by Tom Corbett
In the end, they did none of that, not at all. His fears were smoke, a mirage. They yet loved him. How could that be the case? How could they be so forgiving? Even that added to his anguish at this moment; why didn’t they punish him so that he might experience the despair and personal revulsion he deserved? Isn’t that the lot of all transgressors of human decency and personal loyalty? You must be punished, ostracized, cast out. Hell, Morris and Carla weren’t even Christian, and they practiced Christ’s message more deeply and fully than those disgusting evangelicals who run around praising God’s son all day.
Of course, he had been punished. He had beaten himself up daily for over forty years. He functioned well in the world, achieved nominal success, accumulated a decent amount of wealth, had many acquaintances who laughed at his endless wit and self-deprecation, and enjoyed waves of adoration from students who credited him for changing their lives. How can one appear so normal and content on the outside and yet wallow in such self-loathing on the inside? Yes, that was it—he was punishing himself. He pushed away the people who had the power to complete the man. He used distance and cunning to isolate himself and avoid the need for real human contact. He buried himself in work, traveled around the world to consult, and either faked or purchased relationships just so he could avoid facing himself and others who knew what a sniveling coward he was. Yes, he had wandered in the desert for forty years just like Moses and his small pathetic band.
So many from his old and new lives could have been his connections to the world, embracing him to others with love and connectedness. They could have helped him attach to others in a meaningful way. But he refused to let the embrace happen. He was frightened they would let him go, tease him with hope and then abandon him as had his father and mother and sister and Leni. Caring was inevitably associated with panic, a primal connection forged before reason could be applied as an antidote. When he was spurned, as he knew he would be for not living up to the standard of a god, he would surely fall to earth and perish from abuse and neglect. What an idiot! He had succumbed to irrational fear. He anticipated rejection, so he never got close.
What was he, an amoeba perhaps, just responding to whatever was in his environment? Had he ever thought about any of the big choices he had made, to give up football, to reject his culture, to run away to Canada, to pursue an education or become an academic, to marry Usha and not marry Connie. He thought about all these milestones. Hard as he tried, he could not recall thinking hard on any of them at the time. A choice was before him and he responded, just like some single-cell organism. It was only in the aftermath, when doubt or pain or regret or loss caught up to him that he realized the enormity of the moment that was long gone. What an odd way to conduct one’s life, he suddenly thought.
Josh looked at the ceiling. He had been drifting in and out of sleep and had lost track of time. People would arrive early this morning. Peter, Carla, Morris, Cate, and Meena would be leaving. He still couldn’t quite comprehend how seamlessly he had reconnected with his old revolutionary band. There was a lesson in that for him.
There was much to do, clothes to pack, goodbyes to say. He sensed that the others would want to savor the last hours together. They would seek each other’s company. Josh just stared at the ceiling as the morning light pushed out the gloom of night. He should get up, but his body would not move. He simply permitted the salty tears to flow over his face onto the pillow.
Connie was also immobile the next morning as she lay on the bed Rachel had been using. As with Josh, she had trouble getting herself to move, feeling emotionally drained. Perhaps she should have left last night. It would be difficult looking him in the eye in the light of day. Still, escaping the night before somehow seemed like a defeat in her mind, giving that bastard a victory of sorts. Besides, she very much wanted to be there for the others. She loved Rachel and Cate and had warmed to Meena almost immediately. She also found Josh’s old friends fascinating and would love to spend hours probing their views on the world. She herself lived in a world of high-level science and scientists. Her colleagues were all brittle bright but could be provincial about the broader world. They seldom had time for things beyond the next published issue of Analytical Chemistry. Josh could provide her and her colleagues with access to this broader universe. In addition to his physical attractiveness, this is what drew her to him when they first ran across each other on some university-level committee. He struck her as a mini renaissance man. He knew so much about so many things. His mind seemed to flow over topics and ideas, making easy and yet beguiling connections. And it didn’t hurt that he made her laugh and that she loved going one-on-one with his wit. She shook her head in disgust. Why couldn’t she evict this worthless man from her thoughts.
No, enough of that. She lay there resolving herself to what needed to be done. He could be George Clooney himself, and that would not change things. She would not accept half a man. She did not need to compromise. She knew that men would always be attracted to her, she would have options. But even that was not important. She did not need any man. She had known that for years, ever since the aftermath of her divorce from her first husband. That experience taught her that choosing a life partner was not as easy as it looked and probably not worth the effort.
She and her first spouse seemed compatible even if he were Western and she Oriental. They were both educated and cosmopolitan. Their friction, however, emerged from a source she had not expected. He was not in the academy, but a successful businessman. At first, that did not seem to matter, but it did over the long haul. The intellectual and practical worlds were very different cultures. Members of each group had their own language, motivations, rewards, and visions for the good life. They drifted apart until the separation seemed inevitable. It was amicable, and each were grateful for the product of their union, their daughter Erika who now labored as an economics professor at Cal-Berkeley.
