasing admiration at the scenery that surrounded them.
“Think about this. Aside from setting the terms up front, as I pointed out to my sister when she attacked me on this point, the act itself is more honest. The female service provider still fakes interest, and even orgasm, but you know it is paid for and she knows you don’t believe her. Moreover, it is easier on the guy, one of the benefits of paying in money up front. You don’t have to work so hard to please your partner, she’s pleased with the payment going in. Therefore, you don’t have to work so hard getting the gal off and can focus on your own pleasure, which should be paramount in the first instance.”
“Oh, look at the pretty mountains,” Rachel tried.
“Not finished yet.” Josh struggled to regain control. “You can walk away after. And not just without making false promises and lying about calling tomorrow when you know that pigs will have mastered flight before you ever call again. You don’t even have to endure the demanded postcoital cuddling. Done and done, what can be better than that?”
“Methinks the pedestal that my daughter had you on is crumbling away as you speak. Want to dig yourself in any deeper?” Rachel added.
“Just one last point. Sometimes you don’t want sex. Lots of times you don’t. You just want companionship, someone to talk with who won’t argue back. The professional is great here as well. It is your dime so you get to call the shots. You can wax eloquent and she will agree that you are brilliant. Even better, there are no excruciating discussions about sofa-covering swatches. Those discussions are pure torture. Which one do you like, dear, this one or the other one? Of course, you don’t give a damn but are required to pick one, hoping it is the right choice. Alas, it never is and now you must explain your ridiculous selection for the next half hour. Talk about agony! There are other points I might make, but I would start fearing that my future tenure among the living would be brief indeed.”
“Anyone got some chloroform?” Cate asked, smiling.
“Or maybe a bat?” Usha threw out.
“Too bad it’s so hard to get a gun up here.” Rachel ended that theme.
The conversation wandered for a while as the group paid more attention to the scenery. They were winding up farther and farther into the craggy sentinels surrounding them. Snow yet capped the highest points, but the air clearly was fresh and brisk and the sky enveloped them with brilliant clarity. This is God’s country, Josh thought as he pointed out selected mountain peaks and gave some local color. “So,” he said at last, “what do you think, Rach? It is as advertised, is it not?”
“Sorry,” Rachel apologized as she recognized that her brother was waiting for a response. “I had some stuff on my mind. Just being a little selfish here. But tell me, Cate and Meena, tell me more about how you came to know about yourself, about discovering who you were. If I’m being too personal, just tell me to mind my own business. I can be rather direct and even intrusive. I’m sure Josh will confirm that about me.”
“No, mom, not at all,” Cate hastened to say, “though I should not speak for Meena.”
“Oh no,” Meena added quickly. “I don’t mind chatting about this at all. It rather helps me. Sometimes I feel that the past few months have been a dream, that everything has happened to someone else. And it all has been going so fast, I wake some mornings and wonder what has been real and what is a fantasy. Sharing with others makes it valid for me. I certainly cannot talk to my family. Not yet at least.”
“That’s the other thing,” Usha added. “We’ll have to work out a strategy for bringing your family on board. Sometimes it is not as bad as you anticipate, but you never know. It took me forever to confront my family, and as you know, I hid behind a fake marriage with Josh for several years. But it must be done at some point.”
“I thought it was a pretty successful marriage,” Josh argued. “We never fought, not that I recall. We were good companions, did stuff together. You would cook me great Indian meals on occasion. The more I think on it, it was better than most hetero partnerships.”
Usha did not disagree. “It was great for what it was. What surprised me is that even the sex was okay, which oddly enough happened more often than with some of my cousins back in India. Yet there was one thing missing, and it is a big hole. We had respect, could communicate, had common interests, but there was no spark, no real intimacy of the kind you dream about. Our hearts did not race when we were together. I am right, am I not?”
“True enough, but mine raced on occasion.” Josh responded quietly. “On the other hand, I doubt that happens for many couples over the long haul, that spark think.”
No one responded to Josh’s observation. Rather, Usha continued. “In the end, our marriage probably could not last. But when I did fall in love, or thought I had, I knew I could not put off the inevitable any longer. I went back to India and fessed up. I’ll always be appreciative to Josh, for his kindness and courage. He came with me for support. I might have lost courage once again were he not there at my side, encouraging me on.”
“When you did tell your family, what happened?” Meena asked.
“Well, there was shock at first and all kinds of emotions. They had been so proud of me. To them, I was a successful academic in a successful marriage. The one blot was the lack of children, but that was still possible in their minds though time was running short. In any case, the news was a shock. They had their suspicions early on but the so-called marriage to Josh had them fooled. It would have been more honest to come out earlier when I first came to realize who I was. But I did not have the courage. In the end, I just explained the best I could what I had gone through. Like all parents, there was concern about what everyone would say. Their peers could be savage, at least some of them. But then Josh took over. Josh was great with them. He spoke about me in such admiring terms, and he told them about how much I loved them and how deeply I suffered at the very thought of hurting them.”
