by GR Griffin
What he found hurt.
Arthur truly still believed, even after Merlin had drawn him into his arms and kissed him all those days ago, that he hated him.
“I thought I told you to keep your thoughts well-guarded.” He breathed, an uncontrollable wave of panic flashing over his eyes. The words rushed off his skin and releasing the swell of emotions, Arthur had to understand. Urgently, he leant towards Arthur.
“I never hated you.” A bitter laugh escaped his lips at the memory of the ambush. Tears framed his eyes. “Even as the Crystal Cave crumbled to oblivion and my father died, I couldn’t hate you. Of course I thought I hated you. But then when I realised I didn’t I…I panicked. How could I not hate you after everything your father had just done?” pause. “So I did the only thing I could, I pushed you away-”
“-You threatened to kill me.” Arthur corrected bluntly, going back to that dismal day. The flames had consumed Ealdor. Everything was dark, black, ruined. He couldn’t forget the pure anger in Merlin’s eyes as he screamed and banished him from Albion.
Not believing what he was hearing, Merlin cupped Arthur’s face with his hands, forcing the man to look him in the eyes. Swallowing-hard, he spoke.
“You actually believed me? Arthur, we all say things we don’t mean when we’re angry. You of all people know that.” Arthur’s vacant expression faltered at those words, very well knowing what Merlin was implying. “You have to accept that I understand why you couldn’t tell me. I forgave you a long time ago; I was just too scared of what the consequences would be, if I admitted it.” Sigh. “I needed to be strong for my People, I had a responsibility to lead them to safety and you weren’t exactly safe.”
Pulling out the Merlin bird necklace, Arthur traced his fingers over it.
“I really was…lost without you, you know.” He inhaled a deep breath. “I became delirious, acting like a mindless psychopath. I didn’t know what to do, where to go. For six months I had done everything with you, and then suddenly it was all gone.” It was all gone. Merlin instantly comprehended Arthur’s words. It was no doubt a shock, to have everything he had earned stripped away. Now, a week later, it was all back. Arthur’s thoughts echoed Merlin’s sentiments a few days ago, that it was all somehow too good to be true.
Smiling wistfully, Merlin lowered his hands to smooth over the delicate necklace.
“You and I…we are like two sides of the same coin, each a half that makes the whole.”
“Now you’re starting to sound like the Dragons.” Arthur groaned, a genuine amusement flickering over his features for a moment. It sparked hope in Merlin. On the subject of Dragons, Merlin narrowed his eyes.
“How did you find Aithusa?” he asked, still baffled by how he had tamed the great creature without powers of a Dragonlord.
“Sorry, can’t tell you that.” Arthur replied rather childishly, beginning to resemble his usual self.
“You know,” Merlin attempted to keep his lips in a stern line. “You really should know by now that keeping secrets from me is a bad idea.” The twitch of his lips and twinkling in his eyes undermined his serious tone.
“Shut-up Merlin.” Grinning, Arthur gently bumped Merlin’s shoulder.
“You’re such a prat!” Merlin exclaimed, slightly frustrated that Arthur wouldn’t answer the simple question but delighted the man he knew was finally returning.
“I know, you’ve told me many times.” He jibed.
“And yet still you never learn!” the remark resulted in another playful shove. Chuckling, Merlin nudged him back. “Although, I have to admit today, it seems you did learn. You used all of your skills and knowledge to turn a potential threat into a strong ally.”
“Elätha was never a threat,” Arthur scoffed at the words, striding over to the bed and dramatically falling onto it. Blinking at the statement, Merlin stood, gesturing for some kind of explanation. “He just needed to realise what exactly he was fighting for. The man wasn’t going to kill me, even when he had the blade at my chest. I saw it in his eyes.” Gazing up at Merlin, he frowned. “He reminded me of myself.”
“That’s very…deep.” Merlin offered meekly, now standing beside the large bed.
“I’m insulted that you seem surprised.” Arthur chided back with a smirk.
Climbing into the bed, Merlin smiled openly at the man.
“You never stop surprising me Arthur.” The words had a little more seriousness to them than intended, fondness swathed between each word.