No, she reaffirmed in her head. She would be rid of Josh. She had no reason to settle, and she had concluded during the night that he would never change. You are what you are. She had seen so many women, very smart and accomplished females, waste time and emotional chips on the futile quest of turning a croaking frog into Prince Charming. Why did women willingly embrace this impossible challenge? Men were unteachable. That was apparent, undeniable, beyond dispute. She would not be one of those fools to pursue the impossible, not Corinthia Alicia Chen, the Edna McMurtrey professor of biochemistry.
Suddenly, she was stirred from her wandering internal discourse by pressure moving across her body. Oh right, the dog had joined her last night. He must need to go out. She stroked him until he flipped over on his back, displaying his manhood for all to see. Finally, a man worth having around, she thought. Minutes later, she was out the door and a bit surprised that the sun was up. Then again, it was rather late when she finally was able to sleep last night. She followed the route in which the dog led her, it was immediately clear that she needed to make no independent decisions. Morris waddled ahead of her along the path to which he was long accustomed. Soon, they were across Marine Drive walking along the beach. When Morris did his primary morning business, Connie realized that she had not brought along a poop bag. “Sorry, guy, let’s move on before the doggie poop police descend upon us.”
Just then, a car pulled to a stop. Connie blushed; for half a second, she thought maybe she was about to be scolded for despoiling the community. But Rachel jumped out and turned to the driver; it was Usha. “Here is a key if no one is up yet. I want to talk with Connie a bit. See you soon.” Then there were words shared in a lower voice.
As Rachel leaned down to scratch the dog’s ears, she said, “Hi there, did I catch you attempting to purloin this fine animal? You look awfully guilty to me.”
“The guilt, I fear, is real. I forgot a poop bag and left his morning contributions behind.”
“Punishable by death in many neighborhoods,” Rachel replied, “but your capital offense is safe with me.”
“Well
, you’re a good friend.” Connie looked at her as she said the words. “At least I hope so.”
“You know, it is my hope that we become more than that, maybe even family.” Rachel blushed a bit at her bold impertinence.
Connie did not reply to that. She shifted in another direction. “Tell me, how did it go last night? All the other girls will be asking me at lunch break.” She tried to sound light, but it felt a bit forced.
Rachel paused, not sure that she wanted to change subjects. “Gee, I’m not one to kiss and tell…But then again, I’ll probably have an aneurism if I keep this in.” Another pause. “Okay, I’m thinking of you as a sister. I know that Cate will ask, but I would have trouble with that. Besides, I am torn up inside.”
“Why?”
Rachel disagreed. “She will always be my daughter.”
“That’s true. I feel the same about Erika. That never changes until they become the adult and we the child which, in my case, is likely to be any day now. But I was asking about why you feel conflicted.”
“I had not thought of our girls taking care of us, not until you mentioned it. I think we are only about six months from senility.” Rachel looked at Connie as the two effortlessly changed direction and started to walk slowly along the beach toward the university. “About the conflict inside. When we got to her hotel room, I surely felt like the child. Here I am, pushing sixty and I was trembling like a schoolgirl. But Usha was so kind, tender. When we started, I recall looking beyond her, wondering if I was still in my own body. There was a surreal sense about me and the situation. Then I waited. I simply surrendered myself and let another part of me, one that I did not know existed, come into life. Funny, I sense it was a dimension of life I had avoided for so long it now surprised me that such things yet existed. Talk about becoming weak-kneed, my legs were rather wobbly. It was like being a teenager again. Am I embarrassing you?”
“Hell no, don’t stop now, though this is too G rated. I probably need a little porn this morning.”
Rachel paused to consider her remark and then looked out over the water. “We literally stumbled toward the bed at this point. Connie, you and I both know the chemistry of sexual arousal. But when you experience it, really for the first time, forget the biology. What happens is so primal that it is beyond analytics. In any case, Usha brought me back, slowed me down. She knew this would be a moment to remember for both of us and should not be rushed. My response was…well, let’s say it was my first orgasm in…far too long.”
“Like ever?” Connie looked at her with incredulity.
“Oh no…the first in response to another. I could be kind to myself. This, however, was like being reborn. As a woman of science and accomplishment, I was beyond being an adult. As a woman of flesh and feeling, I was still rather a child. At that moment, I knew how much growing I had to do.”
Connie then asked, “That’s it, I’m changing sides, enough of men. But what’s next? The two of you cannot just go back to your ordinary lives. I mean, you are no spring chicken.”
Rachel intertwined Connie’s arm with hers, and they continued walking. “People keep pointing out this spring chicken thing, I am not yet in my dotage. Still, I don’t know what is next. The truth is that I’m afraid. I am scared to death. My fear has nothing to do with what people will think or say. We know that no one in our circles cares.”
“What’s the problem then? I’m not sure I understand.”
“It is something in me, very hard to talk about.” Rachel stopped and leaned down to pet the dog. It was a way to escape for a second. Connie went down and pulled her back up. Rachel sensed there was no easy escape. Secretly, she was glad there was none. “It is me, Connie. I’m so frightened of being abandoned. If I give myself over to someone, they will reject me. I can see you are confused. Surely my split with Evan left no scars. No, it goes back deeper, back in time as well.”