“Wow,” Cate murmured. Josh was making a comeback in her mind. “He is more than just your typical, debauched pervert.”
“Funny,” Usha was finding her voice, “it turned out to be my grandmother who broke the ice. She pointed out other gay couples in their acquaintance and said that she would still love me in no uncertain terms. I so loved that shriveled-up old woman. It took a lot of talking and tears, but only a few in the extended family did not come on board. For me, it was like experiencing freedom for the first time. Even though I picked a partner poorly, she did provide the incentive to publicly assert my sexual identity.”
“Were there any negative consequences to coming out?” Meena inquired.
> “Not for me, and things have gotten even better in the past few years. Being an academic makes it easier. You’re in a liberal community to begin with. Still, attitudes in general are changing rapidly. A lot depends on your situation. And living in cosmopolitan areas makes personal choices less of an issue. People don’t really care. But I would not want to live in rural Alberta. That might be very different. You, Meena, must be acutely aware of your culture, as we began to discuss yesterday, though not even the Islamic world is monolithic on this matter anymore.”
Meena sighed. “I know, I know. It is not as simple as many might think. It also is subtle in my world. As Usha said, if I were from the Jordanian equivalent of Alberta, loving another woman would be impossible. In some places, the family might sacrifice me as part of an honor killing. But we’re of the so-called sophisticated elite. Many of my extended family were educated abroad, and some have settled in the West. But there still is a code. You can do what you want when there is little chance of it getting back home. I probably could be a stripper in London, so long as no Jordanian nationals frequented the establishment. At home, however, we must be very careful, very careful indeed. You can stray from the cultural rules a bit in privacy. Still, that’s always risky, for women especially so. You find yourself looking over your shoulder all the time. I think my family had suspicions. With my sister and female cousins, I tried to fake an interest in boys, but I always felt I was trying too hard. People must know when you are faking it, at least that’s what I thought. After a while, I’m sure they knew but never said anything. My good parents were always trying. While at Oxford, they could tell the relatives that I would marry after my education was complete. For a while, I think they told folks that I had high standards. My poor mother was always suggesting so-and-so, they were always such nice boys she would insist. For show, I went out with a few, and believe me, they were not so nice. The good ones were married off early. The one’s that were left were no bargains, pretty much party boys.”
Rachel had been staring at the mountains, an enigmatic expression on her face. “I still find it amazing that you two connected. I mean, that you made it through all the…what, barriers.”
To this, Cate responded, “It amazes me as well. Now, I simply cannot fathom why I hid from myself for so long. People were open all around me. What was I so afraid of? I blamed dad, my career, even you, mom.”
“Me?” Rachel was surprised, more that Cate would say that aloud.
Cate sounded a bit defensive. “Stupid, I know. You never suggested you would have a problem with such a thing. It was more that I didn’t want to disappoint you, of all people.” She sensed that Rachel was going to say something. “Let me finish. I always felt like a disappointment. I mean, you were always nice about my choices, but you were top doc and I did linguistics at Madison and some grad courses in international affairs. Not bad but hardly on your level. You were perfection in my eyes, Mom. I hated what you might be thinking of me. Hell, all I could think about was that I could not even get my sex life right.”
Rachel twisted around to face her daughter. “Stop. Just stop. Cate, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I’ve loved you from the moment you came out of me. And you know what? My love and admiration for you has grown with every passing day. You have always been loving, and caring, and funny, and committed to doing the right thing. And you did all that without much help from me and nothing from your father. And just remember this, you are not too old to put over my knee.”
The car was silent for a moment. Josh ended the disquieting silence. “Cate, I can tell you from bitter experience that you don’t want to piss off your mother. I may have to have surgery to put all my organs back in their proper places after she leaves.”
Rachel reached back and took Cate’s hand. “Love you, kiddo.”
“Love you, Mom,” Cate murmured. “Funny, but when the time is right, when the person is right, all the fears and concerns melt away. They don’t disappear, but they aren’t as overwhelming anymore.” Cate retrieved her hand and took Meena’s. “There were so many times in the past when I would develop a friendship with a woman. The feelings were there, sexual, romantic. They were feelings I never had with a man, but I always found a way to minimize or dismiss them. Life went on, and I was busy seeing and saving the world. No room for human intimacy.”
“I know the feeling,” Josh said the words so quietly that they were overlooked.