Arthur adamantly pressed his lips to Merlin’s, and it was at this moment that both of them truly knew that they were going to be just fine. The road to a free Albion was long and full of danger. But it was achievable, because they were finally united and prepared to face the future. Reopening his eyes, Merlin met Arthur’s eyes, hoping the dreamy expression on his face had wilted before the blonde caught sight of it and taunted him forever.
“We have a long day tomorrow, get some rest.”
Arthur drew the man closer, wrapping his arms around him.
“Yes, Folctogan.” he teased against Merlin’s skin.
For a moment they both stared at each other, amusement evident. Then a burst of laughter escaped Merlin’s lips. All the memories associated with that word poured out through his crinkled eyes, filling the room with colossal warmth and happiness.
Chapter 48
Notes:
The big battle is coming... but first, poor Merlin has some demons to face, some secrets to reveal...
Ten days had passed and as planned, the clans had come. In fact, every single clan they went to had followed them back. Despite some being less reluctant to, they all had. Merlin’s mind flickered back to some of more interesting encounters, particularly Ghedent. Iseldir was hesitant to accept when his eyes met Arthur Pendragon. But when young Mordred insisted that the blonde man had saved his life, the Čeirda Clan swiftly followed Merlin and Arthur to the Druid camp. Merlin tried to forget the look of sheer horror on Kilgarrah’s face at the mention of Mordred. Nonetheless, he assumed that if it was something important, the Dragon would confide in him and reveal what he was hiding.
The Balegkor clan, and Laísrean of the Œpontei clan had also led their people to Iaonem. Now Iaonem was bustling with thousands of Druids, and many more were coming. Merlin could feel them coming over the horizon. The sun had progressed into a beautiful orange shade, beginning to slip over the horizon beneath the picturesque landscape.
A vast array of characters were now here. Merlin could never forget the look on Will’s face when the dark-haired woman emerged from the forests with Eloŵen of Serepolis. It was the first time he had smiled in days. Freya was not the only old friend Merlin had been reunited with. Gilli was among the many that followed Topia here. Hogań and Gŭaire from Ghedent had immediately befriended Gwaine, taking part in mischievous pranks and keeping the children distracted. Out of all the people that had come to Iaonem, there was one reunion that had truly touched his heart.
Alys and Gaius.
Merlin could hardly control his giddy grin when Gaius had gently pressed his lips against hers and drawn her into his arms. It was clear the two loved each other very much. Nonetheless, a fond smirk slipped onto his lips, who’d have known that Gaius had a love interest, even at his age?
“Merlin you can wipe that smirk off your face this instance.” None other than Gaius said sternly, sitting down beside the young Druid.
Scratching his forehead, Merlin’s smirk grew until a burst of laughter left his lips. The past few days had been the happiest of his life. The whole Druid community was coming together, breathing together, living together. The first night Serepolis and Dresdentian arrived, they had enjoyed an evening of ancient Druid song and dance. Despite the looming war ahead, there was merriment and a raw content aura filling up Iaonem. Merlin understood why, as leader of his People. They wanted to cherish the next few days, because it may well be their last. There was no telling what would happen.
Merlin’s eyes met
Arthur across the clearing. The blonde was sitting with Gwen, Leon, Gwaine and Lance, clearly animatedly retelling the story of Ghedent. He was dramatically swinging his sword around. From this distance, certain phrases could be picked out.
“Merlin’s having a hissy fit,” Arthur gazed over to where the Druid was sitting, winking in amusement towards him before turning back to the others. Merlin rolled his eyes, the prat. “He doesn’t think that I can beat Elätha, but then I-”
A surge of laughter swept across the group when Elätha’s sword hit his own, insisting on retelling the story a little more truthfully. The abashed look on Arthur’s face really was a picture, causing Merlin to snigger. Turning to Gaius, who was on the verge of looking healthy and well again, Merlin realised he had neglected the man’s attention. So he smiled. Gaius being Gaius saw right through it.
“Something troubling you dear boy?” he asked. Merlin knew better than to believe that this was actually a question.
Glancing back towards Arthur, he frowned.