“To when Josh left for Canada, right? So much now makes sense.” Connie looked pensive.
Rachel nodded. “As an adult, you can put things in perspective. But I was like fifteen years old when that happened. Things had fallen apart at home, raging arguments between Josh and my dad, between my mom and dad. I had always looked upon my brother as my anchor, my lifeboat as one storm after another threatened to drown me. And then he was gone. Not a word. He was gone. It was weeks before I even knew he was still alive. He scarred me deeply, as it did my dad. I only found out this week that he sent letters to me that my mom and dad kept secret from me. But I don’t really know if that would have made much of a difference. Then, after him, my folks checked out. Ever experience total loneliness, ultimate rejection?”
Connie embraced her. “I want to say silly things like that was a long time ago and that your brother is a well-known shit. That would be just stating the obvious. So, this is my message. Don’t throw this away. You hear me? Don’t throw away this chance for happiness. You will regret it forever, and more importantly, I will be so pissed.”
Rachel pulled away. “Maybe I have already blown it. This morning, when we awoke, I was distant to her. I just wanted to run away. Usha had to notice. I felt myself curling up in some dark place…” Rachel stared off toward the mountains. “Wait, wait just a minute. What about you? If you’re telling me to go for it, then you and Josh…?”
Connie looked away. “Maybe we should head back.”
Now Rachel knew for sure that something was wrong. “Wait, something is wrong. What about you and Josh? He needs you, Connie.”
“Rachel, here is the thing. I am not ready to be a babysitter. Oh shit, I should just tell you. We had a fight last night. Now I cannot quite recall what started it, that doesn’t matter. But it brought to the surface so many feelings and fears I had tucked away, more like buried. By the way, I slept in your room, I left it a mess, I fear. Damn it, Rachel, I’m just way too old to start a reclamation process. You think he would have become an adult before he retired.”
“Okay, I can understand, but let me ask one thing. Did my brother argue back? Never mind, I know the answer. He was mute, he always is unless he tries to joke his way out of it. Rather, let me turn to the question really on my mind. Do you love my brother?”
“No,” Connie answered quickly.
“Really? Look at me and say that.”
Connie exhaled. “Want the truth? It is much worse than that—I’m in love with him. Damn him, I hate myself for that.” They walked in silence for a while, letting the breeze move over them as each remained deep in thought. Finally, Connie broke their private meditations. “You know, I think we both know the common denominator for our misery.”
“Yeah, my idiot brother,” Rachel responded immediately. And then both women laughed.
“He came into my room, well, your room, and found those e-mails to Eleni which he had given to you earlier.”
“Really?” Rachel was curious about this.
“Yes, I did look them over a bit. Frankly, I had trouble reading them…My tears at the time kept getting in the way.” Rachel put an arm around her as they walked toward home as Connie continued. “But I got enough. I was stunned that he could feel anything so deeply. I did not think he was capable. Where is that man? I want that man. At some point, I jumped to the end, but it was hard…too sad. She was ill and then it seemed over.”
“It was sad,” Rachel murmured. “But here is what I take away from this. He wanted you and I to look at the messages for a reason. He does a lot of stuff without thinking, but this was not one of those things. You could say that he was motivated by the most callous of reasons. You could conclude that he was laughing at us. Here, read these and see that I can feel things but not for you.”
“You don’t believe that, do you?” Connie had a doubtful look. “We agree he is an idiot, but the jury is still out on whether he is a total asshole.”
“No, I don’t believe he has a malicious bone in his body.” Rachel stopped walking, and the two women faced each other. “I believe he is telling us something qu
ite different, that he can feel but is afraid. Connie, he needs help to come out of his shell. He is reaching out in a way that makes sense to him. He simply cannot ask like an ordinary person. I believe that. I suppose I must believe that. And Connie, you’re the key. I am not letting you go on this. He needs you.”
Connie looked directly back at her. “Well, you can take one thing to the bank. I’m not going to let you throw away your chance at happiness.”
“Right back at you sister.”
Morris started pulling on his chain. He had done his business a long time ago, at least in his mind. Now these women were wandering around without purpose as far as he could see. It was time for his food, and he was running out of patience.
Several of the group were milling around the kitchen making coffee and looking for what food might be available as Rachel and Connie came through the door.
“Mom,” Cate yelled with a slightly exaggerated voice. “Usha has just been giving me a blow-by-blow description of last night’s, what shall we say, booty call.”
“Oh, you are such a bad girl.” Usha was shaking her head from side to side with exaggeration. “Your poor mother’s hair will soon be grey.”
Cate groused with a chuckle. “No problem, I’ll get the whole story somehow…I am a patient woman. Of course, it will be back into therapy for me.”
“Hah.” Meena laughed, whose expression was light with a humorous look. “You should be nicer to your mother.”
Cate went on. “I’m generally nice, but I will get all the gory, disgusting details one way or another.”