“I still remember the first time I saw Meena. She was wearing an all- white outfit that set off her dark hair and complexion. It was that professional meeting as I think we mentioned earlier. I was supposed to be in my official role. But at first sight I melted. A current of something inexplicable coursed through my body. What was that sensation? I remember thinking. Then I realized I could hardly breathe. I thought for sure that everyone in the room could see, but no one said anything.”
“I remember that you looked professional, very sexy but professional,” Meena added. “I could hardly take my eyes off you.”
Cate laughed. “Well, I got through the meeting, but all I could think of was how to find some excuse to be with this vision before me. Meena, even as you talked about the issues that day with that clipped British accent, I was lost. You clearly were competent and quick, and I could even sense a little wit. What devious plan did I concoct?”
“I remember. We needed sign-off from your embassy for what we were proposing, I forget why. It was all pro-forma, I thought. Then, however, you said that you would need more input before you could approve our project. You suggested some site visits. I remember thinking that you were being an obstructionist. It was rather a small project that sold itself. I believe we were only requesting in-kind resources, not real money. I was rather disappointed in you at that moment.” Meena laughed. “For an instant I thought I was dealing with an officious bureaucrat.”
“Hey, I was desperate. If you walked out the door, maybe I would not see you again, and I had to see you again. When did you figure it out, that I was trying to get to know you better?”
Meena thought for a moment. “Oh, pretty quickly. How many site visits did this project demand, and then you were suggesting other possibilities. As soon as you could no longer drag out the first one, you were conjuring up others. Something was up, but neither of us made a move.”
“It was easy in the beginning. The first big step for me was asking you to do something social, nonwork related. It should not have been that difficult. I could have asked you to help me out with the local culture. I had done so in other postings. But I knew what was inside me. Funny, when you know what’s in your heart, even the most innocent acts become something totally different. I felt like a high school girl with a terrible crush. I went through the exercise of asking you in my head a hundred times. When I asked for real, I know I blushed.”
“Yes, you did.” Meena laughed once more. “I recall thinking you might be ill with a fever.”
Josh thought he might contribute here. “I agree. It really is hilarious how something innocent can turn sinister given a slight change in intention. I’ve been there for sure. You meet a colleague for lunch, and it is a so-what event. Meet the same person in the same restaurant as a prelude to a sexual tryst, and you’re looking around as if you are in a spy novel. I mean, I’ve frisked many a waiter to see if they were wearing a wire.”
“Says the depraved pervert who should know,” Rachel observed.
“Ah, depravity is in the eyes of the beholder,” he countered.
“Anyway,” Cate assumed control, “I finally mumbled something along the lines that it would be nice if someone could guide me through the Jordanian museum so they could give me an interpretive tour, not the stock stuff, but an insider’s view. After I got the words out, I think my mind went blank.”
“Hmmm,” Meena considered. “I thought I jumped at the chance to say yes. Maybe I hesitated for a moment, just so my eagerness did not look so obvious. Maybe Josh is right about how even simple thing
s are interpreted. People looking on would see nothing more than a simple request for help, very innocent. But we knew. We knew. I sensed it was more than a casual request for information. Did I want to go there? The answer, of course, was obvious.”
Cate was speaking directly to Meena now. “After the museum, we walked over to Nakheel Square and just talked for a long time, remember that. We shared our histories, even started talking about our hopes. Not a word about our longings though. My god, I thought my body would explode that day. My heart was beating so hard.”
Meena spoke but seemed far away. “Then I asked you if you wanted to walk around the square, which, by the way, is a big circle. It gave me an excuse to take your hand.”
Cate quickly added for the larger group, “Women holding hands in public, even men holding hands is not a problem, quite common. But again, I knew by this time it meant more than friendship, at least that was what I was hoping.”
Cate and Meena were talking to each other now. “You were hoping right,” Meena said softly. “I don’t recall when I figured out what was happening. But I could see something in your eyes that spoke to me. Your gaze was too long, too deep, too meaningful. Finally, toward dusk, we knew we had to part. We were yet walking, our hands clasped, and our bodies occasionally nudged one another.”
Cate was still far away, back in Amman’s Nakheel Square. “Each time we touched, I felt that same current surge through me. I was not letting you walk away, but our time together was slipping away. I stopped thinking and walking. When you turned to me, everything in me wanted to kiss you, wrap you up in my arms. But we were still in a public place. Instead, I invited you to dinner at my place for the following night.”
Meena now picked up the story, simply forgetting they were among others. “By this time, my heart was aflame. I had not let myself really believe that this beautiful American would be interested in me as a woman. Now I was certain. I said yes. And to make sure no misunderstanding remained, I leaned over and kissed you on the cheek before whispering that I could not wait.”