“Arthur does not know the full extent of his destiny.” He admitted bleakly, raking a hand through his hair. “But I fear he will not be able to comprehend the gravity of what I have kept from him all this time.”
Raising one eyebrow, Gaius gently patted Merlin knowingly on the shoulder.
“Perhaps you should deal with one thing at a time and speak to Morgana first.” Eyes wide, Merlin swallowed-hard. His one chance of pretending he didn’t know what Gaius meant was ruined by his lack of composure. Morgana. The seer. Merlin hadn’t spoken to her since her arrival…he’d barely seen her. Did she know? Was she somehow avoiding him on purpose? Merlin felt an unpleasant shudder wreck his body as Morgana sauntered over to where the collection of friends and some other Druids were sitting. She was grinning at Arthur, clearly teasing him in some way or another. But Merlin could see it, her eyes were tired, her face was pale, and dark rims threatened to underline her eyes.
“She has been having visions,” Gaius pressed a small vial into Merlin’s hands. Gazing down at the vial, Merlin furrowed his brow. “This will help her sleep.”
“You want me to give it to her?” Merlin gasped, stunned at the proposal.
Sighing, Gaius studied the young man before him pensively.
“I believe you should ask to speak with her about her magic.” Before Merlin could protest or justify his reasoning, the man continued. “Whatever reason you had to keep this from her Merlin, it is no longer valid. Uther and his men are coming. If anything, you should help Morgana harness her gifts. A seer of her abilities could be extremely useful.”
It appeared Merlin underestimated Morgana’s powers, foolishly overlooked her gifts in order to ensure she was safe in Camelot Base. In hindsight, that didn’t seem fair or right at all. It wasn’t his decision to make; Morgana should have been the one to decide how to handle her talents. Gaius studied Merlin’s troubled expression; this was the problem with the young man. His compassion and care for others sometimes led him to make irrational decisions, believing that he was doing good when really it added further complications to the picture. Gaius didn’t blame Merlin. Merlin was infinitely wise, but still growing. Making these mistakes would shape him into the revered leader he would become.
“I did it to protect her Gaius.” Merlin whispered drearily, running a hand over his face. “I never meant to cause her any pain or make her feel like an outsider. I-”
A smooth saccharine voice nervously interrupted his words.
“-Merlin.”
Merlin knew without looking exactly who this person was. He remained motionless for moment, unable to react. Then bravely, he inhaled a deep breath. Looking into their eyes, he frowned. Her face was pallid, her complexion sickly. Her hypnotic green eyes resonating profound fear, hurt. Dark black curls framed her beautiful face, draping down to her shoulders. Overall, she seemed troubled; anxious. Swallowing-hard, Merlin got to his feet, beginning to walk towards a more private location. The woman followed without question, ducking underneath the thick branches of the giant tree. After walking in silence for a few minutes, Merlin seemed content with the small, empty clearing. The voices of the Druids were muffled in the distance, the large stones around them sheltering them from any intrusions.
He finally turned around to face her, holding the vial in his hands out towards her nervously.
“This will help.” He muttered weakly, blinking rapidly to avoid the tears from betraying his resolve.
The worst part of all of this was Morgana’s expression. She wasn’t angry. Morgana was immensely sad. Just gazing into her eyes for a second, Merlin could feel the emotions that seared through her skin. He felt the cold shudder of isolation, the sting of rejection, the tears of confusion and anguish rolling down his cheeks. To think she had felt all of this even without knowing she had magic. Gaius was right. Of course Gaius was right. He should have never denied Morgana the truth. Even if at the time it seemed like the best option, there would have been a way to solve it, to ensure her safety within Camelot. Leaving her alienated, afraid – that was not kind at all. Making no move to wipe the tears from his face, Merlin continued to study her eyes, lips trembling.
Morgana stared vacantly back before reluctantly taking the vial from him, clasping it in her hands tightly. Her weary eyes never left Merlin’s face, lips parted to gesture the formation of words – but none sounded. They remained this way for a few more seconds, mirroring each other’s dismal expressions, unsure what to say. Then, the dark-haired woman smiled sadly, a dejected laugh escaping her lips. Merlin clasped his eyes shut at the sound, hating the way it echoed in his mind.
“I know what you did Merlin.” Her smooth voice became a hiss, shaking through Merlin’s body.
Averting his eyes, Merlin sighed. He pressed a hand feebly against his eyes, wiping the moisture away. The words he wanted to say became lodged in his throat, causing a painful, agonising swelling. It took many attempts to free the words. When he managed, his voice was low and quiet, full of remorse and guilt.
“I didn’t want to.” His solemn admission received another laugh, one far too full of positive emotions for his liking. Titling her head to the side, Morgana replied.
“I understand why you did it.” She took a step towards him slowly, surely. Confusion dusted over Merlin’s face, his eyebrows drawn together. Morgana understood his reasoning. “You wanted to protect me from Uther.” It was then he realised that she was mocking him, the dark bite in her voice slithering through his ears.
Flinching from the abrupt shift in tone, Merlin gazed fiercely back into her pensive eyes. He had to make her realise that he had done what he thought was right, because out of everyone, she was the one person he had greatly failed, terribly wronged. And he was unsure what the repercussions of his actions truly were. Evidently Morgana was here, ready to fight against Uther Pendragon and everything he stood for. But what would she do next? Raking his finger through his hair, Merlin sighed.
“I did what I thought was right. If I told you the truth, you would have been trapped inside Camelot, full of fear-”
“-You think I didn’t feel that way anyway?” Morgana interjected, in despair. “With Arthur gone, and the only people I could trust spending every day in Ealdor?”
“-There was no place for you in Ealdor,” Merlin admitted forlornly, knowing that this statement would probably ignite the flame back into her eyes. Hearing this admission aloud honestly hurt his already aching heart. “Albion was not ready for you-” that infuriated the woman.
“-Just because you’re Emrys, it didn’t give you the right to decide my fate!” she snapped, face inches from his. The upset trickling down her face morphed into exasperation. “Merlin, for fifteen years, I was told to believe that my visions were nothing more than dreams. But that’s not the worst part,” challengingly, she lifted her head to meet his eyes. “When I needed the truth the most, you gave me nothing but a lie.”
When she needed the truth the most, he gave her nothing b
ut a lie. The bold accusation whirled around Merlin’s head. He had deprived her of the life she deserved. Suddenly, everything came into perspective. Whilst Arthur Pendragon, Gwaine and the rest of the guys were in Ealdor, Morgana had been in Camelot Base. Whilst Arthur Pendragon himself was practising Magic and learning spells, Morgana was crying herself to sleep, hoping the antidote Merlin had given her for the Fruten bites would actually work. Eyes widening in realisation, Merlin turned to her.
“…Your visions continued.” He sounded more surprised than anything else. His magic should have stopped the nightmares, should have harnessed the magic she had inside. It hadn’t, which was both intriguing and worrying. Morgana didn’t reply, a confirmation of his suspicions. For all this time, she had still been having nightmares, only she trusted Merlin enough to believe they were insignificant. “I’m truly sorry Morgana.” He choked, ducking his head ashamedly, knowing it wasn’t enough.
Pause.
“You are supposed to represent everything the Druids stand for Merlin. So trust me on this one thing; denying people of their gifts, not allowing them a choice…” smiling weakly she reached for his hand. “You will create far more enemies than friends.”
It was the first time Morgana could see the youth inside of Merlin, the first time she had acknowledge just how young and inexperienced he was. His knowledge of the world was not yet infinite, he was barely a man. Now, tears leaking from his sapphire eyes, face full of raw emotions and dread, he resembled a lost child, so wrapped in his own turmoil he was unsure what to do. Realising her mistake, she frowned.
“But who am I to judge?” she asked. “You had to make a decision, you had to do what you thought was right.”
A brittle laugh escaped his lips, tainted in despondency.
“You don’t know how hard it is to…to be…a hero.” he whispered wearily, “a hero that has not yet proven their worth, a hero who is not a hero because of his actions, but because of his name.” Taking a step backwards, he solemnly to turned to face the wall of jagged stone.